Fun starts after the jump.
Sunday (Early)
Chicago Bears at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (IN LONDON): This game is extremely difficult to pick because we just don't know what the hell to expect from either of these teams. Are we going to get the juggernaught Bears that blew out Atlanta and Minnesota or the shitheap losers that showed up in New Orleans and Detroit? Will we see the Bucs that beat NOLA or the dickheads that lost to San Fran by 45? Let's spin the wheel, baby! I'll bet it lands on the only team in this matchup with a road win this year: The Bucs. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Stay away from this one. You never know how a team is going to respond to a trans-atlantic crossing and both of these teams are awful on the road. If you're as big a degenerate as I am, then take the Bucs and the point and give yourself a chance to push on a one point victory. Buccaneers (+1). Tampa Bay 18-16.
Washington Redskins at Carolina Panthers: So Cammy Newton finally fucked the Football Ranter over last week by failing to cover. Ah well, all good things come to and end. Either way, the Panthers defense is so abysmally bad that I don't really know who this team can beat. The only hope they have is that John Beck can't get out of his own way and hands victory to the Cats on a silver platter. I actually think Beck will have a good game against this atrocious D and the 'Skins will pull it out. Degenerate Gambler Angle: I'm fairly confident that even with John Beck back there, the 'Skins are the better team. You know the rules, take the better team and the points: Redskins (+2.5). Washington 26-24.
San Diego Chargers at the New York Jets: I called the Chargers on the air, but I can't bring myself to pick them here for three reasons: a) the Chargers are a west coast team coming east for a 1pm game and the track record of teams in that situation is ABYSMAL, 2) teams have looked awful coming off a bye thus far, $) Norv Turner is still the Chargers head coach, and 113£) the Jets are 3-0 at home and 0-3 on the road. They're just a different team at the meadowlands. J-E-T-S! Degenerate Gambler Angle: The Jets have no idea how to win pretty, so this will probably be a close game. That being said, giving up only one point as the home favorite doesn't bother me here. The Jets will likely win this game by somewhere between 3 and 7 points. Jets (-1). New York 27-23.
Seattle Seahawks at Cleveland Browns: Couldn't have gotten my pick more correct for the Browns last week, as this team continues to showcase its mystifying ability to fuck me over in every way possible. So with that in mind, I'm lubed up and ready for my week 7 Browns pick! The (2-3) Browns have beaten the Colts and Dolphins, while losing to the Bengals, Raiders and Titans. Seeing a trend here? The Browns are shitty, but they can beat the worst teams in the NFL. Fortunately for them, they get the shitty Seachickens this week. Go Brownies! (REVERSE MORTAL LOCK ALERT: for those of you that read these picks often, you know the Browns fuck me over every week. I see no reason this week should be any different. I look forward to be shafted right in the prostate by the team.) Degenerate Gambler Angle: I cannot stand laying points with this team, even at home against the Seachickens. On the other hand, what am I going to do, tell you to put real cash on the chickens? Never happening. So please, don't bet this game. Just don't do it. In fact, don't even watch this game. The federal government has already declared this game a natural disaster and sent FEMA to Cleveland to help clean up the inevitable damage this game will do to the surrounding countryside. On the other hand, if you're selling sperm to bet on football games (like me), then take the Browns. They've shown some vague ability to beat bad teams by more than a field goal. This pick is a fucking dumpster fire. Brb, just gonna go kill myself. (Take the Browns -3). Cleveland 18-13.
Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans: Was the early season version of the Titans a mirage, or reality? This game will tell us, because if they can't beat the depleted Texans at home, they're not for real. Either way, I'll take the Titans at home because I don't think Matt Schaub has the cajones to lead the scoring drive Houston will need late in the 4th quarter to win this game. Degenerate Gambler Angle: This is probably going to be a close game, so despite my belief that Tennessee will win, I don't think it will be by much. Take the Texans and the points (+3). Tennessee 22-20.
Denver Broncos at Miami Dolphins: There's only one reason to watch and/or bet on this game: the left-handed-virgin-wonder Timmy Tebow. Bottom line here: the Dolphins are somehow worse at home than on the road, so advantage to the Broncos here. Plus the 'Fins got smoked on Monday night, so the short week won't help them any. Go Broncos. Degenerate Gambler Angle: How is Denver not laying points in this game??? If it wasn't for the Packers giving up less than 10 against the shitty Vikings, this would be the degenerate gambler pick of the week. Bet the Tebows. Bet them long, and bet them hard. They are one million, bajillion, fafillion percent going to win this game. (REVERSE MORTAL LOCK WARNING: you know the drill. Any time I say I'm sure of something, it's guaranteed not to happen. If I said I was sure the sun will rise in the east tomorrow, the fucking earth would reverse polarity and start spinning in the opposite direction. Don't understand that? It's science. Read a fucking book for once. Haha, just kidding -- keep reading this site instead, please.) Broncos (PK). Denver 20-14.
Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions: The Falcons are "hide the women and children" awful away from the Georgia Dome. Detroit is somehow a very good football team. Easy, right? Sort of. Detroit is on the second half of back to back games at home and coming off a deflating loss against the 49ers. I don't think they're going to bring the house emotionally for the Dirty Birds -- but I still think they pull out a close win. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Take the Falcons (+4) -- Detroit won't be all there through this one. Detroit 28-26.
Sunday (Late)
Kansas City Chiefs at Oakland Raiders: Oakland is a shit show without a quarterback and barely escaped Cleveland with a win last week. Kansas City is a shit show without a quarterback and barely escaped the bye week without a loss last week. WHO YA GOT! Well believe it or not, I'm going to take the Problem (Matt Cassel) over the brain hemorrhage that is Kyle Boller. Yes, that Kyle Boller. Not only is he still alive, he's still got a job in the NFL. Who knew, right? Degenerate Gambler Angle: Anyone trust Kyle Boller to a) win a game and b) win a game by more than 4 points? No? Me neither. And yes, I know they're going to hand the ball to Run DMC 50 times (as they should) but I still think the Chiefs (+4) pull this one out. FOOTBALL RANTER WEEK 7 UPSET SPECIAL: Kansas City 31-17.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Arizona Cardinals: We've discussed this type of matchup for the Steelers ad nauseum -- they're pretty good and the Cards are turrible. The Steelers will win, but will get in their own way just enough so that it won't be a blowout. Take Pittsburgh all day. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Pittsburgh only a 4 point favorite against arguably the 4th worst team in the league? Uhh...alright then. I'm actually deeply concerned that Vegas knows something here that I don't and that it's a trap! Until further notice though, take the Steelers (-4). Pittsburgh 24-16.
St. Louis Rams at Dallas Cowboys: Dallas gets to come home after a tough road loss to the Patriots. They know they need to take care of business against the Rams to stay in the hunt in the NFC East. They'll lay the smack down on St. Louis and the hobbled Sam Bradford. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Bet you thought Sam Bradford would be starting this game. Nope!
Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings: Aaron Rodgers vs. Christian Ponder. Uhh...yea I'll take Green Bay here, thanks. Degenerate Gambler Angle: DEGENERATE GAMBLER PICK OF THE WEEK: Aaron Rodgers spotting the Vikings less that 10 points??? DO IT UP PEOPLE! Bet your wife, bet your kids, bet your car, bet your car with your wife and kids in it! Bet your daughter's virginity! Packers (-9.5) all the way. Green Bay 26-16.
Indianapolis Colts at New Orleans Saints: Well this looked like a great matchup back when Peyton Manning had a functioning spine, huh? Now that Colts fans everywhere have read that and jammed a freshly sharpened pencil into their pee-holes to pass out from the pain, I can safely tell you the Saints are going to win this game. Degenerate Gambler Angle: The Saints have a tendency to play down to their competition, and their defense isn't as good as it should be. The Colts will cover, so take the points -- Colts (+13.5). New Orleans 26-17.
Monday Night Football
Baltimore Ravens at Jacksonville Jaguars: I don't understand how on earth Jacksonville gets a Monday night game. What the fuck is wrong with these people??? In any case, now we all get to watch the Ravens run a train on Blaine Gabbert and the hapless Jaguars. Degenerate Gambler Angle: A nine point spread is higher than I would like, but the Ravens have shown the ability to absolutely decimate bad teams. I'll take them despite giving up the points: Ravens (-9). Baltimore 31-7.
Until next time, Lunatics.
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