Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I don't think Carson's a guy who likes to come out in the media and put himself kind of on the stage if he's not serious.  I've known Carson all the way since we played in the Pac-10 together and I haven't known him to be much of a jokester, so I'm thinking he's pretty serious."
                                                                          -Tank Johnson, Bengals' DT

The Football Ranter understands Carson Palmer's desire to make like a tree and get the fuck out of Cincinnati.  After all, the team has a meddling owner that seems to have chosen Al Davis as a role model and a coach who's best resume line is "this team was worse before I got here...mostly."  Really, the entire Mike Brown era in Cincinnati can be summed up by this photo.  But if Palmer believes that he hasn't been a part of why this team has been losing so much since 2005, he is crazier than OchoCinco.  Teams live and die with their quarterbacks and Palmer has been killing the Bengals for almost six years now.  Palmer has been so bad he recently tried to patent the "Pick Six" (his application was denied, Rex Grossman beat him to it).  So Carson, if you don't want to play football anymore, walk away.  It's not worth watching James Harrison blow right past Andre Smith to rip your nuts off and stuff them in your mouth before taking the ball you undoubtedly fumbled the other way for six.  But if you do want to play football, then shut the fuck up and do your job.  The year you turn the clock back and go all 2005 on us is the year the Bengals will be in the AFC championship again.       

2011 NFL Draft Grades 1-5

Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a month to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter will grade all 32 teams' drafts.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades for picks 1-5 after the jump.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The frustration that I have and I am sure the fans have is that the uncertainty continues.  The courts aren't going to resolve our differences. We need to resolve them at the table."
                                                                                           -Roger Goodell

Goodell discussing his latest plan to challenge NFLPA head DeMaurice Smith to a drinking contest, with the winner getting all demands met and the loser spending 3 minutes alone in a small room with Ray Lewis.  

Friday, May 27, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Lep's Jewish, and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing."
                                             -Tiki Barber, referring to the week he lived in his Agent's attic 

Talk about a bad comparison- Tiki is a running back and Anne Frank's biggest problem was that she couldn't run...


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

"FUCK!  FUCK! SHITFUCKASSCOCKFUCK!  Why won't this stupid thing work!  It's more useless than a ride home from Chris Henry's girlfriend!"  (WAYYYYYY too soon?  Probably way too soon.)
                                             -The Football Ranter, upon realizing his computer was beyond repair

Welcome back, lunatics.  As you may have gleaned from today's quote, the Football Ranter's laptop shit the bed, then shit on the Football Ranter, then ran down the street assaulting old ladies while shitting.  But a replacement computer has finally arrived and we're back in action.  It feels good to be back.  Fuck Yea Football Ranter! (EDITOR'S NOTE: BAHAHAHA yea, OK.  Actual photo of the Football Ranter.)

Football Ranter's note: Hey, fuck you!  That's not even what the basement I write in looks like!  I COULD look like that, you don't know me.  I mean- I DO look like the first picture...because it IS me.  See, I can make little notes too, Mr. Editor.  If that is your REAL name...

Damn it feels good to be back.  


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Everybody complaining about the lockout! Shoot I'm making the most of it! Vacation, rest, relaxing, appearances here and there! I'm good!"
                                                    -Reggie Bush

Reggie Bush inadvertently solving the "why has Reggie Bush never reached his potential" mystery for NFL fans everywhere.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It became evident to us as we did our research that Locker was a special guy...his production, leadership and football instincts were very high, and we felt he had a chance to be a special player.''
                                                                   -Mike Reinfeldt, Tennessee Titans' GM
Uhh...yea Mike, you took Locker #8 overall, so we're all very happy that you feel like he "has a chance" to be a special player.  This statement is just like when you take a fat chick home from the bar and then try to convince yourself the next morning that it was actually a good idea. "It became evident once she was on top of me that weighed at least a deuce, deuce-and-a-half, but she had big boobs and was nice to me?  That's good, right?"  Then you come to your senses, realize that you brought home a bovine monstrosity that ate the door handle off your fridge before she lumbered out in the morning.  So that's Jake Locker, Tennessee fans.  Sure, maybe she loses a ton of weight and you become the guy who miraculously ends up with a gorgeous 10 who loves you because you had the vision to see what no one else does.  Or maybe you end up shopping for a fridge that doesn't have teeth marks in it.  I don't know, I'm not a doctor.  

Good luck, Titans fans.  In Jake you trust.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We don't spike the football.''
                 -Barack Obama

The Commander in Chief's explanation for why pictures of Osama Bin Laden's body were not released to the public.  Are you kidding me?  You just killed the most hated man alive after a decade-long search by having Navy SEALs storm his walled compound, slaughter his guards and dismember him with a wooden cooking spoon.  But, "we don't spike the football?"  Let me tell you right now, if the Football Ranter was calling the shots, not only would I have spiked the football, I would have ran over to the cheerleaders and rubbed it on their tits, signed the ball, then filled it with gasoline, lit it on fire and launched it into the stands.  People always say about these outrageous TD celebrations, "Act like you've been there before, bro."  Fuck that, no one has ever been there before, because no one has ever killed Osama Bin Laden before.  This was the one chance to act like a rhino who's been fed nothing but pop rocks and red bull for weeks and the President blew it.  Nice fucking job, Barry Obs.      

Friday, May 6, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now."
                                                      -Bruce Coslet, Bengals' Head Coach during 1997 season

Just like Al Davis drinking the blood of a virgin to sustain himself, Andy Reid slow roasting an entire pig on the sidelines during a game or a Jets player sexually harassing a reporter, some things are a lock to happen every year.   

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We have begun that process and made a decision to head in a different direction...We thank Tom for his 10 years of dedication to our organization and wish him the best in his future endeavors."
                            -Buddy Nix, Buffalo Bills' GM, after firing head scout Tom Modrak 

Well thank goodness that the front office has finally decided to head in a different direction, huh?  I don't know who had the memo that the current direction wasn't working, but thanks for finally passing that sucker along!  Modrak's first round picks during his tenure in Buffalo include the immortal QB J.P. Losman, DT John McCargo, OT Mike Williams (who pretty much signed his contract, ate it at the negotiating table in front of Modrak, then ballooned to 400+lbs and Jamarcus Russelled his way out of the league), WR Roscoe Parrish (a 2nd round pick, but Buffalo had no first rounder that year), RB Marshawn Lynch (who's undisputed best moment in the league thus far came for another team), DE Aaron Maybin (who in two seasons with the Bills has ZERO starts and wait for it, yes, could it be?  Yes, yes it could!  ZERO sacks.  Jets fans, you thought Vernon Gholston was a bust?  Well, actually, you were right.  Gholston was "avert eyes, hide children" awful.  Maybin would still have to go 0 for the season this year to match the ineptitude that was Vernon Gholston.  Plus Gholston was the 6th overall pick and Maybin didn't come off the board until #11.  So not to shit all over Jets fans or anything, but uhh...Gholston was as good at finding the QB as Madonna was at finding the fountain of youth.  That bitch is old (JESUS!  WHAT IS THAT THING?  KILL IT!  KILL IT WITH FIRE!).  But I digress.  Right, Aaron Maybin: not a good pick.  Moving on.) and RB C.J. Spiller, which requires no explanation whatsoever, we all know that pick was "Charles Barkley Turrible." 

In any case, this is a Matt Millen-esque firing for the Bills.  Now if only they could change owners and relocate an entire city to somewhere other than a frozen wasteland on the border of socialist mapleleaftopia, Bills fans would be ecstatic.  What's that?  The Bills are probably going to move to an even colder location right in the heart of America's Hat where people care even less about football than they do in Buffalo?  Well uh, enjoy that!   

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We are petitioning the NFL to let Sam wear number five, so he can be Sam Acho Cinco.''
                                                                 -Ken Whisenhunt, Cardinals' Head Coach 

Wisenhunt let this gem go after the Cardinals took pass rusher Sam Acho in the 4th round.  The Football Ranter has no joke that tops what Wisenhunt said there.  Well played, sir.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We need more negotiating and less litigating."
                         -Roger Goodell

Yes Roger, if I was getting slapped by the long dick of the law in court, I would want to get out of there and head back to the negotiating table too. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think where we are as an organization, we are going with Tim [Tebow]."
                                  -John Elway, Broncos' Executive VP of Football Operations

Translation:  Josh McDaniels face-raped this roster and we need two to three more drafts to get this team to the playoffs.  Starting Kyle Orton this year certainly isn't going to help us get the worst record in the league, draft Andrew Luck next year and then cut Tim Tebow's useless, left-handed-dying-duck-throwing-ass.  So yes, based upon where we are and what our plan is...we are going with Tim.