Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Rookie QB Colin Kaepernick] doesn't have that rookie, deer-in-the-headlights mentality.  I think he's going to be a good quarterback."
                                                                   -Joe Staley, 49ers OT

Well thank god.  49ers fans, rest easy tonight.  The long wait for Jeff Garcia's successor is finally over.  After throwing the ball around with Kaepernick for an hour, Joe Staley thinks he's going to be  a good quarterback.  This is kind of like turning off a baseball game after the first pitch, walking away and confidently saying, "Glad we won this one!"   Not to mention, when you've been working with Alex Smith for the previous four years, the bar in quarterbacking isn't exactly set super-high.  If Kaepernick avoided throwing ball nine feet over anyone's head and didn't run screaming from the pocket as soon as ball was snapped, the Niners have to look at that as a success.  

But back to my original point, is the lockout over yet?    

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"He's many, many months into his recovery now. He's doing fantastic...He is a legendary healer. He comes back from injury faster than anybody I've ever seen."
                                 -Drew Rosenhaus, discussing T.O.'s recently discovered ACL Surgery

If TO is actually ready for the start of the 2011 season, we can agree this was not natural, right?  I don't know whether it's HGH, stem cells, voodoo magic or TO drank Wolverine's blood, but no one comes back from a torn ACL in four months.  Physically impossible. 

Oh wait, Drew Rosenhaus said that?  Nevermind, I knew I detected the unmistakable odor of cattle feces when I read this quote.   

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I have always been envious of people who have been able to grow a mustache.  Mine just does not come in with the Tom Selleck thickness that I've always wanted."
                                                                        -Eli Manning

I am incapable of adding anything of value to this quote.  Enjoy it, rest of the world.  

2011 NFL Draft Grades 16-20

Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a month to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter will grade all 32 teams' drafts.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades for picks 16-20 after the jump.  The earlier picks have been included in the post for ease of reference.


Monday, June 27, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If Carson don't want to be here, damn him, period, point blank."
                                         -Adam "Pacman" Jones, Bengals' CB

Jones then concluded the interview by making it rain on the female reporter and dougie-ing out of the studio.  Things took a tragic turn when one of his entourage mistook a camera man for Carson Palmer and shot him, but all 63 members of Jones' entourage made it into the Hummer limo before police could question them.   

Friday, June 24, 2011

Quote of the Day: FRIDAY DOUBLE BONUS!

"When was the last time Urlacher got off a block?"
                                -Dhani Jones, Cincinnati Bengals' LB

"I think [Dhani Jones and I] were drafted in the same class, and I haven't heard anything about him since then.  I saw him on a TV show with a bow tie on, though. So I know him better for the way he dresses than what he does on the football field."
                               -Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears' LB


Oh SNAP!  More twitter wars between players.  I'm telling you, the longer the lockout lasts, the faster these guys are going to start turning on each other.  Seriously though, Brian Urlacher is the third to last person on earth I would ever talk shit about.  I mean, sure, if I wanted to have someone rip my face of, fold it up and wear it as a funny hat, I'd talk shit about Urlacher.  Otherwise the only people I want to make angry less than him are the Hulk and Ray Lewis.  You have to figure Ray Lewis is going to rip your dick off and club you to death with it, so that's definitely worse.  Regrets, Dhani Jones.  You have them
 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The agreement that we're focusing on and negotiating has got to address several issues, and those issues are complex, and it's got to be in a way fair to players and fair to clubs.''
                                                                                       -Roger Goodell

And what about the fans?  Wasn't this supposed to be about them too?  As usual, the people who generate the nine billion dollar pay day for owners and players alike are completely neglected and taken for granted.  One day these assholes will wake up and remember why there is such a thing as the NFL at all.  The same people who sign their paychecks away to buy game tickets and jerseys for their kids are getting shat on every day this dispute continues.  Maybe think about that guy too and get this fucking thing done.  You owe us way more than that, Roger; but it's a start. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I talked to a player who was contemplating retirement, but the lockout has gotten his body back to where it needs to be.  For us older players, it's good."
                                                                           -Roy Williams, Cowboys' WR

By "I talked to another player" Roy meant, "I woke up and looked in the mirror," and by "us older players," he meant, "us players who suck."  Can't blame him though.  If I were going to be cut literally the second free agency opened, I wouldn't want the season to start either.  Don't worry though, Roy.  I'm sure Dez Bryant will gladly give you one of the million iced out necklaces he bought and then couldn't pay for.  You've been stealing money from Jerry Jones for three years now just by cashing your game checks, so what's one necklace compared to that.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"People were trying to dictate what I should do with my life. And who I should be. 'You should be a football player.' 'I would cut off my left nut to do what you do. How dare you walk away from it?'
"I'll tell you how I dare, because I don't want to do it anymore.  I don't have the passion to do it anymore. And so I walked away from it. And it rubbed people the wrong way."
                                                                                            -Tiki Barber

Waaah, I'm Tiki Barber and no one likes me!  Waaah, I left my pregnant wife to fuck a 23 year old intern!  Waaah I bashed the Giants and then they won the greatest Superbowl of all time without me!  Hey, newsflash Tiki, of course no one fucking likes youYou're a scumbag who traded everything in their life for glory, then missed out on that glory on every level imaginable.  Plus you were awful on television.  Let's call a spade a spade here.  This Tiki Barber redemption tour is about one thing and one thing only: straight cash, homie.  Tiki is flat broke and no one wants to pay him to do anything except go the fuck away and leave the rest of us alone.  Ipso facto, the Tiki Barber comeback tour. 

You know what though, that's all OK.  The only thing Tiki did wrong here was apologize.  Let's go through the play by play, shall we?  Tiki retired at age 31, an age when running backs typically fall off a cliff, after flat out raping and pillaging the NFL for five consecutive years.  He was on top of the world, he had a post-NFL career planned out and he didn't want to risk major injury by coming back for one more year.  Then he went on TV and bad mouthed the Giants and Eli Manning.  Well guess what?  Hindsight is 20/20, folks.  If Asante Samuel remembers how to catch a football or David Tyree doesn't use his phone-a-friend direct line to god, then Tiki Barber is one hundred percent right in everything he said about that team.  Finally, leaving his wife pregnant with twins wife to terrorize a 23 year old intern's vagina?  Find me the man on earth that doesn't make the same choice in his shoes.  "Hmm, let me think.  Fat cow wife whose vagina is about to be so stretched I could walk around in there, or smoking hot 23 year old vag you couldn't swipe a credit card in?  This has to be a trick question...it's too easy."

There you have it, nothing wrong with any of that.  Tiki fucked up by not sticking to his guns and saying he was sorry for what he did.  Nothing America hates more than a pussy who won't stand up for himself.  This is the good old US of A, we don't tolerate pussies and communists, which may or may not be the same thing.  Fuck yea Tiki Barber

Monday, June 20, 2011

Quote of the Day

"What I know will happen if [gay marriage] does come forth is this will be the beginning of our country sliding toward, it is a strong word, but anarchy."
                                                       -David Tyree, Former NY Giants' WR

You tell 'em Dave!  Anarchy will reign if gay marriage becomes legal.  You'll have packs of roving gays ruling the streets, fucking people in the ass, throwing them in burlap sacks and marrying them against their will.  Shit will be just like Dawn of the Dead, except instead of mobs of zombies trying to eat your brains, it'll be mobs of gay people trying to eat your dick.  Somebody call Tank Johnson, we have to defend ourselves from the anarchy!

PS- The only explanation here is that the helmet catch actually damaged Tyree's brain, right?  This easily makes the top 5 of dumbest statements in human history. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

2011 NFL Draft Grades 11-15

Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a month to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter will grade all 32 teams' drafts.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades for picks 11-15 after the jump.  The earlier picks have been included in the post for ease of reference.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Quote of the Day: FRIDAY DOUBLE BONUS!

"After about an hour of discussing my current contract...[Giants' GM Jerry Reese] told me that two years from the start of the 2008 league year, if I was currently playing at a high level, we'd either renegotiate my current contract so that it would be equal to that of the top five defensive ends playing or I would be traded to a team that would do that.  Before leaving the meeting, I asked Mr. Reese twice if he was absolutely sure that would be the case. He then told me that he was an honest and church-going man and that he would not lie, which I believed to be the case."
                                                          -Osi Umenyiora, NY Giants' DE

"Overrated n soft 3rd best d-line on his team honestly"
                   -Lesean McCoy, Philadelphia Eagles' RB, in response to Umenyiora's quote

Well nothing to see here, folks.  Ho hum, just Osi griping about his contract for the million-bajillionth time and then getting his asshole shredded by a division rival on twitter.  The only thing worse than that would be letting a division rival come back from being down 24 points in your building in less than eight minutes, but that could never happen.  Let's be fair though, Osi had 11.5 sacks and 10, yes TEN forced fumbles this past year.  Those are Dwight Freeney type numbers.  Now the Football Ranter is not suggesting Osi is as good as Freeney.  He's not.  But defensive ends who put up those kind of numbers make fucking bank in the NFL and Osi's contract is definitely below market value.  However, Osi spent all of the '08 season on IR, then spent all of '09 gargling camel semen as the Giants employed the famous "bend over, spread cheeks" defense.  Not exactly the track record you look for when someone asks for a 70 or 80 million dollar contract.  In essence, both of the above quotes stink.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think everyone kind of has that feeling, that this thing's [the lockout] starting to end.''
                                                    -Andrew Whitworth, Bengals' OT

This after news yesterday that the talks almost "blew up completely" when the two sides brought the lawyers back into it.  Just more proof that lawyers are the fourth lowest form of life on earth.  They clock in ahead of only punters, people who order diet coke with a bacon-triple-cheeseburger, and this guy.

End the lockout, owners and players.  For the love of all that is holy, split up your billions and just move on with life.  No one wants to lose $700 million in revenue if there's no preseason.  The Football Ranter predicts this will be over after the July 4 weekend.  Let's see if these morons can get out of their own way in time to make that happen. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's been a long time since I watched a high school football game, or a college game for that matter.  I kind of look forward to it."
                                                                                         -Brett Favre

This quote was taken from a Sports Illustrated Article today with the headline, "Favre: Done With Football, Not Sure What's Next."  Why was this man being interviewed?  Who cares what he's excited about anymore?  He finally retired, for good this time.  Go away, Brett.  No one wants to be your friend and no one wants to hear about what you're doing now that you're done sexting dick shots to sideline reporters.  WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME?? ANSWER ME!  But seriously, go home and shut the fuck up, Brett.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I am happy that he has reached this point and he's in secure hands [with Agent Drew Rosenhaus]."
                                                              -Larry James, Terrelle Pryor's Attorney

Is there anyone, and I mean anyone, that didn't see this one coming?  This was as easy as picking the winner of a Harlem Globetrotters game.  There are blind beggars in Indonesia who knew about this before it happened.  Tribesmen from those little islands between Australia and New Zealand broke this news.  Congratulations to Drew Rosenhaus and Terrelle Pryor, you're perfect for each other.  Scumbags Inc. grows by one more client this morning. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that."
                                                                     -Jerry Rice

Uhh...but...Jerry...You know what, nevermind.  Let's all just move on.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"He did not go into discussion. He just said he's not interested in the Canadian Football League. Obviously the offer was not sufficient to whet his taste buds."
                                                             -Larry James, Terrell Pryor's Attorney

Well nothing to see here folks.  Another day, another giant shit on Canada's head.  Terrell Pryor would rather be not playing football in a potentially non-existent NFL than risk it getting out that he even spoke with a Canadian team.  So basically, what we're trying to say is, America, Fuck Yea!  (WARNING: Do not listen to that clip at work with the sound turned up.  Co-workers around you may think you're too awesome and start a violent pro-America rally.)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Hopefully [Plaxico will] use my situation as an example and go out and try and emulate what I've done in his own way..."
                                                                              -Michael Vick

Do I even need to write a joke here?  Blah blah blah, Plaxico dog fighting blah blah. 

BAHAHA- just kidding.  Of course I do.

Vick discussing the possibility of re-opening Bad Newz Kennels under new management. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I wish I could tell you who is going to be the quarterback. I don't know. I don't know. Whoever the quarterback is, I'm 100 percent down with it and I'm ready to go. That's it."
                                                           -Michael Crabtree, San Francisco 49ers' WR

Crabtree was commenting on the fact that the 49ers invited both Alex Smith and an automatic throwing machine to a team minicamp this weekend. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful day to be reunited with my family. I want to go home and spend some quality time with them."
                     -Plaxico Burress, upon exiting a NY State correctional facility on Monday

This probably would have been more moving if Plax didn't literally walk right out of prison and right into a car to go to a casino to booze and gamble away what's left of his money.  The Football Ranter didn't realize "I want to go home and spend some quality time with [my family]" was prisonese for "WOO!  STRIPPERS AND BLACKJACK MOTHER FUCKER!  AWWW YEAAAAA!" Seriously though, if saying you want to be with your family, then taking them with you to Turning Stone Casino in upstate New York isn't a sign that 20 months in prison hasn't changed a fucking thing, I don't know is.  Not to mention Plax was repeatedly reprimanded in prison for lying to guards and trying to get special treatment.  So uhh...welcome home Plax?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Life is a game of inches...so is football."
                -Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino), Any Given Sunday

If you can watch the video of that speech and not get so jacked up you're willing to fight Ray Lewis, you're either not human or you don't like football...which is the same thing.  I was so pumped after watching this that I punched police horse in the neck and threw my laptop through a car windshield on the way to work.  No one needs steroids if they just listen to this speech before working out, it is that epic.  And yes, if you disagree, the Football Ranter will fight you.  OK, the Football Ranter will schedule a fight with you, then not show because he's a pussy.  Whatever, same difference.

Happy Monday, Lunatics.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

2011 NFL Draft Grades 6-10

Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a month to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter will grade all 32 teams' drafts.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades for picks 6-10 after the jump.  The earlier picks have been included in the post for ease of reference.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Quote of the Day

"That's what we were interested in doing, have the owners and players talk to one another. That was accomplished this week. ... That's a positive sign for us."
                                                                       -Roger Goodell

Hey Roger, the Football Ranter has a "positive sign" for you.  Now shut the fuck up and get back to the table so football can start, you arrogant, dung-farming sheep-fucker. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

"There is no chance Plaxico Burress is a New York Giant after he comes home.  He isn't coming to the Giants.  He's got options. I would love for him to be a part of the Giants. I don't think that is even on his plate."
                                                                               -Brandon Jacobs, NY Giants' RB

Yea no kidding, Brandon.  He only blew away the Giants' shot at a repeat championship by shooting himself in the leg with his own fucking gun.  Someone will take a shot in the dark on him, but the Giants already spent 4 years playing Russian Roulette with Plaxico and I don't think they're eager to fire away again on that front.  Plaxico is gonna have to reload and head to Philly he can try to bust a cap in the Giants and not himself.

(NINE!!  Nine gun references in one paragraph!  Die in a fire pig fuckers, cause no one is topping that shit!  BOOM!)

(But seriously, email the Football Ranter, FootballRanter@gmail.com, if you can do better.)
 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Haynesworth's mistake was getting out of the car. Most judges don't like that, and find the person who gets out of the car bears more responsibility. From that point on, the stories diverge."
                                                -Steve Merril, Albert Haynesworth's Attorney, after settling a road rage-assault claim against the player

Haynesworth took $40 million in Redskins money to play, then refused to play because he didn't like the 3-4 defense.  Then he reluctantly showed up to camp out of practice, overweight and under-motivated.  This years after he stomped Dallas Center Andre Gurode's face in after a play.  Also, he probably caused hurricane Katrina.  But yea, getting out of the car was his mistake.

PS- one of the statements above may be an exaggeration.

PPS- Just in case you couldn't guess, "overweight" was the exaggeration.  I'm pretty sure he tried to eat Cortland Finnegan during a team meeting, confusing him with a live chicken.