Monday, February 28, 2011

Mock Draft Uno (Complete)


Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here is the stunning conclusion of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft Uno.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.

We're a little behind at Football Ranters because our touch football team won the championship on Sunday and we were too fucking wasted afterward to finish the Mock.  That's what you get for reading a website run by drunken Irish hooligans.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Quote of the Day

"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
                                                                                                     -Dave Barry

Sharks: Intelligent killing machines who visit Chicago Bears games shirtless.  

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mock Draft Uno (Picks 21-25)

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here are picks 21-25 of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

Mock Draft Uno (Picks 16-20)

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here are picks 16-20 of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Quote of the Day

"If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat."
                                                                -Herschel Walker



Thursday, February 24, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."
                                                                                                       -Heywood Hale Brown

Plaxico Burress and Mike Vick throw their hands up in disgust...and Ray Lewis and Donte Stallworth nod in silent agreement.

Mock Draft Uno (Picks 11-15)

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here are picks 11-15 of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through old posts for them.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Football linemen are motivated by a more complicated, self- determining series of factors than the simple fear of humiliation in the public gaze, which is the emotion that galvanizes the backs and receivers."
                                                                                                                -Merlin Olsen

An excerpt from Merlin's lunch interview with Ron Burgundy.  The two went on to discuss leather bound books, the richness of mahogany and milk's failure as a coolant on a hot day.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Mock Draft Uno (Picks 6-10)

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Here are picks 6-10 of the Football Ranters' Mock Draft.  I've also included the previous picks so that you don't have to go searching through previous posts for them.

Check out the picks after the jump. 

Quote of the Day

"Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."
                                                                                                                                -Merle Kessler

I have no idea who Merle Kessler is, but anyone partying with hookers and philosophizing about football is someone I can get along with.

Mock Draft Uno (Picks 1-5)

Welcome to the first installment of the Football Ranter Mock Draft.  We'll be mocking the first round five picks at a time and each week we'll update the mock.  This week's iteration will look absolutely nothing like the final version, especially since the scouting combine hasn't even happened yet, so take each pick with a grain of salt.  Feel free to give your own thoughts in the comments section. 

Check out Football Ranters' Mock Uno (Picks 1-5) after the jump.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Violent ground-acquisition games such as football are in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war."
                                                                                                                         -Robert Downey, Jr.

A less-than-sober Robert Downey Jr. expands on his theory that Roger Goodell is actually raising an army to overthrow NASCAR and enslave the minds of idiotic Americans everywhere.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Lions, the Dolphins and the Labor Negotations

Happy Sunday, Lunatics.  Even though there is no NFL Football on, Sunday remains a day of worship for me.

As most of us know, the owners and the players have been at a negotiating impasse for some time now.  For the last three days, both sides have met with a mediator in an attempt to move the talks out of a standstill.  Now I don't know about the rest of you, but when I hear the term "mediation" all I can think about is the opening scene of Wedding Crashers.  Instead of haggling over frequent flier miles though, the Owners and the Players' Association are fighting over the way revenue is distributed in the NFL.  There are other factors to be sure, such as a rookie wage scale and an 18 game season, but the heart of the issue always comes back to money.   

The current Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) creates what is essentially a 60/40 split between Players and Owners.  The NFL took in $7.8 billion in revenue last year, by far the highest of any of the four major sports.  In fact, the next highest was Major League Baseball and its revenue trailed the NFL's by over $1 billion.  This means the players collectively received a revenue share of $4.68 billion, while the owners were stuck with only $3.12 billion.  Now, if the Players were to concede 10% of their share and level the playing field to a 50/50 split, the owners pick up $780 million or nearly $25 million per team.  The Owners want some other concessions to go along with that, such as the aforementioned 18 game schedule and a rookie wage scale, but at the end of the day they'd take a 50/50 revenue split as fast as I'd take a double BJ from Scarlett Johansson and Brooklyn Decker.  (LINKS NOT SAFE FOR WORK, and does anyone else suddenly crave milk...?) 

Now 25 million dollars is not an inconsequential sum of money.  That's almost 1/3 of the Tampa Bay Bucs' current player salaries.  However, just two teams failed to turn a profit in 2009 (the 2010 numbers aren't available yet): the Miami Dolphins and the Detroit Lions.  Considering the fact that the small market 1-15 St. Louis Rams somehow turned a profit that year, I'm speechless as to how this is possible.  (Though I assure you, the Dolphins sucked balls at 7-9 while Detroit gobbled down an extra helping of epic donkey cock at 2-14.  Ironically, this was an improvement over their famed 2008 0-16 team which is so pathetic I can't even bring myself to make fun of them).  The point being that a team that counts Mark Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, Jimmy Buffett and Fergie as minority owners has stumbled upon a surefire way to lose money.  The Lions took the only possible surer path to unprofitability when they hired Matt Millen to be their GM for seven years.  A team spokesman recently said that plan B during 2008 was to just pay someone to go door-to-door slugging each season ticket holder in the cock with a busted parking meter.  At least then the team would have been creating jobs in Detroit, no small feat considering Detroit has less money and more car fires per capita than Mogadishu and Cairo combined.  So what does this information tell us?  That as an NFL franchise, you almost have to be trying to not make not make money.  And in case this wasn't enough, how much did these teams lose?  $7.7 million and $2.9 million for the Dolphins and Lions, respectively.  Just half of a single $25 million share turns both of these teams into profitable franchises.  The Lions are already well on their way, and in fact I would not be surprised to see them return to profitability this season.  If they could only keep Matthew "I've fallen and I can't get up" Stafford healthy they might even be a playoff team.

The players are who the fans show up to see, not the owners.  The Owners agreed to a 60/40 revenue split in the last CBA because they believed it would be a fair way to distribute the avalanche of cash that pours into the NFL's coffers each year.  Now they don't like the bargain they struck and are considering a lockout to stuff their already overfilled pockets with more cash.  Are there legitimate concerns that need to be addressed in the new CBA?  Absolutely.  A rookie salary scale or slotting system is a MUST (and there will be a full post on such a system coming soon) and I can see why some would argue for a shorter preseason followed by an extended regular season as well.  But until I see hard evidence to indicate that a large number of NFL teams are going to become unprofitable, as was the case with the 2004 NHL lockout, the current situation will continue to remind me of this one.

Also, I lied about the '08 Lions- I can absolutely make fun of them.  Watching that team play football was like handing a monkey a screwdriver and watching it try to build a car.  You always knew it wasn't going to end well, but not even you foresaw the monkey trying to use the screwdriver as a catapult for its own poo and in the process accidentally bleed to death from its asshole.  I'm willing to bet that any Lions fan would tell you they would rather have watched that than another Jon Kitna interception-fest. 

Until next time, Lunatics.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bob Sanders, We Hardly Knew Ye

No way to sugar coat it for Colts fans, Bob Sanders has been released and we witness the end of an era in Indianapolis.  Named the 2007 AP Defensive Player of the Year, Sanders was one of the best Safeties in the league.  You don't find durable game-changers like him very often.  The guy really stuck it out and played at an elite level every Sunday for Indy.  The Colts D just won't be the same without him. 

Wait, what's that?  Did you say Bob Sanders missed almost nine games per season?  OK, I admit that a porcelain crash test dummy smothered in burning gasoline and being beaten with pickaxes would have stayed on the field longer.  But surely you cannot deny his productivity when he was on the field.  Wrong, fuck you, I can.  And don't call me Shirley.  3.5 sacks and 6(!!) interceptions in seven seasons.  As a frame of reference, Troy Polamalu had 7 picks in 2010 alone. 

"Shut up Football Ranter, a down syndrome monkey slapping the keyboard with his dick would be a better blogger than you.  The guy won defensive player of the year.  You can't take that away from him."  Fair enough about the monkey, but wrong about the award, Lunatics.  Just fucking watch me.  Not only was Bob Sanders not the best defensive player in the league in 2007, he wasn't even the best Strong Safety in 2007.  In 2007, Bob Sanders had career highs in games played (15), sacks (3.5, yes that accounts for every single sack he had in his entire career), passes defensed (6) and interceptions (2).  He also registered 71 solo tackles, which was a very good number among Strong Safeties that year.  All of this is good right?  Surely this was enough to take home the hardware, no?  No, no and for the last fucking time stop calling me Shirley.  Why?  Because there was another Strong Safety, and as many as three others who arguably had better years.  Take a look for yourself if you don't believe me.  Roman Harper, SS for the Saints, beat Sanders in every single major category that year: solo tackles (75), sacks (4), passes defensed (11) and picks (3).  The award probably should have gone to Jared Allen and his 15.5 sacks for KC, or even Demarcus Ware who was an absolute terror for a good Dallas defense.  Sanders got the award instead because he had a very good year, Indy had the #1 Defense in the NFL that season (16.4pts/game) and there was no one else on the team to really credit for this success (Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis were hurt and registered only 10.5 sacks between them).

But one good year and a Superbowl win mean what?  Not a whole lot.  Rick Astley had a longer and more productive prime than Sanders did.  But like Cuba Gooding Jr., he's made a career out of one award.  Since then Sanders has given us way too much Snow Dogs and not enough Jerry Maguire (Though I always thought Jerry Maguire sucked elephant cocks.  Tom Cruise is a psychopath and Renee Zelleweger looks like someone beat up Sarah Jessica Parker...and then she gained 40lbs).  The fact is that Sanders hasn't played meaningful football in three years and the Colts win games because they have the Godfather, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis.  So Indy fans, step back from the ledge and go back to offering your first born/the blood of your virgin daughter to Satan to keep Peyton healthy and productive.

Until next time, Lunatics.  

Friday, February 18, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Football is easy if you're crazy as hell."
                                    -Bo Jackson

And just a few years later, OJ Simpson would prove that Bo Jackson knows more about football than any man ever has since the beginning of time.

First and Foremost

Welcome, fellow Lunatics to the epic launch of Football Ranters.  There are a lot of questions to be answered, I know.  What is this blog?  Who are you?  Why should I read this garbage?  Why do NFL players seem to do WAY less jail time than the rest of the population when they commit a murder or rape?  All in due time, Lunatics.  All in due time. 

What is this blog?  Well the description pretty accurately states it: a lunatic's blog for lunatic fans.  If something of note happens in the world of professional football, we'll discuss it here.  If nothing of note happens, we'll make it up so we have something to talk about.  Anything and everything is fair game.  From game of the week recaps to mock drafts to cheerleader of the week, this site will have something for everyone.    

Who am I?  A 26-year old football obsessed fan.  There is no part of the game that I do not love.  Except the halftime show at the Superbowl. (Dear NFL, please stop making halftime so painful that I debate jerking off with a sandpaper condom rather than watching the show.  It was bad enough last year when you kidnapped The Who from a nursing home, beat them senseless and pushed them out of their wheelchairs and on-stage to pretend to sing, but somehow just a year later Fergie had me wishing I could jam a freshly sharpened pencil taped to a stick of dynamite into my ear.  My silent prayers to have Will.I.Am turn around and bludgeon her to death with her own microphone remained woefully unanswered for the entire half-hour show.)

And why should you read this garbage?  Because what are your other options?  Let's face facts.  If you're reading this you are clearly short on material for when you are a) stuck in a cubicle, b) taking a shit or c) both.  You've read Bill Simmons last mailbag four times already, your farmville crop is either planted or dead and you only have 4 brain cells left from trying to decipher 50 cent's twitter account.  So why not give us a shot?  And as an aside, don't act like you're too good to bring your laptop/smartphone on the can with you.  If you're reading this website, you are exactly the type of person that would do that.  Hell, I have no problem telling you that I wrote half this blog while taking the Browns to the Superbowl.

So here's to what I hope is a long ride, folks.  As long as we can all talk football and have some fun on the way, I'll say it was worth while.

Until next time, Lunatics.