Friday, April 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's been fun New Orleans."
                   -Reggie Bush, tweeted moments after New Orleans selected Mark Ingram #28 overall in the 2011 NFL draft.

Bush was mainly referring to his cushy time spent on injured reserve, in the training room, or in Kim Kardashian. Definitely not the rest of his New Orleans career when he spent a lot of time doing this.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Mock Draft Cinco

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find the final version of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft, barring any last minute changes tomorrow on Draft Day. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We maintain his innocence, and now the fight begins."
                          -A. Scott Bolden, Albert Haynesworth's Attorney

This quote was in reference to Haynesworth's indictment on charges of sexual abuse. Haynesworth is accused of fondling a server's breasts in a hotel restaurant. Maybe the Football Ranter is the only one who believes Haynesworth is innocent, but this is a case of mistaken identity. Haynesworth mistakenly identified the woman's boobs as chicken breasts and tried to go at them. When you weigh 700lbs, you don't have time to start asking questions like, "what type of meat is this?" or "why is that woman screaming when I bite into this?" So cut the guy a break- we would all have done the same thing in his shoes.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The first time, I really wasn't too big on having the opportunity...I appreciated it, but this time around I think I will appreciate it so much more. I took a lot for granted early in my career. It was a great opportunity at the time, but now it will be so much more satisfying. To show it to my kids and say [what] I was able to accomplish."
                         -Michael Vick, discussing his possible return to the cover of Madden in 2012

I guess you could say that his regrets have...dogged him since then?
..............................................

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's nice to be judged by great draft classes, but at the end of the day we're judged by playoff wins and championships. That's the reality. That's what I think of when I'm putting a roster together: Can we get to a championship? That's my barometer. So far we're at zero, but I know we're closer than we have been.''
                                                            -Mark Dominik, Tampa Bay Bucs' GM

Someone please inform this man that the Bucs' did in fact with a Superbowl in 2002. We've all been trying to forget it, I know, but the General Manager of the club should probably know about this.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Obviously, like the rest of the players that are at the top of the board, we've spent a lot of time with Cam...I think he's a very talented player that is extremely competitive. I think being successful in the NFL is very important to him."
                                                             -Marty Hurney, Carolina Panthers' GM

Translation: The thought of picking Cam Newton #1 overall gives me indigestion and makes me shit liquid fire, but we need a QB like Andy Reid needs weight watchers and he's the best one available. Fuck my life, why did we have to pick THIS FUCKING YEAR to get the #1 pick.

Football Ranters 2011 NFL Draft Big Board

Welcome back, Lunatics. The 2011 NFL Draft is just a week away and so we here at Football Ranters are publishing our first ever Big Board. Here's how it works: we will rank the top 32 prospects, in order and regardless of positional value, ie. DE is a more valuable position than WR, but we're ignoring that fact.
Check out the Football Ranters 2011 Big Board after the jump.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If we don't have a quarterback at least our head coach has been a quarterback in the league and we might suit him up for a couple of games. Jim (Harbaugh) has been working out hard...Obviously the quarterback position is the most important position on the field and [the GM and Head Coach] are going to figure out who the best guy is. They said today they'd like Alex (Smith) to be in the mix, but it's up to Alex to decide if he wants to be here."
                                                          -Jed York, San Francisco 49ers Team President

49ers fans were filled with hope Wednesday upon reading this quote...until they realized that the first sentence was the joke and the last sentence was the serious part.



Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Quote of the Day

"This is the most muddied draft board to come along in years. You just want to make sure you're as prepared as you can be about everyone when draft day comes around, and that's taking a lot of work.''
                                                               -Bill Polian, Indianapolis Colts' GM


This from the man whose last four top picks were Anthony Gonzalez, Mike Pollack, Donald Brown and Jerry Hughes. Maybe prepare a little better for this one, Bill. There's more excellence in what Lawrence Taylor left in his underage hooker than in that list of players combined.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Quote of the Day

"There's three things in life that's certain: death, taxes and 85 will always be open."
                                    -Chad Johnson/OchoCinco/Johnson Again

Chad later admitted that a fourth certainty, the Carson Palmer lame duck pick-six thrown in his direction, also exists.


Monday, April 18, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Even when it does happen it's not going to be an announcement...It's just going to be us going to work; not a secret but as us working and doing it together."
                                                              -Jason Witten, Dallas Cowboys' TE

Witten's remarks on how he and Tony Romo have maintained their super-secret homosexual relationship during the lockout. We kid, we kid. It was actually him talking about the fact that Tony Romo has called certain Cowboys players to schedule secret workouts during the lockout. But seriously, this pretty much confirms that Romo and Witten are together. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's just amazing that you could say that about somebody who is 25 years old and just got drafted four years ago. But it's been almost a year since he got cut and there's no interest. Even before the lockout, nobody wanted to get near the kid. It's such a waste of talent...It's hard to believe a guy with that much ability could let it just waste. It's sad. ... It's like they say, you can't coach desire."
                                            -Anonymous source close to Jamarcus Russell

Jamarcus' life coach quit because Russell refused to try to get back in shape. Apparently Tits McGee Jamarcus weighed in at an astounding 288lbs for a workout with the Redskins in November, then came to a workout with the Dolphins two weeks later at 292lbs. A QB that weighs 292lbs? Who in the what now? What was that man eating, entire farm animals? The Football Ranter has visions of Jamarcus' entourage feeding him dinner the same way they fed the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. No doubt that they're just leaving a goat on a chain with a 20-gallon drum of purple drank in Jamarcus' room. What a pathetic waste of life. No other way to put that.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I forgot the numbers. It's pretty staggering...If you play in the NFL and start for 10 years, [the memory loss from concussions is] not good. It is not good."
-Terry Bradshaw

Terry Bradshaw reportedly sustained at least six concussions in his career. So, opening this quote by saying that he "forgot the numbers" rates about a 14 on on the 1 to 10 unintentional comedy scale. (Too soon? Probably too soon.)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Owners Actually Have a Pretty Solid Idea

Welcome back, Lunatics. For those of you that missed it, the NFL Owners leaked a plan today to cut spending on 1st round draft picks by $1.2 billion over 4 years. Considering the fact that signing a top 10 pick in the NFL today is the equivalent of paying five times the value for a car that you never get to see before buying, the Football Ranter supports this brilliant proposal by the Owners.

Except for the one problem with the Owners' proposal: It doesn't actually change anything in the long term. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. The Owners finally offer to make a change that will correct a tremendous competitive imbalance, improve the quality of the game and only impact two groups of people the public absolutely will not care about pissing off: NFL Agents and NFL rookies. But just when you start to believe that these uber-monopolist sheep rapists finally acted in the fans' best interests, they jam the Giant Dildo of Reality right into your asshole. (Anyone brave enough to click THAT link? No chance right? Tip of the cap to anyone who goes for it.)

The Owner's proposal cuts $300 million per year off of first round salaries, but doesn't institute a rookie wage scale and creates a system in which all first round picks must sign 5 year deals. There will be a maximum rookie salary, but below that floor all salaries are negotiable. The owners took a system in which the top 10 picks were without a doubt being overpaid and tried to flip it into a system in which every single draft pick is underpaid. Now while Joseph Stalin is undoubtedly nodding in silent approval and offering to give the Owners each a hand job if they can actually pull this off, salaries outside the top ten picks tend to be relatively team friendly deals anyway. So what the owners have proposed here is the equivalent of using a samurai sword to make sandwich. Rather than scaling salaries and leaving the last 15-20 picks of the first round relatively untouched, the owners are going to drop a ten megaton nuclear warhead on a lone mosquito...and then rent a tank, tape money to it and drive over the mosquito repeatedly.

Yet, despite all this, the Football Ranter is optimistic. Reportedly, the Owners' proposal includes a plan to use the savings from cutting first year player salaries nearly 60% and put them towards veteran salaries and benefits. Now, knowing what we know about the Owners, the Football Ranter will believe that when he sees it actually happen. For now though, irrespective of the fact that the Owners remain a bunch of money-grubbing economic fascist robber-barons, the possibility of a good idea here is light at the end of the tunnel.

Until next time, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day

"I frankly don't think that [Lawrence Taylor being a threat to public safety] is likely."
     -Judge William Kelly, Who Granted LT Level 1 Sex Offender Status over Prosecution's Objections

Not a threat to public safety??!!  Ask Joe Theismann if he agrees with that assessment.  (WARNING: Do not watch that clip if you are unprepared to projectile vomit onto an office trashcan/printer/fellow co-worker).  Lunatics, if you happen to live near LT, hide.  Hide, then put your house up for sale, then get the FUCK out of there, because the Football Ranter sees what's coming down the pipe here.  Beautiful morning, sun is shining, you walk outside to get the paper, and BOOM!  Lights out, strip-sacked on your front lawn as LT runs off with your NY Times and waves for an imaginary trainer to come help you out.  Let me tell you, the Football Ranter has seen it a thousand times, this story always has the same ending.       

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm my own union...I've got to protect myself. ... I'm not worried about what everybody else feels. My biggest thing is going out there and playing football."
                                                                   -Antonio Cromartie, NY Jets' Cornerback

Antonio Cromartie discussing the fact that he has enough children to straight up start his own union.   

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I haven't made a dime off anything in this whole situation...That was never an intention of mine. I'm not a gold digger. The only way I wanted to make my money this whole time was to just have a job."
                                                                                        -Jenn Sterger

The Football Ranter knows exactly how you feel, Jenn.  You work for the Jets, some employee asks if a legendary football player can have your number and you tell him, "No, I'm flattered but I really want to remain outside the spotlight.  It's not about the money for me."  You go girl, stand up for yourself!

Wait, what's that?  She said OK, gave the employee her number and then acted shocked when Favre sent her a shot of his junk?  Bitch, let the Football Ranter tell you how this works.  QB's are gods and if you're not out there catching TD passes, pounding the rock or protecting the blind side, it's Tits or GTFO.  Get with the program or find a new job.  Or just don't give your personal number out to Brett Favre.  There are a number of solutions here that don't involve getting dick pics.  Just sayin.  

Mock Draft Quatro

4/28/2011 EDIT: CLICK HERE FOR MOCK DRAFT CINCO, THE MOST RECENT FOOTBALL RANTER MOCK.  THE MOCK BELOW IS OLD.

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find the latest version of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?"
                                                                                   -Jim Bouton, Inventor of Big League Chew

Flaws: This logic has none.  Also, you know what I haven't had in a while?   Big League Chew.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"He needs to stop crying about blood tests and HGH...He's been on this crusade about HGH, but he needs to be on a crusade about getting these owners together and trying to work out a deal. To me, he's a joke, because every time I look, he's talking about performance enhancements instead of talking about trying to figure out a way to make sure football is played in August."
                                                                 -Derrick Mason, Baltimore Ravens' Wide Receiver

Amen Derek!  I don't care if the players are shooting themselves up with HGH, Steroids, Creatine or whatever the hell they have out there now.  Get this deal done and make sure there's football, then worry about the fact that players are taking gamma rays to the face in secret experiments to try to become the fucking Hulk out there.  Fuck yea Derek Mason!  (Wait, what?  Why would that be the picture that came up for "Derek Mason?"  For real?  Who the fuck are those kids?  Are they Derek Mason's kids?  Is his wife white?  Is his girlfriend white?  Is his other girlfriend white?  Is that chick he nails sometimes when the Ravens play KC white?  Someone get on this, we need answers.)  EDIT: Welp, when you don't spell the player's name right, you can't be surprised when you don't get the right results.  Fuck yea Derrick Mason!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Kitna is one of my favorite people to play with. Just being out there on the field with that guy just makes you play even harder. He made some things happen in limited time, so I think if he got a longer chance, he'd be able to do more.  I hope there's a chance for a quarterback competition this year."
                                                                         -Martellus Bennett, Cowboys' Tight End

In related news, Dallas Police instituted an investigation into Bennett's out-of-control crack usage.  No physical evidence has been found yet, but Police have said the above statement alone is enough to believe Bennett is smoking enough crack to be a danger to himself and the community around him.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Sure, luck means a lot in football.  Not having a good quarterback is bad luck."
                                                                                        -Don Shula

Welp, I guess we can safely blame almost two decades of Cleveland Browns' futility on bad luck.  Sorry Cleveland, it's not that your front office is incompetent, it's that God hates you.  Who knew, huh?  Wait, actually, I feel like everyone knew that.  Nevermind, shut it down. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think the osmosis is if you get a concussion, that's a serious thing and you shouldn't play. Or leading with the head that you want to eliminate. We want that message to be strong."
                                                    -John Madden, on the new safety emphasis in Madden 2012

Hey John, if you want the message to be strong, maybe clean up the grammar a little bit.  For the love of god, someone re-gift this man a dictionary for Christmas.   

Friday, April 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

"A lot of the criticism he's receiving is unfortunate and racially based, I thought we were all past this. I don't see other quarterbacks in the draft being criticized by the media or fans about their smile or called a phony. He's being held to different standards from white quarterbacks."
                                         -Warren Moon, Hall of Fame QB and current adviser to Cam Newton

You tell 'em, Warren!  It is totally racist to say that a guy who only made one read in his college offense may have trouble picking up the complexities of the NFL game.  And people are only saying he may be disingenuous because he's black, not because his father charged schools a $180,000 recruiting fee to get his son to play there.  You're right, all the white quarterbacks in this draft also said they wanted to be an "Entertainer" not just a football player, he's being singled out because he's black.  Someone call Reverend Sharpton!  Nevermind, apparently he's busy.