Wednesday, August 31, 2011


What blocking!  What running!  What a return!



Holy Mullet Batman!  Why, Colt McCoy?  Why?

Words- I have none.

Radio Show

Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the radio tonight:

Call in, Lunatics.

Quote of the Day

"Will we end up being the best defense in football? I think so.  I challenge everybody: Put your negative comments out there and we'll see what happens in the end, because I think our defense is going to be outstanding.  I wouldn't trade this defense for anybody's in the league."
                                                                  -Rex Ryan, NY Jets Head Coach

Sexy Rexy thinks he has the best D in the league, huh?  Who would have thought.  While he might be right, this leaves the Football Ranter with another question entirely: does Rex Ryan actually spend any time coaching the Jets?  He seems to speak to the  media more than anyone else, he clearly spends a significant portion of his day looking for a goddamn snack, and the rest of his time gets dumped into foot-fucking his wife.  When does he actually do his job?  Does anyone know?  He might want to get back to coaching before the Steelers D makes him look like an idiot...again.     

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We were violated at times."
                      -Jim Harbaugh, SF 49ers Head Coach following 30-7 loss to Houston

If Harbaugh thinks a 30-7 loss to Houston in the preseason is a violation, he probably shouldn't bother going back and watching game tape of the 49ers from the last 7 years.  They've been violating fans' eyes since about 2004.  Alex Smith has been violating the quarterback position for literally that entire time.  Anyone else think those two things might be related?  The Niners have a real shot to win the Andrew Luck/Matt Barkley sweepstakes this year, though the Seachickens and Redskins are going to give them a run for their money.  The Football Ranter predicted 2-14 for the 49ers on the radio show, and so far they look every bit like a 2-14 team.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I really think a lot of the people who were here last weekend were not the true 49ers fans, they weren't the true Raiders fans. They were people who chose that evening event as their own crime scene, [Candlestick Park] as their crime scene. They came here with the intent of maybe drinking a lot and getting involved in things they shouldn't have."
                                                                              -Jeff Miller, NFL Security Chief

Right, because no one gets shot or beat up at Niners-Raiders regular season games.  I don't know what's more absurd, that thought, or the idea that "real fans" don't get hammered at games and start fights.  "Real fans" are exactly the type of people that get hammered and start fights with visiting fans.  No one wants to be part of a pussy fan base that's not willing to let outsiders know whose turf their on.  Nothing says "go the fuck home" like a drive-by shooting on an opposing tailgate.  Don't like it?  Don't go to games at other stadiums!  Or stop being a pussy, take your shot/beating, and wait until those same fans come to your stadium to get them back.  You're only one Molotov Cocktail through a driver side window away from revenge and defending your home town's honor.

Are you ready for some football!

PS- No question I'd rather be a live pussy than a dead "real fan."  You will not find the Football Ranter within 1000 miles of Candlestick Park or the Oakland Coliseum.  Those places are fucking deathtraps and I don't want to be shot on site for saying that Jason Campbell and/or Alex Smith suck floppy walrus cock (which they both do). 

Friday, August 26, 2011

Quote of the Day: FRIDAY DOUBLE BONUS!

"I think of it as MetLife Stadium and it's the home of the New York Jets.  I guess [Justin Tuck] can think of it that way. He's probably one of the only guys that think of it that way. I certainly won't think of it that way."

"I'm not backing down from one comment.  I believe we are the best team in New York.  My goal is to be the best team in the National Football League, not just in New York.  I'm not backing down one bit from that statement. I believe that will be the case."
                                                                                 -Rex Ryan, Head Coach NY Jets

Sexy Rexy talking some smack about the Giants.  At this point though, isn't this kinda like pistol whipping the blind kid in a wheelchair?  The Giants have already lost 4 CB's, a DT, and a DE to injury in 2 weeks of preseason and play in the same division as the Super-Eagles.  The J-E-T-S have gone to the AFC championship two years running.  This isn't a contest.  The Jets are the better team right now.  In other news, the sky is blue, the sun rises in the east, and Pacman Jones just shot someone outside a strip club.  Tell us something we don't know, Sexy Rexy.  Now please go back to talking shit about the Patriots so the Giants can fasten the chinstrap on their helmet and return to eating glue in the corner of the sandbox.  Oh, and to all those Giants fans who are going to write in and go, "Wahhh we have a ring and Rex is fat, wahhhh!"  Shut up.  Just shut up.  Coughlin has a ring because a gay bashing 6th WR decided to go out and make a circus catch.  Whoop-dee-doo, you want a fucking trophy for that or something?

PS- Bahaha!  Just kidding, Giants fans.  Rex IS fat and he should probably put food in his mouth instead of opening it about the G-Men until he has a photo kind of like this.  Actually, a Jets fan's biggest concern should be Rex trying to eat the Lombardi trophy if they do win the Superbowl this year.   

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Quote of the Day

"great hit last night,if u're fined I'll reimburse u boss.That's the way the game should b played.Stay healthy n have a good yr."
                                                                                       -Chad Ochocinco

Ochocinco tweeted this after Bucs LB Mason Foster put a nasty helmet to helmet hit on him in the first half of their preseason game last week.  I suppose we have to give credit where credit is due here?  I mean if Chad actually gives Foster the $20k the NFL fined him for that hit, it's pretty awesome.  On the other hand, doing so is expressly prohibited by NFL rules, so he's got an out if he wants to use it.  Either way, a tip of the cap to Ochicinco and, of course, FUCK YEA OCHOCINCO!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We want to keep no tattoos, no piercings, and I think you’ve got a very nice haircut.”
                                                          -Jerry Richardson, Carolina Panthers Owner

Richardson said this to new franchise QB Cam Newton during the pre-draft interview.  Doesn't this kind of sound like Warden Norton from the beginning of The Shawshank Redemption?  You're about to draft a guy who's been accused of theft and bribery during his college career, and you're asking him about tattoos, piercings and his haircut?  Seems a bit like Jerry Richardson thinks people without tattoos, piercings or long hair can't be bad people.  Seriously, is this the dumbest statement of all time?  It has nothing to do with football, says nothing about Cam Newton as a person that would be relevant to his ability to effectively play the quarterback position, and demonstrates that Jerry Richardson is as out of touch as Ted Stevens.  Hey Jerry, Tom Brady has long hair and a kid with a woman he's not married to- but you're not interested in having him on your team, right?  Hypocritical shit like this has no place in life, much less football. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Well, we've talked to the quarterbacks, in particular Kyle [Orton].  We're going to name him the starter for the opener against the Raiders. We've not really reached a conclusion on 2 or 3 yet, and won't, probably, until after the preseason games."
                                                                       -John Fox, Head Coach Denver Broncos

Anyone surprised?  Raise your hand if you're surprised.  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  This was simple arithmetic by John Fox.  Kyle Orton is a middle of the pack NFL starter, and Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow are smoldering garbage covered in horseshit.  Not a tough call when viewed in that light.  The question is, will Tim Tebow be taking over at some point during the year or is this the beginning of the end for the Holy Hurler?  Only time will tell, but keep in mind John Fox didn't draft Tebow.  He has no loyalty to him and no reason to throw him out there if he doesn't think he's the best man for the job.  Do not be shocked if the Broncos go 3-13, get the top pick, take Andrew Luck or Matt Barkley and promptly kick Tebow's ass to the curb.  In the NFL you get one shot, fair or not, and Tebow hasn't made the most of his so far. 

Monday, August 22, 2011


Check out today's podcast for our new recurring segment, HOUUUUUUUSE!!!

This week's "HOUSE" video brought to you by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers:


Quote of the Day

"The [Philadelphia Eagles] linebackers will be ready to win the Superbowl.  Remember, it takes 16 weeks, and then really whoever is playing their best during the playoffs. So when you look at it, there’s time to develop...It takes time to develop kids.  It’s a process, and it’s our job to develop the kids and make them better.”
                                                       -Juan Castillo, Philadelphia Eagles Defensive Coordinator 

Nice try, asshole.  But I learned back in 9th grade bio that it takes 9 months to develop a kid, not 16 weeks.  It's science- look it up.  Unless he means that they're going to abort them after 16 weeks, that I suppose would make some sense.  In any case, thank goodness the Eagles LBs will be ready to win the superbowl, because that's what everyone was worried about.  Not whether Vick can stay healthy, or a defense with tons of new starters can learn to play as a unit, it's the young linebackers that are going to determine the fate of the 2011 Philadelphia Eagles.  Great call, Juan.  You really hit the nail on the old head with that gem.    

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Radio Show

Good Evening, Lunatics.  If you're a fan of the site, check us out on the radio at the link below.  All the previous shows are available to listen to as podcasts from this link, so tune in.


Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a few months to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter finally graded all 32 teams' drafts, and updated the prior grades to include training camp info.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft months after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades after the jump.  All picks have now been included.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I’m just trying to talk to [Jay Cutler] off of the field, trying to be buddy-buddy, trying to get a couple balls. That’s how it works.’’
                                                                         -Roy E. Williams, WR Chicago Bears

Roy Williams is just trying to chat up Jay Cutler so he can get a couple of balls.  Unsurprising given Williams' penchant for gargling balls throughout his career.  Is that not what he meant?  Oh, I see.  He's already lobbying for passes even though the season hasn't started.  What a team player.  I guess the good news for Roy is that the rest of Chicago's non-existent WR corps is somehow worse than he is?  Enjoy the Roy Williams experiment, Chicago fans.  It's going to be a short, disastrous ride. 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think I can say this now, because it's not going to hurt anybody's feelings, and it's the truth ... I didn't want to come to Philadelphia.  Being the third-team quarterback is nothing to smile about. Cincinnati and Buffalo were better options."
                                                                     -Mike Vick, QB Philadelphia Eagles

Wow, I don't know what kind of shit Vick was smoking in prison, but if he really thought Cincy or Buffalo were better options than the Eagles, it was GOOD SHIT.  The only worse place to go play than those two is Oakland.  Seriously, what the fuck is Vick talking about here?  "Oh boo hoo, I didn't want to be a third stringer on a good team."  Well you fuckin' chose to sign with the Eagles anyway, didn't you?  Sounds like a bullshit statement from top to bottom to the Football Ranter.  Plus Mike Vick killed dogs.  Not relevant at all, I know- but still true.  You stay classy Mike Vick. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I consider myself in that class.  Tom Brady is a great quarterback, he's a great player and what you've seen with him is he's gotten better every year. He started off winning championships and I think he's a better quarterback now than what he was, in all honesty, when he was winning those championships."
                                                                              -Eli Manning, QB New York Giants

If the class is "living human beings," "white males," or even "NFL starting quarterbacks" then yes, Eli Manning and Tom Brady are in the same class.  Otherwise, they're not in the same class, not in the same grade, they're not even in the same fucking school system.  Brady is the senior QB plowing the prom queen.  Eli is the freshman getting beat up by his older brother Peyton's friends, trying to figure out how to get out from a locker that he's been thrown into.  But really, all of this is irrelevant- Eli barely said anything at all.  In fact, all he did was suck Tom Brady's dick a little and say that he also thought of himself as a good QB, which he is.  So everyone else, back the fuck off Eli.  The guy opens his mouth once a decade, let's encourage him to say some fun shit once in a while.  

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

“Was I going to fight Rex? Obviously not.  That’d be like De La Hoya and George Foreman. He’s way out of my weight class.”
                                                                         -Mark Sanchez, QB NY Jets

Fat Bastard vs. Mini Me is the more apt comparison, Mark.  Being eaten whole by Rex is clearly the #1 concern in that fight.  Your best bet is to bring a box of twinkies and hope to distract him for long enough to put him in a sleeper hold.  On the other hand, can you put someone with five chins in a sleeper hold?  Either way, smart move not fighting Sexy Rexy.   

Monday, August 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Me personally, I have big goals. I plan to get 2,000 yards."
                                -Mike Wallace, WR Pittsburgh Steelers

Wallace went on to say that after he shattered Jerry Rice's single season receiving yards record, (1,848 yards), he would find and capture the lochness monster, discover who really killed JFK, and uncover the sunken continent of Atlantis.  We at Football Ranters wish Mike Wallace all the luck in the world in each of those endeavors.  Best odds are on him finding out the CIA assassinated JFK. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

"From Chris Johnson's perspective, I don't blame him for not being there. He has to do what he has to do because he is one of the top backs in the NFL and the window for a running back is small. He has to get his deal now where he has leverage."
                                                     -Eddie George, former Houston Oilers/Tennessee Titans RB

Someone should probably tell Eddie George what leverage means, because NFL players still under contract generally don't have any.  Johnson is a great RB, but the Titans are a rebuilding team and are probably going to gargle camel semen with or without him.  The day Johnson walks back into camp and starts practicing is the day the Titans will give him an extension.  Until then, he's just an out of work RB who's not getting paid anything.  So uhh...FUCK YEA CHRIS JOHNSON! 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Nobody's talking about us. That's right where we want to be. You look at us from top to bottom out here, there's a bunch of great players. And we don't need people saying we're the best right now, but when it's all said and done, I really feel like this team's gonna win the East."
                                                                             -Rex Grossman, Redskins QB

Grossman confidently told reporters that the 'skins would win the east when asked about the team's chances this year.  When asked why he thought so highly of their chances, Grossman stated that the had sacrificed several goats and llama to Satan, and that the Prince of Darkness had promised supernatural help.  He then ended the interview, walked over to the practice facility and started eating paint chips off the side of the building.  All of this occurred while John Beck was getting reps with the 1st team offense during practice.  So, yea.  That pretty much speaks to the Redskins chances right there.     

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm going to do something different, I'm actually going to stay with a fan for the first two, three weeks of the season.  That should be fun, until I get myself acclimated and learn my way around."
                                                                                            -Chad OchoCinco

Who else, right?  Even T.O. wasn't crazy enough to believe a fan would want to live with him.  Maybe it's just me, but doesn't OchoCinco strike you as the kind of guy you catch eating peanut butter out of a dog bowl at 2:30am with a pair of Asian twins giggling and egging him on?  The kind of roommate that owns a sheep and acts like its completely normal by taking him for walks and giving him a dog name like "Oreo" but then lets the sheep shit all over your couch?  And there's no way he doesn't worship Jobu and build a shrine to him in your kitchen.  So to whatever "lucky" fan jumps on board this train, enjoy the flaming shit-laden wreck it ultimately becomes.  

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Rookie hazing] really had gotten carried away in recent years.  We wanted to rein it in a little bit while still letting the guys have some fun."
                                                                   -Jack Del Rio, Head Coach Jacksonville Jaguars

The headline here was, "Del Rio ends rookie hazing, teaches players how to properly groom their vaginas."  Should be fun to watch teams come into Jacksonville and rape and pillage their way to easy victories while the Jags are painting each other's toenails and talking about which boys at school they want to make out with.  Enjoy a long year of Peyton Manning making life miserable, Jacksonville fans.  How is that any different than any other year?  You're right, I guess it isn't.  Sucks to be you.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If your dream ain't bigger than you, there's a problem with your dream."
                                                                                  -Deion Sanders

A pretty inspiring quote from the greatest CB of all time.  Admitted to the Hall of Fame yesterday, Primetime was a nightmare for NFL QB's for 13 years.  Tip of the cap to one of the all-time greats.  Deion, the Football Ranter salutes you. 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Quote of the Day

"During the whole process, [NFL commissioner] Roger [Goodell] told me several times, he said if it wasn't for Jeff [Saturday], sometimes I don't know where we'd be.  Roger had a great relationship with Jeff, and he really did play a huge role in getting this thing done.''
                                                                        -Jim Irsay, Indianapolis Colts Owner

No clever quip here today, just straight recognition for Colts C Jeff Saturday, who apparently ended the lockout single-handedly.  He then won an arm wrestling match with Chuck Norris, and wrangled a bald eagle with his bare hands.  Pretty sure he closed out that day with a Mila Kunis/Kate Upton threesome.  So Jeff Saturday, we salute you.  Well done.     

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Listened to Merril Hoge today on SC and he was just blasting Tebow. The man hasn't even play a full season and its only his 2nd year in," James wrote. "Guys get on that TV and act like they was all WORLD when they played. How bout encouraging him and wishing him the best instead of hating!!"
                                                                                    -Lebron James

This is the kiss of death if I've ever seen one.  Having Lebron James tell people to back off Tebow on twitter is worse than if Tebow's mother had told Merril Hoge to stop picking on her son.  Earth to Lebron- Tebow's a big boy.  He can handle it and shut Merril up on the field.  He doesn't need your traitorous ass jumping in to defend him.  Shut up and go back to ruining basketball for millions of people, the NFL doesn't need you infecting it with your "King James-me first" attitude.  We already have T.O. for that, and once he's gone it looks like Desean Jackson will fill in admirably.     

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I just know how competitive and tough Roy [Williams] is.  Roy excels when you put it on his plate and say, 'OK, you got to win this game here on this play.'  Most elite players, and I think he's an elite player, they're at their best in those circumstances.  He's a physical guy, he makes plays after the catch, he's got incredible hands. He knows the system, which in this short preseason shall we say, is really important. You know, I could go on and on about Roy."
                                                                       -Mike Martz, Offensive Coordinator Chicago Bears

Uhh...Mike, are we talking about the same Roy Williams?  "Elite player?"  "Physical guy?"  "Incredible hands?"  You keep using those words...I do not think they mean what you think they mean.  I mean we always knew Martz was a bit crazy, but Roy Williams is literally none of those things.  He has just one 1000 receiving yard season, he often gets beat in press coverage by smaller corners, and Stephen Hawking has better hands.  Admittedly, Roy's only 1000 yard season came with Mike Martz in Detroit, so maybe Martz is onto something here.  Or maybe Roy Williams sucks more than a blowjob from a crocodile and Mike Martz is a batshit crazy mad scientist type offensive coordinator.  You choose which is more likely.    

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Quote of the Day: Two for Tuesday

"He is determined, motivated and quite frankly has a huge chip on his shoulder. Whatever team ends up getting Randy, they're going to know they're getting the old Randy Moss."
                                                              -Joel Segal, Randy Moss' Agent in mid-July

"Randy has weighed his options and considered the offers and has decided to retire."
                                                              -Joel Segal, Randy Moss' Agent on 8/1/2011

Well that was quick.  I haven't seen someone give up and go home that quickly since the Football Ranter was single.  Regardless, Moss was one of the top five quote-machines of all time.  Gems such as, "I play when I want to play," and "Straight cash homey" don't make themselves up.  You will be missed, Randy.  Enjoy your long ride into the sunset.

PS- Apparently he was also a pretty good wide receiver too?  Go figure.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

"For so long, I've been just trying to get help. I've been seeking help.  I've been talking with doctors since I've been in the NFL. No one has ever helped me. So I was praying there was a treatment out there for what I suffered from and there was."
                                                                 -Brandon Marshall, WR Miami Dolphins

Waaaaaaaaaah!  I can't stop doing stupid shit!  Waaaaaaaaaaaah!  It's not my fault, no one would help me!  Are you joking?  How is this anything but same old Brandon Marshall?  Still refusing to accept responsibility, still refusing to accept blame for his mistakes.  Marshall claims he's been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder."  Borderline?  Are you fucking kidding me?  So he kinda-maybe-sorta has a personality disorder?  No dice, Brandon.  Look, if going through these shenanigans helps you stop fucking up, good for you.  But if this is just an excuse to do stupid shit and blame it on a psychological disorder, you're no better than you were before this nonsense diagnosis.  It's not hard to not get in trouble with the law- believe it or not millions of people do it everyday.  Get your shit together and take ownership of your fucked up life. 

PS- Also please do it in time to have a MONSTER fantasy season, because you're on the Football Ranter's list of potential draftees.