Mock Draft Uno (Picks 1-5)

Welcome to the first installment of the Football Ranter Mock Draft.  We'll be mocking the first round five picks at a time and each week we'll update the mock.  This week's iteration will look absolutely nothing like the final version, especially since the scouting combine hasn't even happened yet, so take each pick with a grain of salt.  Feel free to give your own thoughts in the comments section. 

Check out Football Ranters' Mock Uno (Picks 1-5) after the jump.

1.  Carolina Panthers: Nick Fairley, DT Auburn (6'4 299lbs)- I know, very original.  No one else is mocking Fairley here, right?  Yea well go fuck a goat.  The Panthers have nothing at DT and desperately need an upgrade.  On the other hand, they do have some good young talent at DE.  Charles Johnson is just 24 and posted 11.5 sacks last year while Everett Brown had 4 sacks in his final 5 games.  That makes Fairley an acceptable blend of value and need, though I don't believe he's the prospect that Ndamukong Suh was last year.  Wide Receiver is also a need for the Panthers, but teams are built from the interior lines outward.  With a new regime in Carolina it's unlikely they would take a WR #1 overall, especially since Carolina has no second round pick after dealing it away last year.   
2. Denver Broncos: Patrick Peterson, CB LSU (6'1 222lbs)- The rationale here is fairly simple.  Josh McDaniels spent the last two seasons taking one massive dump after another all over the Denver roster before launching them at angry fans.  Unsurprisingly, he was dumped like a chick who gets fat before the wedding after just 12 games this year.  Despite the firing, 33-year old top cornerback Champ Bailey wants nothing to do with the steaming pile of camel shit that is the Broncos' roster.  Enter the best corner prospect available in years and Peterson becomes an easy choice.  Pundits often justify mocking Da'Quan Bowers to the Broncos by noting that John Fox drafted DE Julius Peppers #2 overall way back in 2002.  But they often fail to examine Fox's overall body of draft-work.  Fox's first picks since 2002: 2 DE's, OT, CB, 2 LB's, 2 RB's, QB.  What does this tell us?  That John Fox takes whoever he feels is the best player available.  Others may disagree, but I'd bet he'll have Patrick Peterson higher on his board than Da'Quan Bowers.  
3. Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, Rush LB Texas Tech (6'3 240lbs)- The Buffalo Bills are an out of control train wreck about to plow through an elementary school filled with children and puppies and I have not the slightest fucking clue who they'll take in this year's draft.  I don't know whether they play a 4-3 or 3-4, and frankly I don't think Chan Gailey knows either.  What I do know is that former 1st rounder Aaron Maybin couldn't find an opposing QB if he was standing on top of one with both fists in his asshole.  Meanwhile, Von Miller had a monster senior bowl and is supposedly flying up draft boards across the league.  The Bills have no pass rush whatsoever and everyone seems to agree that Von Miller can rush the passer.  Since #3 overall is way too high to pick a talented but raw and one-dimensional pass rush specialist, the Bills are destined to select him here. 
4. Cincinnati Bengals: Da'Quan Bowers, DE Clemson (6'4 278lbs)- The Bungles actually have two pretty good DE's in Antwan Odom and Carlos Dunlap, but Odom is constantly injured and owed a lot of money next year.  It's not a stretch to foresee his release this offseason.  Even if Odom stays on the roster, Da'Quan Bowers had a heck of a season and he would be great injury insurance.  A.J. Green is also a possibility, especially if they cut Chad OchoSucko.  Until the offseason plays out and we have more information though, Bowers remains my lock to go to the Bungles.
5. Arizona Cardinals: Robert Quinn, DE North Carolina (6'5 268lbs)- Quinn is a great talent, even though he was suspended for all of this season.  The Cardinals have a pathetic pass rush and Quinn would certainly help that, though some feel he would be better suited as a 4-3 DE than a 3-4 Rush LB.  None of the other best players available line up with Arizona's needs here, so unless they're willing to reach for a QB or trade down- which is unlikely given Ken Wisenhunt's place firmly atop the hot seat, Quinn has to be the pick here.  Considering that Quinn could have gone #1 overall if he wasn't suspended, Cards fans should be furiously masturbating in celebration after this pick.

Check back Tuesday night for picks 6-10.  Until next time, Lunatics.