Friday, September 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

“The people outside that want to say they’re fans and don’t believe in us, I couldn’t care less if they ever believed in us.  They don’t mean anything to us if they didn’t believe in us.  They can go back and finish living their miserable lives as they’ve been living and hoping that they lose and whatever.”
                                                                     -Brandon Jacobs, NY Giants Running Back

Classy move here by Brandon Jacobs.  Don't worry, it's not like those fans pay your salary or anything.  More importantly, when has not rooting for Giants ever led to a miserable life?  I'm pretty sure the surgeon general has listed "Giants fandom" as a carcinogen for the last three seasons. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Bob Sanders' season-ending knee injury] is not something anyone could've anticipated. It's something that just happens."
                                      -Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers Head Coach

So as the Whale's Vaginas put strong safety Bob Sanders on IR, this has to qualify as the least surprising news of all time.  Which begs the question, what the fuck is Norv Turner talking about???  This will be the fourth (4th!!) consecutive season Bob Sanders has been placed on season-ending injured reserve.  It's not something anyone could've anticipated?  Is this fake life?  So sorry to inform you, Norv, but there's a retarded, one-legged blind monkey making finger paintings in Malaysia of Bob Sanders going on IR.  Miss Cleo predicted Bob Sanders would go on IR again.  Bob Sanders' career was so dead that it communicated with John Edwards from the afterlife before this season.  The only thing MORE certain than Bob Sanders going on IR is Norv Turner making this face at least 10 times during the season. 

File this in the "reasons Todd Haley is the only worse NFL head coach than Norv Turner" folder.  

Power Rankings: Week 3

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 3 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I think Chad [Henne] has grown immensely since I left here a year ago.  I saw a kid in New York, Mark Sanchez, that is young, I don’t think he’s as talented as Chad Henne.”
                                                                  -Jason Taylor, Miami Dolphins ROLB

Challenge accepted.  This one's actually pretty easy since both players have two years of starting experience (Henne attempted only 12 passes during his rookie 2008 campaign, so we're throwing that data out).  Mark "Dirty" Sanchez' career numbers: 35 TDs, 37 INTs, 55.4% completion percentage, 6.7 yards per attempt, 72.5 passer rating.  Chad Henne's career numbers: 31 TDs, 36 INTs, 60.6% completion percentage, 6.7 yards per attempt, 76.0 passer rating.

As expected, Jason Taylor is wrong.  But maybe not the way we expected.  By the numbers, Chad Henne is not more talented than Mark Sanchez, in fact, they're exactly the same.  Their career numbers are nearly identical over the same span, including arguably the most important QB statistic, yards per attempt, which measures the average number of yards a quarterback gains every time he drops back to pass.  In the "maybe Jason Taylor isn't crazy" department, Henne actually has a higher career passer rating than Sanchez.  Passer rating is one of the few "old" statistics that has held up well to modern scrutiny, so don't dismiss that as garbage, J-E-T-S fans.

Of course, the Football Ranter would be remiss in not mentioning another statistic: Dirty Sanchez' six fourth quarter comebacks and eight career game winning drives.  Henne loses this battle by half -- only 3 fourth quarter comebacks and four career game winning drives.  Take that for what you will, it takes a full team effort to come back and win a game, not just good QB play.

So what can we conclude here?  That Henne and Dirty Sanchez have kinda sucked dicks since entering the NFL.  The difference is that Sanchez has redeemed himself with the media and the fans with some impressive 4th quarter heroics, while Henne...well let's just say Henne has found it difficult not to choke on his own ballsweat during big moments.

VERDICT: Jason Taylor is an asshole.  

PS- Nope, didn't need to do any of that statistical analysis to figure that out.  We pretty much already knew, it was just window dressing for that final point. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


The big man RUMBLIN' STUMBLIN' all the way to pay dirt.  Gotta love a 350lb lineman taking it all the way. 


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Quote of the Day

“I can’t explain it.  Well, I can explain. I won’t say I can’t explain it because then you guys will say I can’t explain it.”
                                                           -Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins Head Coach 





Pop quiz for the Lunatics: the Miami Dolphins- A) Suck, B) Suck in Practice, C) Suck so much their loss to the Browns actually retarded their coach, or D) All of the Above.  Do I need to even post an answer key?  Didn't think so.

PS- The answer is D.  Posted it just in case Tony Sparano happens to be a Lunatic.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Looking at the replays, I'm on the ground every time, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated.  The refs have got to do their jobs...I'm on the ground constantly, all the time.  Every time I throw the ball, I'm on the ground. And I don't know why I don't get the 15-yard flags like everybody else does."
                                                                         -Mike Vick, Philadelphia Eagles QB

Mike Vick bitching about how he never gets 15 yard flags for late hits like everyone else.  Except wait, Kerry Collins was knocked out of last night's Indy-Pittsburgh game on a late hit that wasn't flagged.  I guess when you're as fragile as an origami swan and can't throw passes from the trainer's table, there's not much else to do except blame the refs.  This is the second time Vick has complained about not getting flags (once last season) so this is becoming a trend.  Hey Mike, here's a free tip: if you don't want to get hit, don't play quarterback/running back (he runs enough that I'm classifying him as both).  No one is picking on you because you run a lot/killed dogs/are black.  (That undertone exists here, right?  That only the white QB's are getting flags?  Someone has to have brought that up already- maybe Michael Irvin?  If not, was that racist?  Probably a little racist.  My B.  Shut it down.)

On the plus side, since Vick may miss 3-4 weeks with a broken hand, he won't have to worry about getting hit for the next month.  So he's got that going for him...which is nice.     

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Week 3 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Sorry for the delay in getting this week's picks to you, the Football Ranter was at Great Adventure all day and didn't have a chance to post them earlier. 

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I believe we’re going to get on this airplane Saturday and go up to Cleveland and kick somebody’s ass.”
                                                                     -Jason Taylor, Miami Dolphins ROLB

Jason Taylor discussing how he's prepared to start fights with fans during the pre-game tailgate since the 'Fins can't beat anyone on the field.  I like this move, scare opposing fans into not attending the game, then lose in front of an empty house instead of a full one.  Jason Taylor has just turned a road game into a Dolphins home game.  Well played, Jason. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 2 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“Perry Fewell coaches [faking injuries to stop the clock].  He’s their DC [defensive coordinator].  He coaches that.”
                                                 -Brian Kehl, St. Louis Rams Linebacker and former NY Giants LB

This debate has been going on all week with people denouncing the G-Men for faking injuries, which no one can even prove.  (They absolutely did.  Two guys just flat out fell down like they were in a Life Alert commercial.  These are facts.)  But the question remains, if it was your team, would you want them to fake an injury to win?  Well I don't know what the Lunatics think, but the Football Ranter says absolutely.  This is the NFL- winning is all that matters.  Shit, Pats fans didn't care that the Dark Lord got caught cheating as long as they won.  So let's stop with the false outcry and admit that this is just hate over the Giants being scumbags and getting a victory because of it.  Every fan on earth would trade looking like a soccer pussy for a W on gameday.  Hell, scumming your way to success is pretty much the American Dream.  So to all those haters hating on the G-Men this week: U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A! 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I’ve handled DeSean Jackson one-on-one before, and I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to do it again.”
                                                                              -Antrel Rolle, NY Giants Safety

Bahahaha!  "Handled?"  As in "you handled his junk before he dropped it on your face and high-stepped it into the end zone?"  Let's be clear: no one on the G-Men has handled Desean Jackson.  In fact, that's a big part of why the Giants keep losing to Philadelphia.  Well, that and the Giants' miraculous ability to pull defeat from the clutches of victory and take a dump all over their fans in the process. 

In six career games against the Giants, Jackson has 21 catches, 419 receiving yards, 6 TDs, and one season utterly obliterated.  Consider the fact that he was injured and barely played in one of those games, and he's averaging 4 catches, 80 yards, more than a TD and .20 seasons obliterated per game.  So let's dismiss this fantasy Antrel Rolle is living in where he and/or the Giants have "handled Desean Jackson before."  Far be it from me to take a wet dream away from someone who seems like they're having plenty of fun on their own, but Antrel made this our problem by going public with a moronic statement like that.

Maybe one day Antrel will learn to shut the fuck up and try to cover someone in an effort to get the taste of Desean Jackson's ass out of his mouth.     

PS- I know it's Aaron Ross in that picture, but I couldn't find one with Antrel and Desean.  I also know Antrel only has 3 career games against Desean Jackson and plays safety, where he will never (if the defensive coordinator has a brain) be matched up one on one with Jackson, so his statement is best considered in the "team context" addressed above.  So in the best case scenario, Rolle's statement is misguided, and at worst, it's an absurdity spewed by a stark-raving mad crazy person.  The Football Ranter leaves such judgments to you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


On this week's installment of HOUUUUUSE!!! we have Michael Boley taking a dropped backwards pass 68 yards to the house. 

Of course, what you will likely be more interested in is his TD celebration, in which he DEMOLISHES this mouth-breather's grill piece with a perfect spiral to his dome.  IN THE FAAAAAAACE!  I don't know who this guy is, or why he wasn't watching Michael Boley run right at him and throw the ball, but keep that head on a swivel next time Broham.  Gotta see the rock coming when the play comes your way. 

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Quote of the Day

“We have to start practicing like it’s the game...because so far, we’ve been playing a lot like we practice.”
                                                                            -Yeremiah Bell, Miami Dolphins Safety

The Miami Dolphins are so bad, (HOW BAD ARE THEY?), that they even suck in practice.  Or perhaps we're misreading the situation?  Is it possible that they're actually practicing sucking?  Those are really the only two possibilities here.  Possibility 1: The Dolphins are a steaming shit-heap in practice and in the games because they're that terrible.  Possibility 2: Tony Sparano is a genius, realizes that his team has a dumpster fire at QB, and decides to tank the season to go for Andrew Luck.  He tells his players to suck in practice (as if he had to) and moves on with life.  Actually since he'll be fired if the Dolphins play this way all year, he's a moron either way.
I guess the moral of this story is that the Miami Dolphins are going to spend most of this season skull-fucking the people who pay to watch them play football.   

Monday, September 19, 2011

Quote of the Day

“The season will not be canceled, as far as I know."
                          -Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach

This came much to the dismay of Chiefs fans everywhere, who were hoping the Chiefs would just give up and take a mulligan on the entire 2011 season rather than run out there to get teabagged on live television again.  Unfortunately for them, it appears the team will still take the field for its final 14 games.  It's never fun to hear "I told you so," but literally everyone on earth predicted a big drop off for KC this year.  Matt "The Problem" Cassel remains the biggest issue though, as he he just can't seem to, ya know, throw the ball to players on his own team.  But there is a silver lining here, Chiefs fans: KC is already tied for first in the Andrew Luck you've got that going for you...which is nice.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Week 2 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter Week 2 Predictions after the jump:

Friday, September 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Basically, we need to do what Jacksonville did last week [on offense]....Really the recipe we’re looking for is very similar to what they did to us.”
                                         -Matt "Matty Nice" Hasselbeck, Tennessee Titans QB

I know what you're thinking, "The Jags?  They a) scored 16 points this weekend and b) blow goats.  Why would anyone choose them as a model offense?"  But I like this strategy by Matty Nice.  He's employing a little thing called, "reverse psychology."  He's gonna make the Ravens think he wants the Tennessee offense to be bad (like the Jaguars) and then what happens?  BOOM!  Secretly been studying the Saints and Packers all week!  Take that right in your fucking grill piece Ravens, you were busy sitting there thinking the Titans were going to suck.  Brilliant!  Go big or go home, Matty!  The Football Ranter is calling it now: upset special!  MATTY NICE OVER THE RAVENS!  MATT-Y NICE!  MATT-Y NICE!  MATT-Y NICE!

PS- Bahaha, FUCK THAT.  The Titans DO blow goats, I have proof.  I'll be shocked if the Ravens don't beat them by literally a million points this weekend.   

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I have three things: old, slow, and it's over.  James Harrison told us that he was 70-to-75 percent, it looked more like 40 percent to me if you are looking at the ballgame I was looking at.  And Hines Ward, [my 13 year old daughter] Mercedes Sapp can cover Hines Ward right now.  Troy Polamalu is trying to grab [Baltimore WR Ed Dickson] to have a pass interference and he can’t even get close enough to grab him.  [It] looked like he was dragging a wagon behind him.  Touchdown Baltimore.  Pittsburgh Steelers done.”
                                                   -Warren Sapp, former Tampa Bay Buccaneers DT

So, the Pittsburgh Steelers are not very good, I guess would be his general thesis here.  Seriously though, maybe step back off the ledge, Warren?  It's only week 1.  I'm willing to bet the Steelers aren't going 0-16.  In fact, they're playing the Seachickens at home this weekend, so let's see how old, slow and over they look then.

But seriously, if they lose to the 'hawks, this team is fucking done. 

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the very first installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We as a team and as an organization, we know that the Washington Redskins is not a better than us.  We know that hands down.  If we played them 100 times, they might win 5.”
                                                                       -Antrel Rolle, NY Giants Safety

Bahahaha!  The Redskins would win 5 out of 100 Antrel?  Pretty funny coming from a guy who had Rex Grossman's dick on his forehead just two days ago.  The Football Ranter cannot stand when players say shit like this- admit you got beat, get back in the film room and bust your ass to get better next time.  "Waaah, they're not better than us, we just sucked and I didn't do my job, waaaah!"  Well you know what that means, Antrel?  It means you fucking sucked and didn't do your job when they did.  That is the very definition of who is better at what they do.  Games aren't scored based on talent level, that's why fans watch football.  So check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes.  (Is that how the cool kids say it?  Does anyone still say that?  Someone help me out here, I'm an old football nerd living in a cave of dominos pizza boxes and empty 2-litres of mountain dew.)     

Tuesday, September 13, 2011



Un-freaking-real.  As if taking the rock 108 yards to paydirt wasn't enough, he got picked up by the shirt halfway through the return by FB John Kuhn to keep the play alive.  Absolutely amazing- the Football Ranter busted a tremendous nut all over the place watching this return.  HOUUUUUUUUSE!!!

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Quote of the Day: Two for Tuesday

"Peyton's at the age now where he recognizes and we recognize that his career is in the homestretch."

"While we fully expect he'll be back and we fully expect he'll be with us next year, it is time that we give the quarterback position some serious consideration."
                                                -Bill Polian, Indianapolis Colts Vice Chairman

Does a season ending injury to your star 35 year old quarterback combined with a colon-blasting debaclation at the hands of your previously hapless division rival put things into perspective?  Bill Polian thinks so.  Consider this the Colts officially declaring themselves eligible for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  Well played, Polian.    

Monday, September 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We win that football game if I don’t do what I did. We lost this game because of me.”
                                                                               -Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys QB

Tony Romo choked on his own dick in a big spot?  No way, that's so unlike him!  Actually no, nevermind, that's exactly like him.  Romo has somehow built a career on buttfucking his own team at all the wrong times and his prowess in this regard was on full display last night against the Jets.  The 'Boys ultimately lost by three, and Tony "Oh No" Romo fumbled at the goal line and threw a back breaking pick to put the J-E-T-S in field goal range with time expiring in the 4th quarter.  I suppose it could have been worse (Revis Island could have taken the pick to the house and ended the game without Nick Folk having to drill a 50 yard field goal), but all in all another choke masterpiece from a true artist.  This is how you blow an NFL game and then swallow defeat, and Romo is the master of blowing and swallowing.  

Friday, September 9, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Rehabilitation from [Peyton Manning's] surgery is typically an involved process. Therefore, there will be no estimation of a return date at this time."
                                                             -Indianapolis Colts Official Press Release

Goodbye to 2011, Indy fans.  The Colts are among the worst, if not the worst, team in the NFL without the Godfather under center.  The only good news for Colts fans is that Indy has just officially announced their entry into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  If they're fortunate, the Colts will get the top pick and create a Brett Favre-Aaron Rodgers situation with Manning and Luck.  If not, the Colts will end up with another year of holding their breath praying for Peyton to stay healthy.  Either way, happy trails 2011 Indy.     

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

“[Cutting David Garrard] is not unlike Jack because he did Byron Leftwich the same way.  If there was ever a coach who needs to be punched in the face for not being truthful to his players, it’s Jack Del Rio.”
                                                        -Hugh Douglas, former Jacksonville Jaguars DE

Call me crazy, but there may be some sort of employment dispute here between Hugh Douglas and Jack of the River.  Regardless, Jack has bigger worries than what Hugh Douglas thinks of him- he's about to start Luke McCown at QB.  That right there should be revenge enough for Hugh Douglas, Byron Leftwich, David Garrard and whoever else Del Rio may have slighted over the years.  We can all look forward to the Jags picking in the top 5 next year and Del Rio getting "Garrarded."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Uuhhh oo it ain’t my fault…blame the genius circus staff for the rush. wouldve been there 2wks ago. Im sry but saga cont”
                                                                   -LaRon Landry, Washington Redskins Safety

First off, if you can decipher that entire tweet from beginning to end, there's a Football Ranters T-Shirt coming your way.  All I caught was something about a circus saga?  Regardless, supposedly this was Landry tweeting about a setback to his hamstring that will keep him out of Sunday's tilt against the G-Men.  Hey LaRon, stop blaming the training staff for your inability to suck it up and play the game.  Ahmad Bradshaw played an entire game on a broken foot.  Curtis Martin won the rushing title while he was dying of old age.  Ray Lewis once played a game with no legs- pure grit and the blood of several virgins carried him through the game.  So stop bitching, put your tampon in, and get back on the fucking field, LaRon.  It's only a hamstring, you didn't shoot yourself in the dick like Plaxico did.    

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Do NOT miss the block by #48 at the thirty yard line to spring this return.  He flat out pancaked his man, pissed on his head, then fucked his wife in his kitchen.  Straight up redonkeykong.

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Quote of the Day

"We are flabbergasted that Tiki has not had an opportunity with any team, especially when rosters were at 90 players this year.  I certainly thought some team would be intrigued to see what he had left in the tank.''
                                                                             -Mark Lepselter, Barber's Agent

Who knew that no one would be intrigued to see nothing?  Ironically, the tank is empty on both of Tiki Barber's careers- football and broadcasting.  What will Tiki do next?  The Football Ranter is betting he moves in with Ronde and the two start a reality TV series where they both open a hair salon called "Barbershop."  I give it 6 months from Ronde's retirement from this show airs and my eyes start to bleed.    

Friday, September 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We didn't draft Cam [Newton] to be the savior.  We drafted him to help lead this football team."
                                                                     -Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers Head Coach

"Haha- but seriously, we drafted him to save this fan base from the shit-laden memories of Jake Delhomme and Jimmy Claussen.  We were one more bad draft away from swapping over to the Canadian Football League," should have been the rest of that quote.   

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I don't have a regular job so don't compare me to you and I can care less if uthink I'm greedy."
                                                                            -Chris Johnson, Tennessee Titans RB

Johnson tweeted this after being heckled on twitter by a number of fans claiming he was bring greedy in his holdout.  The Titans reportedly made an offer to Johnson that would have made him the highest paid running back in the NFL, which Johnson declined.  Regardless, CJ is right- he doesn't have a regular job.  His job is to take the football, run with it to the end zone, then come back and do it again.  He's nothing like construction workers, or teachers, or janitors- who have no idea what it's like to be overworked and underpaid.  Are you fucking serious, CJ?  You want to hold out and ask for more, do it.  That's your right.  But don't ask people to understand or be happy about it.  Most people don't have the luxury of holding out, because if they do, they get fired and their kids don't eat.  So stop crying about all the mean things people are saying about you on twitter, call your agent, and get the fuck back on the field.  It's not a complicated process, hundreds of NFL players figure it out just fine every year.