Mock Draft Cinco

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find the final version of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft, barring any last minute changes tomorrow on Draft Day. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

1. Carolina Panthers: - Cam Newton, QB Auburn (6'5 248lbs)- It's true that the Panthers have nothing at DT and desperately need an upgrade.  Either Nick Fairley or Marcell Dareus fit for that reason, as would A.J. Green since Carolina needs a WR as well.  I know what you're thinking.  "With all those other needs, why on earth is Cam "The Entertainer" Newton here?"  The Football Ranter grants you that Mr. Magoo would have made more reads running a college offense, Newton's Wonderlic score rivals that of a challenged 7 year old (though ironically he beat Vince Young) and he might be the 20th best player in this draft.  So why is he the pick?  Because the #1 pick is going to be a quarterback.  Sadly, there is no elite QB talent in this draft.  But Carolina has no second round pick after dealing it away last year, so they can't simply use their second round pick on someone like Colin Kaepernick or Christian Ponder.  The Panthers need to make this pick count and the best way to do that is take a potential franchise QB.  Whether that's Cam Newton or Blaine Gabbert is yet to be seen, but rumors have been flying around that the Panthers prefer Newton.    
2. Denver Broncos: Marcell Dareus, DT Alabama (6'3 319lbs)- The Football Ranter finally caved and put Dareus in the number two spot, where everyone else has him.  Wait, what's that?  The rumor now is that Denver is going to pick Von Miller at #2?  Did Josh McDaniels sneak back into the Broncos' war room and bludgeon Elway to death with his ego?  That has to be it, because there's no other explanation for the Broncos taking Von Miller for the 4-3 defense.  Either way, Patrick Peterson is the top talent in this draft, but 33-year old top cornerback Champ Bailey signed a 4 year/$47 million extension and Perrish Cox is in jail place as the other starting CB.  Bailey is in the twilight of his career and will likely move to free safety within a couple of years, but for now the Broncos can address their biggest issue: switching the 4-3 defense without any of the personnel to do so.  If Denver wants to try to fit a 747 into a car garage, that's their call but they're going to have to destroy the garage (read: their defense) to pull it off.  The Football Ranter will never fully give up on the Patrick Peterson conspiracy theory until Fox's pick is in though.  Just to recap Fox's first picks since 2002: 2 DE's, OT, CB, 2 LB's, 2 RB's, QB.  What does this tell us?  That John Fox takes whoever he feels is the best player available.  Given the fact that Fox has publicly said that he needs to address the defensive tackle position early in the draft, it seemed to be a foregone conclusion that Dareus will go to Denver, but then the McDaniels thing above happened.      
3. Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, Rush LB Texas Tech (6'3 246lbs)- The Buffalo Bills are an out of control train wreck about to plow through an elementary school filled with children and puppies, but we finally have some idea of are back to having no fucking clue what they'll do in this draft.  Last year Chan Gailey called his shot by declaring pre-draft that the Bills were seeking a pass-catching running back, then selecting C.J. Spiller.  This was immediately followed by a worldwide simultaneous facepalm as Bills fans collectively realized that their head coach/GM combo is the football equivalent of a brain damaged monkey and Captain Ahab agreeing on picks.  On a positive note, these events spawned the international symbol for Chan Gailey.  In any case, Monkey Fucking a Football Chan Gailey has done it again here, calling his shot by saying the Bills like Blaine Gabbert's athleticism and stating that they believe both top QB's in this draft are ready to start from day one.  Unfortunately, he also praised current starter Ryan Fitzpatrick and raved about Von Miller's Senior Bowl performance.  All we can be sure of at this point is that Chan Gailey will someone's name out of the "draft hat" Buffalo customarily uses to pick players. 
4. Cincinnati Bengals: A.J. Green, WR Georgia (6'4 211lbs)- A.J. Green is a heck of a talent and the Bungles need a WR.  While picking a WR this high is almost never a good idea, this might only be another reason the Bengals would do exactly that.  DE is the better money/need value at the #4 pick, but Da'Quan Bowers' knee injury has him in absolute freefall down boards. Marvin Lewis seems to weigh need heavily into his value calculations and A.J. Green is one of the top talents in the draft at a position of need.  Ipso facto, Green to the Bungles. 
5. Arizona Cardinals: Robert Quinn, DE North Carolina (6'4 265lbs)- The Cardinals have a pass rush like Haiti has electricity and clean water (Read: they don't) and Quinn would almost certainly help that, though some question his ability to drop into coverage effectively; but quite frankly, the Football Ranter doesn't see Demarcus Ware dropping into coverage a whole lot while he's busy murdering the QB with a trident and everyone seems to be pretty cool with that.  Unfortunately for the Cards, Joey Porter and Clark Haggans gargle elephant balls, so it's worth taking the gamble on Quinn.  None of the other best players available line up with Arizona's needs here, so unless they're willing to reach for a QB or trade down- which is unlikely given Ken Wisenhunt's place firmly atop the hot seat, Quinn has to be the pick here.  Many mocks have Patrick Peterson going here, but the Football Ranter does not believe the Cardinals will pay first round money to another CB while the pass rush remains this pathetic.  
6. Cleveland Browns: Patrick Peterson, CB LSU (6'0 219lbs)- For the first time since well, ever, there is hope on the horizon for the Brownies and his name is Colt McCoy.  Obviously he needs to put together more than a few good starts to be dubbed the franchise savior, but the Browns' recent QB history is comprised of failed #1 picks (Tim Couch), native flunkies (Brady Quinn) drunken, drooling slack-jaws (Derek Anderson) and a guy that has the misfortune of being awful, but not so awful that anyone remembers him (Charlie Frye).  Saying that the bar has been set low for Colt McCoy is like saying that 1945 was a bit of a rough year for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Regardless, firing Eric "The Mangina" Mangini was probably the right call after his second consecutive 5-11 season.  With a new coach comes a new philosophy and I don't know the first thing about who the fuck Pat Shurmur is or what he intends to do, though rumor has it that he's switching the Browns to a 4-3.  I know, I know.  The Browns just cut Shaun Rogers, leaving them with Nobody, Mr. Nobody and Captain Nobody on the defensive line.  The WR position is awful on this team.  How can they eschew those other needs for Peterson?  He's the best player available and the Browns need a second CB.  If A.J. Green is still available he could be the pick, as could Julio Jones here.  Mike Holmgren has taken a wideout early in the first round before (Koren Robinson, #9 overall in 2001) and Green is much more highly regarded as a prospect than Koren Robinson was then.  Not to mention that former 2nd round WR's Brian Robiskie and Mohamed Massaquoi have been utterly fucking worthless for the last two seasons.  But you cannot pass up a talent like Patrick Peterson when you have only one starting CB, so the Browns make the right move and pick the top talent in the draft at #6 overall.   
7. San Francisco 49ers: Prince Amukamara, CB Nebraska (6'0 206lbs)- With Jim Harbaugh in place as the new coach, the 49ers will be looking for a QB.  Reports have been that the Niners aren't thrilled with Blaine Gabbert though.  Instead, they address the secondary and take Prince Amukamara.  They have the overpaid and declining Nate Clements at CB and....nobody.  Amukamara has the potential to be a top-5 CB in the NFL and I could realistically see the 49ers taking him if he makes it this far.  Still, Harbaugh reportedly tried to recruit Gabbert back in the day, so his "lack of interest" in Gabbert could be a smokescreen.  This pick might be the hardest in the draft to peg, as it's a toss up between QB, CB and trade down.  Anything is possible, but Prince fills a dire need and won't be there when the Niners pick in the 2nd round.  One of the QB's will be there when the Niners pick next.   
8. Tennessee Titans: Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri (6'5 235lbs)- "Very fucking original, Football Ranter.  No one else has Gabbert here now that people say he's dropping down draft boards.  Maybe do some original work, junk-puncher.  Then jump into oncoming traffic."  Wow, first off, harsh.  Very harsh.   Second, Adams knows he needs a franchise QB to build this team around.  Last time he was in this position, he wasted no time and took Vince "I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion" Young.  For the sake of Titans fans everywhere, lets hope Gabbert is worth taking at #8.  Trading down to take Christian Ponder or Colin Kaepernick in the late 1st or early second would be better than reaching for Gabbert here if the Titans aren't fans of his, just as Adams reached big time for VY.  Admittedly it would be tough to do worse than Young, who despite winning a mostly undeserved award, spent more time acting like an angst ridden 14 year old girl than an NFL quarterback.  It's a risky pick, but hey at least it's not Jake Locker.  
9. Dallas Cowboys: Aldon Smith, DE Missouri (6'4 263lbs)- Like a hot chick that just doesn't try hard enough in bed, Dallas underachieved and disappointed its fans.  A team with this talent shouldn't be picking this high, but Dallas' season was over the moment Michael Boley broke his dick off in Tony Romo's ass.  Jerry Jones is praying to every god he's ever heard of that Prince Amukamara falls to him, but it doesn't happen here.  And no, the Football Ranter does give even a single shit that the Cowboys are claiming they're "set at the CB position" and "don't love Amukamara."  This is classic Jerry Jones smoke screen: tell everyone you want Tyron Smith even though you have never (never, as in not even once) selected an offensive lineman in the first round.  You can fool everyone else, but not the Football Ranter, Jerry.  You're on Prince Amukamara like Michael Jackson on a boy scout campout. (Too soon?  Probably too soon.) Without Prince on the board though, Jerry makes a splash another way and takes Aldon Smith to complement Demarcus Ware in the pass rush.  This is the highest I've seen anyone mock Smith and the Football Ranter admits it's a long shot.  But I refuse to believe that Jerry Jones will go quietly into the night and select J.J. Watt or Tyron Smith.  Another possibility is a trade up for Patrick Peterson, but the chances of that happening are the same as the Football Ranter having a drunken foursome with Eva Mendes, Rachel McAdams and Anna Kournikova.  It's one in a million...but we're sayin' there's a chance.  Much more likely Dallas deals this pick downward to a team looking to pick Julio Jones.  A trade with the Rams would be the real pick here if this mock included trades.   
10. Washington Redskins: Julio Jones, WR Alabama (6'4 211lbs)- A wide receiver before getting help on defense?  It's inconceivable!  No, it is not.  Washington's wide receiver situation is deplorable: an aging Santana Moss and a bunch of guys that can't make a play to save their own jobs.  Mike Shanahan has twice before picked a WR in the first round, and Julio Jones has all the talent in the world.  He exploded at the combine, posting better numbers than A.J. Green and looking better in the drills as well.  Admittedly, Shanahan's two previous first round wideouts (Ashlie Lelie and Marcus Nash) worked out about as well as eating Indian food before sex.  Having said that, Washington's defense is god awful along the line and the 'Skins could use another pass rusher as well since Andre Carter flopped at rush LB.  If they choose to go defense in the first round, pencil in Cameron Jordan or J.J. Watt as a possibilities here.
11. Houston Texans: J.J. Watt, DE Wisconsin (6'5 290lbs)- The Texans were Paris Hilton in the NFL last year- everyone scored on them.  So while this is a very aggressive ranking for Taylor, the Texans are switching from the get slammed in the ass D the 4-3 to the 3-4 and need linemen to make it work.  In any case, Gary Kubiak needs to get some help on D, or the Texans will waste another year of Matt Schaub's prime watching their defenders run around clucking like chickens with their heads cut off.  The other options here are to go pass rusher, where Aldon Smith, Akeem Ayers or even Brooks Reed could fit the bill since the Texans aren't afraid to reach to get a player at a position of need.  Don't discount Justin Houston here either, if only because Wade Phillips may see the next Demarcus Ware in him Nope, Houston failed a drug test at the combine.  Goodbye first round status.  And yes, the Football Ranter has a raging, unconcealed football-boner for Demarcus Ware.  The man is an unstoppable beast and every QB that plays him is lucky to live through the experience.  Fuck Yea Demarcus Ware!  (Ugh...it had to be a picture of him literally snapping his dick off in Eli Manning's ass didn't it...fuck my life.)  
12. Minnesota Vikings: Nick Fairley, DT Auburn (6'4 297lbs)- Old Man River finally rode off for good, sexting dick pics all the way into the sunset.  Favre finally retiring is good news for the rest of us, but bad news for the Vikes who are now in desperate need of a QB.  With Gabbert and The Entertainer off the board though, any other QB is a big reach here.  The Vikes could well try to trade down here, or they could trade for a more seasoned QB and draft a DT to replace the Williams Wall, which is ancient, as the Football Ranter has them doing here.  Fairley is a surprise falling this far, but word on the street is that teams are terrified of the fact that he only had one year of production.  The pick could also be Cameron Jordan, or the Vikes could go DE and take Da'Quan Bowers.  Bowers is in free fall right now though because, well, he only has one knee, sir.  The Football Ranter is not a scientist, but even he knows that it is difficult to rush the passer as a cripple.  (We kid, we kid.  There is nothing at all wrong with being a cripple.  Well, except not being able to walk- there is definitely something wrong with that.  Welp, this apology hasn't gone as planned.  Shut it down.)  Seriously though, this pick is getting dealt.  The Vikings want a QB and they'll trade back to #20 with the Buccaneers who want a DE to get him.        
13. Detroit Lions: Anthony Castonzo, OT Boston College (6'7 311lbs)- If the Lions want to make the playoffs, they need to start protecting their #1 investment, Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford.  They could wrap him in bubble wrap under his pads, or they could just do what they should have done years ago and draft a left tackle.  And no, Lions fans, Jeff Backus does not count.  Backus could be blocking a brick wall and still find a way to let it strip-sack Matthew Stafford.  After Tyron Smith weighed in at 307lbs at the combine he was widely considered the #1 OT in the draft.  However, questions have emerged about his ability to play left tackle, at least immediately.  Anthony Castonzo is viewed as a more pro-ready prospect who can slot into LT right away.  He doesn't have Smith's upside though, which is why Smith could still be the pick here.  Either way, keep Mr. Glass healthy and the Lions are dangerously close to being relevant again.  Or, as a loyal reader and staunch Lions fan pointed out, relevant for the first time ever.
14. St. Louis Rams: Corey Liuget, DT Illinois (6'2 298lbs)- "Oh, no way!  Corey Liuget to the Rams?  Hey, Football Ranter- when you get done sucking off Mel Kiper, what do you do with the rest of your day?  Head over to Todd McShay's house and copy his mock?  Very fucking original, ass pirate."  First off,  how do you know my schedule?  Stop following me around, it's creepy.  Second, the Rams need help on defense, especially along the line where Chris Long has finally begun to live up to his promise.  Aside from Long though, there isn't much there.  DT Fred Robbins is old and injury prone, DE James Hall is just old and then there's DT C.J. "Who" Ah You.  Funny enough, he had 4 sacks this year in limited action, but at 270lbs is purely a situational rusher.  Of course if he can rush the passer like that, they could move him to DE and then no one would ask "Who Ah You?" ever again.  (Eh?  Eh?  See what I did there?  Yea, that was awful.  Excuse me while I go kill myself.)  Regardless, Aldon Smith is a hellish beast of a pass rusher and will probably be the pick if he's there.  If Smith makes it this far, I put my money on Spags drafting the high-upside pass rusher over the solid DT.  Since he's not, Spagnuolo grabs Liuget, who many 4-3 teams are very high on.   
15. Miami Dolphins: Cameron Jordan, DT/DE Cal (6'4 287lbs)- Finally!  Someone not mocking Mark Ingram Mike Pouncey to the 'Fins.  Well Lunatics, the Football Ranter still believes the pick could be Ingram or Pouncey.  Consider this a desperate plea for sanity from the Dolphins, or for the Fins to at least trade down before selecting Ingram.  It's true, Chad Henne blows goats, but there's no QB left to take at this point.  Some will say a RB is the next best thing to get the offense going, but the Football Ranter hates taking a RB in round 1 like he hates people who ride their bikes to work.  Join the 21st century you overachieving penis pumps, you're not Amish.  Fuck those people, they suck.  (Unless you are Amish, in which case...carry on.)  If anything has been proved in the last few years it's that good RB's can be found anywhere in the draft, so there's no need to waste a top pick and a ton of money on one in the first round.  Instead, Miami helps itself out on the defensive side of the ball and takes a talented DE to rejuvenate an aging D-Line that needs upgrades. 
16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue (6'4 267lbs)- The Jaguars draft history is a fucking mess.  Not in terms of talent, (they've actually had fairly good drafts despite sometimes reaching to draft players many felt would be available later) but rather in terms of need/value selections.  In both of Gene Smith's years as GM, Jacksonville has selected multiple players at positions of need.  In 2009 the Jags took 2 OT's in the first two rounds, and three (3!!) WR's in the 3rd, 4th and 7th rounds.  Then last year he selected back to back DT's followed by back to back DE's.  What does this mean for this year's draft?  It means that Smith could take a DE or lock on to a new position of need and draft the fuck out of it.  The Football Ranter had a CB here for months, but Brandon Harris' stock has fallen off a cliff and Jimmy Smith's character concerns will keep the Jags far, far away from him.  So unfortunately, the pick that makes the most sense now is the one everyone and their fucking mother has had for Jacksonville since the dawn of time.  The Football Ranter doesn't like it either, Lunatics, but this could be one of the three or four picks in every mainstream mock draft that ends up being correct.  It just makes too much sense from a need/value standpoint.          
17. New England Patriots: Tyron Smith, OT USC (6'5 307lbs)- The Dark Lord will almost certainly trade down here with so many good players still available.  The Pats need some reinforcements along the offensive line.  Matt Light is getting up there in age and Sebastian Vollmer is nothing special.  The Patriots really need a new OT and Tyron Smith fits the bill.  A good defensive lineman will probably be available at the Patriots next selection, so they grab a very good OT here before they're all gone.  Don't like this pick?  Too bad.  Bill Belichick finds your lack of faith disturbing.
18. San Diego Chargers: Phil Taylor, NT Baylor (6'3 334lbs)- San Diego might be German for a "Whale's Vagina", but Charger is NFL for playoff choke-artist.  Turn the pressure up and this team folds like...well...I don't know.  Usually I compare other things that choke to the Chargers in the playoffs.  In any case, the Chargers need help all along the D-Line.  They really have next to nothing along the line aside from Luis Castillo and upgrades are desperately needed, particularly at NT.  If the Bolts prefer Muhammad Wilkerson though, he could be the pick to play DE in their 3-4 scheme.        
19. New York Giants: Mike Pouncey, G Florida (6'5 313lbs)- Speaking of choke artists, for the third straight year the G-Men coughed it up (literally) down the stretch.  The Giants paid big money to Antrel "Blown Coverage" Rolle to help fix the secondary and then watched that same secondary give up 10 plays of 40+ yards this year, 7th most in football.  A cornerback is certainly a possibility here, but the only ones worth taking at this spot are long gone.  That leaves the offensive line, which is aging, as the only major concern left for the Giants.  Current LT David Diehl's best asset is his ability to watch pass rushers fly by him and butt-fuck Eli Manning while he's busy trying to turn around.  If Castonzo is available the Football Ranter will shit his pants if the G-Men don't bolt for the podium to hand his name in, but since he's off the board here, Mike Pouncey makes sense to play the inside for the Giants.  It doesn't solve the David Diehl issue, but the Giants could slide former 2nd round pick Will Beatty in at LT if they believe he's ready.   
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Adrian Clayborn, DE Iowa (6'3 285lbs)- The Buccaneers were a surprise this year, going 10-6 with help from a weak schedule.  If they want to be serious contenders in the NFC south, they need to generate a better pass rush.  Apparently the Bucs have a raging man-boner for Justin Houston and Adrian Clayborn, so Raheem Morris will try not to jizz in his pants as he sprints full speed to the podium to tackle Roger Goodell and get this pick in.  Justin Houston weighed in at 270lbs at the combine, which makes him the perfect size for a 4-3 DE, but he failed a drug test at the combine and will probably fall farther than this.  Clayborn has his own issues with Erb's Palsy sapping some of his strength, so he's risky as well.  As noted above, my true pick here is for the Bucs to trade up to #12 with the Vikings and select Ryan Kerrigan, Cameron Jordan or Aldon Smith- whichever is available.  
21. Kansas City Chiefs: Brooks Reed, DE/ROLB Arizona (6'3 263lbs)- Speaking of teams that overachieved due to a weak schedule, the Chiefs showed their true colors in the playoff debacle in which Baltimore ripped KC's dick off, beat them senseless with it and then fed it to them.  We at Football Ranters believe that the blame can be laid squarely at the feet of Matt "Why did the Pats have to trade me" Cassel, who turned in an impressive impersonation of Jimmy Claussen in that embarrassment of a football game.  Football Ranters would tell the Chiefs to blow it up and draft a QB if there was one worth taking.  Unfortunately, no QB's, #1 WR's or TE's available are worth being taken here.  Instead the Chiefs will give teams someone to worry about across from Tamba Hali.   The Chiefs often draft based upon scheme fit, and Brooks Reed can play the ROLB position in the 3-4 defense. 
22. Indianapolis Colts: Derek Sherrod, OT Mississippi State (6'5 321lbs)- The Colts offensive line let The Godfather get sacked 16 times this year, the most since 2007.  Their run blocking went from bad to "light self on fire and leap from window to avoid seeing" awful.  In short, they need help along the O-Line, preferably with multiple picks.  That would start here by drafting Sherrod, who would hopefully take over at LT for the Horseshoes.  It's not a secret that the Colts will be looking at O-Linemen either, Bill Polian admitted as much himself.  Long live the Godfather!
23. Philadelphia Eagles: Gabe Carimi, OT Wisconsin (6'7 314lbs)- Andy "I'm still hungry" Reid loves to draft along the interior lines.  After moving up to take Brandon Graham last year, Fat Andy will go to the other side of the ball this year.  Former 2nd rounder Winston Justice is as good at playing right tackle as the Football Ranter is at being politically correct: sometimes it just looks like he's not even trying.  I'm sure Winston still has visions of Osi Umenyiora sprinting past him and waving before junk-punching Donovan McNabb.  An upgrade is needed and Carimi is the best player available at a position of need.  Andy Reid shouldn't have to put his sandwich down to get this pick in, though I'm sure he'll still botch the clock management by trying to call a timeout during the 10 minutes he has to make the pick.  Benjamin Ijalana is also a possibility here if Reid doesn't love Carimi, as is Jimmy Smith Reid goes defense.
24. New Orleans Saints: Cameron Heyward, DE/DT Ohio State (6'5 294lbs)- Sean Payton took defensive backs in the first round the last two years because New Orleans needed help in the secondary.  Now Reggie Bush's contract is almost up, Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory cannot stay healthy and the Saints need a RB like Kim Kardashian needs black penis.  However, since drafting Reggie "The Disappointment" Bush #2 overall in 2006, Sean Payton has drafted only one other RB in 4 years.  The Saints also just resigned Pierre Thomas to a 3-year deal.  Clearly Payton is wary of taking another RB high in the draft and will pass on one here.  On the other hand, the Saints could use help along the D-Line and a versatile player like Heyward who can play inside or outside fits the mold for the Saints.       
25. Seattle Seahawks: Da'Quan Bowers, DE Clemson (6'3 280lbs)- The Seachickens' roster gargles my balls- this team is terrible.  I know what you're going to say Seachicken fans, "Hey, Fuck you Football Ranter.  This team won a playoff game against the defending world champions.  Eat a dick, then kill yourself."  No thank you, I'll pass.  Instead, consider the fact that this is still a 7-9 team in the weakest division in football.  They couldn't throw the ball, they couldn't run the ball, and they really couldn't stop anyone else from doing either of those things either (See for yourself).  This team made it because the Rams choked on their own dicks in the final week of the season.  There are so many holes on this roster a picture of it would look like the Titanic.  The #1 thing that needs to be addressed is Matty Nice's successor.  Originally, the Football Ranter envisioned a reach for either Colin Kaepernick or Christian Ponder, but the Seachickens did a nice job last year of waiting for talent to fall to them and then pouncing.  If Bowers makes it this far, they'll do the same and worry about a QB in round two.  However, the same logic as before applies and if the 'Hawks desperately want a QB they'll grab one here. 
26. Baltimore Ravens: Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado (6'2 205lbs)- Many mocks have Baltimore taking a WR here due to the epic dump Anquan Boldin/TJ Houshmandzadeh took all over the field in the playoffs against Pittsburgh.  Both high priced wideouts dropped passes that might have won the game for the Ravens.  Their performances may have earned them a night-time beating with a sock full of bars of soap by Joe Flacco, but considering what the Ravens gave up to go out and get those two, I don't believe they'll waste yet another pick on a WR.  Instead John Harbaugh addresses the awful situation along at CB, where they only have one decent corner.  Defensive line help is another possibility here, where Kelly Gregg and Cory Redding are the current starters aside from Superman.  The Ravens need to fix this and Wilkerson could be a good fit here.  But Jimmy Smith has too much talent to let pass and the Ravens will overlook his character concerns because of their veteran locker room presence.
27. Atlanta Falcons: Kyle Rudolph, TE Notre Dame (6'6 258lbs)- The Dirty Birds and Matty "Ice?" need help on offense.  Tony Gonzalez is a surefire hall of famer who had a good season, but he's declining and his time is nearly up.  Harry Douglas has not impressed anyone so far.  Roddy White is a god, but he's all they have in the passing game.  Matty Ice? needs another target to throw to, be that a TE or a WR.  This is a little high to take TE Kyle Rudolph, who may fall into the second round due to injury concerns, but the Dirty Birds do not have many options.  Jonathan Baldwin is a sick freak of nature who can catch a bald eagle with his bare hands, beat up Chuck Norris and divide by zero, but character concerns and a poor pro day showing have him dropping like a rock.  Torrey Smith projects as a #2 wideout, not a top WR on a playoff team.  Rudolph, on the other hand, has legit 1st round talent- injuries are the only concern here.    
28. New England Patriots: Mark Ingram, RB Alabama (5'10 215lbs)- If the draft actually falls out like this, I'll sacrifice a goat to Satan in the middle of 5th Avenue if The Dark Lord doesn't trade out of this pick.  If not though, the Patriots get a good value here with Ingram.  They could of course go defense yet again and help bolster their line, which could use a quality DE next to Mount Wilfork.  Now, if the Patriots traded out of the 17th overall pick earlier, then they would likely hold this one and select a DB.  Whether that's Jimmy Smith, Aaron Williams, Curtis Brown, or even FS Raheem Moore is up for debate.  Hate this pick?  Good.  Let the hate flow through you.   
29. Chicago Bears: Nate Solder, OT Colorado (6'8 319lbs)- Da Bears offensive line is full of more holes than Jesus at the end.  Unless Lovie Smith wants to see Jay Cutler be crushed to death at the bottom of a heap of sweaty men as badly as the Football Ranter does, they need to get him some help along the line.  Nate Solder will probably go higher than this in the actual draft, but at this slot he represeents a good chance for Da Bears to get good value and satisfy a need.  So they have that going for them...which is nice.  
30. New York Jets: Muhammed Wilkerson, DT/DE Temple (6'5 305lbs)- The Jets need help either at Rush LB  so pencil in Akeem Ayers for this slot.  First, people doubted Ayers' ability to rush the passer.  Now analysts are saying his best asset is...wait for it...his ability to rush the passer.  Does anyone really know what the fuck is going on with Akeem Ayers?  At this rate, next week his best asset will be his ability to catch a live chicken, but scouts will be debating his fear of flightless birds.  Memo to scouting departments: get your shit together, this kind of thing is fucking embarrassing.  In truth, Ayers could go much higher than this, so he would be perfectly acceptable here.  And Jets fans, OK fine, you got me.  Cameron Heyward will not be the pick if he's still available.  No chance the Jets roll the dice on another "questionable motor" Ohio State cockbasket like Heyward.  Fuck Ohio State!  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!     
31. Pittsburgh Steelers: Benjamin Ijalana, G/OT Villanova (6'4 313lbs)- The Steelers are consistently good because they draft the best player available, regardless of position.  It wouldn't surprise the Football Ranter for Ijalana to go five picks earlier than this and the Steelers still need help along the O-Line.  Benjamin Ijalana was a guard, but many teams believe that with his size he could play right tackle.  He could easily be the pick if he's still here and no better prospect falls this far (MIKE POUNCEY, COUGH).  The Steelers could use a WR to apprentice under the good but declining Hines Ward as well, so if they go that direction Torrey Smith is an option here.  Either way, Big Ben approves of this pick. 
32. Green Bay Packers: Jabaal Sheard, DE/ROLB Pitt (6'3 264lbs)- It really doesn't matter who the Reigning Champs pick so long as Aaron Rodgers continues to cut up defenses like an emo 14 year old cuts himself.  The one thing they do need though is an outside linebacker where Frank Zombo started last year (Who the FUCK is Frank Zombo, you ask?  Exactly.).  RB is an option as well, since Ryan Grant is coming off a huge injury and James Starks had his moments, but is unproven.  This is higher than most mocks have Sheard, but he has first round talent and has fallen due to character concerns.  At this stage he's a good blend of need and value with acceptable risk.

That's this update on the Football Ranters' Mock draft.  Check back for final updates late in the day.  Until next time, Lunatics.