Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Site!

Good morning loyal Lunatics-

We've moved over to a new (read: legitimate) website now:

All posts will be over there now, and we'll redirect all traffic from this site to the new one soon.

Until then, check us out at

See you there, Lunatics.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I am innocent of those charges.  I could say that I have done some of those things.  I have horsed around with kids.  I have showered after workouts.  I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact....I shouldn't have showered with those kids."
                                                             -Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State defensive coordinator

As you may have gleaned to this point, Lunatics, I generally couldn't care less about college football.  Unless it related to the NFL draft, I just don't give a shit.  But despite that, I felt compelled to rip this to shreds as the quote of the day because of the absurd, unabashed stupidity inherent in the statement. 

So here goes: What?  How for fucks sake can you have the following two sentences in that statement: 1) "I am innocent of those charges."  2) "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."  Hey, pedodoucher, isn't showering with a kid that's NOT YOURS pedophilia in and of itself?  What did you get a fucking permission slip from their parents first?  Yea I'm just going to go ahead and say that's probably not what happened. 

The only question left here is what kind of punishment to hand down?  Obviously modern justice is totally inadequate to handle a situation like this, and I feel like just letting Sandusky get raped and killed in prison is kind of a cop-out too.  I really think we need to either get creative with it or go completely old school.  I would be fine with some ancient Asian torture, like putting a mouse on his stomach, an iron pot over it, and starting a fire on top of the pot so that the mouse eats its way out the other side.  Or maybe what Filipino rebels did to captured US soldiers during a war most people don't even know happened- bury Sandusky up to his neck in an ant-hill and let fire ants eat his face.  But those are pretty grisly and I've always believed someone deserves a shot to prove their innocence.  So I think we go in another direction and just put him in situations where, if he survives, he's innocent!  Just spitballing here, but maybe let's have him do the running of the bulls in Spain in a potato sack?  Force him into a dick-slapping contest with Patrick Ewing?  Force him to re-watch that Week 7 Browns-Seachickens matchup?  What do you think, Lunatics?  Come up with something fun and interesting and let's see what we can do.

Until then, I guess we'll just have to settle for "modern justice."  Whatever that means.           

PS- is "I shouldn't have showered with those kids" the single most egregious understatement in human history?  It has to be that, "You're going to need a bigger boat," or Nixon's "I am not a crook" duking it out for the top spot.  And only one of those other statements were even said by real people.   


Monday, November 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“If you’re going to grab my helmet and threaten my career, I’m going to come after you.  You have to do something.  When you are going after my livelihood, my neck, and you’re trying to hurt me, I just can’t let that go.”
                                                                             -D.J. Moore, Chicago Bears safety

In case you didn't see it, here's a link to the video of Moore trying to spear Matthew Stafford only fail, look like a retard, and then get his ass kicked by several Detroit Lions

My initial reaction here was to call DJ Moore a huge pussy for getting his ass handed to him by a quarterback.  But then I did a little research: Matthew Stafford is 6'2 230lbs.  DJ Moore?  5'10 185lbs.  So you're telling me that a guy with 50lbs and 4 inches of reach had to grab the other dude by his facemask to pull him down?  Stafford, you gigantic untrimmed vagina!  FIFTY POUNDS!  And then you somehow manage to get HIM ejected?  I'd be furious if I wasn't the type of douchebag that appreciates when other people snake their way into great situations.  So nicely done on that count, but he still strikes me as the type of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give them a reach around.  (That link has very NSFW language in it.)

But you're still a big vagine.    

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Week 10 NFL Picks

Good afternoon, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 10 NFL picks, including the Degenerate Gambler Angles.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm excited, you know.  This is where I should have been like three years ago.  But I think all good things come to somebody that waits."
                                           -Albert Haynesworth, now Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle

...on the couch with a 5 gallon drum of cherry garcia.  "This is where I should have been three years ago"?  Wow.  OK, Albert.  Just go ahead and shit all over the team that paid you over $40 million to sit on your ass and demolish the buffet at Long John Silver's again and again.  Pretty sure Red Lobster in D.C. had to cancel their "endless shrimp" deal while Fat Albert was a Redskin.  Hey Albert, the ocean called -- they're running out of shrimp.

Let me say this in no uncertain terms: Albert Haynesworth is the lowest form of life that can exist in the NFL.  He's in that deepest circle of NFL hell reserved for Jamarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf.  He's spoiled, entitled, delusional about why he's been let go by three teams now, and if I thought hitting him with a truck would do anything other than lead to me having a truck with big bite marks in it, I'd drive an 18 wheeler into his mountainous gut.  The sooner he retires, the happier I'll be. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Factory of Sadness

Never before has the pain the Cleveland Browns inflict upon their fans been more eloquently and hilariously stated.  This gets the Football Ranters' highest level of recommendation.

Power Rankings: Week 9

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 9 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“I was always a [John] Skelton fan even when I was there.  I was pulling for the guy.  I know what he’s capable of doing.  I know he can run this offense real good.  And he does have a big arm.”
                                                   -Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Philadelphia Eagles cornerback

Following these comments, DRC went on to complain about his role playing the slot receiver for the Eagles, saying he was "mad" and that he would prefer to "play outside."  Pop quiz for the Lunatics: which of these things is an indictment of DRC's ability at cornerback: a) that the Cardinals traded him plus a 2nd round pick for a QB with 8 career starts; b) that he's griping about his situation despite the fact that he's on a 3-5 team still in the division hunt and no longer on a 2-6 team well out of the race; c) that he was straight up torched by Earl Bennett and the corpse of Roy Williams on Monday Night, even going so far as to give up on a tackle over the middle; or d) hey asshole, we get it, all of these are reasons he gargles grundle-sweat at cornerback?

Yea, you got it.  The answer is d.  He's not playing like the 16th overall pick of the 2008 draft.  He's playing more like the 216th overall pick -- and bitching about it.  So DRC: shut up and stop playing like a bitch.  Then maybe Andy Reid will stop treating you like one.         

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


The Football Ranter's Football hard-on for Patrick Peterson grows.  What a return, and with the game on the line!  What great play-by-play too -- someone call Joe Buck and tell him this is how a non-robot calls a huge moment in a game.



Check out the Football Ranter and the Danchise on the Football Ranters' Week 9 Podcast!

We do the podcast every Tuesday night, so it will be up every Wednesday evening.  As always, feel free to comment or email us at the link above to tell us we're douchebags. 

Quote of the Day

“You’re doing good.  You’re doing good.  Just keep playing hard.  That’s all I want.”
                                                              -Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback

Bahaha!  "You're doing good"?  By what metric?  Brady reportedly said this to much-maligned wideout Chad OchoSucko following a botched 3rd and 7 play during the Giants-Pats contest on Sunday.  I know this is what Brady should do.  Good leaders encourage their teammates and try to get the most out of them.  So I truly commend Tom Terrific for going out and trying to say something convincingly that he had no reason to believe, the fans didn't believe, and even Ochosucko himself didn't believe.  Calling the Wide-Receiver-Formerly-Known-as-Chad Johnson's performance to this point "filthy stinking garbage" is an insult to actual filthy stinking garbage. 

The Pats cut ties with Fat Albert Haynesworth yesterday and they should just turn this into "dump underachieving jackoff" week in Foxboro and cut Ochosucko's useless ass too.  Let's face it, the Pats have scored 20 points or less in three straight games -- their problems aren't confined to the defense anymore.      

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Sunday] was the first time I saw the New York Jets defense look like what I thought the New York Jets defense was going to look like all season long."
                                                                                           -Chris Collinsworth

When did Chris Collinsworth turn into Tim McCarver?  I swear there was a time I used to enjoy his analysis, I just can't figure out when or why.  Hey Chris, did you not watch the Jets ass-ram the Jags at home 32-3?  That shit happened in week 2!  What about the 24-6 teabagging of the Dolphins?  Bitch that was only three weeks ago!  Get a fucking clue, Collinsworth.  I'm sorry the Jets don't play in a media juggernaut like Cincinnati where you would be able to watch their games.  It's not as if the Dolphins game was nationally televised on Monday Night Football or anything. 

Next up from Collinsworth after Aaron Rodgers mutilates the Vikings this weekend: "This is the first time I saw Aaron Rodgers throw the ball like Aaron Rodgers since he threw the ball like Aaron Rodgers the last time he threw the ball like Aaron Rodgers."

Dynamite work, Chris -- that broadcasting school in the offseason really paid off.        

Monday, November 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"This Steelers-Ravens game is a game for men, big men.  And nobody shined more brightly tonight than Joe Flacco.''
                                                  -John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens Head Coach

Between Harbaugh saying only men, BIG MEN, can play, Flacco shining rainbow-bright, Terrell Suggs' red-hot piss, and Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin saying the only thing he can say for sure is that the training room will be a mess on Monday, I'm starting to think that a little more goes on at a Steelers-Ravens game than just football... 

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Week 9 Picks

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 9 picks, including the Degenerate Gambler Angles.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Quote of the Day

“We’re a 2-5 team, and a quarterback’s [job] is to help the team win as much as possible.  We’ve still got a lot of work to do, but 2-5 is failing.  So I guess I got an F right now.”
                                                              -Tarvaris Jackson, Seattle Seachickens quarterback

I...I uhh...I got nothin'.  He totally beat me to it, and it's killing me on the inside.  I mean just a brilliant move by Tarvaris here.  How do you stop the Football Ranter from reciting your 6.8 YPA, 1:1 TD to INT ratio and 78.5 QB rating and telling everyone you gobble cock like a champion?  Tell everyone first!  That sand baggin' son of a bitch, he pulled a fast one on me!   

Well, I guess sometimes you just gotta tip your cap and move on.  So well done, Tarvaris.  Play on, playa.   


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 8

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 8 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

Quote of the Day

“Ravens-Steelers gets everybody’s piss hot.  We know what this game’s about.  F–k it.  Let’s do it!”
                                                                                   -Terrell Suggs, Baltimore Ravens ROLB

Suggs then jumped up, ripped his shirt in half and hurled a folding chair at the radio host before crashing through a glass window to escape the studio.  He was last seen causing widespread property damage to downtown Baltimore and screaming for Hines Ward to "come out and fight him like a man."

Officials recommend staying indoors and away from your windows.       

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I know I'm loyal to my teammates and my team are my guys, but it doesn't seem like the organization is to me.  But that doesn't keep me from going out on the field and putting my best out there...I learned that it really is a business and that they really don't care about your personal life or anything like that.  It's the National Football League and these organizations are in a business.  That's the bad part about it."
                                                                                     -Matt Forte, Chicago Bears RB

The only difference between the St. Louis Rams' offense and the Chicago Bears' offense is Matt Forte.  The team has no wideouts, no offensive linemen, and a quarterback that's likely to be straight up murdered by opposing pass rushers due to said lack of an o-line and wide receivers.  So Chicago should pay this man, right?  Well, sort of.  RBs have the shelf-life of a gallon of milk.  It rarely makes sense to give big money to one (see Williams, Deangelo; Johnson, Chris).  Especially when you have such a convenient out: the franchise tag.  Teams can franchise tag one player for up to two straight years and pay him the average of the top 5 players at his position.  Since Da Bears would more or less have to pay Forte that anyway in a big new deal, why not simply go year to year and lower the teams' risk exposure?  It's a trick question -- there's no reason not to and it's likely that's what they'll do.  Unless Forte decides he's willing to hold out rather than play under the franchise tag, of course.

So basically, Forte gets fucked here.  He loses two years of his prime and doesn't get a long term deal.  Such is life for an NFL running back.   

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

“I haven't had [a fumbled snap] in years.  It's unfortunate.  I dropped it.  This one is rough.  You blow it on a play that never should have happened...Worst day ever."
                                                               -Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers quarterback
Mmmmmmmmm...your tears sustain me!  NOM NOM NOM.  For those of you who didn't see the game last night, the Bolts had the football at the KC 15 yard line with 50 seconds left, and the Chiefs were out of time outs.  Rivers took the snap, handed the ball off, then trotted off the field and watched Nick Novak boot a game-winning 32-yard field goal fumbled the snap under center, gave the ball back to KC and then lost the game in overtime after winning the coin toss and getting the ball first. 

Normally this is where I'd rip off a few lines about how many dicks Norv Turner sucks, how "classic Norv Turner-Chargers" this is and then end with some witty line about how predictable this ending was.  But you know what?  I have a confession to make: the Chargers actually made me forget who they were last night.  After their furious late 4th quarter comeback, I actually forgot that they were the Norv Turner Chargers.  It was embarrassing, I admit it.  Like that one time every time I finish before the girl Japanese body pillow does during sex.  But just like the sex, that feeling didn't last very long -- Rivers coughed up the snap, the Chargers collapsed, and I remembered exactly who we were dealing with.

So go about your day in peace, Lunatics.  All is right with the world again.