Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Here is the post-week 7 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): This week it's my turn to complain. How did this team not cover a 9.5 spread against the Vikings??? Is this some sort of sick joke? Fuck my life.
2. New England Patriots (Last week: #3): They move up during the bye week because the Ravens thought it would be fun to fuck over all the idiots that bet on them...like me. Big matchup in Pittsburgh will determine if the Pats deserve to stay in the #2 spot next week.
3. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #4): "Now we just get to watch Drew Brees smoke a bunch of chumps...yup -- still works for me." Holy god did I not realize how right I would be on that one. Marques Colston: not fucking around. Pretty sure he actually skull-fucked the opposing DB on his first touchdown.
4. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #5): I'm about two more spots away from just flat out killing myself here. I'm a man at the end of his rope with this team. It's gotten so bad I had to move them up during their bye week because everyone else sucks.
5. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #2): This offense disgusts me -- Cam Cameron is a fucking moron. If I spend any more time on this team I'm going to become physically ill.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #9): Now that looks like the Steelers I recall from years past.
7. New York Jets (Last week: #10): Big win at home for the Jets over the Chargers, but this is too high for them. I just don't have any other team I'd rather put in this slot. Unless this team can show it can win on the road, it won't move any higher than this. On that note, huge game up in Buffalo on Sunday.
8. Detroit Lions (Last week: #7): Back to back tough home losses for this team, and then Stafford gets hurt at the end of the game. Is this the start of a big slide down the rankings, or just a temporary slump? We'll have our answer if the Lions can't beat the shitty Broncos on the road this week.
9. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #8): I'm no longer sure this is the 9th best team in the NFL. I suspect the Falcons might beat them on a neutral field, but the Dirty Birds are so inconsistent I'm giving the Bills the benefit of the doubt this week.
10. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #14): OK so they can apparently win on the road against good teams? I uhh...well, you see...yup. I got nothin' here.
11. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #6): BAHAHA! Classic Norv and the Chargers. They could make a sitcom about how comically inept this team is in crunch time. I've seen oil fires less chaotic than the Chargers two minute drill.
12. New York Giants (Last week: #12): Nothing to say here except that they'll sink like the titanic if they can't take care of business against the god-awful Dolphins at home on Sunday.
13. Chicago Bears (Last week: #18): So I owe an apology to all Da Bears fans out there. I've underrated this team for some time now. But since I don't believe in saying sorry, please accept the following visual aid instead.
14. Houston Texans (Last week: #15): I think I accurately pegged this team as decent-to-good. Blowing anyone out on the road is solid though, so they could be as high as 10. The teams between numbers 10 and 14 are all pretty interchangeable.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #13): This team will live and die with Josh Freeman, aka their only healthy offensive weapon. If he pulls it together, they'll beat some teams. Otherwise, this squad is going to continue to struggle big time.
16. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #17): Sure, I'll throw this team a bone and bump them up a spot after their depantsing of the Rams. But we all know the real test is this week in Philly.
17. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #16): They're more or less dead even with the 'Boys. Andy Reid has never lost coming off the bye-week, so if that steak holds up they'll leapfrog a few teams next week.
18. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #20): This team and the Niners hurt my head the most of any two teams in football. HOW ARE THEY WINNING GAMES?? Does not compute. Oh, also, remember when I said Carson Palmer would be better than Andy Dalton in his rookie year? Welp, chalk that up in the "dead fucking wrong" column.
19. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #22): The Problem went right back to his old ways (15-30, 161 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs) but this team won anyway because, well...the Raiders Kyle Bollered themselves. Yes, Kyle Boller is now a verb.
20. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #19): See the Chiefs above. Who in this front office thought that trading for a QB that hadn't played football in almost a year, then throwing him out there on his first week back was a good idea? Is anyone calling the shots or is it really just two monkeys flinging poo at a decision chart? You know what my guess is.
21. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #23): This game against the 'Skins doesn't change a whole lot for the Panthers. Still no defense, still no more than 6 wins on the year.
22. Washington Redskins (Last week: #21): Goodbye Tim Hightower, Chris Cooley, and Santana Moss. Oh, and goodbye season as well. That will be all.
23. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #11): At this point, it's time to rename Chris Johnson CJ200. He's playing as if Da'Quan Bowers stole one of his knees. This team has never been the same post-Kenny Britt going down for the year, so unless Johnson finds his stride it's all over in the music city.
24.Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #25): I don't care that they beat the Ravens. Their quarterback threw for 93 yards and it took MJD 30 carries to get over 100 yards rushing. This is a shit football team and they should clean house after another miserable season.
25. Denver Broncos (Last week: #24): TEBOWMANIA!! Seriously, people have started Tebowing instead of planking now. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
26. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #26): This team makes me want to drive the sharpened handle of a wooden cooking spoon into my retinas. I hate this team more than the Seachickens. Why? Because they're not even interesting to discuss. They're worse than shitty, they're just plain boring. So to the entire Cleveland Browns organization: don't ever make me watch a game like that 6-3 shitheap against the Seachickens ever again. Oh yea, and they're still shitty.
27. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #28): Will Christian Ponder help bring this team out of misery and into the promised land? Not this year. Part of me feels this team would beat the Browns too, but I need to see another week of Ponder before I make that determination.
28. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #27): Well it's certain now. They're worse than the Browns. Kind of. I guess losing on the road by 3 points makes them dead even with the Browns. But they did it starting Charlie Whitehurst at QB, so that's like a 9 point handicap right there. So, big win for the Seachickens?
29. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #29): Not wasting my words. Absolute flaming garbage.
30. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #30): Sad, just...sad. It's possible this team won't win a game all year. How the hell have they fallen so far?
31. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #31): Can they pull a Seachickens style upset over the G-Men this weekend? Uhh...no. Not with Justin Tuck and Prince Amukamara coming back from injury. This team will beat someone, I'm just sure who yet.
32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): Wow, they somehow exceeded even my expectations for their stunning suckitude. Like the Dolphins, I believe they'll beat someone at some point...I just have no fucking clue who. Unless they've totally quit on Jim Caldwell, which is a distinct possibility.
Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings. Until next time, Lunatics.
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