Welcome back, Lunatics. Here is the stunning conclusion of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft Uno. I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.
We're a little behind at Football Ranters because our touch football team won the championship on Sunday and we were too fucking wasted afterward to finish the Mock. That's what you get for reading a website run by drunken Irish hooligans.
Check out the picks after the jump.
- Carolina Panthers: Nick Fairley, DT Auburn (6'4 299lbs)- I know, very original. No one else is mocking Fairley here, right? Yea well go fuck a goat. The Panthers have nothing at DT and desperately need an upgrade. On the other hand, they do have some good young talent at DE. Charles Johnson is just 24 and posted 11.5 sacks last year while Everett Brown had 4 sacks in his final 5 games. That makes Fairley an acceptable blend of value and need, though I don't believe he's the prospect that Ndamukong Suh was last year. Wide Receiver is also a need for the Panthers, but teams are built from the interior lines outward. With a new regime in Carolina it's unlikely they would take a WR #1 overall, especially since Carolina has no second round pick after dealing it away last year.
- Denver Broncos: Patrick Peterson, CB LSU (6'1 222lbs)- The rationale here is fairly simple. Josh McDaniels spent the last two seasons taking one massive dump after another all over the Denver roster before launching them at angry fans. Unsurprisingly, he was dumped like a chick who gets fat before the wedding after just 12 games this year. Despite the firing, 33-year old top cornerback Champ Bailey
wants nothing to do with the steaming pile of camel shit that is the Broncos' rosteredit: just signed a 4 year/$47 million extension (and did so less than 24 hours after I wrote this post. Fuck my useless and miserable life.) Enter the best corner prospect available in years and Peterson becomes an easy choice. Pundits often justify mocking Da'Quan Bowers to the Broncos by noting that John Fox drafted DE Julius Peppers #2 overall way back in 2002. But they often fail to examine Fox's overall body of draft-work. Fox's first picks since 2002: 2 DE's, OT, CB, 2 LB's, 2 RB's, QB. What does this tell us? That John Fox takes whoever he feels is the best player available. Others may disagree, but I'd bet he'll have Patrick Peterson higher on his board than Da'Quan Bowers. - Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, Rush LB Texas Tech (6'3 240lbs)- The Buffalo Bills are an out of control train wreck about to plow through an elementary school filled with children and puppies and I have not the slightest fucking clue who they'll take in this year's draft. I don't know whether they play a 4-3 or 3-4, and frankly I don't think Chan Gailey knows either. What I do know is that former 1st rounder Aaron Maybin couldn't find an opposing QB if he was standing on top of one with both fists in his asshole. Meanwhile, Von Miller had a monster senior bowl and is supposedly flying up draft boards across the league. The Bills have no pass rush whatsoever and everyone seems to agree that Von Miller can rush the passer. Since #3 overall is way too high to pick a talented but raw and one-dimensional pass rush specialist, the Bills are destined to select him here.
- Cincinnati Bengals: Da'Quan Bowers, DE Clemson (6'4 278lbs)- The Bungles actually have two pretty good DE's in Antwan Odom and Carlos Dunlap, but Odom is constantly injured and owed a lot of money next year. It's not a stretch to foresee his release this offseason. Even if Odom stays on the roster, Da'Quan Bowers had a heck of a season and he would be great injury insurance. A.J. Green is also a possibility, especially if they cut Chad OchoSucko. Until the offseason plays out and we have more information though, Bowers remains my lock to go to the Bungles.
- Arizona Cardinals: Robert Quinn, DE North Carolina (6'5 268lbs)- Quinn is a great talent, even though he was suspended for all of this season. The Cardinals have a pathetic pass rush and Quinn would certainly help that, though some feel he would be better suited as a 4-3 DE than a 3-4 Rush LB. None of the other best players available line up with Arizona's needs here, so unless they're willing to reach for a QB or trade down- which is unlikely given Ken Wisenhunt's place firmly atop the hot seat, Quinn has to be the pick here. Considering that Quinn could have gone #1 overall if he wasn't suspended, Cards fans should be furiously masturbating in celebration after this pick.
- Cleveland Browns: A.J. Green, WR Georgia (6'4 204lbs)- For the first time since well, ever, there is hope on the horizon for the Brownies and his name is Colt McCoy. Obviously he needs to put together more than a few good starts to be dubbed the franchise savior, but the Browns' recent QB history is comprised of failed #1 picks (Tim Couch), native flunkies (Brady Quinn) drunken, drooling slack-jaws (Derek Anderson) and a guy that has the misfortune of being awful, but not so awful that anyone remembers him (Charlie Frye). Saying that the bar has been set low for Colt McCoy is like saying that 1945 was a bit of a rough year for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Regardless, firing Eric "The Mangina" Mangini was probably the right call after his second consecutive 5-11 season. With a new coach comes a new philosophy and I don't know the first thing about who the fuck Pat Shurmur is or what he intends to do. As such, even though I would never take a wide receiver this high, A.J. Green is the pick. Mike Holmgren has taken a wideout early in the first round before (Koren Robinson, #9 overall in 2001) and Green is much more highly regarded as a prospect than Koren Robinson was then. Not to mention that former 2nd round WR's Brian Robiskie and Mohamed Massaquoi have been utterly fucking worthless for the last two seasons. I don't love this pick, but Green gives Colt McCoy a top target to aid his development. Prince Amukamara is also a possibility, but with the Browns taking Joe Haden last year at #8 overall, they may not want to tie up so much cash in two CB's.
- San Francisco 49ers: Prince Amukamara, CB Nebraska (6'1 205lbs)- If this is how the real draft shakes out, I would eat my own dick if Jerry Jones didn't get on the horn to the Niners and deal for this pick to select Amukamara for the Cowboys. With Jim Harbaugh in place as the new coach, the 49ers will be looking for a QB. But none of the QB's remaining are worth taking at #7 overall, hence the trade down. Since I won't predict trades (yet) in the mock though, the 49ers will take the best player available at a position of need. They have the overpaid and declining Nate Clements at CB and....nobody. Amukamara has the potential to be a top-5 or 10 CB in the NFL and I could realistically see the 49ers staying put to take him if he makes it this far.
- Tennessee Titans: Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri (6'5 235lbs)- The Titans and Niners back to back might be the two toughest teams to predict. However, Gabbert is the pick here because Bud Adams knows he needs a franchise QB to build the team around. Last time he was in this position, he wasted no time and took Vince "I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion" Young. For the sake of Titans fans everywhere, lets hope that if it plays out this way Adams chooses better than he did last time around. Admittedly it would be tough to do worse than Young, who despite winning a mostly undeserved award, spent more time acting like an angst ridden 14 year old girl than an NFL quarterback.
- Dallas Cowboys: Marcell Dareus, DT Alabama (6'4 306lbs)- Like a hot chick that just doesn't try hard enough in bed, Dallas underachieved and disappointed their fans. A team with this talent shouldn't be picking this high, but Dallas' season was over the moment Michael Boley broke his dick off in Tony Romo's ass. If Dallas were to find itself in this draft position though, I suspect Jerry Jones would have either traded up or down to avoid this. Marcell Dareus is a very good prospect and should help Dallas along their 3-4 defensive line, but it's not a huge area of need for the 'Boys. The problem is that no one else Dallas could choose here would represent a good blend of need and value. A scenario I could see is a team picking in the 20's, like the Saints, trading up in order to take Mark Ingram (RB, Alabama) or select Dareus themselves, neither of which is expected to make it past the teens. For now though, Dallas takes Dareus and is stacked along the D-Line for the next few years.
- Washington Redskins: Julio Jones, WR Alabama (6'4 211lbs)- Washington's wide receiver situation is deplorable: an aging Santana Moss and a bunch of guys that can't make a play to save their own jobs. Mike Shanahan has twice before picked a WR in the first round, and Julio Jones has all the talent in the world. Admittedly, his two previous first round wideouts (Ashlie Lelie and Marcus Nash) worked out about as well as eating Indian food before sex. Having said that, Washington's defense is god awful along the line and the 'Skins could use another pass rusher as well since Andre Carter flopped at rush LB. If they choose to go defense in the first round, pencil in Cameron Jordan as a possibility here after tearing up the Senior Bowl.
- Houston Texans: Phil Taylor, NT Baylor (6'4 337lbs)- The Texans were Paris Hilton in the NFL last year- everyone scored on them. So while this is a very aggressive ranking for Phil Taylor, the Texans are switching from
the get slammed in the ass Dthe 4-3 to the 3-4 and need a nose tackle to make it work. The Texans have a habit of drafting for need over value though and Phil Taylor might have been the most impressive player at the Senior Bowl. In any case, Gary Kubiak needs to get some help on D, or the Texans will waste another year of Matt Schaub's prime watching their defenders run around clucking like chickens with their heads cut off. - Minnesota Vikings: Cam Newton, QB Auburn (6'6 250lbs)- Old Man River finally rode off for good, sexting dick pics all the way into the sunset. Favre finally retiring is good news for the rest of us, but bad news for the Vikes who are now in desperate need of a QB. Cam Newton will likely go higher than this if he has an impressive combine, but he could slip if his father demands more money than teams are willing to give him (ZING!). In any case, the Vikings could also trade for a more seasoned QB and draft a DE to replace Ray Edwards, who is likely to leave via free agency. If they go that route, Aldon Smith or J.J. Watt would be the pick here.
- Detroit Lions: Tyron Smith, OT USC (6'5 290lbs)- If the Lions want to make the playoffs, they need to start protecting their #1 investment, Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford. They could wrap him in bubble wrap under his pads, or they could just do what they should have done years ago and draft a left tackle. And no, Lions fans, Jeff Backus does not count. Backus could be blocking a brick wall and still find a way to let it strip-sack Matthew Stafford. Tyron Smith and Nate Solder are pretty interchangeable here, but if Smith weighs in over 300lbs at the combine, he'll likely be the #1 OT in the draft. Keep Mr. Glass healthy, and the Lions are dangerously close to being relevant again; Tyron Smith should help them do that.
- St. Louis Rams: Aldon Smith, DE Missouri (6'5 260lbs)- The Rams need help on defense, especially along the line where Chris Long has finally begun to live up to his promise. Aside from Long though, there isn't much there. DT Fred Robbins is old and injury prone, DE James Hall is just old and then there's DT C.J. "Who" Ah You. Funny enough, he had 4 sacks this year in limited action, but at 270lbs is purely a situational rusher. Of course if he can rush the passer like that, they could move him to DE and then no one would ask "Who Ah You?" ever again. (Eh? Eh? See what I did there? Yea, that was awful. Excuse me while I go kill myself.) Regardless, Aldon Smith is a hellish beast of a pass rusher, but this pick could easily be J.J. Watt who would slot in at DT in Steve Spagnuolo's 4-3 scheme. Many compare Smith to Jason Pierre-Paul last year, but he's accomplished more in college than JPP ever had when the Giants took him at #15 overall. If Smith makes it this far, I put my money on Spags drafting the high-upside pass rusher over the solid DT.
- Miami Dolphins: Mark Ingram, RB Alabama (5'10 215lbs)- Again, I know what you're thinking. "Very original, Football Ranter. My fucking grandmother mocked Ingram to the Dolphins, and she thinks the NFL draft is a type of beer. Get a life and some decent picks, cockbag." Well, first off, vulgar and unnecessary (But well played, Sir). Second, your grandmother is a drunken hooker. Third, then at least she'll get one pick right, because Mark Ingram is going to the Dolphins. Chad Henne blows goats, but there's no QB's left to take at this point. The second best way to get the Miami offense going again is to find a suitable RB, and Ingram fits the bill. Ronnie Brown has been a disappointment essentially from the instant he was taken #2 overall back in 2005. Personally, I hope the Dolphins prove me wrong. I hate this pick like I hate people who ride their bikes to work. Join the 21st century you overachieving penis pumps, you're not Amish. Fuck those people, they suck. (Unless you are Amish, in which case...carry on.) If anything has been proved in the last few years it's that good RB's can be found anywhere in the draft, so there's no need to waste a top pick and a ton of money on one in the first round. Unfortunately, Ingram makes too much sense here not to be the pick.
- Jacksonville Jaguars: Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado (6'2 205lbs)- The Jaguars draft history is a fucking mess. Not in terms of talent, (they've actually had fairly good drafts despite sometimes reaching to draft players many felt would be available later) but rather in terms of need/value selections. In both of Gene Smith's years as GM, Jacksonville has selected multiple players at positions of need. In 2009 the Jags took 2 OT's in the first two rounds, and three (3!!) WR's in the 3rd, 4th and 7th rounds. Then last year he selected back to back DT's followed by back to back DE's. What does this mean for this year's draft? It means that while Smith could take a DE, he's more likely to lock on to a new position of need and draft the fuck out of it. To me, that position is CB. Rashean Mathis is good, but already 30 years old and they have nothing across from him. Jimmy Smith is really gaining momentum as a top 20 pick and is expected to have a sick combine, which will vault him up even higher. If the Jaguars don't give a shit about the two 5th round DE's they drafted last year though, this pick will be either Ryan Kerrigan or J.J. Watt.
- New England Patriots: Brandon Harris, CB Miami (5'11 195lbs)- The Dark Lord will almost certainly trade down here with so many good players still available. If not though, the Patriots need another CB to pair with Devin McCourty and (in this mock at least) the CB's are coming off the board quickly. A good defensive lineman will probably be available at the Patriots next selection, so they grab a very good CB here before they're all gone. Don't like this pick? Too bad. Bill Belichick finds your lack of faith disturbing.
- San Diego Chargers: J.J. Watt, DE Wisconsin (6'6 292lbs)- San Diego might be German for a "Whale's Vagina", but Charger is NFL for playoff choke-artist. Turn the pressure up and this team folds like...well...I don't know. Usually I compare other things that choke to the Chargers in the playoffs. In any case, the Chargers need help all along the D-Line. They really have next to nothing there aside from Luis Castillo, and J.J Watt falling this far would be a coup for the Bolts. Plus, now I can stop ending all of my fucking picks with "or J.J. Watt could be the pick here too." To be honest, that may have been the motivating factor here. Cameron Jordan would also be perfectly acceptable in this spot.
- New York Giants: Nate Solder, OT Colorado (6'8 314lbs)- Speaking of choke artists, for the third straight year the G-Men coughed it up (literally) down the stretch. The Giants paid big money to Antrel "Blown Coverage" Rolle to help fix the secondary and then watched that same secondary give up 10 plays of 40+ yards this year, 7th most in football. A cornerback is certainly a possibility here, but the only ones worth taking at this spot have all flown off the board. That leaves the offensive line, which is aging, as the only major concern left for the Giants. Current LT David Diehl's best asset is his ability to watch pass rushers fly by him and butt-fuck Eli Manning while he's busy trying to turn around. Nate Solder is a fairly controversial player, as opinions are very divided about him. But Jerry Reese showed last year that he's not afraid to take the high upside player if he feels the risk/reward ratio is right. The Giants may ultimately go with someone else here, but until more information is available Nate Solder is a good value/need combo for the G-Men.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue (6'4 263lbs)- The Buccaneers were a surprise this year, going 10-6 with help from a weak schedule. If they want to be serious contenders in the NFC south, they need to generate a better pass rush. Ryan Kerrigan is going a lot higher than this in most drafts and probably won't fall this far come April. If he's still available here Raheem Morris will try not to jizz in his pants as he sprints full speed to the podium to tackle Roger Goodell and get this pick in. Most mocks have DE Adrian Clayborn going here, but fuck those mocks- they suck. We're the Football Ranters and we're going to mock whoever the fuck we want here. That's how we roll.
- Kansas City Chiefs: Justin Houston, Rush LB Georgia (6'3 258lbs)- Speaking of teams that overachieved due to a weak schedule, the Chiefs showed their true colors in the playoff debacle in which Baltimore ripped KC's dick off, beat them senseless with it and then fed it to them. We at Football Ranters believe that the blame can be laid squarely at the feet of Matt "Why did the Pats have to trade me" Cassel, who turned in an impressive impersonation of Jimmy Claussen in that embarrassment of a football game. Football Ranters would tell the Chiefs to blow it up and draft a QB if there was one worth taking. Unfortunately, no QB's, #1 WR's or TE's available are worth being taken here. Instead the Chiefs will give teams someone to worry about across from Tamba Hali. Houston is a bit a project and some question his ability to diagnose plays, but the guy can get after the QB. If the Chiefs do go offense though, they could look for a tackle to push the somewhat disappointing Branden Albert.
- Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Castonzo, OT Boston College (6'7 311lbs)- The Colts offensive line let The Godfather get sacked 16 times this year, the most since 2007. Their run blocking went from bad to "light self on fire and leap from window to avoid seeing" awful. In short, they need help along the O-Line, preferably with multiple picks. That would start here by drafting Castonzo, who would hopefully take over at LT for the Horseshoes. It's not a secret that the Colts will be looking at O-Linemen either, Bill Polian admitted as much himself. Long live the Godfather!
- Philadelphia Eagles: Gabe Carimi, OT Wisconsin (6'7 314lbs)- Andy "I'm still hungry" Reid loves to draft along the interior lines. After moving up to take Brandon Graham last year, Fat Andy will go to the other side of the ball this year. Former 2nd rounder Winston Justice is as good at playing right tackle as the Football Ranter is at being politically correct: sometimes it just looks like he's not even trying. I'm sure Winston still has visions of Osi Umenyiora sprinting past him and waving before strip-sacking Donovan McNabb. An upgrade is needed and Carimi is the best player available at a position of need. Andy Reid shouldn't have to put his sandwich down to get this pick in, though I'm sure he'll still botch the clock management by trying to call a timeout during the 10 minutes he has to make the pick.
- New Orleans Saints: Mikel LeShoure, RB Illinois (6'0 230lbs)- Since drafting Reggie "The Disappointment" Bush #2 overall in 2006, Sean Payton has drafted only one other RB in 4 drafts. Payton took defensive backs in the first round the last two years because New Orleans needed help in the secondary. Now Bush's contract is almost up, no one can stay healthy and the Saints need a RB like Kim Kardashian needs black penis. LeShoure is a good value here, as some believe he is actually the superior RB to Mark Ingram.
- Seattle Seahawks: Colin Kaepernick, QB Nevada (6'5 225lbs)- The Seachickens' roster gargles my balls- this team is terrible. I know what you're going to say Seachicken fans, "Hey, Fuck you Football Ranter. This team won a playoff game against the defending world champions. Eat a dick, then kill yourself." No thank you, I'll pass. Instead, consider the fact that this is still a 7-9 team in the weakest division in football. They couldn't throw the ball, they couldn't run the ball, and they really couldn't stop anyone else from doing either of those things either (See for yourself). This team made it because the Rams choked on their own dicks in the final week of the season. There are so many holes on this roster a picture of it would look like the Titanic. The #1 thing that needs to be addressed though is Matty Nice's successor. This is a bit of a reach right now, but Colin Kaepernick is underrated. He could well be considered the third best QB in this draft by the time April rolls around. The Seachickens might be able to trade up in the 2nd round to grab Kaepernick rather than taking him here, but why take risks when choosing a franchise QB. If Pete Carroll doesn't like Kaepernick though, he could select a CB like Aaron Williams which Seattle also needs badly.
- Baltimore Ravens: Corey Liuget, DT/DE Illinois (6'3 300lbs)- Many mocks have Baltimore taking a WR here due to the epic dump Anquan Boldin/TJ Houshmandzadeh took all over the field in the playoffs against Pittsburgh. Both high priced wideouts dropped passes that might have won the game for the Ravens. Their performances may have earned them a night-time beating with a sock full of bars of soap by Joe Flacco, but considering what the Ravens gave up to go out and get those two, I don't believe they'll waste yet another pick on a WR. Instead John Harbaugh addresses the awful situation along the defensive line, where Kelly Gregg and Cory Redding are the current starters aside from Superman. The Ravens need to fix this and Liuget is a great fit here. Harbaugh likes his 3-4 linemen BIG; the Ravens don't have a defensive lineman that weighs less than 292lbs. Liuget is a good value here and fits the Ravens requirements at a position of need.
- Atlanta Falcons: Jonathan Baldwin, WR Pittsburgh (6'5 230lbs)- The Dirty Birds and Matty "Ice?" need help on offense. Tony Gonzalez is a surefire hall of famer who had a good season, but he's declining and his time is nearly up. Harry Douglas has not impressed anyone so far. Roddy White is a god, but he's all they have in the passing game. Matty Ice? needs another target to throw to, be that a TE or a WR. Since this is a little high to take TE Kyle Rudolph, who may fall into the second round due to injury concerns, the Dirty Birds go with Baldwin. Baldwin is a sick freak of nature who can catch a bald eagle with his bare hands, beat up Chuck Norris and divide by zero. Not only will the Falcons win the Superbowl if they draft him, they'll also conquer the world. (WARNING: Football Ranters is prone to fits of gross exaggeration.)
- New England Patriots: Muhammed Wilkerson, DT/DE Temple (6'5 305lbs)- If the draft actually falls out like this, I'll sacrifice a goat to Satan in the middle of 5th Avenue if The Dark Lord doesn't trade out of this pick. The Pats need some reinforcements along the offensive line. Matt Light is getting up there in age and a Sebastian Vollmer is nothing special. However, the Patriots really need a new LT and none are available here worth the 28th overall selection. Instead, the Pats go defense yet again and help bolster their line, which could use a quality DE next to Mount Wilfork. Now, if the Patriots traded out of the 17th overall pick earlier, then they would likely hold this one and select a DB. Whether that's Aaron Williams, Curtis Brown, or even FS Raheem Moore is up for debate. Hate this pick? Good. Let the hate flow through you.
- Chicago Bears: Benjamin Ijalana, G Villanova (6'4 320lbs)- Da Bears offensive line is full of more holes than Jesus at the end. Unless Lovie Smith wants to see Jay Cutler be crushed to death at the bottom of a heap of sweaty men as badly as the Football Ranter does, they need to get him some help along the line. Ijalana is a rising star and some now believe he profiles as a right tackle in the NFL, not just a guard. Good chance for Da Bears to get a good value and satisfy a need. Plus Jay Cutler may not kill himself before next season, so they have that going for them...which is nice.
- New York Jets: Cameron Heyward, DE Ohio State (6'5 288lbs)- Heyward could have gone in the top 15 picks last season if he had declared for the draft, so Fireman Ed will have to try not to simultaneously cum in his pants and die of a heart attack that he fell all the way #30 this year. Admittedly, I can see why some Jets fans would be wary about taking another
bustacular bustOhio State defensive end, but the Jets need help either at Rush LB or along the line. Since no rushers are available here, Heyward makes for a solid pick that should help the Jets get to the QB. - Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Pouncey, G Florida (6'5 313lbs)- Forget the "they're going to pick him because his brother already plays for the team" bullshit. The Steelers are consistently good because they draft the best player available, regardless of position. It wouldn't surprise the Football Ranter for Pouncey to go ten picks earlier than this and the Steelers still need help along the O-Line. Pouncey will be the pick if he's still here and no better prospect falls this far. The Steelers could use a WR to apprentice under the good but declining Hines Ward as well, so if they go that direction Titus Young and Torrey Smith are options here. Either way, Big Ben approves of this pick.
- Green Bay Packers: Ryan Williams, RB Virginia Tech (5'10 202lbs)- It really doesn't matter who the Reigning Champs pick so long as Aaron Rodgers continues to cut up defenses like an emo 14 year old cuts himself. The one thing they do need though is a running back. Ryan Grant is coming off a huge injury and James Starks had his moments, but is unproven. This is higher than most mocks have Williams, but at this point he's the third best RB in the draft and he won't be there when the Packers pick at the end of the second round. The Pack could also try to grab an offensive lineman here to pair with Bryan Bulaga when Chad Clifton retires or becomes ineffective. If so, pencil in Derek Sherrod or Stefan Wisniewski for the pick.
By the way, if you haven't done so already, check out Walterfootball.com. Excellent draft analysis with great mocks.
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