Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Site!

Good morning loyal Lunatics-

We've moved over to a new (read: legitimate) website now: www.footballranters.com.

All posts will be over there now, and we'll redirect all traffic from this site to the new one soon.

Until then, check us out at www.footballranters.com

See you there, Lunatics.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I am innocent of those charges.  I could say that I have done some of those things.  I have horsed around with kids.  I have showered after workouts.  I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact....I shouldn't have showered with those kids."
                                                             -Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State defensive coordinator

As you may have gleaned to this point, Lunatics, I generally couldn't care less about college football.  Unless it related to the NFL draft, I just don't give a shit.  But despite that, I felt compelled to rip this to shreds as the quote of the day because of the absurd, unabashed stupidity inherent in the statement. 

So here goes: What?  How for fucks sake can you have the following two sentences in that statement: 1) "I am innocent of those charges."  2) "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."  Hey, pedodoucher, isn't showering with a kid that's NOT YOURS pedophilia in and of itself?  What did you get a fucking permission slip from their parents first?  Yea I'm just going to go ahead and say that's probably not what happened. 

The only question left here is what kind of punishment to hand down?  Obviously modern justice is totally inadequate to handle a situation like this, and I feel like just letting Sandusky get raped and killed in prison is kind of a cop-out too.  I really think we need to either get creative with it or go completely old school.  I would be fine with some ancient Asian torture, like putting a mouse on his stomach, an iron pot over it, and starting a fire on top of the pot so that the mouse eats its way out the other side.  Or maybe what Filipino rebels did to captured US soldiers during a war most people don't even know happened- bury Sandusky up to his neck in an ant-hill and let fire ants eat his face.  But those are pretty grisly and I've always believed someone deserves a shot to prove their innocence.  So I think we go in another direction and just put him in situations where, if he survives, he's innocent!  Just spitballing here, but maybe let's have him do the running of the bulls in Spain in a potato sack?  Force him into a dick-slapping contest with Patrick Ewing?  Force him to re-watch that Week 7 Browns-Seachickens matchup?  What do you think, Lunatics?  Come up with something fun and interesting and let's see what we can do.

Until then, I guess we'll just have to settle for "modern justice."  Whatever that means.           

PS- is "I shouldn't have showered with those kids" the single most egregious understatement in human history?  It has to be that, "You're going to need a bigger boat," or Nixon's "I am not a crook" duking it out for the top spot.  And only one of those other statements were even said by real people.   


 

Monday, November 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“If you’re going to grab my helmet and threaten my career, I’m going to come after you.  You have to do something.  When you are going after my livelihood, my neck, and you’re trying to hurt me, I just can’t let that go.”
                                                                             -D.J. Moore, Chicago Bears safety

In case you didn't see it, here's a link to the video of Moore trying to spear Matthew Stafford only fail, look like a retard, and then get his ass kicked by several Detroit Lions

My initial reaction here was to call DJ Moore a huge pussy for getting his ass handed to him by a quarterback.  But then I did a little research: Matthew Stafford is 6'2 230lbs.  DJ Moore?  5'10 185lbs.  So you're telling me that a guy with 50lbs and 4 inches of reach had to grab the other dude by his facemask to pull him down?  Stafford, you gigantic untrimmed vagina!  FIFTY POUNDS!  And then you somehow manage to get HIM ejected?  I'd be furious if I wasn't the type of douchebag that appreciates when other people snake their way into great situations.  So nicely done on that count, but he still strikes me as the type of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give them a reach around.  (That link has very NSFW language in it.)

But you're still a big vagine.    

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Week 10 NFL Picks

Good afternoon, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 10 NFL picks, including the Degenerate Gambler Angles.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm excited, you know.  This is where I should have been like three years ago.  But I think all good things come to somebody that waits."
                                           -Albert Haynesworth, now Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle

...on the couch with a 5 gallon drum of cherry garcia.  "This is where I should have been three years ago"?  Wow.  OK, Albert.  Just go ahead and shit all over the team that paid you over $40 million to sit on your ass and demolish the buffet at Long John Silver's again and again.  Pretty sure Red Lobster in D.C. had to cancel their "endless shrimp" deal while Fat Albert was a Redskin.  Hey Albert, the ocean called -- they're running out of shrimp.

Let me say this in no uncertain terms: Albert Haynesworth is the lowest form of life that can exist in the NFL.  He's in that deepest circle of NFL hell reserved for Jamarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf.  He's spoiled, entitled, delusional about why he's been let go by three teams now, and if I thought hitting him with a truck would do anything other than lead to me having a truck with big bite marks in it, I'd drive an 18 wheeler into his mountainous gut.  The sooner he retires, the happier I'll be. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Factory of Sadness

Never before has the pain the Cleveland Browns inflict upon their fans been more eloquently and hilariously stated.  This gets the Football Ranters' highest level of recommendation.


Power Rankings: Week 9

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 9 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“I was always a [John] Skelton fan even when I was there.  I was pulling for the guy.  I know what he’s capable of doing.  I know he can run this offense real good.  And he does have a big arm.”
                                                   -Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Philadelphia Eagles cornerback

Following these comments, DRC went on to complain about his role playing the slot receiver for the Eagles, saying he was "mad" and that he would prefer to "play outside."  Pop quiz for the Lunatics: which of these things is an indictment of DRC's ability at cornerback: a) that the Cardinals traded him plus a 2nd round pick for a QB with 8 career starts; b) that he's griping about his situation despite the fact that he's on a 3-5 team still in the division hunt and no longer on a 2-6 team well out of the race; c) that he was straight up torched by Earl Bennett and the corpse of Roy Williams on Monday Night, even going so far as to give up on a tackle over the middle; or d) hey asshole, we get it, all of these are reasons he gargles grundle-sweat at cornerback?

Yea, you got it.  The answer is d.  He's not playing like the 16th overall pick of the 2008 draft.  He's playing more like the 216th overall pick -- and bitching about it.  So DRC: shut up and stop playing like a bitch.  Then maybe Andy Reid will stop treating you like one.         

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

HOUUUUUUSE!!!

The Football Ranter's Football hard-on for Patrick Peterson grows.  What a return, and with the game on the line!  What great play-by-play too -- someone call Joe Buck and tell him this is how a non-robot calls a huge moment in a game.


HOUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!

Podcast

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Football Ranters' Week 9 Podcast!

http://webtalkradio.net/shows/football-ranters/

We do the podcast every Tuesday night, so it will be up every Wednesday evening.  As always, feel free to comment or email us at the link above to tell us we're douchebags. 



Quote of the Day

“You’re doing good.  You’re doing good.  Just keep playing hard.  That’s all I want.”
                                                              -Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback

Bahaha!  "You're doing good"?  By what metric?  Brady reportedly said this to much-maligned wideout Chad OchoSucko following a botched 3rd and 7 play during the Giants-Pats contest on Sunday.  I know this is what Brady should do.  Good leaders encourage their teammates and try to get the most out of them.  So I truly commend Tom Terrific for going out and trying to say something convincingly that he had no reason to believe, the fans didn't believe, and even Ochosucko himself didn't believe.  Calling the Wide-Receiver-Formerly-Known-as-Chad Johnson's performance to this point "filthy stinking garbage" is an insult to actual filthy stinking garbage. 

The Pats cut ties with Fat Albert Haynesworth yesterday and they should just turn this into "dump underachieving jackoff" week in Foxboro and cut Ochosucko's useless ass too.  Let's face it, the Pats have scored 20 points or less in three straight games -- their problems aren't confined to the defense anymore.      

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Sunday] was the first time I saw the New York Jets defense look like what I thought the New York Jets defense was going to look like all season long."
                                                                                           -Chris Collinsworth

When did Chris Collinsworth turn into Tim McCarver?  I swear there was a time I used to enjoy his analysis, I just can't figure out when or why.  Hey Chris, did you not watch the Jets ass-ram the Jags at home 32-3?  That shit happened in week 2!  What about the 24-6 teabagging of the Dolphins?  Bitch that was only three weeks ago!  Get a fucking clue, Collinsworth.  I'm sorry the Jets don't play in a media juggernaut like Cincinnati where you would be able to watch their games.  It's not as if the Dolphins game was nationally televised on Monday Night Football or anything. 

Next up from Collinsworth after Aaron Rodgers mutilates the Vikings this weekend: "This is the first time I saw Aaron Rodgers throw the ball like Aaron Rodgers since he threw the ball like Aaron Rodgers the last time he threw the ball like Aaron Rodgers."

Dynamite work, Chris -- that broadcasting school in the offseason really paid off.        

Monday, November 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"This Steelers-Ravens game is a game for men, big men.  And nobody shined more brightly tonight than Joe Flacco.''
                                                  -John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens Head Coach

Between Harbaugh saying only men, BIG MEN, can play, Flacco shining rainbow-bright, Terrell Suggs' red-hot piss, and Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin saying the only thing he can say for sure is that the training room will be a mess on Monday, I'm starting to think that a little more goes on at a Steelers-Ravens game than just football... 

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Week 9 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 9 picks, including the Degenerate Gambler Angles.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We’re a 2-5 team, and a quarterback’s [job] is to help the team win as much as possible.  We’ve still got a lot of work to do, but 2-5 is failing.  So I guess I got an F right now.”
                                                              -Tarvaris Jackson, Seattle Seachickens quarterback

I...I uhh...I got nothin'.  He totally beat me to it, and it's killing me on the inside.  I mean just a brilliant move by Tarvaris here.  How do you stop the Football Ranter from reciting your 6.8 YPA, 1:1 TD to INT ratio and 78.5 QB rating and telling everyone you gobble cock like a champion?  Tell everyone first!  That sand baggin' son of a bitch, he pulled a fast one on me!   

Well, I guess sometimes you just gotta tip your cap and move on.  So well done, Tarvaris.  Play on, playa.   

 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 8

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 8 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“Ravens-Steelers gets everybody’s piss hot.  We know what this game’s about.  F–k it.  Let’s do it!”
                                                                                   -Terrell Suggs, Baltimore Ravens ROLB

Suggs then jumped up, ripped his shirt in half and hurled a folding chair at the radio host before crashing through a glass window to escape the studio.  He was last seen causing widespread property damage to downtown Baltimore and screaming for Hines Ward to "come out and fight him like a man."

Officials recommend staying indoors and away from your windows.       

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I know I'm loyal to my teammates and my team are my guys, but it doesn't seem like the organization is to me.  But that doesn't keep me from going out on the field and putting my best out there...I learned that it really is a business and that they really don't care about your personal life or anything like that.  It's the National Football League and these organizations are in a business.  That's the bad part about it."
                                                                                     -Matt Forte, Chicago Bears RB

The only difference between the St. Louis Rams' offense and the Chicago Bears' offense is Matt Forte.  The team has no wideouts, no offensive linemen, and a quarterback that's likely to be straight up murdered by opposing pass rushers due to said lack of an o-line and wide receivers.  So Chicago should pay this man, right?  Well, sort of.  RBs have the shelf-life of a gallon of milk.  It rarely makes sense to give big money to one (see Williams, Deangelo; Johnson, Chris).  Especially when you have such a convenient out: the franchise tag.  Teams can franchise tag one player for up to two straight years and pay him the average of the top 5 players at his position.  Since Da Bears would more or less have to pay Forte that anyway in a big new deal, why not simply go year to year and lower the teams' risk exposure?  It's a trick question -- there's no reason not to and it's likely that's what they'll do.  Unless Forte decides he's willing to hold out rather than play under the franchise tag, of course.

So basically, Forte gets fucked here.  He loses two years of his prime and doesn't get a long term deal.  Such is life for an NFL running back.   

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I haven't had [a fumbled snap] in years.  It's unfortunate.  I dropped it.  This one is rough.  You blow it on a play that never should have happened...Worst day ever."
                                                               -Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers quarterback
 
Mmmmmmmmm...your tears sustain me!  NOM NOM NOM.  For those of you who didn't see the game last night, the Bolts had the football at the KC 15 yard line with 50 seconds left, and the Chiefs were out of time outs.  Rivers took the snap, handed the ball off, then trotted off the field and watched Nick Novak boot a game-winning 32-yard field goal fumbled the snap under center, gave the ball back to KC and then lost the game in overtime after winning the coin toss and getting the ball first. 

Normally this is where I'd rip off a few lines about how many dicks Norv Turner sucks, how "classic Norv Turner-Chargers" this is and then end with some witty line about how predictable this ending was.  But you know what?  I have a confession to make: the Chargers actually made me forget who they were last night.  After their furious late 4th quarter comeback, I actually forgot that they were the Norv Turner Chargers.  It was embarrassing, I admit it.  Like that one time every time I finish before the girl Japanese body pillow does during sex.  But just like the sex, that feeling didn't last very long -- Rivers coughed up the snap, the Chargers collapsed, and I remembered exactly who we were dealing with.

So go about your day in peace, Lunatics.  All is right with the world again.          

Monday, October 31, 2011

Quote of the Day

“[Tim]  Tebow played as ineptly as any sorry excuse for a pro quarterback possibly could. He was laughably bad.  Those five wonderful minutes against Miami now look like an aberration. Right here, right now, he is the worst quarterback in the NFL.”
                                                                 -Mark Kiszla, Columnist at the Denver Post

Bahaha!  Has anyone in the history of mankind ever been betrayed more quickly by those close to them?  Actually, one person does come to mind.  Ooh...awkward...

But really, can we have people back off the ledge just a fucking bit one way or the other?  I mean, I've been hating on Tebow since even before he was drafted.  For me, this kind of statement would be both expected and normal.  But for a beat writer who probably spent last week polishing the head of Tebow's dick with his mouth, this just feels wrong.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this is basically Tebow's rookie year.  Give him the full season and then make your evaluation of him.  Do I believe at that point it will be fair to say he's the worst QB in the NFL?  Probably.  But if you're a Denver fan and especially if you're a Denver beat writer, Tebowmania deserves the rest of the year, no?  It's not like this team was headed to the playoffs this year anyway.  So step off the ledge, Mark Kiszla -- we're just not there yet.     

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Week 8 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's Week 8 NFL picks including the degenerate gambler angle. 

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Reports released [regarding Terrell Owens' suicide attempt] with the 911 call (Thursday) are misleading and not factual."
                                                                        -Diana Bianchini, T.O.'s publicist


T.O. is 37 years old, spent last year catching dying ducks from Carson Palmer on a 4-12 Bengals team, then blew out his ACL doing...well nothing.  Then he rehabs and holds a workout only to have zero NFL teams attend, even though he caught 72 balls for 983 yards and 9 TDs last year.  So I guess my only question here is...why not just go through with it?  I mean, it can't really get much worse for T.O. given how things are going.  Maybe just take a long walk off a short pier and see where things go?  I dunno, just food for thought.

PS- OK I admit, that was harsh even for me.  Suicide is no laughing matter.

PPS- Unless it's this.

Power Rankings: Week 7

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 7 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We have a stable of young horses that can run and guys that can just move. Very young, very inexperienced but tons of potential and it's tough to give up a young guy with a lot of potential for a guy that's got a lot of history in the league that's in his late 30s so I can't see him coming here, but I had a good time playing with him and he's an explosive player himself."
                                                             -Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders quarterback

BAHAHA!  Very nicely done, Carson.  It's obvious those years of public relations training have paid off, because this is one of the best understated rips of all time.  Lets translate this gem line by line, shall we?


"We have a stable of young horses that can run and guys that can just move."

Translation: We have a bunch of track stars that couldn't catch a cold if they were trying.

"Very young, very inexperienced but tons of potential"

Translation: They make stupid mistakes that make their quarterback want to kill them, but he can't because he's too slow to catch them.

"It's tough to give up a young guy with a lot of potential for a guy that's got a lot of history in the league that's in his late 30's" 

Translation: I like dudes.  But I prefer younger dudes that haven't gotten around as much to dudes that probably have herpes because they're the NFL's village bicycle.  (Side note: why Carson suddenly slipped into a diatribe about his personal life, I don't know.  But if you doubt in any way that this is what he was really talking about, I direct your attention to Exhibit A.)  (Editor's note: not that there's anything wrong with that.)

"so I can't see him coming here"

Translation: Please, Raiders executives, do not trade for this man.  If you do, it's definitive proof for me that there is no god.

"But I had a good time playing with him and he's an explosive player himself."

Translation: But I had a good time playing with him and he exploded all over my sheets.

I'm just not sure this was really what the reporters were looking for when they went down this line of questioning.  But hey, to each their own.  Far be it from me to criticize someone else for getting their freak on, even if it's with T.O.  I confine my criticism of Carson Palmer to his train-wreck decision making and noodle-arm.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I can’t even fathom those thoughts of those people that conjure up that ["Suck for Luck"] stuff.  They have never played sports and pretty much aren’t really our loyal fans.  I can’t really put any weight into that and I know the players don’t listen to it.  It’s a shame, but people are going to talk and we just have to block that out.”
                                                   -Anthony Fasano, Miami Dolphins Tight End

The stupidity inherent in this statement is of such a serious nature that I refuse to include a joke here.  I'm going to very clear: Anthony Fasano is an idiot.  If he believes rooting for your quarterback-less team to suck so that they can secure a once-a-decade QB prospect is foolish, he's not paying attention to how teams win in the NFL.  Think Colts fans were wrong to root for losses in 1997?  How about the Giants, Steelers, or Chargers in 2003?  Or even the Falcons in 2007?  Hey Anthony: wake the fuck up.  Having a miserable season at just the right time can come to define a franchise. 

And what would you have those same fans do here?  Keep paying their hard earned cash to watch a piece of shit product on the field, root for wins, and then only have it be to their long term detriment when the team goes 5-11 instead of 3-13?  Missing the playoffs is missing the playoffs, Anthony.  Once your team isn't in the big dance, not only is there nothing wrong with rooting for losses, it's entirely logical and appropriate to do so.  Real fans want to see sustained success for their franchise.  Since you've never been on a team that enjoyed that, I know you have no idea what that means.  Someday, many years after you retire, I hope you'll figure that out.  In the meantime, just go back to doing what you do on the field -- nothing. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

Check it out- a flat out mugging (and possible rape) of Dustin Keller by Donald Butler.


HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter on the radio tonight!

http://tobtr.com/s/2476553

Call in, Lunatics!

Quote of the Day

“It baffles me that Ray Rice only had seven carries.  This is a Pro Bowl running back we’re talking about.  You’ve got to feed the horse.  They fed their horse.  We got to feed our horse.  He’s a good guy.  He wants the ball.  I think we should feed him.  Ray Rice is a phenomenal player.  You’ve got to use your phenomenal players.”
                                                                     -Terrell Suggs, Baltimore Ravens ROLB

"Feed the horse" is officially my new favorite euphemism for running the football.  Better than "pound the rock".  Love it.  Unfortunately, he's dead wrong here.  Ray Rice had eight carries, not seven.  Totally changes his entire analysis and ruins his wonderful horse analogy.  The difference between seven and eight carries is like the difference between "just the tip" and "whoops, forgot to pull out."  So close, Terrell.  So close

Haha, just kidding -- Terrell Suggs has never been more right about anything in his entire life.  How on god's green fucking earth do you only hand Ray Rice the ball eight times in a non-blow out?  Who's calling the plays for the Ravens?  Mr. Magoo?  Oh, wait.  It actually kind of is Mr. Magoo.  But seriously, Joe Flacco is garbage.  He can't get out of his own way to save his life, and Cam "Mr. Magoo" Cameron, a supposed offensive guru, has him throw 38 times for 3.6 yards per attempt.  Meanwhile Ray Rice gets the ball eight times.  Cam's title is 50% right: his play calling was offensive (see what I did there?  Eh?).  But frankly, I'm not sure you can hang on to the "guru" title when a brain damaged turkey being fed nothing but four loko intravenously would hand the ball to Ray Rice more than 8 times.

And no, I'm not bitter about saying the Ravens would dominate another bad team.  Go fuck yourself, Mr. Magoo. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Mark Sanchez, under the pressure of the San Diego defense, will be benched [in week 7]."
                                            -Michael Irvin, former Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver

Bam!  How's that Dirty Sanchize asshole taste, Irvin?  I haven't seen someone be forced to toss a salad like that since Mike Tyson invited me on a tour of his prison stint.  But seriously, is Irvin smoking crack (again)?  Everyone on earth knew how that game was going to play out.  These two teams line up perfectly: the Chargers look great for three quarters then find a way to lose.  The Jets are literally the exact opposite.  Well look at that, the Jets launched a furious 4th quarter comeback and the Bolts choked with the game on the line.  The ending of Titanic was less predictable.  

So well done Norv Turner/Philip Rivers, you made Michael Irvin look like an idiot.  Actually, he didn't really need help.  So nevermind, you remain totally and utterly fucking worthless. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Week 7 Picks

Good morning, Lunatics.  Apologies for the late posting of the picks, it's been a rough work week for the Ranter.  Damn the man/the establishment/running a business, and all that.  Anyway, go fuck yourselves.  Oh, and here are the Football Ranter's week 7 NFL picks, including the degenerate gambler angle.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think in part because the league doesn't want certain games to be played without certain quarterbacks.  No offense to the other [New England] Patriots, but who's gong to watch the Patriots without Tom Brady and the Saints without Drew Brees.  That's the way it is.  They want to protect those guys because they are the marquee guys of this league, and you don't want them to get hurt."
                                                -Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers marquee quarterback

I don't know what's more patently absurd, that Big Ben here thinks he's not in that protected group of "marquee QBs," or that he doesn't realize the Pats went 11-5 the year Tom Brady played one quarter of football.  Newsflash Big Rapist: the league doesn't hand out a memo on which "marquee QBs" are to be protected and which are left to rot.  The officials make mistakes just like any human being does.  Granted, these "mistakes" are often based upon personal, racial, or gambling based prejudices.  Or in the case of the officials not calling penalties for hitting Mike Vick, all of the above.

Either way, Ben Roethlisberger is fat and he probably raped a chick and initiated a cover up of the whole thing, then got married just months later.  These are facts.

Power Rankings: Week 6

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Apologies for the late post, I got stuck at work until late the last few days.  We finally have the post-week 6 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Quote of the Day: Thursday Double!

“Well, I think I would have had a couple rings [if I had coached the 2007-2010 San Diego Chargers].  I’m telling you, those teams were loaded.”
                                                              -Rex Ryan, New York Jets Head Coach

“I hadn’t seen his quote and I was a little bit surprised by the call, and then after I saw the quote, I didn’t have a chance to ask him this, but I was wondering if he had those rings with the ones he’s guaranteed the last couple of years.”
                                                             -Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers Head Coach

So to be fair, Rex also said a lot of positive, complimentary, back-track type things about Norv Turner immediately after giving that nice little sound byte.  But where's the fun in worrying about that, right?  I don't really get this spat between Rex and Norv.  How much dick Norv Turner sucks as a head coach is well documented, and while Rex has done a much better job with a lot less talent, he's got the same number of rings as Norv: zero. 

Quite frankly, I'm totally fucking done with both of these jerkoffs.  Rex, just shut up until you win a Superbowl, then say anything you want.  Hell once you've got a ring, you can foot-fuck your wife on national TV for all I care, just shut up until then.  And Norv, you are terrible.  You probably should have won at least one Superbowl by now.  You had the #1 offense and #1 defense in the NFL last year and failed to make the playoffs.  That's a choke-job that didn't get nearly enough national attention.  So just do us all a favor and go play in traffic so the Chargers can hire someone competent.  Just get Beavis and Butthead here out of my life.

HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

Good Morning, Lunatics!  A loyal reader pointed out that I neglected to post the HOUSE! video from this week, so here it is:


HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Quote of the Day

"As far as the draft picks, what we have to give up, I never hesitated because I know exactly what I'm getting.  I don't think you're ever mortgaging the future when you put a big-time franchise quarterback on your team.  [It's] the greatest trade in football."
                                                                        -Hue Jackson, Oakland Raiders Head Coach

As you may know, Al Davis the Oakland Raiders traded a 2012 first round pick, and a conditional 2013 second round pick (which becomes a 1st rounder if the Raiders win the AFC Championship game) for the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer.  This does nothing to quell my doubts that Al Davis never really died, but instead remains in some sort of suspended animation in the dungeon-basement of the Oakland Colosseum where he continues to give orders to executives by blinking a particular number of times for "yes" and "no" while being fed virgin blood intravenously. 

Just to be clear, there was a time that Carson Palmer was an elite NFL quarterback.  Unfortunately, that time passed when Pittsburgh Steelers DE Kimo Von Oelhoffen debacled Palmer's knee in the 2005 NFL playoffs.  Palmer was never the same again after that, so giving up multiple first rounders (or a 1st and a 2nd at best) for a man that is no longer a viable starting quarterback in the NFL has no foundation in logic.  The Raiders have given away almost their entire 2012 NFL draft, and they are NOT close to winning the Superbowl.  Their defense sucks and they now have a soon-to-be 32 year old QB who doesn't know the system and hasn't played football in 12 months.  I'd say this move reeks of desperation, but it's worse than that -- it just stinks like mildew-laden shit.  So uhh...congrats on giving away the future, Oakland.  This is one of the most inexplicably short sighted moves I've ever had the privilege of commenting on.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio tonight at 11pm!

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Call in, Lunatics!

Quote of the Day

“On Detroit-SF coach incident, fortunately, there was no fighting and thus no basis for a fine.  However, both coaches told Ray Anderson today that their post-game conduct was wrong and will not happen again.”
                                                                       -Greg Aiello, NFL Spokesman

I know I'm absolutely the first one to rip people who always inject racist/sexist/communist undertones into every situation, but for once I'm jumping on that train.  Sort of.  If two players had started a shoving match during the end of game hand shake, Roger Goodell would have slapped them so hard with the long dick of NFL discipline that they'd have to ice the mushroom tattoos on their cheeks.  But since it's two coaches (insert two white, male head coaches if prefer), they get a warning?  I just puked in my office trashcan from how hypocritical this is.  The players should be absolutely outraged.  Both coaches told the league it was wrong and won't happen again huh?  Well isn't that fucking bonkers for them then.  I wonder if Roethlisberger, Vick or Plaxico had tried that same line- how would that have worked out?  Oh wait, I'm sure they did and they missed a combined 4 years of football.  Granted, what they did was far worse, but if you're going to hand out discipline, do it fairly -- not like a giant douchebag.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Quote of the Day

“This game was decided right down there at the end, and I am so proud of these players, the way they competed tonight.  We rolled the dice at the end and went conservative rather than try to get some points and it bit us.”
                                                                 -Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys Owner

Poor Jason Garrett.  The fans/media/apparently Jerry Jones just have a raging boner for shitting all over him.  The guy just can't win no matter what he does.  Last week against the Lions he gets ripped for not running the ball in the second half.  This week he runs the ball to get the Pats to burn their timeouts and he gets ripped for not letting his guaranteed-to-choke QB sling the ball around.  Here's a message to the people saying the Cowboys should have thrown the ball on 3rd and 18 last night: get your head examined.  The odds of converting on that play are minimal, and the odds the pass goes incomplete or gets picked are much, much better.  If that happened, all anyone would be saying is how Garrett was an idiot for not running the ball and trusting his defense.  If you're a Cowboys fan, blame the offense for only putting up 16 points against a bad defense.  It wasn't about what happened on that last drive, it was the sleepwalking, sloppy knob-job the Dallas offense pulled throughout the rest of the game.

Oh, and not to let the Patriots off the hook, but Dallas plays like liquid monkey shit and you can't even cover the fucking spread?  Are you joking?  What did Brady bet on the game?  Sweet fancy fucking moses.  Brady you're on my shit list this week.     

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Week 6 Picks

Happy Saturday, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 6 picks below, including the degenerate gambler angle.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I may be criticized again for saying it, but it starts up front.  The big guys know it.  If they give Mark [Sanchez] enough time to sit in the pocket and complete passes, I think everything changes.”
                                                             -Santonio Holmes, New York Jets Wide Receiver

You know it's funny, I don't recall Santonio complaining about the Jets o-line last year.  Someone should probably inform him of the fact that Mark Sanchez' numbers this year are actually slightly better than his career averages.  Hey, Santonio, Mark Sanchez isn't the issue (well, he is, but the Jets have won despite his playing like shit for more or less his entire career so far).  The issue is that the Jets can't run the football to help make up for mistakes that Sanchez is making in the passing game.  Also, it would help if your buddy Plaxico didn't drop like 1000 balls during the game.  That's not helping your QB out at all either.

So I guess my overall thesis here is, shut up bitch!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 5

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 5 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

"I think in my time in Miami I went through four or five quarterbacks and didn’t play as much.  Being here, with Tom [Brady], in this offense, I am not going to sit here and say I’d have the same numbers.  No way.”
                                                             -Wes Welker, New England Patriots Wide Receiver

During his new daily media segment "Breaking News," Welker went on to say that the sky is blue, women don't get paid the same amount as men for the same work, and Ray Lewis killed a guy.  Tomorrow's segment, "Clouds: they make it not sunny" will air at 10am.

PS- If Ray Lewis is reading this, sweet baby jesus please don't hurt me.   

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Tebow has proved to a lot of people that he’s a premier competitor, he’s a great game day clutch, hard-nosed football player.
                                                                                         -Jon Gruden

Wow, isn't that nice for Tim Tebow?  He can run home and put that right up on the fridge for his parents to see after school.  This is the type of mainstream media analysis that makes me want to puke in my office trashcan.  Great game day clutch competitor?  That's special.  Guess what?  Don't give a shit.  The NFL is all about winning and if you don't perform and win then you're nothing.  I don't care if Tim Tebow helps orphans, then beats up Chuck Norris before giving an inspiring speech to his teammates, who are so moved that they offer up their wives who Tim Tebow won't fuck.  Tim Tebow has racked up a whopping (SARCASM) 92 pass attempts in his professional career.  And you know what?  He's actually been pretty good: 6TDs, 3 picks, 84.2 QB rating, 8.0 yards per attempt.  That also doesn't include his 6 rushing TDs in that span.

So Jon Gruden can go off into the woodshed with Matt Millen and discuss how manly Tim Tebow is, compare chest-manes and then blow each other for all I care.  The numbers are what counts and what should be highlighted about Tim Tebow so far -- not this drivel about how "great a competitor" he is.   

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio at 11pm tonight!

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Call in, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day

“Defensively, we stink. We can’t stop the run, we can’t stop the pass, the quarterback took a snap, he handed it to the guy, and he ran 88 yards without being touched.  That’s what I saw. I don’t know why it happened, but that’s what I saw.”
                                                          -Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears Linebacker

I give Urlacher's rant a 3.5 out of 10.  He completely forgot to discuss how bad they are on offense, and he didn't mention Jay Cutler being a pussy.  Really, special teams is the only phase of the game in which this team excels.  The Russian judge is shaking his head and holding up a 2.0.  Pretty sure the French judge fell asleep with his dick in a baguette.  We'll call that a 1.5.  Pretty much a fair referendum on how this entire Bears season has been so far: sleep-inducing and supremely disappointing for the fans.  The only positive you can really take away is that Jay Cutler hasn't succumbed to diabeetus yet.  Plus Detroit is actually good now, so if mass-suicide becomes trendy in the windy city this year, don't be surprised.  Just kidding, suicide isn't funny.

PS- But seriously -- consider jumping in front of a bus, Bears fans.  

Monday, October 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The Oakland Raiders are deeply saddened by the passing of Al Davis.  Al Davis was unique, a maverick, a giant among giants, a true legend among legends, the brightest star among stars, a hero, a mentor, a friend."
                                                                -Oakland Raiders Official Statement

I have a confession, Lunatics.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but...I was actually unaware that Al Davis was still alive to this point.  I had seen this photo and assumed he was dead when it was taken.  Plus the drafting of Jamarcus Russell and Darius Heyward-Bey, plus that Richard Seymour trade...I don't know.  I guess I just kinda assumed no living human would do all of those things.  So uhh...that one's on the Football Ranter.  Hey- you win some, you lose some.  I'll take the loss on that one in Al's honor.

OK, now that we got the insensitive joke portion of the Rant out of the way, let's be serious.  Yes, in recent years Al Davis had morphed into a demented version of Mr. Burns, but I would be remiss in not mentioning what he did for the game of football during his (very) long career.  He used the game to advance civil rights at a time when doing so wasn't the popular move -- he refused to have the team play a game in segregationist Mobile, Alabama in 1963.  He was the first person to hire an African American head coach, a Latino head coach, and promote a woman to Chief executive.  Whatever happened in his later years, he was clearly a man who did what he felt was right and what was best for the game and the Raiders.  An icon (and a quote machine) is now lost to us.  For that, Al Davis, the Football Ranter salutes you.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Week 5 Picks

Good morning, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter game picks for week 5 including the degenerate gambler angles.  All lines are accurate as of this morning.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"While I feel an honest respect for all NFL players, I show no remorse in cheering against another team, especially the Cowboys.  If it sounded like I was delighted by Tony Romo's failure last week, I was."
                                                                  -Chris Cooley, Washington Redskins Tight End
 
 HATE HATE HATE HATE!  Nothing like a bitch fight between a suck-ass who's losing his job to Fred Davis and a choke artist who can't win when it matters most.  The only problem is, it's not really a fight.  Cooley is just shitting all over Tony Sucko while the latter sits there and says, "okay then."  It almost removes the fun of it....almost.  But seriously, Chris Cooley may want to focus more on his on-field play, because Fred Davis is rapidly emerging as a non-scrub while Cooley is becoming someone who's more famous for what he does off the field than on it.  Cooley has seven receptions for 66 yards and no TDs this year.  Not exactly inspired play from a guy talking this much shit.  But then again, according to certified Hateologist Ice-T, "that's what real hatin' is all about."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think the 'Dream Team' -- that word is dead now....We're one of the teams that has to scratch and kick from the bottom now and try to figure out how we're going to get ourselves back to a position where we can compete with the best teams in this league."
                                                                   -Mike Vick, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback 

Well that was quick!  Backing off the Dream Team label just four games in?  I mean yea, the team is 1-3 and they just blew the Niners at home and swallowed a huge mouthful of defeat, but still.  When you open the year billing yourselves as the greatest team to ever step on the field, you have to hold on to that swagger like Gollum held onto the Ring, or like Al Davis grips control of the Raiders

So don't back down, Mike.  Tell everyone you're losing on purpose to give the rest of the league hope and that the team is going 12-0 from here on out.  Basically the Eagles are pulling a junk-punch on the rest of league.     

Power Rankings: Week 4

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 4 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Quote of the Day

“The fun will be in February when you guys are interviewing us up in Indy [at the Superbowl].  That’ll be fun.  Very bold prediction.  But I'm gonna stand by it.”
                                         -Tim Hightower, Washington Redskins running back

Bold indeed from a guy who's a) hurt, b) averaging 3.5 yards per carry, and c) rapidly losing his job to Ryan Torain and/or Roy Helu.  But hey, can you blame him?  Four games in and 3-1, this is probably the closest the Redskins will be to the Superbowl all year.  Despite the fact that this team started off the year well, they're not exactly lighting the world on fire with the strength of their wins.  They've beaten the Cardinals by 1 at home, the Giants at home, and the Rams (possibly the worst team in the NFL) on the road.  They lost to Dallas, probably the best team they've played.  Nothing about that screams "impressive" -- they beat a bunch of asshat teams mostly at home.

Mark my words, Lunatics, the 'Skins will come crashing back to earth when they have to go on the road and/or play tougher teams.  They may win 8 games this year because of a relatively easy schedule, but this team isn't going to the playoffs -- much less Indy.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I’m not sure what’s going on there [with the New York Jets].  We picked some poor players and we’re not owning up to it.  That’s what it amounts to.  You’ve got guys on the roster who have been picked and you keep trying to say, ‘OK, they’re going to work out.’  Well, guess what?  We tried that with [Vernon] Gholston and it didn’t work out.  You have to [say], ‘Hey, I made a bad pick, a bad selection,’ and move on.  The Jets didn’t do that and it’s a little late for the season to get it righted.”
                                                      -Joe Namath, former New York Jets' quarterback

Rather than give you some witty critique or shamelessly rip what Broadway Joe said, check out this video clip of Joe making his comments.  Tells you everything you need to know.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio!  Tuesday night at 11pm!

http://tobtr.com/s/2395383

Call in, Lunatics!

Quote of the Day: Monday Double Feature!

“Calvin Johnson, he’s very, very good at Madden and Tecmo Bowl or whatever they’re playing now.  But on film, when I watch film, and I break down the film, he’s not to the point of these guys yet.”

-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 8/12/2011

“Right now, Calvin Johnson — there’s a king in every crowd, and he’s the king of the National Football League as far as wide receivers.
-Cris Carter, former NFL Wide Receiver, 10/3/2011

I'm not a scientist, but at this point, I have to believe Cris Carter doesn't know shit about watching film.  He kept saying Megatron didn't look good on film.  Maybe he doesn't know what that means?  The fact is that Megatron is playing out of his gourd right now.  Just demolishing assholes left and right on his way to the top of the heap.  Remember when I said Roddy White was better than Megatron?  Yea that's not looking so hot right now.  I'll openly admit to the fact that clearly Calvin Johnson listened to that show and decided to make me see how is ass tastes.  Well let me tell you, Lunatics, it tastes salty and like Calvin has been eating a lot of corn.  The good news is that I'm still not as deep in there as the Dallas Cowboys were on Sunday.  He decapitated that team, shit in their mouths, left the heads on pikes outside Cowboys Stadium, then went to their homes and fucked their wives.  That catch in triple coverage was on the verge of physical impossibility.

So today, Megatron, the Football Ranter salutes you.  Well done, Sir.      

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Week 4 Picks

Good morning, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter game picks for week 4.  Take a look at the new degenerate gambler angle too, where we discuss the betting line and who to take if you're inclined to wager.

Fun starts after the jump.


Friday, September 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

“The people outside that want to say they’re fans and don’t believe in us, I couldn’t care less if they ever believed in us.  They don’t mean anything to us if they didn’t believe in us.  They can go back and finish living their miserable lives as they’ve been living and hoping that they lose and whatever.”
                                                                     -Brandon Jacobs, NY Giants Running Back

Classy move here by Brandon Jacobs.  Don't worry, it's not like those fans pay your salary or anything.  More importantly, when has not rooting for Giants ever led to a miserable life?  I'm pretty sure the surgeon general has listed "Giants fandom" as a carcinogen for the last three seasons. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Bob Sanders' season-ending knee injury] is not something anyone could've anticipated. It's something that just happens."
                                      -Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers Head Coach

So as the Whale's Vaginas put strong safety Bob Sanders on IR, this has to qualify as the least surprising news of all time.  Which begs the question, what the fuck is Norv Turner talking about???  This will be the fourth (4th!!) consecutive season Bob Sanders has been placed on season-ending injured reserve.  It's not something anyone could've anticipated?  Is this fake life?  So sorry to inform you, Norv, but there's a retarded, one-legged blind monkey making finger paintings in Malaysia of Bob Sanders going on IR.  Miss Cleo predicted Bob Sanders would go on IR again.  Bob Sanders' career was so dead that it communicated with John Edwards from the afterlife before this season.  The only thing MORE certain than Bob Sanders going on IR is Norv Turner making this face at least 10 times during the season. 

File this in the "reasons Todd Haley is the only worse NFL head coach than Norv Turner" folder.  

Power Rankings: Week 3

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 3 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I think Chad [Henne] has grown immensely since I left here a year ago.  I saw a kid in New York, Mark Sanchez, that is young, I don’t think he’s as talented as Chad Henne.”
                                                                  -Jason Taylor, Miami Dolphins ROLB

Challenge accepted.  This one's actually pretty easy since both players have two years of starting experience (Henne attempted only 12 passes during his rookie 2008 campaign, so we're throwing that data out).  Mark "Dirty" Sanchez' career numbers: 35 TDs, 37 INTs, 55.4% completion percentage, 6.7 yards per attempt, 72.5 passer rating.  Chad Henne's career numbers: 31 TDs, 36 INTs, 60.6% completion percentage, 6.7 yards per attempt, 76.0 passer rating.

As expected, Jason Taylor is wrong.  But maybe not the way we expected.  By the numbers, Chad Henne is not more talented than Mark Sanchez, in fact, they're exactly the same.  Their career numbers are nearly identical over the same span, including arguably the most important QB statistic, yards per attempt, which measures the average number of yards a quarterback gains every time he drops back to pass.  In the "maybe Jason Taylor isn't crazy" department, Henne actually has a higher career passer rating than Sanchez.  Passer rating is one of the few "old" statistics that has held up well to modern scrutiny, so don't dismiss that as garbage, J-E-T-S fans.

Of course, the Football Ranter would be remiss in not mentioning another statistic: Dirty Sanchez' six fourth quarter comebacks and eight career game winning drives.  Henne loses this battle by half -- only 3 fourth quarter comebacks and four career game winning drives.  Take that for what you will, it takes a full team effort to come back and win a game, not just good QB play.

So what can we conclude here?  That Henne and Dirty Sanchez have kinda sucked dicks since entering the NFL.  The difference is that Sanchez has redeemed himself with the media and the fans with some impressive 4th quarter heroics, while Henne...well let's just say Henne has found it difficult not to choke on his own ballsweat during big moments.

VERDICT: Jason Taylor is an asshole.  

PS- Nope, didn't need to do any of that statistical analysis to figure that out.  We pretty much already knew, it was just window dressing for that final point. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

The big man RUMBLIN' STUMBLIN' all the way to pay dirt.  Gotta love a 350lb lineman taking it all the way. 


HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Radio at 11pm!

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Call in, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day

“I can’t explain it.  Well, I can explain. I won’t say I can’t explain it because then you guys will say I can’t explain it.”
                                                           -Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins Head Coach 

......................................................

...............................................................

.....................................................................

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT. 

Pop quiz for the Lunatics: the Miami Dolphins- A) Suck, B) Suck in Practice, C) Suck so much their loss to the Browns actually retarded their coach, or D) All of the Above.  Do I need to even post an answer key?  Didn't think so.

PS- The answer is D.  Posted it just in case Tony Sparano happens to be a Lunatic.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Looking at the replays, I'm on the ground every time, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated.  The refs have got to do their jobs...I'm on the ground constantly, all the time.  Every time I throw the ball, I'm on the ground. And I don't know why I don't get the 15-yard flags like everybody else does."
                                                                         -Mike Vick, Philadelphia Eagles QB

Mike Vick bitching about how he never gets 15 yard flags for late hits like everyone else.  Except wait, Kerry Collins was knocked out of last night's Indy-Pittsburgh game on a late hit that wasn't flagged.  I guess when you're as fragile as an origami swan and can't throw passes from the trainer's table, there's not much else to do except blame the refs.  This is the second time Vick has complained about not getting flags (once last season) so this is becoming a trend.  Hey Mike, here's a free tip: if you don't want to get hit, don't play quarterback/running back (he runs enough that I'm classifying him as both).  No one is picking on you because you run a lot/killed dogs/are black.  (That undertone exists here, right?  That only the white QB's are getting flags?  Someone has to have brought that up already- maybe Michael Irvin?  If not, was that racist?  Probably a little racist.  My B.  Shut it down.)

On the plus side, since Vick may miss 3-4 weeks with a broken hand, he won't have to worry about getting hit for the next month.  So he's got that going for him...which is nice.     

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Week 3 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Sorry for the delay in getting this week's picks to you, the Football Ranter was at Great Adventure all day and didn't have a chance to post them earlier. 

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I believe we’re going to get on this airplane Saturday and go up to Cleveland and kick somebody’s ass.”
                                                                     -Jason Taylor, Miami Dolphins ROLB

Jason Taylor discussing how he's prepared to start fights with fans during the pre-game tailgate since the 'Fins can't beat anyone on the field.  I like this move, scare opposing fans into not attending the game, then lose in front of an empty house instead of a full one.  Jason Taylor has just turned a road game into a Dolphins home game.  Well played, Jason. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 2 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“Perry Fewell coaches [faking injuries to stop the clock].  He’s their DC [defensive coordinator].  He coaches that.”
                                                 -Brian Kehl, St. Louis Rams Linebacker and former NY Giants LB

This debate has been going on all week with people denouncing the G-Men for faking injuries, which no one can even prove.  (They absolutely did.  Two guys just flat out fell down like they were in a Life Alert commercial.  These are facts.)  But the question remains, if it was your team, would you want them to fake an injury to win?  Well I don't know what the Lunatics think, but the Football Ranter says absolutely.  This is the NFL- winning is all that matters.  Shit, Pats fans didn't care that the Dark Lord got caught cheating as long as they won.  So let's stop with the false outcry and admit that this is just hate over the Giants being scumbags and getting a victory because of it.  Every fan on earth would trade looking like a soccer pussy for a W on gameday.  Hell, scumming your way to success is pretty much the American Dream.  So to all those haters hating on the G-Men this week: U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A! 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I’ve handled DeSean Jackson one-on-one before, and I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to do it again.”
                                                                              -Antrel Rolle, NY Giants Safety

Bahahaha!  "Handled?"  As in "you handled his junk before he dropped it on your face and high-stepped it into the end zone?"  Let's be clear: no one on the G-Men has handled Desean Jackson.  In fact, that's a big part of why the Giants keep losing to Philadelphia.  Well, that and the Giants' miraculous ability to pull defeat from the clutches of victory and take a dump all over their fans in the process. 

In six career games against the Giants, Jackson has 21 catches, 419 receiving yards, 6 TDs, and one season utterly obliterated.  Consider the fact that he was injured and barely played in one of those games, and he's averaging 4 catches, 80 yards, more than a TD and .20 seasons obliterated per game.  So let's dismiss this fantasy Antrel Rolle is living in where he and/or the Giants have "handled Desean Jackson before."  Far be it from me to take a wet dream away from someone who seems like they're having plenty of fun on their own, but Antrel made this our problem by going public with a moronic statement like that.

Maybe one day Antrel will learn to shut the fuck up and try to cover someone in an effort to get the taste of Desean Jackson's ass out of his mouth.     

PS- I know it's Aaron Ross in that picture, but I couldn't find one with Antrel and Desean.  I also know Antrel only has 3 career games against Desean Jackson and plays safety, where he will never (if the defensive coordinator has a brain) be matched up one on one with Jackson, so his statement is best considered in the "team context" addressed above.  So in the best case scenario, Rolle's statement is misguided, and at worst, it's an absurdity spewed by a stark-raving mad crazy person.  The Football Ranter leaves such judgments to you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

On this week's installment of HOUUUUUSE!!! we have Michael Boley taking a dropped backwards pass 68 yards to the house. 


Of course, what you will likely be more interested in is his TD celebration, in which he DEMOLISHES this mouth-breather's grill piece with a perfect spiral to his dome.  IN THE FAAAAAAACE!  I don't know who this guy is, or why he wasn't watching Michael Boley run right at him and throw the ball, but keep that head on a swivel next time Broham.  Gotta see the rock coming when the play comes your way. 

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the radio tonight at 11pm-

http://tobtr.com/s/2320467

Call in, Lunatics. 

Quote of the Day

“We have to start practicing like it’s the game...because so far, we’ve been playing a lot like we practice.”
                                                                            -Yeremiah Bell, Miami Dolphins Safety

The Miami Dolphins are so bad, (HOW BAD ARE THEY?), that they even suck in practice.  Or perhaps we're misreading the situation?  Is it possible that they're actually practicing sucking?  Those are really the only two possibilities here.  Possibility 1: The Dolphins are a steaming shit-heap in practice and in the games because they're that terrible.  Possibility 2: Tony Sparano is a genius, realizes that his team has a dumpster fire at QB, and decides to tank the season to go for Andrew Luck.  He tells his players to suck in practice (as if he had to) and moves on with life.  Actually since he'll be fired if the Dolphins play this way all year, he's a moron either way.
I guess the moral of this story is that the Miami Dolphins are going to spend most of this season skull-fucking the people who pay to watch them play football.   

Monday, September 19, 2011

Quote of the Day

“The season will not be canceled, as far as I know."
                          -Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach

This came much to the dismay of Chiefs fans everywhere, who were hoping the Chiefs would just give up and take a mulligan on the entire 2011 season rather than run out there to get teabagged on live television again.  Unfortunately for them, it appears the team will still take the field for its final 14 games.  It's never fun to hear "I told you so," but literally everyone on earth predicted a big drop off for KC this year.  Matt "The Problem" Cassel remains the biggest issue though, as he he just can't seem to, ya know, throw the ball to players on his own team.  But there is a silver lining here, Chiefs fans: KC is already tied for first in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes...so you've got that going for you...which is nice.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Week 2 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter Week 2 Predictions after the jump:


Friday, September 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Basically, we need to do what Jacksonville did last week [on offense]....Really the recipe we’re looking for is very similar to what they did to us.”
                                         -Matt "Matty Nice" Hasselbeck, Tennessee Titans QB

I know what you're thinking, "The Jags?  They a) scored 16 points this weekend and b) blow goats.  Why would anyone choose them as a model offense?"  But I like this strategy by Matty Nice.  He's employing a little thing called, "reverse psychology."  He's gonna make the Ravens think he wants the Tennessee offense to be bad (like the Jaguars) and then what happens?  BOOM!  Secretly been studying the Saints and Packers all week!  Take that right in your fucking grill piece Ravens, you were busy sitting there thinking the Titans were going to suck.  Brilliant!  Go big or go home, Matty!  The Football Ranter is calling it now: upset special!  MATTY NICE OVER THE RAVENS!  MATT-Y NICE!  MATT-Y NICE!  MATT-Y NICE!

PS- Bahaha, FUCK THAT.  The Titans DO blow goats, I have proof.  I'll be shocked if the Ravens don't beat them by literally a million points this weekend.   

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I have three things: old, slow, and it's over.  James Harrison told us that he was 70-to-75 percent, it looked more like 40 percent to me if you are looking at the ballgame I was looking at.  And Hines Ward, [my 13 year old daughter] Mercedes Sapp can cover Hines Ward right now.  Troy Polamalu is trying to grab [Baltimore WR Ed Dickson] to have a pass interference and he can’t even get close enough to grab him.  [It] looked like he was dragging a wagon behind him.  Touchdown Baltimore.  Pittsburgh Steelers done.”
                                                   -Warren Sapp, former Tampa Bay Buccaneers DT

So, the Pittsburgh Steelers are not very good, I guess would be his general thesis here.  Seriously though, maybe step back off the ledge, Warren?  It's only week 1.  I'm willing to bet the Steelers aren't going 0-16.  In fact, they're playing the Seachickens at home this weekend, so let's see how old, slow and over they look then.

But seriously, if they lose to the 'hawks, this team is fucking done. 

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the very first installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We as a team and as an organization, we know that the Washington Redskins is not a better than us.  We know that hands down.  If we played them 100 times, they might win 5.”
                                                                       -Antrel Rolle, NY Giants Safety

Bahahaha!  The Redskins would win 5 out of 100 Antrel?  Pretty funny coming from a guy who had Rex Grossman's dick on his forehead just two days ago.  The Football Ranter cannot stand when players say shit like this- admit you got beat, get back in the film room and bust your ass to get better next time.  "Waaah, they're not better than us, we just sucked and I didn't do my job, waaaah!"  Well you know what that means, Antrel?  It means you fucking sucked and didn't do your job when they did.  That is the very definition of who is better at what they do.  Games aren't scored based on talent level, that's why fans watch football.  So check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes.  (Is that how the cool kids say it?  Does anyone still say that?  Someone help me out here, I'm an old football nerd living in a cave of dominos pizza boxes and empty 2-litres of mountain dew.)     
 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!

HOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!


Un-freaking-real.  As if taking the rock 108 yards to paydirt wasn't enough, he got picked up by the shirt halfway through the return by FB John Kuhn to keep the play alive.  Absolutely amazing- the Football Ranter busted a tremendous nut all over the place watching this return.  HOUUUUUUUUSE!!!

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Call in, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day: Two for Tuesday

"Peyton's at the age now where he recognizes and we recognize that his career is in the homestretch."

"While we fully expect he'll be back and we fully expect he'll be with us next year, it is time that we give the quarterback position some serious consideration."
                                                -Bill Polian, Indianapolis Colts Vice Chairman

Does a season ending injury to your star 35 year old quarterback combined with a colon-blasting debaclation at the hands of your previously hapless division rival put things into perspective?  Bill Polian thinks so.  Consider this the Colts officially declaring themselves eligible for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  Well played, Polian.    

Monday, September 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We win that football game if I don’t do what I did. We lost this game because of me.”
                                                                               -Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys QB

Tony Romo choked on his own dick in a big spot?  No way, that's so unlike him!  Actually no, nevermind, that's exactly like him.  Romo has somehow built a career on buttfucking his own team at all the wrong times and his prowess in this regard was on full display last night against the Jets.  The 'Boys ultimately lost by three, and Tony "Oh No" Romo fumbled at the goal line and threw a back breaking pick to put the J-E-T-S in field goal range with time expiring in the 4th quarter.  I suppose it could have been worse (Revis Island could have taken the pick to the house and ended the game without Nick Folk having to drill a 50 yard field goal), but all in all another choke masterpiece from a true artist.  This is how you blow an NFL game and then swallow defeat, and Romo is the master of blowing and swallowing.  

Friday, September 9, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Rehabilitation from [Peyton Manning's] surgery is typically an involved process. Therefore, there will be no estimation of a return date at this time."
                                                             -Indianapolis Colts Official Press Release

Goodbye to 2011, Indy fans.  The Colts are among the worst, if not the worst, team in the NFL without the Godfather under center.  The only good news for Colts fans is that Indy has just officially announced their entry into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  If they're fortunate, the Colts will get the top pick and create a Brett Favre-Aaron Rodgers situation with Manning and Luck.  If not, the Colts will end up with another year of holding their breath praying for Peyton to stay healthy.  Either way, happy trails 2011 Indy.     

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

“[Cutting David Garrard] is not unlike Jack because he did Byron Leftwich the same way.  If there was ever a coach who needs to be punched in the face for not being truthful to his players, it’s Jack Del Rio.”
                                                        -Hugh Douglas, former Jacksonville Jaguars DE

Call me crazy, but there may be some sort of employment dispute here between Hugh Douglas and Jack of the River.  Regardless, Jack has bigger worries than what Hugh Douglas thinks of him- he's about to start Luke McCown at QB.  That right there should be revenge enough for Hugh Douglas, Byron Leftwich, David Garrard and whoever else Del Rio may have slighted over the years.  We can all look forward to the Jags picking in the top 5 next year and Del Rio getting "Garrarded."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Uuhhh oo it ain’t my fault…blame the genius circus staff for the rush. wouldve been there 2wks ago. Im sry but saga cont”
                                                                   -LaRon Landry, Washington Redskins Safety

First off, if you can decipher that entire tweet from beginning to end, there's a Football Ranters T-Shirt coming your way.  All I caught was something about a circus saga?  Regardless, supposedly this was Landry tweeting about a setback to his hamstring that will keep him out of Sunday's tilt against the G-Men.  Hey LaRon, stop blaming the training staff for your inability to suck it up and play the game.  Ahmad Bradshaw played an entire game on a broken foot.  Curtis Martin won the rushing title while he was dying of old age.  Ray Lewis once played a game with no legs- pure grit and the blood of several virgins carried him through the game.  So stop bitching, put your tampon in, and get back on the fucking field, LaRon.  It's only a hamstring, you didn't shoot yourself in the dick like Plaxico did.