When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary. It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation. Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters. Many will never even make a team out of training camp. Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.
Check out the grades for picks 1-5 after the jump.
- Carolina Panthers: Marty Hurney took the plunge and made The Entertainer the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL draft, confirming that the Panthers know what the rest of the league figured out long ago: that Jimmy Claussen is "please stop raping my eyes" bad at QB. Newton is the ultimate high-risk/high-reward selection. This draft pick will either haunt Carolina for years or have them back in the playoffs within a few seasons. Which will it be? Well, Cam Newton ran the simplest NCAA offense since the Single Wing. He threw a total of 282 passes during his entire one (1!!) year of starting NCAA division one experience and he has major character questions after getting into trouble at both Florida and Auburn for stealing a laptop and then for his father trying to get him $180,000 to play college football. So to put it lightly, that's the bad news. The good news is that Cam Newton kept on winning while doing all of the above. He won two national titles, the first at Junior College before he arrived at Auburn and the second this past year. The value of coming from a winning environment when helping to turn a miserable team around is an important trait for a leader to have, so it's a good thing Newton has it. With no second round pick, Newton more or less is the Panther's draft, though they picked up a couple solid if unspectacular DTs in round three that could start for them this year. OVERALL GRADE: C+; PICTURE GRADE: You may not like him, but here's what he is to Panthers fans.
- Denver Broncos: Draft a great pass rusher #2 overall then stick him at 4-3 OLB where he'll almost never get to rush the passer? Sure, why the hell not? We're the fuckin' Denver Broncos, that's how we roll. Look, this is not a judgment against Von Miller. He could end up being a great player, or he could end up never reaching his potential. Bottom line is, there's enough risk with rookies as it is. Why not put them in the best position to succeed? While the Von Miller pick alone would be a solid B, since Miller has tremendous upside but doesn't fit the system very well, safety Rahim Moore in the second round was an excellent pick- the Broncos needed help desperately at free safety. However, the Broncos have No One and his wife, Susan Walters-No One at DT and needed to draft someone to help out at that position. Well that mission was an utter fucking failure as the Broncos didn't draft even a single DT. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Sorry Broncos fans, Josh McDaniels did what he wanted and apparently John Fox does too.
- Buffalo Bills: It all started out so well for the Bills. They can't stop the run, they need help on the D-Line, BOOM! Marcell Dareus in your grill piece. Eat shit rest of the country, the Bills are BACK. They are fucking back! I can't wait to see who they pick ne- OH GOD NO. WHY! But it had so much promise! Nope, Chan Gailey came to his senses just in time to shove his cock and both balls deep into the assholes of Bills fans everywhere. Three defensive backs? Another running back? Do the Bills get some sort of prize (the prize is a banana) if they draft a RB every year? Oh, and just in case you want to argue this was a good draft, the Bills fired their head scout just days after the draft. If that's not a ringing endorsement of all the players he just took, I don't know what is. I look forward to writing about Chan Gailey's next "holy fucking god, why??" draft next year! OVERALL GRADE: D+; PICTURE GRADE: On the bright side, at least it's only a single facepalm this year.
- Cincinnati Bengals: According to many pundits, the Bungles had a pretty good draft. They needed a WR, they got A.J. Green. They needed a QB in case Carson Palmer really is done throwing pick sixes and they got Andy Dalton (this man has no soul). They needed help at guard and they got Clint Boling. So where's the problem? The problem is that teams who draft wideouts this high usually end up regretting it. Wide Receivers touch the ball 10 plays per game on a good day, most teams run 50 offensive plays per game. Not the ratio you look for in a #4 overall pick. As for Dalton, is he better than Carson Palmer? Doubtful. Why is he being anointed the franchise savior before he ever takes a snap? This is someone the Vikings and Titans, two teams in desperate need of a starting QB, passed on. Maybe Dalton can be a quality QB, but clearly a number of teams preferred other quarterbacks in a notably weak QB class. So did the Bengals fill needs? Yes, they did. Did they get talented players? On paper, yes. If you're a Bungles fan, you'll take that considering your team's history- but buyer beware on this draft class. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: Everyone else seems to love it, but the Football Ranter remains unimpressed.
- Arizona Cardinals: Well Lunatics, there's no hiding it. The Football Ranter has a raging football hard-on for Patrick Peterson. Taking the next Champ Bailey or Charles Woodson gets an A, even though corner wasn't a huge need for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, the Cards followed that up with RB Ryan Williams in the second round, which is like following a delicious 16oz steak with a tall glass of asparagus-laden piss. The Cardinals already have former 1st rounder Beanie Wells at RB and Ryan Williams is coming off a down year in his college career. Not to mention they have an offensive line who couldn't block a statue, quarterbacks that no one cares to block for anyway because they blow goats and they have no one to rush the opposing passer except 4th round pick Sam Acho. So let me explain; no, there is too much. Let me sum up. The Cardinals have no quarterback, no offensive line and no pass rush. They had every opportunity to acquire hope at those positions in this draft and utterly failed to do so until the 4th round. If this was a rebuilding project, I would have no objection. But with Ken Wisenhunt on the hot seat, this draft strategy makes as much sense as asking Captain Hook for a hand job. The only explanation is that they intend to trade for Kevin Kolb, which is all good and well, except that behind this line he'll be spending most of his time like this. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Can't tell if very smart or very stupid.
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