Fun starts after the jump.
Sunday (Early)
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans: I wish I could tell you the Titans were definitely better than the Colts, but I'm just not sure. The offense has never been the same without Kenny Britt, and the defense has given up 72 points the last two games. On the plus side the Colts just gave up 62 points in a single game, so the Titans have got that going for them...which is nice. There's a very real possibility this Colts team has quit on Jim Caldwell, and for that reason I can't pick them to win. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Stay away from this game. Asking Tennessee to beat anyone by 9 points is a stretch right now, but the Colts just got blown out on the road by 55 points and may have quit on their head coach. If so, this one will be ugly. Gun to my head, since I don't really trust either of these teams, give me the points. Colts (+8.5). Tennessee 24-16.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans: The Texans will still be without Andre Johnson this week and the Jaguars just knocked off the Ravens, so
Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers: What makes me think the piece-of-shit Vikings can win a road game against the energized Panthers? No, it's not that I think Christian Ponder is the second coming of Jesus. It's that Minnesota has AP and the Panthers are 29th in the NFL in run defense. On top of that, I think the presence of Ponder in the huddle is going to give some viagra to a totally limp-dick offense and energize them, even if he doesn't play remarkably well. I'll take the Vikes, against my better judgment. Degenerate Gambler Angle: This won't be a popular pick, I know. And I hate picking against Cam Newton, who has covered the spread in almost every contest thus far. But nonetheless, I think the Vikes are going to pull the upset. Vikings (+3). FOOTBALL RANTER'S WEEK 8 UPSET SPECIAL: Minnesota 26-24.
New Orleans Saints at St. Louis Rams: This one's easy. The Rams will be without Sam Bradford yet again, which means another A.J. Feeley debacle. Somehow the Rams are almost as bad on defense (22nd) as they are on offense (30th). I expect Drew Brees to junk punch the Rams for 45 minutes on Sunday. Why 45 you ask? Because he'll be pulled for a backup in the 4th quarter because the Saints will be leading by eleventy bajillion points. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Until the Rams give you reason to think otherwise, keep making money betting against them. Saints (-13.5). New Orleans 41-13.
Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens defense is going to eat Kevin Kolb's face. Meanwhile, Joe Flacco tends to be very boom-or-bust in his performances (3 games with fewer than 4.0 YPA, 3 games with greater than 7.5 YPA) and is coming off a bust performance. Given that he rarely has two bad outings in a row, I'll take the Ravens at home without thinking twice. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Baltimore is going to straight up murder the Cardinals' ass. Ray Lewis may or may not go to prison for what occurs during this game. Ravens (-12.5)! Baltimore 38-16.
Miami Dolphins at New York Giants: The Dolphins are one of the three worst teams in the NFL. The Giants are getting Justin Tuck and Brandon Jacobs back from injury this week. This is going to be a "Godfather" style bloodbath. I'm talking Sonny at the toll booth type shit. Take the G-Men all week and twice on Sunday. Degenerate Gambler Angle: DEGENERATE GAMBLER PICK OF THE WEEK: I don't care how bad my pick of the weeks have been, this one is as good as done. So do it people! Bet your wife! Bet your kids! Bet your house! Bet your dog! Don't have a dog? Steal your neighbor's dog, sell it back, then use the money to bet this game! G-G-G-G-MEN (-9.5). New York 34-17.
Sunday (Late)
Washington Redskins at Buffalo Bills (IN TORONTO): This is a tougher game to call than it should be, since the Bills seem to hate playing north of the border. Nonetheless, the Redskins don't have any healthy playmakers right now and because of that, they won't have the firepower to take down the Bills. Degenerate Gambler Angle: I got burned picking the Redskins last week, but I'm trying not to let that affect my judgment this week. The Bills lost once already this year on the road against a team with a good defense but a mediocre offense - the Cincinnati Bengals. This matchup looks a lot like that one, so I'm taking the 'Skins (+5). Buffalo 23-22.
Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos: Matthew Stafford has thrown for fewer than 6.0 YPA in 3 of his last 4 games. Jahvid Best won't play again and Maurice Morris is not a suitable replacement. Plus Stafford is hobbled after hurting his ankle on the final play of the Falcons game. That being said, I'm not buying into Tebowmania. The Lions will find a way to win this game. Degenerate Gambler Angle: I was all set to make the Lions my pick of the week, but then I went to the numbers that I quoted above. I'll still take the Lions (-2.5) to win by at least a field goal, but the fact that 83% of bettors are taking the Lions makes me nervous about some sort of Vegas shenanigans here. Don't bet the house on this one. Detroit 20-17.
New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers: I called the Steelers on the air, but I'm switching after looking at the stats. I don't care that Tom Brady is 6-1 lifetime against the Steelers, but I do care that he's 3-1 against Dick Lebeau's defense. I also care that the Steelers have lost both games they've played against good teams (Texans and Ravens) and have racked up wins against the dregs of the NFL (Seachickens, Cardinals, Titans, Jaguars, and Colts). My gut told me the Steelers will win this game, but reality says otherwise. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Tom Brady giving up less than a field goal? YOU ARE CORRECT SIR, YES! Patriots (-2.5). New England 31-28.
Cleveland Browns at San Francisco 49ers: I just puked in my coffee mug looking at this game. The Browns are awful and got disemboweled with salad fork in their last trip out to the Bay Area. No, that weak failed comeback where they recovered the onside kick then did nothing with it doesn't change that fact. I expect this week to be even worse than last time. Degenerate Gambler Angle: San Francisco is going to shove the useless Browns' junk into a Cuisinart and hit "puree". Bet 'em long, and bet 'em hard. 49ers (-8.5). San Francisco 24-3.
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks: The Seachickens have looked WORLDS better at home than on the road, but I still think they lose this game for two reasons. First, Charlie Whitehurst is flaming dogshit in a bag. Second, Cincinnati's defense is really freaking good. This could be another miserable "Oh god, avert your eyes and hide the women and children" 6-3 ending, just like the Seachickens previous game. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Seachickens +2.5 is a sucker bet here -- only take it if you like the Chickens to win straight up. Since I don't, I'll be putting my rent money on the Bengals (-2.5). Cincinnati 17-13.
Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles: Another game where I hate my own on-air call. This game has huge divisional implications, so both teams will be up for it. A well publicized stat is that Andy Reid is undefeated in his career following the bye week. Don't overthink this one -- stick with the trend and take Philly at home. Degenerate Gambler Angle: I believe this game is going to begin a long string of wins for the Iggles. Only giving up 3 points to Dallas at home is a gift. Take it and don't look back. Eagles (-3). Philadelphia 31-24.
Monday Night Football
San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs: The Chargers can't beat good teams, but they can stomp the bad ones just fine. Fortunately for them, the Chiefs still qualify as bad despite their 3-3 record because they also can't beat anything but bad teams. I guess the basic equation here is Chargers > Chiefs. So uhh...I'll take the Chargers. Degenerate Gambler Angle: Tough call here, but I just don't have tremendous faith in Phil Rivers right now. Because of that, I'll take the home team and the points. Chiefs (+3.5). San Diego 26-24.
Until next time, Lunatics.
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