Mock Draft Uno (Picks 11-15)

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here are picks 11-15 of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

1. Carolina Panthers: Nick Fairley, DT Auburn (6'4 299lbs)- I know, very original.  No one else is mocking Fairley here, right?  Yea well go fuck a goat.  The Panthers have nothing at DT and desperately need an upgrade.  On the other hand, they do have some good young talent at DE.  Charles Johnson is just 24 and posted 11.5 sacks last year while Everett Brown had 4 sacks in his final 5 games.  That makes Fairley an acceptable blend of value and need, though I don't believe he's the prospect that Ndamukong Suh was last year.  Wide Receiver is also a need for the Panthers, but teams are built from the interior lines outward.  With a new regime in Carolina it's unlikely they would take a WR #1 overall, especially since Carolina has no second round pick after dealing it away last year.   
2. Denver Broncos: Patrick Peterson, CB LSU (6'1 222lbs)- The rationale here is fairly simple.  Josh McDaniels spent the last two seasons taking one massive dump after another all over the Denver roster before launching them at angry fans.  Unsurprisingly, he was dumped like a chick who gets fat before the wedding after just 12 games this year.  Despite the firing, 33-year old top cornerback Champ Bailey wants nothing to do with the steaming pile of camel shit that is the Broncos' roster edit: just signed a 4 year/$47 million extension (and did so less than 24 hours after I wrote this post.  Fuck my useless and miserable life.)  Enter the best corner prospect available in years and Peterson becomes an easy choice.  Pundits often justify mocking Da'Quan Bowers to the Broncos by noting that John Fox drafted DE Julius Peppers #2 overall way back in 2002.  But they often fail to examine Fox's overall body of draft-work.  Fox's first picks since 2002: 2 DE's, OT, CB, 2 LB's, 2 RB's, QB.  What does this tell us?  That John Fox takes whoever he feels is the best player available.  Others may disagree, but I'd bet he'll have Patrick Peterson higher on his board than Da'Quan Bowers.  
3. Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, Rush LB Texas Tech (6'3 240lbs)- The Buffalo Bills are an out of control train wreck about to plow through an elementary school filled with children and puppies and I have not the slightest fucking clue who they'll take in this year's draft.  I don't know whether they play a 4-3 or 3-4, and frankly I don't think Chan Gailey knows either.  What I do know is that former 1st rounder Aaron Maybin couldn't find an opposing QB if he was standing on top of one with both fists in his asshole.  Meanwhile, Von Miller had a monster senior bowl and is supposedly flying up draft boards across the league.  The Bills have no pass rush whatsoever and everyone seems to agree that Von Miller can rush the passer.  Since #3 overall is way too high to pick a talented but raw and one-dimensional pass rush specialist, the Bills are destined to select him here. 
4. Cincinnati Bengals: Da'Quan Bowers, DE Clemson (6'4 278lbs)- The Bungles actually have two pretty good DE's in Antwan Odom and Carlos Dunlap, but Odom is constantly injured and owed a lot of money next year.  It's not a stretch to foresee his release this offseason.  Even if Odom stays on the roster, Da'Quan Bowers had a heck of a season and he would be great injury insurance.  A.J. Green is also a possibility, especially if they cut Chad OchoSucko.  Until the offseason plays out and we have more information though, Bowers remains my lock to go to the Bungles.
5. Arizona Cardinals: Robert Quinn, DE North Carolina (6'5 268lbs)- Quinn is a great talent, even though he was suspended for all of this season.  The Cardinals have a pathetic pass rush and Quinn would certainly help that, though some feel he would be better suited as a 4-3 DE than a 3-4 Rush LB.  None of the other best players available line up with Arizona's needs here, so unless they're willing to reach for a QB or trade down- which is unlikely given Ken Wisenhunt's place firmly atop the hot seat, Quinn has to be the pick here.  Considering that Quinn could have gone #1 overall if he wasn't suspended, Cards fans should be furiously masturbating in celebration after this pick.
6. Cleveland Browns: A.J. Green, WR Georgia (6'4 204lbs)- For the first time since well, ever, there is hope on the horizon for the Brownies and his name is Colt McCoy.  Obviously he needs to put together more than a few good starts to be dubbed the franchise savior, but the Browns' recent QB history is comprised of failed #1 picks (Tim Couch), native flunkies (Brady Quinn) drunken, drooling slack-jaws (Derek Anderson) and a guy that has the misfortune of being awful, but not so awful that anyone remembers him (Charlie Frye).  Saying that the bar has been set low for Colt McCoy is like saying that 1945 was a bit of a rough year for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Regardless, firing Eric "The Mangina" Mangini was probably the right call after his second consecutive 5-11 season.  With a new coach comes a new philosophy and I don't know the first thing about who the fuck Pat Shurmur is or what he intends to do.  As such, even though I would never take a wide receiver this high, A.J. Green is the pick.  Mike Holmgren has taken a wideout early in the first round before (Koren Robinson, #9 overall in 2001) and Green is much more highly regarded as a prospect than Koren Robinson was then.  Not to mention that former 2nd round WR's Brian Robiskie and Mohamed Massaquoi have been utterly fucking worthless for the last two seasons.  I don't love this pick, but Green gives Colt McCoy a top target to aid his development.  Prince Amukamara is also a possibility, but with the Browns taking Joe Haden last year at #8 overall, they may not want to tie up so much cash in two CB's.
7. San Francisco 49ers: Prince Amukamara, CB Nebraska (6'1 205lbs)- If this is how the real draft shakes out, I would eat my own dick if Jerry Jones didn't get on the horn to the Niners and deal for this pick to select Amukamara for the Cowboys.  With Jim Harbaugh in place as the new coach, the 49ers will be looking for a QB.  But none of the QB's remaining are worth taking at #7 overall, hence the trade down.  Since I won't predict trades (yet) in the mock though, the 49ers will take the best player available at a position of need.  They have the overpaid and declining Nate Clements at CB and....nobody.  Amukamara has the potential to be a top-5 or 10 CB in the NFL and I could realistically see the 49ers staying put to take him if he makes it this far.  
8. Tennessee Titans: Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri (6'5 235lbs)- The Titans and Niners back to back might be the two toughest teams to predict.  However, Gabbert is the pick here because Bud Adams knows he needs a franchise QB to build the team around.  Last time he was in this position, he wasted no time and took Vince "I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion" Young.  For the sake of Titans fans everywhere, lets hope that if it plays out this way Adams chooses better than he did last time around.  Admittedly it would be tough to do worse than Young, who despite winning a mostly undeserved award, spent more time acting like an angst ridden 14 year old girl than an NFL quarterback.   
9. Dallas Cowboys: Marcell Dareus, DT Alabama (6'4 306lbs)- Like a hot chick that just doesn't try hard enough in bed, Dallas underachieved and disappointed their fans.  A team with this talent shouldn't be picking this high, but Dallas' season was over the moment Michael Boley broke his dick off in Tony Romo's ass.  If Dallas were to find itself in this draft position though, I suspect Jerry Jones would have either traded up or down to avoid this.  Marcell Dareus is a very good prospect and should help Dallas along their 3-4 defensive line, but it's not a huge area of need for the 'Boys.  The problem is that no one else Dallas could choose here would represent a good blend of need and value.  A scenario I could see is a team picking in the 20's, like the Saints, trading up in order to take Mark Ingram (RB, Alabama) or select Dareus themselves, neither of which is expected to make it past the teens.  For now though, Dallas takes Dareus and is stacked along the D-Line for the next few years. 
10. Washington Redskins: Julio Jones, WR Alabama (6'4 211lbs)- Washington's wide receiver situation is deplorable: an aging Santana Moss and a bunch of guys that can't make a play to save their own jobs.  Mike Shanahan has twice before picked a WR in the first round, and Julio Jones has all the talent in the world.  Admittedly, his two previous first round wideouts (Ashlie Lelie and Marcus Nash) worked out about as well as eating Indian food before sex.  Having said that, Washington's defense is god awful along the line and the 'Skins could use another pass rusher as well since Andre Carter flopped at rush LB.  If they choose to go defense in the first round, pencil in Cameron Jordan as a possibility here after tearing up the Senior Bowl.
11. Houston Texans: Phil Taylor, NT Baylor (6'4 337lbs)- The Texans were Paris Hilton in the NFL last year- everyone scored on them.  So while this is a very aggressive ranking for Phil Taylor, the Texans are switching from the get slammed in the ass D the 4-3 to the 3-4 and need a nose tackle to make it work.  The Texans have a habit of drafting for need over value though and Phil Taylor might have been the most impressive player at the Senior Bowl.  In any case, Gary Kubiak needs to get some help on D, or the Texans will waste another year of Matt Schaub's prime watching their defenders run around clucking like chickens with their heads cut off.
12. Minnesota Vikings: Cam Newton, QB Auburn (6'6 250lbs)- Old Man River finally rode off for good, sexting dick pics all the way into the sunset.  Favre finally retiring is good news for the rest of us, but bad news for the Vikes who are now in desperate need of a QB.  Cam Newton will likely go higher than this if he has an impressive combine, but he could slip if his father demands more money than teams are willing to give him (ZING!).  In any case, the Vikings could also trade for a more seasoned QB and draft a DE to replace Ray Edwards, who is likely to leave via free agency.  If they go that route, Aldon Smith or J.J. Watt would be the pick here.  
13. Detroit Lions: Tyron Smith, OT USC (6'5 290lbs)- If the Lions want to make the playoffs, they need to start protecting their #1 investment, Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford.  They could wrap him in bubble wrap under his pads, or they could just do what they should have done years ago and draft a left tackle.  And no, Lions fans, Jeff Backus does not count.  Backus could be blocking a brick wall and still find a way to let it strip-sack Matthew Stafford.  Tyron Smith and Nate Solder are pretty interchangeable here, but if Smith weighs in over 300lbs at the combine, he'll likely be the #1 OT in the draft.  Keep Mr. Glass healthy, and the Lions are dangerously close to being relevant again; Tyron Smith should help them do that.
14. St. Louis Rams: Aldon Smith, DE Missouri (6'5 260lbs)- The Rams need help on defense, especially along the line where Chris Long has finally begun to live up to his promise.  Aside from Long though, there isn't much there.  DT Fred Robbins is old and injury prone, DE James Hall is just old and then there's DT C.J. "Who" Ah You.  Funny enough, he had 4 sacks this year in limited action, but at 270lbs is purely a situational rusher.  Of course if he can rush the passer like that, they could move him to DE and then no one would ask "Who Ah You?" ever again.  (Eh?  Eh?  See what I did there?  Yea, that was awful.  Excuse me while I go kill myself.)  Regardless, Aldon Smith is a hellish beast of a pass rusher, but this pick could easily be J.J. Watt who would slot in at DT in Steve Spagnuolo's 4-3 scheme.  Many compare Smith to Jason Pierre-Paul last year, but he's accomplished more in college than JPP ever had when the Giants took him at #15 overall.  If Smith makes it this far, I put my money on Spags drafting the high-upside pass rusher over the solid DT.  
15. Miami Dolphins: Mark Ingram, RB Alabama (5'10 215lbs)- Again, I know what you're thinking.  "Very original, Football Ranter.  My fucking grandmother mocked Ingram to the Dolphins, and she thinks the NFL draft is a type of beer.  Get a life and some decent picks, cockbag."  Well, first off, vulgar and unnecessary (But well played, Sir).  Second, your grandmother is a drunken hooker.  Third, then at least she'll get one pick right, because Mark Ingram is going to the Dolphins.  Chad Henne blows goats, but there's no QB's left to take at this point.  The second best way to get the Miami offense going again is to find a suitable RB, and Ingram fits the bill.  Ronnie Brown has been a disappointment essentially from the instant he was taken #2 overall back in 2005.  Personally, I hope the Dolphins prove me wrong.  I hate this pick like I hate people who ride their bikes to work.  Join the 21st century you overachieving penis pumps, you're not Amish.  Fuck those people, they suck.  (Unless you are Amish, in which case...carry on.)  If anything has been proved in the last few years it's that good RB's can be found anywhere in the draft, so there's no need to waste a top pick and a ton of money on one in the first round.  Unfortunately, Ingram makes too much sense here not to be the pick. 

Check back tomorrow night for picks 16-20.  Until next time, Lunatics.