Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the very first installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

1. Green Bay Packers: The reigning the champs are...well...the reigning champs.  Until someone beats them, they keep the top spot. 

2. Baltimore Ravens: In an ironic twist of fate, this team imposed non-consensual buttsex on the defending AFC champs and Ben Roethlisberger.  They look like the most balanced team in the AFC on paper and on the field right now.

3. Philadelphia Eagles: Fewer questions on defense than the Patriots, more or less the same offense.  Week 1 win would be more impressive if the Rams hadn't lost Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson mid-game.

4. New England Patriots: I would tell you this defense scares the shit out of me after giving up over 400 yards to Chad "Hide Yo Kids" Henne, but the Dark Lord finds my lack of faith disturbing.  Tom Brady is so fucking nasty though that it may not matter.

5. New York Jets: As usual the Jets give their fans a fucking coronary before pulling out an ugly win, which is more or less their team MO at this point.  Nonetheless, winning is winning #Sheen.  

6. New Orleans Saints: Our first losing team, the Saints have issues on D but can score with the best of em.  They hung with the defending champs all night and look legit if their secondary can pull it together.

7. Chicago Bears: Da Bears probably won't be this high all season.  The defense is legit, shutting down a Falcons team that was expected to score points, but when an injured Roy Williams is your top wideout, your GM should pretty much just take a stroll into oncoming traffic.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers: Not as worried about the offense here as I am the defense.  Big Ben will probably right the ship and put up points, but this aging defense letting Ray Rice go buck wild was not a good sign.  Still, the Steelers will probably jump up the rankings after they bludgeon the Seachickens to death with their own dicks next weekend at home.

9. San Diego Chargers: Somehow, the only thing holding this team back remains special teams and their own head coach...just like the last 4 years.  It takes a special team to hold their opponent to 39 passing yards and only win by a touchdown.  Seriously, sweet fancy fucking moses.

10. Atlanta Falcons: Embarrassing loss to Da Bears, but they'll pull it together.  Matty Ice needs to get his shit together for that to happen, though.

11. Houston Texans: This is probably a little low for the Texans, but I need to see way more than one teabagging of the Ghost of the Indianapolis Colts before I can declare this defense legit.

12. Detroit Lions: This is a team poised to rise in the Football Ranter Power Rankings...until of course someone inevitably rips Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford's spine right out of his asshole.  This O-Line is bad, it's unfortunately only a matter of time.

13. Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo took the heat for ripping defeat from the jaws of victory (and rightfully so) but the defense was mediocre to start with and now it's been hit with injuries.  Regardless, they played the #5 team tough. 

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Looked ugly against a meh Lions defense, but the offense should recover enough to make this team OK.  Still probably going to be a disappointing year for the young Buccos.

15. Washington Redskins: Not overly impressed with a win over the battered and dysfunctional G-Men, but they were still much better than anyone expected.  Even being decent would be tremendous for this fanbase.  And yes, that is sad.

16. Oakland Raiders: Run DMC is going to keep them in games, and I've seen worse defenses.  Jason Campbell will keep them from getting much higher in the rankings than this.

17. New York Giants: What can I say about this team that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?  They look bombed out and depleted.  Then that asshat Antrel Rolle ran his mouth about being better than the 'Skins.  Not a good week for the Giants.

18. Arizona Cardinals: God fucking awful defense gave up 400+ yards to the Entertainer in his first career start.  Thank god they play in the worst division in football and will probably score some points.

19. St. Louis Rams: Another team that needs to start praying to Jobu to help their injury situation.  Defense is improving but their receiving corps is worse than the Bears.  Ew.

20. Buffalo Bills: Is Ryan Fitzpatrick this good?  Are the Chiefs this bad?  Did Chan Gailey suddenly remember where he was and draw up some real plays?  The Bills make my head hurt.

21. Miami Dolphins: We've hit the part of the rankings where they're all bad, it's just a question of how bad.  But then again, if Chad Henne is for real- BAHAHA!  What am I a drunk Dolphins fan?  Henne blows.  This team is fucked.

22. Denver Broncos: Orton will be better than this (though not much) and they'll put together enough of a pass rush not to be among the worst of the worst.  Their run defense is going to be laughable all year long though.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars: I was reluctant to even put them this high.  Let's see: no pass rush, no QB, no WRs, no secondary.  Not exactly a recipe for success.  Not giving them points for barely eeking out a victory against the shitty Titans.

24. San Francisco 49ers: Not a good start for the Football Ranter's 2-14 prediction for the Niners.  Still, 2 special teams TDs in the span of a minute has the same chance of happening twice as me getting laid twice: zero.  And no, if I'm not giving the Jags credit for winning then the 49ers receive none either.  A team full of blind monkeys waving their dicks at the opposition could have beaten the Seachickens.

25. Tennessee Titans: Good news: they have Chris Johnson.  Bad news: they don't seem willing to use him very much.  Nine carries in a game for your only dangerous offensive weapon is a recipe for being disemboweled with a plastic spork. 

26. Minnesota Vikings: So bad that I'm dubbing them the "Shitty Titans Lite."  Worse passing game, same great RB.  They stayed in the game against the Chargers because of Percy Harvin's kick return and Norv Turner's ability to turn a solid gold roster into a steaming pile of rhino shit.

27. Cincinnati Bengals: Is it wrong that I can't believe they're this high?  I wanted to rank the Browns above them, but somehow the Browns suck even worse.  The sad thing is, there's talent on this roster.  Too bad none of it is at the QB position.

28. Carolina Panthers: Well Cam Newton almost stole a victory from the Cards, the first time in his young career that he didn't get away with a theft.  (ZING!)  Rookie QB and no defense won't lead to many wins and not being able to beat the Cardinals only proves this.

29. Cleveland Browns: "We suck again."  They stink more than the Cuyahoga river after it stopped burning.

30. Kansas City Chiefs: The best thing I can say about this team is that it's better than the Colts.  At least they have a running game.  Which Todd Haley won't use, because he has his head planted firmly inside his own asshole.  Plus they have The Problem, so yea- not much good news here.

31. Seattle Seahawks: The Seachickens are so bad on so many levels, I don't even want to waste time writing about it.  Two words: Tarvaris Jackson.  Moving on.

32. Indianapolis Colts: Talent-wise, they're better than the Seachickens.  Unfortunately the "Lebron Effect" is going to make them the worst team in the NFL.  Pray for the return of the Godfather, Colts fans.

Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings.  Until next time, Lunatics.