Thursday, March 31, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I absolutely believe that there is a settlement that can be part of this class-action lawsuit, antitrust lawsuit that we have as players against the NFL for acting as a monopoly and restricting free trade and our ability to get back on the field and play."
                                                                                                         -Drew Brees

Drew Brees doesn't want the NFL to be a monopoly or restrict free trade.  Someone should probably tell him that the NFL being a monopoly and restricting free trade is a major reason why he is so freaking rich today.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We are deeply troubled by the serious charges filed against Aqib Talib."
                                                          -Tampa Bay Bucs' GM Mark Dominik

Dominik's quote after learning of Talib's arrest for felony assault with a deadly weapon.  After being translated from NFL-speak to more fan-friendly language, his statement read: "We are shitting our pants about having zero starting cornerbacks on the roster when Aqib Talib spends next season suspended or in prison.  Get Pacman Jones on the li- you know what, nevermind."

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's going to be a few months here, but we'll be playing this year...I guarantee we'll be playing."
                                                                    -Bud Adams, Tennessee Titans' Owner

THANK GOD!  NFL fans, you can rest easy now.  This proclamation is second in certainty only to when Al Davis declared that "Jamarcus great playa...".

Yup.  We're fucked.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

"What’s the worst thing that can happen to a quarterback? He loses his confidence."
                                                                                      -Terry Bradshaw 

I really would have thought bone-crushing spinal injury or permanent paralysis and even death would have been the worst thing that can happen to a quarterback...but hey, losing your confidence is bad too, right? 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football, the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today."
                                                                                            -Former US President Gerald Ford

Today, this man would have served two terms after his succession to office.  The entertainment value he would have provided with the advent of the internet would have been Sheen-esque. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Illusion of Player Safety

Welcome back, Lunatics.

The NFL is at it again, forcing unnecessary rule changes in the name of player safety that don't make a lasting impact on player safety.  In case you missed it, the NFL made a number of rule changes yesterday, the most prominent of which was to move kickoffs from the 30 to the 35 yard line.  The NFL Competition Committee explained that the move was made to protect coverage units, which have the highest incidence of injuries of any unit on the field at 7 injuries per 100 plays.  Now taken by itself, that all sounds well and good.  Moving the kickoff up five yards will increase the number of touchbacks which lessens the number of returns and exposes the coverage units to injury less frequently.  That is, unless you simultaneously agree to continue the practice of allowing two man wedges on kickoffs.  For those that don't know, a wedge on a kickoff is when two players link arms to essentially become a single unit that a coverage person then has to run into at full speed.  The NFL voted to eliminate three man wedges a few years ago, but continues to allow the two-man variety.  Former player Matt Bowen said all that really needs to be said on the topic:  "You have a 50-yard head start and you run into your garage door -- that's what it feels like."

Make no mistake, the NFL has a list of very rigid priorities that looks something like this: 1) Money, 2) Money, 3) More Money, 4) Maintenance of Jerry Jones Secret Volcano Lair, 5) Keeping money coming in, 6) Player Safety, 7) Global Warming, 8) the Possible Existence of Alien Life on Other Planets, 9) the Fans.  NFL owners could give a fuck about player safety or the fans unless they threaten to impact their bottom line.  Instead, what they most often do is make it appear as if they're addressing player safety without really changing anything.  This is no exception.  They push the kickoff line up, but leave two-man wedge in place.  They argue for new concussion rules, but push for an 18 game season.  What's worse is that these festering anal warts try to use the fans as excuses for every profit-building scheme they come up with.  Never forget that this is the same bunch of fan-raping, money-grubbing robber barons that charge fans regular season prices for pre-season games, try to make a TV deal that pays them even if they lock-out the players, and  agree to black out local TV markets, depriving millions of fans of the games because the Owner's stadium (which holds less than 100,000 people) isn't sold out.

But just so it doesn't seem that the Football Ranter is singling the owners out, let's be clear.  The players don't give a shit about the fans either.  Their priority list is 1) money, 2) safety, 3) plowing cheerleaders.  But that's a priority scale that I think any male can get behind.  Plus, the players provide entertainment by openly flaunting this priority scale for fans.  The owners, on the other hand, stuff a chloroform soaked rag in the fans' faces, rob them and pin a note on their unconscious body that reads, "Took your wallet and car, but it was for your own good and you wanted us to do us."      

No Lunatics, neither the owners or players care even an iota about you.  They worship at the altar of the almighty dollar and forsake all else in pursuit of it.  Neither could care any less about the working man's plight.  Both are more than happy to shove their entire fist deep into the collective fan asshole if they believe there is more money to be found up there, which sadly, there usually is.  So until someone dies on the football field, safety will continue to take a backseat to bludgeoning fans with a 20lb dildo and robbing them blind while they're out cold on the pavement.  So we got that going for us...which is nice?

Until next time, Lunatics.                        

Quote of the Day

"You never know what you're gonna get. Is it gonna be a pretty girl, an ugly girl or whatever it's gonna be...I don't card them. I don't ask for a birth certificate."
                                                                              -Lawrence Taylor, Former NY Giants LB

LT philosophizing about the ups and downs of the pimp game and the pitfalls of picking up hookers.  This is not a joke, that's really what he was talking about after being sentenced to six months probation for picking up an underage prostitute and having sex with her...FUCK YEA LT!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We have not had any discussions or consideration of replacement players. It hasn't been discussed, it hasn't been considered, and it's not in our plans."
                                                                                               -Roger Goodell 

So this pretty much makes it a virtual certainty that not only have the owners discussed replacement players, they're running a secret "Replacement Player Training Camp" in Jerry Jones' Hidden Volcano Lair, right?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything that comes in second."
                                                             -Paul "Bear" Bryant

So, if a woman came in second...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer."
                                      -John Madden

Mistaken for an inspirational quote, Madden was actually just giving Pat Summerall directions to his favorite sandwich place. 

Friday, March 18, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I wish I had the athletic ability of AP’s like little finger, alright. But he's an idiot, and what he said was moronic at best.”
                                                                                -Heath Evans, FB New Orleans Saints

Teach it like you preach it Heath Evans!  Amen!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I don't understand American football at all. It looks like all-in wrestling with crash helmets."

 Just in case you needed one more reason why Sting sucks.   

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

That's My Quarterback!

Welcome back, Lunatics, for another round of "That's My Quaterback!"  This week's QB has the following stats:

2010 Season Stats: 61.4% completion percentage, 3451 yards, 25TDs, 6INTs, 95.9QB rating.

Is this your Quarterback?  Find out after the jump.

Quote of the Day

"It's modern-day slavery, you know? People kind of laugh at that, but there are people working at regular jobs who get treated the same way, too."
                                        -Adrian Peterson, Discussing the Players' Plight in the NFL Labor Dispute

You tell 'em Adrian!  Getting paid millions of dollars to entertain fans and play football is exactly like slavery! Someone call Al Sharpton, the NFL is trampling all over the 13th amendment and AP was smart enough to see it!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mock Draft Tres


Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find the latest version of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Quote of the Day

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
                                                                                                            -Phyllis Diller 

Ha- you said it, friend.  Women be shoppin', right Phyllis?  Ah, good times...good times.   

Monday, March 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The answer is, we'll get it done...The answer is, we won’t miss any football. Certainly, that is our goal. Their move into litigation will ultimately result in going right back into negotiation, in our view."
                                                                                      -Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys' Owner

Only Jerry has the ability to say something important and then totally minimize whatever he just said within the very same sentence.  So don't worry football fans, it'll get done, or at least, that's the goal.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I've said it many times: If both sides have an equal commitment to getting this deal done, it will get done. I don't know if both sides have an equal commitment. ... Obviously, we have the commitment."
                                                                           -Jeff Pash, NFL's Lead Negotiator

If these morons cannot get beyond the "slam dick on table and make unreasonable demands" stage of negotiation, there will be no NFL football next year.  Stupidity of this level is difficult to fathom.  Hey, assholes, stop rattling sabres in the media and get this done.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?"
                             -Charlie Sheen Vince Lombardi

 Just a reminder to all you Lunatics that Lombardi is God.  Charlie Sheen is just his prophet.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

That's My Quarterback!

Welcome back, Lunatics, for another round of "That's My Quaterback!"  This week's QB has the following stats:

2010 Season Stats: 57.8% completion percentage, 3000 yards, 23TDs, 15INTs, 81.8QB rating.

Is this your Quarterback?  Find out after the jump.

Quote of the Day

"My job is to win games. That, I will promise you will happen. I can't put a number on it this first season, but I will promise you we'll be in the championship at some level very soon."
                                                                                -John Fox, Denver Broncos New Head Coach

When pressed on how soon "very soon" was, Fox inquired as to when the next Halley's Comet was, or when the North American continent was due for a second Ice Age.  He then yelled, "look over there!", knocked the podium over and fled the Broncos' media room at high speed.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre Comes Out of Retir- Wait, What? It's Tiki This Time? For Real?

Your read that correctly, Lunatics.  Tiki Barber made a desperation bid for more cash came out of retirement today and announced his intention to play NFL football provided there is a 2011 season.  Tiki Barber is the New York G-Men all-time leading rusher and was straight up BUCK FREAKING NASTY when he was in his prime, which extended to the very day he retired.  Fuck yea Tiki Barber!  

Unfortunately Tiki's prime was 5 years, a wife and a smokin' hot intern ago.  At 36 years old, Tiki is as useful to an NFL team as a dictionary is to the illiterate.  Sure, it's heavy and they can still slug you in the cock with it, but that's not really why you gave them the dictionary now was it?  Same thing here with Tiki...OK, that was nothing like the situation with Tiki.  Let me try again.  Tiki is to an NFL team what a donkey show is to Mexico: an ongoing train wreck so awful that you cannot help but pay to see it over and over again every time you go to Cancun for spring break last year...and the Football Ranter senses that he's veered off topic yet again.

Here's the point: Tiki Barber was, once upon a time, the best running back in the NFL.  He had four seasons of 1000+ Rushing, 500+ Receiving yards and he totaled over 2000 yards from scrimmage in each of his last three seasons.  In short, the guy was a High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlock.  Today, Tiki is a carnival attraction.  A desperate man without a career or a super bowl ring clinging to the last vestige of long-faded glory.  Tiki left his wife for an intern, left a potentially hall of fame career for the broadcasting booth and left his integrity for, well, nothing when he ripped Old Man Coughlin and G-Men before watching them beat the Greatest Team of All Time in The Greatest Superbowl Ever.  The Football Ranter does not believe for even a second that Tiki Barber was "inspired to play again by his brother Ronde's exploits."  Tiki is inspired to return because he needs cash like Andy Dick needs coke.  For Tiki to have any shot at all of making an NFL roster, he's going to have to demonstrate that even though he's as ancient as Stonehenge, he can still play the game.  The Football Ranter would bet his life savings (as if he had any) that Tiki cannot do it.  Instead, Lunatics, look forward to seeing Tiki star in the pre-game warmups of some UFL team that picks him up to attract crowds, but buries him behind Maurice Clarett on the depth chart.

So while Tiki's comeback is as ill-advised as snorting drain-o, we here at Football Ranters honor the STRAIGHT FREAKING FIRE that Tiki once was.  Fuck yea Tiki Barber!  (Editor's note: I dunno who that chick is, but the look on her face says she literally sucked Tiki's dick straight off his body after that photo was taken.)

Until next time, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day

"He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off."
                                                          -Lyndon Baines Johnson

No joke here, this is what the original LBJ had to say about future Commander-in-Chief Gerald Ford.  Boom! Roasted.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately - unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something."
                                                                                                                         -Dick Butkus

Butkus is tied for #2 in career kills with Ray Lewis.  The pair trails only O.J. Simpson for #1 all-time.  

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Mock Draft Dos


Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find this week's update of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  This update accounts for all of the combine results, so things have changed quite a bit. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same."
                                                                                                                               -Bob Golic

Bob Golic: completely cool with both child labor and infanticide.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Quote of the Day

Football doesn't build character, it reveals character!
                                                        -Marv Levy

Why Marv would choose this as his pre-game battle cry for a team that lost 4 consecutive Superbowls, no one quite understood.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

The pride and presence of a professional football team is far more important than 30 libraries.
                                                                                                                     -Art Modell

Modell's response when asked why the United States would continue to dominate world politics despite US educational standards falling light years behind China and about a dozen other countries.  

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

That's My Quarterback!

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Today we unveil a new feature here at Football Ranters, entitled "That's My Quarterback."  I'll put the 2011 stats up for an NFL QB and you see if you can guess who it is.  Pretty simple right?  Nothing fancy, no bells and whistles, just straight fire coming from the geniuses here at Football Ranters.  Feel free to thank us by sending cash/jewels/younger virgin sisters (18 or older only please, Mark Sanchez is not a member of our staff).

2011 Season Stats: 61.8% completion percentage, 3970 yards, 26TDs, 20INTs, 82.4QB rating.

Is this your Quarterback?  Find out after the jump.

Quote of the Day

Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.
                                                                                                     -Knute Rockne

This man said this when these guys still wore leather hats as helmets.  The smartest people on the planet, they were not.  But they had balls of solid titanium haha...but seriously, concussions are bad.