Friday, July 29, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The question is are we going to be able to move past the past and are we going to be able to live with each other moving forward."
                                                                              -John Mara, Owner NY Giants

The G-Men talking a Plax reunion.  This is a tough call, because which "past" is Mara discussing here?  The one where Plaxico strolled into the end zone with :33 seconds on the clock to take down the 18-0 New England Patriots, or the Plaxico that shot himself in the dick in a night club.  The Football Ranter isn't John Mara or Jerry Reese, but look at the facts.  Plaxico was having a garbage season even BEFORE he shot himself in '08, and he's 3 years older now.  Anyone expecting Plaxico to come in and ride off into the Superbowl sunset with Eli Manning on his back is misguided at best, and slow and eating paint chips off an asbestos covered floor at worst.  He's no better than a decent #2 WR this year, mark my words.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Washington believes it is ridding itself of a player it had no intention of bringing back to its team this season, while New England is getting added help along its defensive line for a reduced price."
                                 -Adam Schefter, remarking on Albert Haynesworth being traded to the Patriots

The Dark Lord does it again, snaking a top malcontent for almost nothing (a 5th rounder).  This won't work out at well as the Randy Moss trade did, but the Football Ranter is willing to bet Haynesworth has a good year for the Pats and pundits will spend an inordinate amount of time jerking the Dark Lord off for being a visionary.  Not that it's not warranted, but'll still happen.  The only real question here is where will Haynesworth play?  The Pats already have 350lb behemoth Vince Wilfork at NT, so a second 350lb player gives the Patriots a gargantuan defensive line.  And where is the pash rush coming from?  Haynesworth isn't going to rack up 10+ sacks all on his own.  Nevermind, there's no point in questioning the Dark Lord.  He finds my lack of faith disturbing.         

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Carson [Palmer] signed a contract. He made a commitment. He gave his word.  We relied on his word. We relied on his commitment. We expected him to perform here. He's going to walk away from his commitment. We aren't going to reward him for doing it."
                                                             -Mike Brown, Owner Cincinnati Bengals 

How is letting Carson Palmer NOT play for the Bengals anything other than a reward?  Has Mike Brown actually watched a Bengals game since 2005?  Are you kidding me?  Carson Palmer must be the happiest man alive right now. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Football's back."
                        -Roger Goodell

IT'S BACK!  IT'S BACK!  ICE CREAM!  ICE CREAM!  Swap out ice cream for football and have a picture of exactly what happened in the Football Ranter's apartment yesterday when the NFLPA signed off the deal that ended the lockout.  Thank god it's back, because I was sick and tired of writing about how much it sucked and how big a douchebag Roger Goodell is...bahaha!  Just kidding- he's still a douchebag.  But football is back, so it doesn't matter any more. 

Happy NFL Football is back day, Lunatics!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If there are no players eligible for a supplemental draft, there is no supplemental draft.  It is for players whose circumstances have changed in an unforeseen way after the regular (college) draft. It is not a mechanism for simply bypassing the regular (draft)."
                                                                           -Greg Aiello, NFL Spokesman

BAHAHA!  Wow, scumbag bros Pryor and Rosenhaus must LOVE this one.  Pryor bolts for the NFL because he's essentially suspended from playing in college only to sit around and watch as there's no supplemental draft.  Probably should have acted a little less entitled, huh?  Karma is a bitch Terrelle, and she is junk punching you all the way to the NFL.  

Saturday, July 23, 2011

2011 NFL Draft Grades 21-25

Welcome back, Lunatics.  After a month to reflect on it all, the Football Ranter will grade all 32 teams' drafts.  There are two ratings for each team; the first is a general A to F scale and the second is a picture that the Football Ranter feels describes the team's draft.

When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary.  It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation.  Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters.  Many will never even make a team out of training camp.  Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.

Check out the grades for picks 16-20 after the jump.  The earlier picks have been included in the post for ease of reference.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I think it's wimping out, making football more soft.  No reason to try and make camp easy.  I get concerned you're making football players weaker because you don't push them past that threshold. ... I get concerned with the same thing with the quarterback stuff, that they turn it into flag football; they turn it into little pansy stuff."
                                                                                  -Bart Scott, LB NY Jets

Bart Scott is a man.  He is manlier than this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy.  He could kill this small girl with his aura of manliness just by standing near her.  Bart Scott's rides a Tyrannosaurus Rex to practice.  Chuck Norris has nightmares about Bart Scott.  Superman has Bart Scott pajamas. 

Don't fuck with Bart Scott...ever.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Quote of the Day

"It's time for the torch to be passed to the younger players. I am going to hang up the cleats! The mind is always willing to play, but my body deserves the rest."
                                                  -Kris Jenkins, Former DT/NT Carolina Panthers/NY Jets

A great defensive lineman when healthy, Jenkins is now free to pursue his true passion of eating third world countries out of food one small village at a time. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Sigh, and once again greed is the operative byword. 'Congrats Brees, Manning, Mankins, and Jackson for being 'that guy'. #d-----bags."
                                                                  -Chris Kluwe, Punter Minnesota Vikings

This posted after it was revealed that Manning, Brees, Mankins and Jackson were asking for special perks (not to be franchise tagged, to be made unrestricted free agents or receive $10 million) in order to drop their law suits against the NFL and sign off on a labor deal.  So much to love here about what Kluwe did, but first off- A PUNTER?!!  For serious.  Chris Kluwe, a punter, and a bad punter at that, calling out some of the biggest names in history.  This is the NFL equivalent of when Quinn went out on that tiny ass boat to hunt the shark in Jaws, or when Fez tried to harpoon that giant chick in That 70s Show.  And not only did he come out guns blazing by calling out these guys by name, but he hashtagged the tweet with "#douchebags"!  Unbelievable.  Look at the big swinging dick on Chris fucking Kluwe- the punter!  KLU-WE!  KLU-WE!  KLU-WE!    

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Quote of the Day: Two for Tuesday

"He's training here in Miami and would be very interested in the Dolphins.  If they are interested in Ahmad [Bradshaw], we're very interested in the Dolphins."
                                                                -Drew Rosenhaus

"Hopefully I'm a Giant next year, but if the Dolphins are interested, I gotta look at my options."
                                                               -Ahmad Bradshaw, RB NY Giants and potential Free Agent

Rosenhaus, you sand baggin' son of a bitch!  I love it!  The Football Ranter sees what you're doing here.  Get the RB needy Dolphins involved to drive up the price on the G-Men after your idiot client opened his mouth and said he wanted to remain a Giant.  Have to get that negotiating leverage back, and that leverage is the Dolphins.  Someone should probably mention to Drew Rosenhaus that Ahmad Bradshaw is an injury-prone fumble machine who just had off-season surgery for the second straight year, but outside of that, what's not to like!  Bradshaw actually makes some sense for the Fins, who only have rookie RB Daniel Thomas and possibly (if they don't cut him) Ricky Williams at RB.  It will be interesting to see what offers go out to Bradshaw once free agency starts, as the Giants have a habit of not overpaying for RB' least ones not named Brandon Jacobs.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Quote of the Day

"He is determined, motivated and quite frankly has a huge chip on his shoulder. Whatever team ends up getting Randy, they're going to know they're getting the old Randy Moss."
                                                                  -Joel Segal, Randy Moss' Agent

Who knew being in great shape stopped people from quitting on their team?  I mean it worked so well for Terrell Owens Vince Young Lebron James absolutely no one.  Being in great shape doesn't give someone heart.  The bottom line is that Randy Moss is a fair weather fan, just like T.O.  Great teammates when things are going well, but as soon as the chips are down they'll Judas your ass in a heartbeat.  Moss is a cancer, a great WR when he was in his prime, but a cancer nonetheless.  There's a reason none of the following people have Superbowl rings: T.O., Randy Moss, OchoCinco, and Steve Smith.  OK, granted, there are a lot of reasons those four don't have rings, but the fact that they torpedo their own QB's and offenses at all the wrong times is a big part of it.  So put one in the "could not give less of a shit" column on this piece of news for the Football Ranter, because whoever signs Randy won't be winning anything of consequence this year.

Friday, July 15, 2011


 "I'll start by offering my apologies for some of the words that I said during the four days in May that Men's Journal was invited to my house to discuss what the NFL has recently been portraying as their attempts at 'player safety' rules and regulations."

"I did make comments about my teammates when I was talking about the emotional Super Bowl loss, but the handful of words that were used and heavily publicized yesterday were pulled out of a long conversation and the context was lost.  Obviously, I would never say that it was all Ben's or Rashard's fault that we lost the Super Bowl. That would be ridiculous.

"We all have discussed several things that went wrong in the Super Bowl since that day. What I do apologize for and take full responsibility for is for speaking in such a candid manner to someone outside the team."
                                                            -James Harrison, ROLB Pittsburgh Steelers

All respect for James Harrison right down the tubes.  How do you back off statements like that?  Just embrace your absolute bat-shit lunacy and move on.  Would Carl Everett back off saying the dinosaurs never existed?  No.  Would Rashard Mendenhall back off tweeting that 9/11 was a government conspiracy?  No (and he didn't).  You set the bar high and then let us down, James.  Consider your statement of the year (so far) award revoked.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

"In my eyes, I feel like the Cowboys have nothing to worry about. I'm getting everything done like I'm supposed to do. I'm ready to go out and play football and do what I do best."
                                                                    -Dez Bryant, WR Dallas Cowboys

To this point, Dez, what you do best is impress people, then get hurt, then spend way too much money on flashy jewelry and then not pay for it.  So if you're ready to go out and do more of that...then the Dallas Cowboys have a lot to worry about.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes.  Michael Irvin was flashy, but he got three rings.  Maybe wait on the classic WR diva stuff until you have at least one. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Quote of the Day

"If [Roger Goodell] was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn't do it.  I hate him and will never respect him."
                                                                -James Harrison, ROLB Pittsburgh Steelers

No joke here, this wins statement of the year (so far).  Harrison flat out ripping Goodell a new asshole here, which is unsurprising when you realize that no NFL player has been fined more often than Harrison.  So I guess one could say that the general thesis here would be that Harrison does not like Goodell very much.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Quote of the Day

One of the biggest concerns I hear from our fans is that we changed our defense and we are going to suffer because we have not had a chance to work with our players during the lockout. Teams that have changed coaches, teams that have new quarterbacks or that are unsettled at the quarterback position all face similar challenges. I have heard the sentiment that our product won't be as good in light of these challenges. Don't buy it (especially here in Houston!)
                                                                -Rick Smith, General Manager Houston Texans
He means don't buy the product in Houston, right...?  Have no fear, Rick.  The Football Ranter wouldn't buy your product if it was tied to naked and willing Bar Refaeli.  This team may be better this year, but that defense is not going to make enough progress in one year to upset the Godfather and his Colts in the AFC south.  A major injury to the Godfather (say, a lead pipe to the knee, Texans fans...purely as an example...) is the only way that changes this season.  So enjoy not buying the product that Rick Smith sort of isn't selling?  We'll go with that.

Monday, July 11, 2011


"I just had surgery, so why would I be resisting arrest?"

"It's ridiculous, man.  I keep on going through the same thing, and it don't make no sense." 

"Only thing I can do is be me and do what I'm supposed to do, but I was not yelling at the police. I did not yell profanity at the police. And at the end of the day ... I'm the bad guy."
                                                                                 -Adam "Pacman" Jones

Yup, you guessed it.  Pacman was arrested yet again, this time at a bar in Cincinnati.  Is there anyone on earth who didn't take the "will Pacman Jones get arrested again" bet?  No one, right?  That's what I thought.  This is so old hat, the Football Ranter considered not even posting this.  "Pacman Jones arrested, huh?  You don't say, dickbag.  What do you have next for us, the sky is blue?  The sun rose in the east?  Andy Reid ate a sandwich?"  It's our job to report the football news, no matter how obvious and unintentionally hilarious it may be.  So enjoy your "Pacman got arrested" day.  Also known as Monday.

PS- Just kidding, the Football Ranter didn't for a second consider not posting this.  Love that first quote by the way.  Using his surgery to suggest he wouldn't resist arrest.  That's like saying, "I just got my car fixed the other day, why would I run over that group of schoolchildren with it?"  Classic. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Quote of the Day

"The past several months have brought on much introspection, and I have decided that while my desire to compete on Sundays is still and always will be there, my willingness to commit to the preparation necessary to play another season has waned to a level that I feel is no longer adequate to meet the demands of the position."
                                                                  -Kerry Collins, now former Titans' QB

Insert racist and alcoholic jokes here.  Seriously though, Collins is #9 all time in completions and attempts, #11 in passing yards and #29 in passing touchdowns.  He lead the Giants to a superbowl that they lost to arguably the greatest defense in NFL history, and was murdered by Ray Lewis during that game.  The fact that he went on to play another 10 NFL seasons after that is astonishing.  He easily leads all deceased quarterbacks in every major passing category.  Kerry Collins, you will be missed.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Quote of the Day

"We are constantly looking for new and innovative ways to energize our fans, and what better way than to combine our [Dallas Cowboys] brand with some of the all-time great Super Heroes that everyone has grown up with."
                                                                                    -Jerry Jones Jr.

Hey Junior, I have a new way to energize your fans: end the fucking lockout.  Until that's over, no one gives a shit whether you're partnering with Spiderman, Superman, Cartman, or Duffman

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Quote of the Day

"[Staying in Minnesota] is a huge possibility, but I'm still going to test the market and see what else is out there. There are a lot of teams that are interested. I met with coach Leslie Frazier on the day they lifted the lockout and had a pretty good talk with him ... we'll see what happens."
                                                                          -Sidney Rice, Vikings' WR


Plus, Christian fucking Ponder?!  It's been real Minnesota, but I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.  Let Percy Harvin stay and deal with this shit.  At least he can fake a migraine and get out of being hung out to dry by Chad Pennington 2.0. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Through the settlement they are forging, the [Tom] Brady plaintiffs, the NFLPA and the NFL defendants are conspiring to set retiree benefits and pension levels at artificially low levels."
                                 -Former NFL Players, in the complaint of their lawsuit filed Monday morning

Just in case anyone had any thoughts that this thing might end soon, now the former players want in on the action.  This thing has really turned into a grade 5 clusterfuck, huh?  This is really a good news/bad news situation though.  The bad news is that the only way this gets worse is if both sides give up and decide to just end the NFL, as in, no more NFL forever because they don't want to fight over it anymore.  The good news is that this suit may not matter because these Alzheimer's-ridden relics will probably forget they filed suit in the first place.

Seriously, start looking up the UFL rosters now and pick your favorite team.  The odds of there being no season just jumped significantly.  Get your bets in now.    

Friday, July 1, 2011

Quote of the Day: FRIDAY DOUBLE BONUS!

"[45% is an] unacceptable sets us back to March 11...before the lockout."
                                             -Anonymous Player Source, on the fact that the owners reneged on their new flat fee 48/52 revenue split proposal

 "It's a negotiation, which is always subject to change"
                                              -Anonymous Management Source

If you didn't think the Owners were to blame for us not having NFL football to this point, the Football Ranter gives you these quotes for your reading pleasure.  These fucksticks clearly put an offer on the table without discussing it amongst themselves, and then had to backtrack when some owners resisted.  Or worse, they flat out changed their mind.  There is no other way to put it, so the Football Ranter is just going to say it.  These greedy, cumguzzling fuckmonkeys are doing everything in their power to make sure there is no season.  They know they have the cash to outlast the players and get a better deal, and they're determined to do so.  They don't give two stinking shits about the fans, the game or anything other than the balance in their account.  Load all 32 of them onto a bus, light it on fire then drive it into a gorge full of crocodiles like that one from Indiana Jones.  These penis-pumping donkey rapists make me sick.

(Owners: if a deal gets done this weekend, I fully retract any negative statements I may have made in anger about you and issue a full and complete apology.  I certainly did not mean to imply that you have non-consensual sexual intercourse with farm animals of any kind.  Please, please, please, give us football.)