“[Tim] Tebow played as ineptly as any sorry excuse for a pro quarterback possibly could. He was laughably bad. Those five wonderful minutes against Miami now look like an aberration. Right here, right now, he is the worst quarterback in the NFL.”
-Mark Kiszla, Columnist at the Denver Post
Bahaha! Has anyone in the history of mankind ever been betrayed more quickly by those close to them? Actually, one person does come to mind. Ooh...awkward...
But really, can we have people back off the ledge just a fucking bit one way or the other? I mean, I've been hating on Tebow since even before he was drafted. For me, this kind of statement would be both expected and normal. But for a beat writer who probably spent last week polishing the head of Tebow's dick with his mouth, this just feels wrong. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this is basically Tebow's rookie year. Give him the full season and then make your evaluation of him. Do I believe at that point it will be fair to say he's the worst QB in the NFL? Probably. But if you're a Denver fan and especially if you're a Denver beat writer, Tebowmania deserves the rest of the year, no? It's not like this team was headed to the playoffs this year anyway. So step off the ledge, Mark Kiszla -- we're just not there yet.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Week 8 Picks
Welcome back, Lunatics. Check out the Football Ranter's Week 8 NFL picks including the degenerate gambler angle.
Fun starts after the jump.
Fun starts after the jump.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
"Reports released [regarding Terrell Owens' suicide attempt] with the 911 call (Thursday) are misleading and not factual."
-Diana Bianchini, T.O.'s publicist
T.O. is 37 years old, spent last year catching dying ducks from Carson Palmer on a 4-12 Bengals team, then blew out his ACL doing...well nothing. Then he rehabs and holds a workout only to have zero NFL teams attend, even though he caught 72 balls for 983 yards and 9 TDs last year. So I guess my only question here is...why not just go through with it? I mean, it can't really get much worse for T.O. given how things are going. Maybe just take a long walk off a short pier and see where things go? I dunno, just food for thought.
PS- OK I admit, that was harsh even for me. Suicide is no laughing matter.
PPS- Unless it's this.
-Diana Bianchini, T.O.'s publicist
T.O. is 37 years old, spent last year catching dying ducks from Carson Palmer on a 4-12 Bengals team, then blew out his ACL doing...well nothing. Then he rehabs and holds a workout only to have zero NFL teams attend, even though he caught 72 balls for 983 yards and 9 TDs last year. So I guess my only question here is...why not just go through with it? I mean, it can't really get much worse for T.O. given how things are going. Maybe just take a long walk off a short pier and see where things go? I dunno, just food for thought.
PS- OK I admit, that was harsh even for me. Suicide is no laughing matter.
PPS- Unless it's this.
Power Rankings: Week 7
Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Here is the post-week 7 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
"We have a stable of young horses that can run and guys that can just move. Very young, very inexperienced but tons of potential and it's tough to give up a young guy with a lot of potential for a guy that's got a lot of history in the league that's in his late 30s so I can't see him coming here, but I had a good time playing with him and he's an explosive player himself."
-Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders quarterback
BAHAHA! Very nicely done, Carson. It's obvious those years of public relations training have paid off, because this is one of the best understated rips of all time. Lets translate this gem line by line, shall we?
"We have a stable of young horses that can run and guys that can just move."
Translation: We have a bunch of track stars that couldn't catch a cold if they were trying.
"Very young, very inexperienced but tons of potential"
Translation: They make stupid mistakes that make their quarterback want to kill them, but he can't because he's too slow to catch them.
"It's tough to give up a young guy with a lot of potential for a guy that's got a lot of history in the league that's in his late 30's"
Translation: I like dudes. But I prefer younger dudes that haven't gotten around as much to dudes that probably have herpes because they're the NFL's village bicycle. (Side note: why Carson suddenly slipped into a diatribe about his personal life, I don't know. But if you doubt in any way that this is what he was really talking about, I direct your attention to Exhibit A.) (Editor's note: not that there's anything wrong with that.)
"so I can't see him coming here"
Translation: Please, Raiders executives, do not trade for this man. If you do, it's definitive proof for me that there is no god.
"But I had a good time playing with him and he's an explosive player himself."
Translation: But I had a good time playing with him and he exploded all over my sheets.
I'm just not sure this was really what the reporters were looking for when they went down this line of questioning. But hey, to each their own. Far be it from me to criticize someone else for getting their freak on, even if it's with T.O. I confine my criticism of Carson Palmer to his train-wreck decision making and noodle-arm.
-Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders quarterback
BAHAHA! Very nicely done, Carson. It's obvious those years of public relations training have paid off, because this is one of the best understated rips of all time. Lets translate this gem line by line, shall we?
"We have a stable of young horses that can run and guys that can just move."
Translation: We have a bunch of track stars that couldn't catch a cold if they were trying.
"Very young, very inexperienced but tons of potential"
Translation: They make stupid mistakes that make their quarterback want to kill them, but he can't because he's too slow to catch them.
"It's tough to give up a young guy with a lot of potential for a guy that's got a lot of history in the league that's in his late 30's"
Translation: I like dudes. But I prefer younger dudes that haven't gotten around as much to dudes that probably have herpes because they're the NFL's village bicycle. (Side note: why Carson suddenly slipped into a diatribe about his personal life, I don't know. But if you doubt in any way that this is what he was really talking about, I direct your attention to Exhibit A.) (Editor's note: not that there's anything wrong with that.)
"so I can't see him coming here"
Translation: Please, Raiders executives, do not trade for this man. If you do, it's definitive proof for me that there is no god.
"But I had a good time playing with him and he's an explosive player himself."
Translation: But I had a good time playing with him and he exploded all over my sheets.
I'm just not sure this was really what the reporters were looking for when they went down this line of questioning. But hey, to each their own. Far be it from me to criticize someone else for getting their freak on, even if it's with T.O. I confine my criticism of Carson Palmer to his train-wreck decision making and noodle-arm.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
“I can’t even fathom those thoughts of those people that conjure up that ["Suck for Luck"] stuff. They have never played sports and pretty much aren’t really our loyal fans. I can’t really put any weight into that and I know the players don’t listen to it. It’s a shame, but people are going to talk and we just have to block that out.”
-Anthony Fasano, Miami Dolphins Tight End
The stupidity inherent in this statement is of such a serious nature that I refuse to include a joke here. I'm going to very clear: Anthony Fasano is an idiot. If he believes rooting for your quarterback-less team to suck so that they can secure a once-a-decade QB prospect is foolish, he's not paying attention to how teams win in the NFL. Think Colts fans were wrong to root for losses in 1997? How about the Giants, Steelers, or Chargers in 2003? Or even the Falcons in 2007? Hey Anthony: wake the fuck up. Having a miserable season at just the right time can come to define a franchise.
And what would you have those same fans do here? Keep paying their hard earned cash to watch a piece of shit product on the field, root for wins, and then only have it be to their long term detriment when the team goes 5-11 instead of 3-13? Missing the playoffs is missing the playoffs, Anthony. Once your team isn't in the big dance, not only is there nothing wrong with rooting for losses, it's entirely logical and appropriate to do so. Real fans want to see sustained success for their franchise. Since you've never been on a team that enjoyed that, I know you have no idea what that means. Someday, many years after you retire, I hope you'll figure that out. In the meantime, just go back to doing what you do on the field -- nothing.
-Anthony Fasano, Miami Dolphins Tight End
The stupidity inherent in this statement is of such a serious nature that I refuse to include a joke here. I'm going to very clear: Anthony Fasano is an idiot. If he believes rooting for your quarterback-less team to suck so that they can secure a once-a-decade QB prospect is foolish, he's not paying attention to how teams win in the NFL. Think Colts fans were wrong to root for losses in 1997? How about the Giants, Steelers, or Chargers in 2003? Or even the Falcons in 2007? Hey Anthony: wake the fuck up. Having a miserable season at just the right time can come to define a franchise.
And what would you have those same fans do here? Keep paying their hard earned cash to watch a piece of shit product on the field, root for wins, and then only have it be to their long term detriment when the team goes 5-11 instead of 3-13? Missing the playoffs is missing the playoffs, Anthony. Once your team isn't in the big dance, not only is there nothing wrong with rooting for losses, it's entirely logical and appropriate to do so. Real fans want to see sustained success for their franchise. Since you've never been on a team that enjoyed that, I know you have no idea what that means. Someday, many years after you retire, I hope you'll figure that out. In the meantime, just go back to doing what you do on the field -- nothing.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!
Check it out- a flat out mugging (and possible rape) of Dustin Keller by Donald Butler.
HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote of the Day
“It baffles me that Ray Rice only had seven carries. This is a Pro Bowl running back we’re talking about. You’ve got to feed the horse. They fed their horse. We got to feed our horse. He’s a good guy. He wants the ball. I think we should feed him. Ray Rice is a phenomenal player. You’ve got to use your phenomenal players.”
-Terrell Suggs, Baltimore Ravens ROLB
"Feed the horse" is officially my new favorite euphemism for running the football. Better than "pound the rock". Love it. Unfortunately, he's dead wrong here. Ray Rice had eight carries, not seven. Totally changes his entire analysis and ruins his wonderful horse analogy. The difference between seven and eight carries is like the difference between "just the tip" and "whoops, forgot to pull out." So close, Terrell. So close.
Haha, just kidding -- Terrell Suggs has never been more right about anything in his entire life. How on god's green fucking earth do you only hand Ray Rice the ball eight times in a non-blow out? Who's calling the plays for the Ravens? Mr. Magoo? Oh, wait. It actually kind of is Mr. Magoo. But seriously, Joe Flacco is garbage. He can't get out of his own way to save his life, and Cam "Mr. Magoo" Cameron, a supposed offensive guru, has him throw 38 times for 3.6 yards per attempt. Meanwhile Ray Rice gets the ball eight times. Cam's title is 50% right: his play calling was offensive (see what I did there? Eh?). But frankly, I'm not sure you can hang on to the "guru" title when a brain damaged turkey being fed nothing but four loko intravenously would hand the ball to Ray Rice more than 8 times.
And no, I'm not bitter about saying the Ravens would dominate another bad team. Go fuck yourself, Mr. Magoo.
-Terrell Suggs, Baltimore Ravens ROLB
"Feed the horse" is officially my new favorite euphemism for running the football. Better than "pound the rock". Love it. Unfortunately, he's dead wrong here. Ray Rice had eight carries, not seven. Totally changes his entire analysis and ruins his wonderful horse analogy. The difference between seven and eight carries is like the difference between "just the tip" and "whoops, forgot to pull out." So close, Terrell. So close.
Haha, just kidding -- Terrell Suggs has never been more right about anything in his entire life. How on god's green fucking earth do you only hand Ray Rice the ball eight times in a non-blow out? Who's calling the plays for the Ravens? Mr. Magoo? Oh, wait. It actually kind of is Mr. Magoo. But seriously, Joe Flacco is garbage. He can't get out of his own way to save his life, and Cam "Mr. Magoo" Cameron, a supposed offensive guru, has him throw 38 times for 3.6 yards per attempt. Meanwhile Ray Rice gets the ball eight times. Cam's title is 50% right: his play calling was offensive (see what I did there? Eh?). But frankly, I'm not sure you can hang on to the "guru" title when a brain damaged turkey being fed nothing but four loko intravenously would hand the ball to Ray Rice more than 8 times.
And no, I'm not bitter about saying the Ravens would dominate another bad team. Go fuck yourself, Mr. Magoo.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
"Mark Sanchez, under the pressure of the San Diego defense, will be benched [in week 7]."
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Week 7 Picks
Good morning, Lunatics. Apologies for the late posting of the picks, it's been a rough work week for the Ranter. Damn the man/the establishment/running a business, and all that. Anyway, go fuck yourselves. Oh, and here are the Football Ranter's week 7 NFL picks, including the degenerate gambler angle.
Fun starts after the jump.
Fun starts after the jump.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
"I think in part because the league doesn't want certain games to be played without certain quarterbacks. No offense to the other [New England] Patriots, but who's gong to watch the Patriots without Tom Brady and the Saints without Drew Brees. That's the way it is. They want to protect those guys because they are the marquee guys of this league, and you don't want them to get hurt."
-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers marquee quarterback
I don't know what's more patently absurd, that Big Ben here thinks he's not in that protected group of "marquee QBs," or that he doesn't realize the Pats went 11-5 the year Tom Brady played one quarter of football. Newsflash Big Rapist: the league doesn't hand out a memo on which "marquee QBs" are to be protected and which are left to rot. The officials make mistakes just like any human being does. Granted, these "mistakes" are often based upon personal, racial, or gambling based prejudices. Or in the case of the officials not calling penalties for hitting Mike Vick, all of the above.
Either way, Ben Roethlisberger is fat and he probably raped a chick and initiated a cover up of the whole thing, then got married just months later. These are facts.
-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers marquee quarterback
I don't know what's more patently absurd, that Big Ben here thinks he's not in that protected group of "marquee QBs," or that he doesn't realize the Pats went 11-5 the year Tom Brady played one quarter of football. Newsflash Big Rapist: the league doesn't hand out a memo on which "marquee QBs" are to be protected and which are left to rot. The officials make mistakes just like any human being does. Granted, these "mistakes" are often based upon personal, racial, or gambling based prejudices. Or in the case of the officials not calling penalties for hitting Mike Vick, all of the above.
Either way, Ben Roethlisberger is fat and he probably raped a chick and initiated a cover up of the whole thing, then got married just months later. These are facts.
Power Rankings: Week 6
Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Apologies for the late post, I got stuck at work until late the last few days. We finally have the post-week 6 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Quote of the Day: Thursday Double!
“Well, I think I would have had a couple rings [if I had coached the 2007-2010 San Diego Chargers]. I’m telling you, those teams were loaded.”
-Rex Ryan, New York Jets Head Coach
“I hadn’t seen his quote and I was a little bit surprised by the call, and then after I saw the quote, I didn’t have a chance to ask him this, but I was wondering if he had those rings with the ones he’s guaranteed the last couple of years.”
-Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers Head Coach
So to be fair, Rex also said a lot of positive, complimentary, back-track type things about Norv Turner immediately after giving that nice little sound byte. But where's the fun in worrying about that, right? I don't really get this spat between Rex and Norv. How much dick Norv Turner sucks as a head coach is well documented, and while Rex has done a much better job with a lot less talent, he's got the same number of rings as Norv: zero.
Quite frankly, I'm totally fucking done with both of these jerkoffs. Rex, just shut up until you win a Superbowl, then say anything you want. Hell once you've got a ring, you can foot-fuck your wife on national TV for all I care, just shut up until then. And Norv, you are terrible. You probably should have won at least one Superbowl by now. You had the #1 offense and #1 defense in the NFL last year and failed to make the playoffs. That's a choke-job that didn't get nearly enough national attention. So just do us all a favor and go play in traffic so the Chargers can hire someone competent. Just get Beavis and Butthead here out of my life.
-Rex Ryan, New York Jets Head Coach
“I hadn’t seen his quote and I was a little bit surprised by the call, and then after I saw the quote, I didn’t have a chance to ask him this, but I was wondering if he had those rings with the ones he’s guaranteed the last couple of years.”
-Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers Head Coach
So to be fair, Rex also said a lot of positive, complimentary, back-track type things about Norv Turner immediately after giving that nice little sound byte. But where's the fun in worrying about that, right? I don't really get this spat between Rex and Norv. How much dick Norv Turner sucks as a head coach is well documented, and while Rex has done a much better job with a lot less talent, he's got the same number of rings as Norv: zero.
Quite frankly, I'm totally fucking done with both of these jerkoffs. Rex, just shut up until you win a Superbowl, then say anything you want. Hell once you've got a ring, you can foot-fuck your wife on national TV for all I care, just shut up until then. And Norv, you are terrible. You probably should have won at least one Superbowl by now. You had the #1 offense and #1 defense in the NFL last year and failed to make the playoffs. That's a choke-job that didn't get nearly enough national attention. So just do us all a favor and go play in traffic so the Chargers can hire someone competent. Just get Beavis and Butthead here out of my life.
HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!
Good Morning, Lunatics! A loyal reader pointed out that I neglected to post the HOUSE! video from this week, so here it is:
HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!
HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
"As far as the draft picks, what we have to give up, I never hesitated because I know exactly what I'm getting. I don't think you're ever mortgaging the future when you put a big-time franchise quarterback on your team. [It's] the greatest trade in football."
-Hue Jackson, Oakland Raiders Head Coach
As you may know,Al Davis the Oakland Raiders traded a 2012 first round pick, and a conditional 2013 second round pick (which becomes a 1st rounder if the Raiders win the AFC Championship game) for the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer. This does nothing to quell my doubts that Al Davis never really died, but instead remains in some sort of suspended animation in the dungeon-basement of the Oakland Colosseum where he continues to give orders to executives by blinking a particular number of times for "yes" and "no" while being fed virgin blood intravenously.
Just to be clear, there was a time that Carson Palmer was an elite NFL quarterback. Unfortunately, that time passed when Pittsburgh Steelers DE Kimo Von Oelhoffen debacled Palmer's knee in the 2005 NFL playoffs. Palmer was never the same again after that, so giving up multiple first rounders (or a 1st and a 2nd at best) for a man that is no longer a viable starting quarterback in the NFL has no foundation in logic. The Raiders have given away almost their entire 2012 NFL draft, and they are NOT close to winning the Superbowl. Their defense sucks and they now have a soon-to-be 32 year old QB who doesn't know the system and hasn't played football in 12 months. I'd say this move reeks of desperation, but it's worse than that -- it just stinks like mildew-laden shit. So uhh...congrats on giving away the future, Oakland. This is one of the most inexplicably short sighted moves I've ever had the privilege of commenting on.
-Hue Jackson, Oakland Raiders Head Coach
As you may know,
Just to be clear, there was a time that Carson Palmer was an elite NFL quarterback. Unfortunately, that time passed when Pittsburgh Steelers DE Kimo Von Oelhoffen debacled Palmer's knee in the 2005 NFL playoffs. Palmer was never the same again after that, so giving up multiple first rounders (or a 1st and a 2nd at best) for a man that is no longer a viable starting quarterback in the NFL has no foundation in logic. The Raiders have given away almost their entire 2012 NFL draft, and they are NOT close to winning the Superbowl. Their defense sucks and they now have a soon-to-be 32 year old QB who doesn't know the system and hasn't played football in 12 months. I'd say this move reeks of desperation, but it's worse than that -- it just stinks like mildew-laden shit. So uhh...congrats on giving away the future, Oakland. This is one of the most inexplicably short sighted moves I've ever had the privilege of commenting on.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Radio Show
Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio tonight at 11pm!
http://tobtr.com/s/2451141
Call in, Lunatics!
http://tobtr.com/s/2451141
Call in, Lunatics!
Quote of the Day
“On Detroit-SF coach incident, fortunately, there was no fighting and thus no basis for a fine. However, both coaches told Ray Anderson today that their post-game conduct was wrong and will not happen again.”
-Greg Aiello, NFL Spokesman
I know I'm absolutely the first one to rip people who always inject racist/sexist/communist undertones into every situation, but for once I'm jumping on that train. Sort of. If two players had started a shoving match during the end of game hand shake, Roger Goodell would have slapped them so hard with the long dick of NFL discipline that they'd have to ice the mushroom tattoos on their cheeks. But since it's two coaches (insert two white, male head coaches if prefer), they get a warning? I just puked in my office trashcan from how hypocritical this is. The players should be absolutely outraged. Both coaches told the league it was wrong and won't happen again huh? Well isn't that fucking bonkers for them then. I wonder if Roethlisberger, Vick or Plaxico had tried that same line- how would that have worked out? Oh wait, I'm sure they did and they missed a combined 4 years of football. Granted, what they did was far worse, but if you're going to hand out discipline, do it fairly -- not like a giant douchebag.
-Greg Aiello, NFL Spokesman
I know I'm absolutely the first one to rip people who always inject racist/sexist/communist undertones into every situation, but for once I'm jumping on that train. Sort of. If two players had started a shoving match during the end of game hand shake, Roger Goodell would have slapped them so hard with the long dick of NFL discipline that they'd have to ice the mushroom tattoos on their cheeks. But since it's two coaches (insert two white, male head coaches if prefer), they get a warning? I just puked in my office trashcan from how hypocritical this is. The players should be absolutely outraged. Both coaches told the league it was wrong and won't happen again huh? Well isn't that fucking bonkers for them then. I wonder if Roethlisberger, Vick or Plaxico had tried that same line- how would that have worked out? Oh wait, I'm sure they did and they missed a combined 4 years of football. Granted, what they did was far worse, but if you're going to hand out discipline, do it fairly -- not like a giant douchebag.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
“This game was decided right down there at the end, and I am so proud of these players, the way they competed tonight. We rolled the dice at the end and went conservative rather than try to get some points and it bit us.”
-Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys Owner
Poor Jason Garrett. The fans/media/apparently Jerry Jones just have a raging boner for shitting all over him. The guy just can't win no matter what he does. Last week against the Lions he gets ripped for not running the ball in the second half. This week he runs the ball to get the Pats to burn their timeouts and he gets ripped for not letting his guaranteed-to-choke QB sling the ball around. Here's a message to the people saying the Cowboys should have thrown the ball on 3rd and 18 last night: get your head examined. The odds of converting on that play are minimal, and the odds the pass goes incomplete or gets picked are much, much better. If that happened, all anyone would be saying is how Garrett was an idiot for not running the ball and trusting his defense. If you're a Cowboys fan, blame the offense for only putting up 16 points against a bad defense. It wasn't about what happened on that last drive, it was the sleepwalking, sloppy knob-job the Dallas offense pulled throughout the rest of the game.
Oh, and not to let the Patriots off the hook, but Dallas plays like liquid monkey shit and you can't even cover the fucking spread? Are you joking? What did Brady bet on the game? Sweet fancy fucking moses. Brady you're on my shit list this week.
-Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys Owner
Poor Jason Garrett. The fans/media/apparently Jerry Jones just have a raging boner for shitting all over him. The guy just can't win no matter what he does. Last week against the Lions he gets ripped for not running the ball in the second half. This week he runs the ball to get the Pats to burn their timeouts and he gets ripped for not letting his guaranteed-to-choke QB sling the ball around. Here's a message to the people saying the Cowboys should have thrown the ball on 3rd and 18 last night: get your head examined. The odds of converting on that play are minimal, and the odds the pass goes incomplete or gets picked are much, much better. If that happened, all anyone would be saying is how Garrett was an idiot for not running the ball and trusting his defense. If you're a Cowboys fan, blame the offense for only putting up 16 points against a bad defense. It wasn't about what happened on that last drive, it was the sleepwalking, sloppy knob-job the Dallas offense pulled throughout the rest of the game.
Oh, and not to let the Patriots off the hook, but Dallas plays like liquid monkey shit and you can't even cover the fucking spread? Are you joking? What did Brady bet on the game? Sweet fancy fucking moses. Brady you're on my shit list this week.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Week 6 Picks
Happy Saturday, Lunatics. Check out the Football Ranter's week 6 picks below, including the degenerate gambler angle.
Fun starts after the jump.
Fun starts after the jump.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
“I may be criticized again for saying it, but it starts up front. The big guys know it. If they give Mark [Sanchez] enough time to sit in the pocket and complete passes, I think everything changes.”
-Santonio Holmes, New York Jets Wide Receiver
You know it's funny, I don't recall Santonio complaining about the Jets o-line last year. Someone should probably inform him of the fact that Mark Sanchez' numbers this year are actually slightly better than his career averages. Hey, Santonio, Mark Sanchez isn't the issue (well, he is, but the Jets have won despite his playing like shit for more or less his entire career so far). The issue is that the Jets can't run the football to help make up for mistakes that Sanchez is making in the passing game. Also, it would help if your buddy Plaxico didn't drop like 1000 balls during the game. That's not helping your QB out at all either.
So I guess my overall thesis here is, shut up bitch!
-Santonio Holmes, New York Jets Wide Receiver
You know it's funny, I don't recall Santonio complaining about the Jets o-line last year. Someone should probably inform him of the fact that Mark Sanchez' numbers this year are actually slightly better than his career averages. Hey, Santonio, Mark Sanchez isn't the issue (well, he is, but the Jets have won despite his playing like shit for more or less his entire career so far). The issue is that the Jets can't run the football to help make up for mistakes that Sanchez is making in the passing game. Also, it would help if your buddy Plaxico didn't drop like 1000 balls during the game. That's not helping your QB out at all either.
So I guess my overall thesis here is, shut up bitch!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Power Rankings: Week 5
Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Today we have the post-week 5 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Quote of the Day
"I think in my time in Miami I went through four or five quarterbacks and didn’t play as much. Being here, with Tom [Brady], in this offense, I am not going to sit here and say I’d have the same numbers. No way.”
-Wes Welker, New England Patriots Wide Receiver
During his new daily media segment "Breaking News," Welker went on to say that the sky is blue, women don't get paid the same amount as men for the same work, and Ray Lewis killed a guy. Tomorrow's segment, "Clouds: they make it not sunny" will air at 10am.
PS- If Ray Lewis is reading this, sweet baby jesus please don't hurt me.
-Wes Welker, New England Patriots Wide Receiver
During his new daily media segment "Breaking News," Welker went on to say that the sky is blue, women don't get paid the same amount as men for the same work, and Ray Lewis killed a guy. Tomorrow's segment, "Clouds: they make it not sunny" will air at 10am.
PS- If Ray Lewis is reading this, sweet baby jesus please don't hurt me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
“Tebow has proved to a lot of people that he’s a premier competitor, he’s a great game day clutch, hard-nosed football player.
-Jon Gruden
Wow, isn't that nice for Tim Tebow? He can run home and put that right up on the fridge for his parents to see after school. This is the type of mainstream media analysis that makes me want to puke in my office trashcan. Great game day clutch competitor? That's special. Guess what? Don't give a shit. The NFL is all about winning and if you don't perform and win then you're nothing. I don't care if Tim Tebow helps orphans, then beats up Chuck Norris before giving an inspiring speech to his teammates, who are so moved that they offer up their wives who Tim Tebow won't fuck. Tim Tebow has racked up a whopping (SARCASM) 92 pass attempts in his professional career. And you know what? He's actually been pretty good: 6TDs, 3 picks, 84.2 QB rating, 8.0 yards per attempt. That also doesn't include his 6 rushing TDs in that span.
So Jon Gruden can go off into the woodshed with Matt Millen and discuss how manly Tim Tebow is, compare chest-manes and then blow each other for all I care. The numbers are what counts and what should be highlighted about Tim Tebow so far -- not this drivel about how "great a competitor" he is.
-Jon Gruden
Wow, isn't that nice for Tim Tebow? He can run home and put that right up on the fridge for his parents to see after school. This is the type of mainstream media analysis that makes me want to puke in my office trashcan. Great game day clutch competitor? That's special. Guess what? Don't give a shit. The NFL is all about winning and if you don't perform and win then you're nothing. I don't care if Tim Tebow helps orphans, then beats up Chuck Norris before giving an inspiring speech to his teammates, who are so moved that they offer up their wives who Tim Tebow won't fuck. Tim Tebow has racked up a whopping (SARCASM) 92 pass attempts in his professional career. And you know what? He's actually been pretty good: 6TDs, 3 picks, 84.2 QB rating, 8.0 yards per attempt. That also doesn't include his 6 rushing TDs in that span.
So Jon Gruden can go off into the woodshed with Matt Millen and discuss how manly Tim Tebow is, compare chest-manes and then blow each other for all I care. The numbers are what counts and what should be highlighted about Tim Tebow so far -- not this drivel about how "great a competitor" he is.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Radio Show
Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio at 11pm tonight!
http://tobtr.com/s/2426105
Call in, Lunatics.
http://tobtr.com/s/2426105
Call in, Lunatics.
Quote of the Day
“Defensively, we stink. We can’t stop the run, we can’t stop the pass, the quarterback took a snap, he handed it to the guy, and he ran 88 yards without being touched. That’s what I saw. I don’t know why it happened, but that’s what I saw.”
-Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears Linebacker
I give Urlacher's rant a 3.5 out of 10. He completely forgot to discuss how bad they are on offense, and he didn't mention Jay Cutler being a pussy. Really, special teams is the only phase of the game in which this team excels. The Russian judge is shaking his head and holding up a 2.0. Pretty sure the French judge fell asleep with his dick in a baguette. We'll call that a 1.5. Pretty much a fair referendum on how this entire Bears season has been so far: sleep-inducing and supremely disappointing for the fans. The only positive you can really take away is that Jay Cutler hasn't succumbed to diabeetus yet. Plus Detroit is actually good now, so if mass-suicide becomes trendy in the windy city this year, don't be surprised. Just kidding, suicide isn't funny.
PS- But seriously -- consider jumping in front of a bus, Bears fans.
-Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears Linebacker
I give Urlacher's rant a 3.5 out of 10. He completely forgot to discuss how bad they are on offense, and he didn't mention Jay Cutler being a pussy. Really, special teams is the only phase of the game in which this team excels. The Russian judge is shaking his head and holding up a 2.0. Pretty sure the French judge fell asleep with his dick in a baguette. We'll call that a 1.5. Pretty much a fair referendum on how this entire Bears season has been so far: sleep-inducing and supremely disappointing for the fans. The only positive you can really take away is that Jay Cutler hasn't succumbed to diabeetus yet. Plus Detroit is actually good now, so if mass-suicide becomes trendy in the windy city this year, don't be surprised. Just kidding, suicide isn't funny.
PS- But seriously -- consider jumping in front of a bus, Bears fans.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
"The Oakland Raiders are deeply saddened by the passing of Al Davis. Al Davis was unique, a maverick, a giant among giants, a true legend among legends, the brightest star among stars, a hero, a mentor, a friend."
-Oakland Raiders Official Statement
I have a confession, Lunatics. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but...I was actually unaware that Al Davis was still alive to this point. I had seen this photo and assumed he was dead when it was taken. Plus the drafting of Jamarcus Russell and Darius Heyward-Bey, plus that Richard Seymour trade...I don't know. I guess I just kinda assumed no living human would do all of those things. So uhh...that one's on the Football Ranter. Hey- you win some, you lose some. I'll take the loss on that one in Al's honor.
OK, now that we got the insensitive joke portion of the Rant out of the way, let's be serious. Yes, in recent years Al Davis had morphed into a demented version of Mr. Burns, but I would be remiss in not mentioning what he did for the game of football during his (very) long career. He used the game to advance civil rights at a time when doing so wasn't the popular move -- he refused to have the team play a game in segregationist Mobile, Alabama in 1963. He was the first person to hire an African American head coach, a Latino head coach, and promote a woman to Chief executive. Whatever happened in his later years, he was clearly a man who did what he felt was right and what was best for the game and the Raiders. An icon (and a quote machine) is now lost to us. For that, Al Davis, the Football Ranter salutes you.
-Oakland Raiders Official Statement
I have a confession, Lunatics. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but...I was actually unaware that Al Davis was still alive to this point. I had seen this photo and assumed he was dead when it was taken. Plus the drafting of Jamarcus Russell and Darius Heyward-Bey, plus that Richard Seymour trade...I don't know. I guess I just kinda assumed no living human would do all of those things. So uhh...that one's on the Football Ranter. Hey- you win some, you lose some. I'll take the loss on that one in Al's honor.
OK, now that we got the insensitive joke portion of the Rant out of the way, let's be serious. Yes, in recent years Al Davis had morphed into a demented version of Mr. Burns, but I would be remiss in not mentioning what he did for the game of football during his (very) long career. He used the game to advance civil rights at a time when doing so wasn't the popular move -- he refused to have the team play a game in segregationist Mobile, Alabama in 1963. He was the first person to hire an African American head coach, a Latino head coach, and promote a woman to Chief executive. Whatever happened in his later years, he was clearly a man who did what he felt was right and what was best for the game and the Raiders. An icon (and a quote machine) is now lost to us. For that, Al Davis, the Football Ranter salutes you.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Week 5 Picks
Good morning, Lunatics. Check out the Football Ranter game picks for week 5 including the degenerate gambler angles. All lines are accurate as of this morning.
Fun starts after the jump.
Fun starts after the jump.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Quote of the Day
"While I feel an honest respect for all NFL players, I show no remorse in cheering against another team, especially the Cowboys. If it sounded like I was delighted by Tony Romo's failure last week, I was."
-Chris Cooley, Washington Redskins Tight End
HATE HATE HATE HATE! Nothing like a bitch fight between a suck-ass who's losing his job to Fred Davis and a choke artist who can't win when it matters most. The only problem is, it's not really a fight. Cooley is just shitting all over Tony Sucko while the latter sits there and says, "okay then." It almost removes the fun of it....almost. But seriously, Chris Cooley may want to focus more on his on-field play, because Fred Davis is rapidly emerging as a non-scrub while Cooley is becoming someone who's more famous for what he does off the field than on it. Cooley has seven receptions for 66 yards and no TDs this year. Not exactly inspired play from a guy talking this much shit. But then again, according to certified Hateologist Ice-T, "that's what real hatin' is all about."
-Chris Cooley, Washington Redskins Tight End
HATE HATE HATE HATE! Nothing like a bitch fight between a suck-ass who's losing his job to Fred Davis and a choke artist who can't win when it matters most. The only problem is, it's not really a fight. Cooley is just shitting all over Tony Sucko while the latter sits there and says, "okay then." It almost removes the fun of it....almost. But seriously, Chris Cooley may want to focus more on his on-field play, because Fred Davis is rapidly emerging as a non-scrub while Cooley is becoming someone who's more famous for what he does off the field than on it. Cooley has seven receptions for 66 yards and no TDs this year. Not exactly inspired play from a guy talking this much shit. But then again, according to certified Hateologist Ice-T, "that's what real hatin' is all about."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Quote of the Day
"I think the 'Dream Team' -- that word is dead now....We're one of the teams that has to scratch and kick from the bottom now and try to figure out how we're going to get ourselves back to a position where we can compete with the best teams in this league."
-Mike Vick, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback
Well that was quick! Backing off the Dream Team label just four games in? I mean yea, the team is 1-3 and they just blew the Niners at home and swallowed a huge mouthful of defeat, but still. When you open the year billing yourselves as the greatest team to ever step on the field, you have to hold on to that swagger like Gollum held onto the Ring, or like Al Davis grips control of the Raiders.
So don't back down, Mike. Tell everyone you're losing on purpose to give the rest of the league hope and that the team is going 12-0 from here on out. Basically the Eagles are pulling a junk-punch on the rest of league.
-Mike Vick, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback
Well that was quick! Backing off the Dream Team label just four games in? I mean yea, the team is 1-3 and they just blew the Niners at home and swallowed a huge mouthful of defeat, but still. When you open the year billing yourselves as the greatest team to ever step on the field, you have to hold on to that swagger like Gollum held onto the Ring, or like Al Davis grips control of the Raiders.
So don't back down, Mike. Tell everyone you're losing on purpose to give the rest of the league hope and that the team is going 12-0 from here on out. Basically the Eagles are pulling a junk-punch on the rest of league.
Power Rankings: Week 4
Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Today we have the post-week 4 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Quote of the Day
“The fun will be in February when you guys are interviewing us up in Indy [at the Superbowl]. That’ll be fun. Very bold prediction. But I'm gonna stand by it.”
-Tim Hightower, Washington Redskins running back
Bold indeed from a guy who's a) hurt, b) averaging 3.5 yards per carry, and c) rapidly losing his job to Ryan Torain and/or Roy Helu. But hey, can you blame him? Four games in and 3-1, this is probably the closest the Redskins will be to the Superbowl all year. Despite the fact that this team started off the year well, they're not exactly lighting the world on fire with the strength of their wins. They've beaten the Cardinals by 1 at home, the Giants at home, and the Rams (possibly the worst team in the NFL) on the road. They lost to Dallas, probably the best team they've played. Nothing about that screams "impressive" -- they beat a bunch of asshat teams mostly at home.
Mark my words, Lunatics, the 'Skins will come crashing back to earth when they have to go on the road and/or play tougher teams. They may win 8 games this year because of a relatively easy schedule, but this team isn't going to the playoffs -- much less Indy.
-Tim Hightower, Washington Redskins running back
Bold indeed from a guy who's a) hurt, b) averaging 3.5 yards per carry, and c) rapidly losing his job to Ryan Torain and/or Roy Helu. But hey, can you blame him? Four games in and 3-1, this is probably the closest the Redskins will be to the Superbowl all year. Despite the fact that this team started off the year well, they're not exactly lighting the world on fire with the strength of their wins. They've beaten the Cardinals by 1 at home, the Giants at home, and the Rams (possibly the worst team in the NFL) on the road. They lost to Dallas, probably the best team they've played. Nothing about that screams "impressive" -- they beat a bunch of asshat teams mostly at home.
Mark my words, Lunatics, the 'Skins will come crashing back to earth when they have to go on the road and/or play tougher teams. They may win 8 games this year because of a relatively easy schedule, but this team isn't going to the playoffs -- much less Indy.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Quote of the Day
“I’m not sure what’s going on there [with the New York Jets]. We picked some poor players and we’re not owning up to it. That’s what it amounts to. You’ve got guys on the roster who have been picked and you keep trying to say, ‘OK, they’re going to work out.’ Well, guess what? We tried that with [Vernon] Gholston and it didn’t work out. You have to [say], ‘Hey, I made a bad pick, a bad selection,’ and move on. The Jets didn’t do that and it’s a little late for the season to get it righted.”
-Joe Namath, former New York Jets' quarterback
Rather than give you some witty critique or shamelessly rip what Broadway Joe said, check out this video clip of Joe making his comments. Tells you everything you need to know.
-Joe Namath, former New York Jets' quarterback
Rather than give you some witty critique or shamelessly rip what Broadway Joe said, check out this video clip of Joe making his comments. Tells you everything you need to know.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Radio Show
Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio! Tuesday night at 11pm!
http://tobtr.com/s/2395383
Call in, Lunatics!
http://tobtr.com/s/2395383
Call in, Lunatics!
Quote of the Day: Monday Double Feature!
“Calvin Johnson, he’s very, very good at Madden and Tecmo Bowl or whatever they’re playing now. But on film, when I watch film, and I break down the film, he’s not to the point of these guys yet.”
-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 8/12/2011
“Right now, Calvin Johnson — there’s a king in every crowd, and he’s the king of the National Football League as far as wide receivers.
-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 10/3/2011
I'm not a scientist, but at this point, I have to believe Cris Carter doesn't know shit about watching film. He kept saying Megatron didn't look good on film. Maybe he doesn't know what that means? The fact is that Megatron is playing out of his gourd right now. Just demolishing assholes left and right on his way to the top of the heap. Remember when I said Roddy White was better than Megatron? Yea that's not looking so hot right now. I'll openly admit to the fact that clearly Calvin Johnson listened to that show and decided to make me see how is ass tastes. Well let me tell you, Lunatics, it tastes salty and like Calvin has been eating a lot of corn. The good news is that I'm still not as deep in there as the Dallas Cowboys were on Sunday. He decapitated that team, shit in their mouths, left the heads on pikes outside Cowboys Stadium, then went to their homes and fucked their wives. That catch in triple coverage was on the verge of physical impossibility.
So today, Megatron, the Football Ranter salutes you. Well done, Sir.
-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 8/12/2011
“Right now, Calvin Johnson — there’s a king in every crowd, and he’s the king of the National Football League as far as wide receivers.
-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 10/3/2011
I'm not a scientist, but at this point, I have to believe Cris Carter doesn't know shit about watching film. He kept saying Megatron didn't look good on film. Maybe he doesn't know what that means? The fact is that Megatron is playing out of his gourd right now. Just demolishing assholes left and right on his way to the top of the heap. Remember when I said Roddy White was better than Megatron? Yea that's not looking so hot right now. I'll openly admit to the fact that clearly Calvin Johnson listened to that show and decided to make me see how is ass tastes. Well let me tell you, Lunatics, it tastes salty and like Calvin has been eating a lot of corn. The good news is that I'm still not as deep in there as the Dallas Cowboys were on Sunday. He decapitated that team, shit in their mouths, left the heads on pikes outside Cowboys Stadium, then went to their homes and fucked their wives. That catch in triple coverage was on the verge of physical impossibility.
So today, Megatron, the Football Ranter salutes you. Well done, Sir.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Week 4 Picks
Good morning, Lunatics. Check out the Football Ranter game picks for week 4. Take a look at the new degenerate gambler angle too, where we discuss the betting line and who to take if you're inclined to wager.
Fun starts after the jump.
Fun starts after the jump.
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