Mock Draft Quatro

4/28/2011 EDIT: CLICK HERE FOR MOCK DRAFT CINCO, THE MOST RECENT FOOTBALL RANTER MOCK.  THE MOCK BELOW IS OLD.

Welcome back, Lunatics.  Below you'll find the latest version of our Football Ranters' Mock Draft. 

Check out the picks after the jump. 

1. Carolina Panthers: - Cam Newton, QB Auburn (6'5 248lbs)- It's true that the Panthers have nothing at DT and desperately need an upgrade.  Either Nick Fairley or Marcell Dareus fit for that reason, as would A.J. Green since Carolina needs a WR as well.  I know what you're thinking.  "With all those other needs, why on earth is Cam "The Entertainer" Newton here?"  The Football Ranter grants you that Mr. Magoo would have made more reads running a college offense, Newton's Wonderlic score rivals that of a challenged 7 year old (though ironically he beat Vince Young) and he might be the 20th best player in this draft.  So why is he the pick?  Because the #1 pick is going to be a quarterback.  Sadly, there is no elite QB talent in this draft.  But Carolina has no second round pick after dealing it away last year, so they can't simply use their second round pick on someone like Colin Kaepernick or Christian Ponder.  The Panthers need to make this pick count and the best way to do that is take a potential franchise QB.  Whether that's Cam Newton or Blaine Gabbert is yet to be seen, but rumors have been flying around that the Panthers prefer Newton.    
2. Denver Broncos: Patrick Peterson, CB LSU (6'0 219lbs)- The rationale here is fairly simple.  Josh McDaniels spent the last two seasons taking one massive dump after another all over the Denver roster before launching them at angry fans.  Unsurprisingly, he was dumped like a chick who gets fat before the wedding after just 12 games this year.  Despite the firing, 33-year old top cornerback Champ Bailey wants nothing to do with the steaming pile of camel shit that is the Broncos' roster signed a 4 year/$47 million extension.  Regardless, Bailey is in the twilight of his career and will likely move to free safety within a couple of years.  Admittedly, the Broncos have zilch at DT and are switching to a 4-3 defense, so why not Marcell Dareus?  Well, everyone seems to think it's going to be Dareus and not Peterson, so maybe the Football Ranter is taking a long walk off a short pier on this one.  On the other hand, take a look at John Fox's overall body of draft-work.  Fox's first picks since 2002: 2 DE's, OT, CB, 2 LB's, 2 RB's, QB.  What does this tell us?  That John Fox takes whoever he feels is the best player available.  Everyone else may disagree, but the Football Ranter bets Fox will have Peterson on top of his board.  Until the day before the draft when it inevitably comes out that Marcell Dareus will be the pick.  But fuck it, that's weeks away!  Long Live the Football Ranter!    
3. Buffalo Bills: Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri (6'5 235lbs)- The Buffalo Bills are an out of control train wreck about to plow through an elementary school filled with children and puppies, but fortunately we finally have some idea of what they'll do in this draft.  Last year Chan Gailey called his shot by declaring pre-draft that the Bills were seeking a pass-catching running back, then selecting C.J. Spiller.  This was immediately followed by a worldwide simultaneous facepalm as Bills fans collectively realized that their head coach/GM combo is the football equivalent of a brain damaged monkey and Captain Ahab agreeing on picks.  On a positive note, these events spawned the international symbol for Chan Gailey.  In any case, Monkey Fucking a Football Chan Gailey has done it again here, calling his shot by saying the Bills like Blaine Gabbert's athleticism and stating that they believe both top QB's in this draft are ready to start from day one.  Chan Gailey will thus probably pull Blaine Gabbert's name out of the "draft hat" Buffalo customarily uses to pick players. 
4. Cincinnati Bengals: A.J. Green, WR Georgia (6'4 211lbs)- A.J. Green is a heck of a talent and the Bungles need a WR.  While picking a WR this high is almost never a good idea, this might only be another reason the Bengals would do exactly that.  DE is the better money/need value at the #4 pick, but Da'Quan Bowers' knee injury has him in absolute freefall down boards. Marvin Lewis seems to weigh need heavily into his value calculations and A.J. Green is one of the top talents in the draft at a position of need.  Ipso facto, Green to the Bungles. 
5. Arizona Cardinals: Von Miller, Rush LB Texas Tech (6'3 246lbs)- The Cardinals have a pass rush like Haiti has electricity and clean water (Read: they don't) and Miller would almost certainly help that, though some question his ability to play the run effectively.  Unfortunately for the Cards, Joey Porter and Clark Haggans gargle elephant balls, so it's worth taking the gamble on Miller.  None of the other best players available line up with Arizona's needs here, so unless they're willing to reach for a QB or trade down- which is unlikely given Ken Wisenhunt's place firmly atop the hot seat, Miller has to be the pick here.
6. Cleveland Browns: - Marcell Dareus, DT Alabama (6'3 319lbs)- For the first time since well, ever, there is hope on the horizon for the Brownies and his name is Colt McCoy.  Obviously he needs to put together more than a few good starts to be dubbed the franchise savior, but the Browns' recent QB history is comprised of failed #1 picks (Tim Couch), native flunkies (Brady Quinn) drunken, drooling slack-jaws (Derek Anderson) and a guy that has the misfortune of being awful, but not so awful that anyone remembers him (Charlie Frye).  Saying that the bar has been set low for Colt McCoy is like saying that 1945 was a bit of a rough year for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Regardless, firing Eric "The Mangina" Mangini was probably the right call after his second consecutive 5-11 season.  With a new coach comes a new philosophy and I don't know the first thing about who the fuck Pat Shurmur is or what he intends to do, though rumor has it that he's switching the Browns to a 4-3.  If A.J. Green is still available he could be the pick.  Mike Holmgren has taken a wideout early in the first round before (Koren Robinson, #9 overall in 2001) and Green is much more highly regarded as a prospect than Koren Robinson was then.  Not to mention that former 2nd round WR's Brian Robiskie and Mohamed Massaquoi have been utterly fucking worthless for the last two seasons.  Yet, the Browns just cut Shaun Rogers, leaving them with Nobody, Mr. Nobody and Captain Nobody on the defensive line.  They need help there more than they need a WR, so Dareus is the pick here. 
7. San Francisco 49ers: Robert Quinn, DE North Carolina (6'4 265lbs)- With Jim Harbaugh in place as the new coach, the 49ers will be looking for a QB.  Unfortunately for them, there aren't any left.  Instead, they address the pass rush and take Robert Quinn.  Some question Quinn's ability to drop into coverage, but quite frankly, the Football Ranter doesn't see Demarcus Ware dropping into coverage a whole lot while he's busy murdering the QB with a trident and everyone seems to be pretty cool with that.  If the Niners decide to address the secondary though, they could go with Prince Amukamara here.  They have the overpaid and declining Nate Clements at CB and....nobody.  Amukamara has the potential to be a top-5 CB in the NFL and I could realistically see the 49ers taking him if he makes it this far.  
8. Tennessee Titans: Nick Fairley, DT Auburn (6'4 297lbs)- "Very fucking original, Football Ranter.  No one else has Fairley here now that the Titans hired his line coach from Auburn.  Think maybe the Titans learned from the Haynesworth mistake and won't pick an enigmatic DT with questionable work ethic twice?  Do some research junk-puncher, then jump into oncoming traffic."  Wow, first off, harsh.  Very harsh.   Second, did the Titans learn from Haynesworth?  Damn right they did, they went 13-3 with his fat ass terrorizing a QB each week.  Fairley falling this far gives Bud Adams a hard-on, which is impressive since he's so old he once got head from Cleopatra.  Adams knows he needs a franchise QB to build this team around.  Last time he was in this position, he wasted no time and took Vince "I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion" Young.  For the sake of Titans fans everywhere though, none of the remaining QB's are worth taking at #8.  Trading down to take Christian Ponder or Colin Kaepernick in the late 1st or early second would be better than reaching for a QB here, just as Adams reached big time for VY.  Admittedly it would be tough to do worse than Young, who despite winning a mostly undeserved award, spent more time acting like an angst ridden 14 year old girl than an NFL quarterback.  Fortunately, Fairley falls here and DT is a position of need for the Titans.  
9. Dallas Cowboys: Prince Amukamara, CB Nebraska (6'0 206lbs)- Like a hot chick that just doesn't try hard enough in bed, Dallas underachieved and disappointed its fans.  A team with this talent shouldn't be picking this high, but Dallas' season was over the moment Michael Boley broke his dick off in Tony Romo's ass.  If Dallas were to find itself in this draft position though, I suspect Jerry Jones would have multiple orgasms and collapse in a heap as some poor intern bolted for the podium to get Amukamara's name in.  And no, the Football Ranter does give even a single shit that the Cowboys are claiming they're "set at the CB position" and "don't love Amukamara."  This is classic Jerry Jones smoke screen: tell everyone you want Tyron Smith even though you have never (never, as in not even once) selected an offensive lineman in the first round.  You can fool everyone else, but not the Football Ranter, Jerry.  You're on Prince Amukamara like Michael Jackson on a boy scout campout. (Too soon?  Probably too soon.) Don't believe the hype, this is a dream scenario for the 'Boys.  The only better situation would be if somehow Patrick Peterson fell all the way here, but the chances of that happening are the same as the Football Ranter having a drunken foursome with Eva Mendes, Rachel McAdams and Anna Kournikova.  It's one in a million...but we're sayin' there's a chance. 
10. Washington Redskins: Julio Jones, WR Alabama (6'4 211lbs)- A wide receiver before getting help on defense?  It's inconceivable!  No, it is not.  Washington's wide receiver situation is deplorable: an aging Santana Moss and a bunch of guys that can't make a play to save their own jobs.  Mike Shanahan has twice before picked a WR in the first round, and Julio Jones has all the talent in the world.  He exploded at the combine, posting better numbers than A.J. Green and looking better in the drills as well.  Admittedly, Shanahan's two previous first round wideouts (Ashlie Lelie and Marcus Nash) worked out about as well as eating Indian food before sex.  Having said that, Washington's defense is god awful along the line and the 'Skins could use another pass rusher as well since Andre Carter flopped at rush LB.  If they choose to go defense in the first round, pencil in Cameron Jordan or J.J. Watt as a possibilities here.
11. Houston Texans: Phil Taylor, NT Baylor (6'3 334lbs)- The Texans were Paris Hilton in the NFL last year- everyone scored on them.  So while this is a very aggressive ranking for Taylor, the Texans are switching from the get slammed in the ass D the 4-3 to the 3-4 and need a NT to make it work.  The Texans have a habit of drafting for need over value though and Taylor might have been the most impressive player at the Senior Bowl.  In any case, Gary Kubiak needs to get some help on D, or the Texans will waste another year of Matt Schaub's prime watching their defenders run around clucking like chickens with their heads cut off.  The other options here are to go pass rusher, where Aldon Smith, Akeem Ayers or even Brooks Reed could fit the bill.  Don't discount Justin Houston here either, if only because Wade Phillips may see the next Demarcus Ware in him.  And yes, the Football Ranter has a raging, unconcealed football-boner for Demarcus Ware.  The man is an unstoppable beast and every QB that plays him is lucky to live through the experience.  Fuck Yea Demarcus Ware!  (Ugh...it had to be a picture of him literally snapping his dick off in Eli Manning's ass didn't it...fuck my life.)  
12. Minnesota Vikings: Corey Liuget, DT Illinois (6'2 298lbs)- Old Man River finally rode off for good, sexting dick pics all the way into the sunset.  Favre finally retiring is good news for the rest of us, but bad news for the Vikes who are now in desperate need of a QB.  With Gabbert and The Entertainer off the board though, any other QB is a big reach here.  The Vikes could well try to trade down here, or they could trade for a more seasoned QB and draft a DT to replace the Williams Wall, which is ancient, as the Football Ranter has them doing here.  Liuget is a surprise this high, but word on the street is that 4-3 teams love him.  The pick could also be Cameron Jordan, or the Vikes could go DE and take Da'Quan Bowers.  Bowers is in free fall right now though because, well, he only has one knee, sir.  The Football Ranter is not a scientist, but even he knows that it is difficult to rush the passer as a cripple.  (We kid, we kid.  There is nothing at all wrong with being a cripple.  Well, except not being able to walk- there is definitely something wrong with that.  Welp, this apology hasn't gone as planned.  Shut it down.)       
13. Detroit Lions: Anthony Castonzo, OT Boston College (6'7 311lbs)- If the Lions want to make the playoffs, they need to start protecting their #1 investment, Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford.  They could wrap him in bubble wrap under his pads, or they could just do what they should have done years ago and draft a left tackle.  And no, Lions fans, Jeff Backus does not count.  Backus could be blocking a brick wall and still find a way to let it strip-sack Matthew Stafford.  After Tyron Smith weighed in at 307lbs at the combine he was widely considered the #1 OT in the draft.  However, questions have emerged about his ability to play left tackle, at least immediately.  Anthony Castonzo is viewed as a more pro-ready prospect who can slot into LT right away.  He doesn't have Smith's upside though, which is why Smith could still be the pick here.  Either way, keep Mr. Glass healthy and the Lions are dangerously close to being relevant again.  Or, as a loyal reader and staunch Lions fan pointed out, relevant for the first time ever.
14. St. Louis Rams: Aldon Smith, DE Missouri (6'4 263lbs)- The Rams need help on defense, especially along the line where Chris Long has finally begun to live up to his promise.  Aside from Long though, there isn't much there.  DT Fred Robbins is old and injury prone, DE James Hall is just old and then there's DT C.J. "Who" Ah You.  Funny enough, he had 4 sacks this year in limited action, but at 270lbs is purely a situational rusher.  Of course if he can rush the passer like that, they could move him to DE and then no one would ask "Who Ah You?" ever again.  (Eh?  Eh?  See what I did there?  Yea, that was awful.  Excuse me while I go kill myself.)  Regardless, Aldon Smith is a hellish beast of a pass rusher, but this pick could easily be Cameron Jordan, who would slot in at DT in Steve Spagnuolo's 4-3 scheme.  Many compare Smith to Jason Pierre-Paul last year, but he's accomplished more in college than JPP ever had when the Giants took him at #15 overall.  If Smith makes it this far, I put my money on Spags drafting the high-upside pass rusher over the solid DT.  
15. Miami Dolphins: J.J. Watt, DE Wisconsin (6'5 290lbs)- Finally!  Someone not mocking Mark Ingram to the 'Fins.  Well Lunatics, the Football Ranter still believes the pick could be Ingram.  Consider this a desperate plea for sanity from the Dolphins, or for the Fins to at least trade down before selecting Ingram.  It's true, Chad Henne blows goats, but there's no QB left to take at this point.  Some will say a RB is the next best thing to get the offense going, but the Football Ranter hates taking a RB in round 1 like he hates people who ride their bikes to work.  Join the 21st century you overachieving penis pumps, you're not Amish.  Fuck those people, they suck.  (Unless you are Amish, in which case...carry on.)  If anything has been proved in the last few years it's that good RB's can be found anywhere in the draft, so there's no need to waste a top pick and a ton of money on one in the first round.  Instead, Miami helps itself out on the defensive side of the ball and takes J.J. Watt to rejuvenate an aging D-Line that needs upgrades. 
16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue (6'4 267lbs)- The Jaguars draft history is a fucking mess.  Not in terms of talent, (they've actually had fairly good drafts despite sometimes reaching to draft players many felt would be available later) but rather in terms of need/value selections.  In both of Gene Smith's years as GM, Jacksonville has selected multiple players at positions of need.  In 2009 the Jags took 2 OT's in the first two rounds, and three (3!!) WR's in the 3rd, 4th and 7th rounds.  Then last year he selected back to back DT's followed by back to back DE's.  What does this mean for this year's draft?  It means that Smith could take a DE or lock on to a new position of need and draft the fuck out of it.  The Football Ranter had a CB here for months, but Brandon Harris' stock has fallen off a cliff and Jimmy Smith's character concerns will keep the Jags far, far away from him.  So unfortunately, the pick that makes the most sense now is the one everyone and their fucking mother has had for Jacksonville since the dawn of time.  The Football Ranter doesn't like it either, Lunatics, but this could be one of the three or four picks in every mainstream mock draft that ends up being correct.  It just makes too much sense from a need/value standpoint.          
17. New England Patriots: Tyron Smith, OT USC (6'5 307lbs)- The Dark Lord will almost certainly trade down here with so many good players still available.  The Pats need some reinforcements along the offensive line.  Matt Light is getting up there in age and Sebastian Vollmer is nothing special.  The Patriots really need a new OT and Tyron Smith fits the bill.  A good defensive lineman will probably be available at the Patriots next selection, so they grab a very good OT here before they're all gone.  Don't like this pick?  Too bad.  Bill Belichick finds your lack of faith disturbing.
18. San Diego Chargers: Cameron Jordan, DT/DE Cal (6'4 287lbs)- San Diego might be German for a "Whale's Vagina", but Charger is NFL for playoff choke-artist.  Turn the pressure up and this team folds like...well...I don't know.  Usually I compare other things that choke to the Chargers in the playoffs.  In any case, the Chargers need help all along the D-Line.  They really have next to nothing along the line aside from Luis Castillo and upgrades are desperately needed.  If the Bolts prefer Muhammad Wilkerson he could be the pick as well.  The two names are pretty interchangeable on this card.      
19. New York Giants: Nate Solder, OT Colorado (6'8 319lbs)- Speaking of choke artists, for the third straight year the G-Men coughed it up (literally) down the stretch.  The Giants paid big money to Antrel "Blown Coverage" Rolle to help fix the secondary and then watched that same secondary give up 10 plays of 40+ yards this year, 7th most in football.  A cornerback is certainly a possibility here, but the only ones worth taking at this spot are long gone.  That leaves the offensive line, which is aging, as the only major concern left for the Giants.  Current LT David Diehl's best asset is his ability to watch pass rushers fly by him and butt-fuck Eli Manning while he's busy trying to turn around.  Nate Solder is a fairly controversial player, as opinions are very divided about him, but he had a very good combine and Jerry Reese showed last year that he's not afraid to take the high upside player if he feels the risk/reward ratio is right.  Solder is a project though and if Castonzo is available the Football Ranter will shit his pants if the G-Men don't bolt for the podium to hand his name in.  
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Justin Houston, Rush LB/DE Georgia (6'3 270lbs)- The Buccaneers were a surprise this year, going 10-6 with help from a weak schedule.  If they want to be serious contenders in the NFC south, they need to generate a better pass rush.  Apparently the Bucs have a raging man-boner for Justin Houston, so Raheem Morris will try not to jizz in his pants as he sprints full speed to the podium to tackle Roger Goodell and get this pick in.  Justin Houston weighed in at 270lbs at the combine, which makes him the perfect size for a 4-3 DE.  Houston can get after the QB as well as anyone and is widely regarded as having good upside.  Many mocks have DE Adrian Clayborn going here, but fuck those mocks- they suck.  We're the Football Ranters and we're going to mock whoever the fuck we want here.  That's how we roll.
21. Kansas City Chiefs: Akeem Ayers, OLB UCLA (6'3 254lbs)- Speaking of teams that overachieved due to a weak schedule, the Chiefs showed their true colors in the playoff debacle in which Baltimore ripped KC's dick off, beat them senseless with it and then fed it to them.  We at Football Ranters believe that the blame can be laid squarely at the feet of Matt "Why did the Pats have to trade me" Cassel, who turned in an impressive impersonation of Jimmy Claussen in that embarrassment of a football game.  Football Ranters would tell the Chiefs to blow it up and draft a QB if there was one worth taking.  Unfortunately, no QB's, #1 WR's or TE's available are worth being taken here.  Instead the Chiefs will give teams someone to worry about across from Tamba Hali.  First, people doubted Ayers' ability to rush the passer.  Now analysts are saying his best asset is...wait for it...his ability to rush the passer.  Does anyone really know what the fuck is going on with Akeem Ayers?  At this rate, next week his best asset will be his ability to catch a live chicken, but scouts will be debating his fear of flightless birds.  Memo to scouting departments: get your shit together, this kind of thing is fucking embarrassing.   It's possible that the Chiefs, who often draft based on scheme, will agree with the first impression and not pick Ayers.  But if they feel he can rush the passer, he's a great pick for them. 
22. Indianapolis Colts: Derek Sherrod, OT Mississippi State (6'5 321lbs)- The Colts offensive line let The Godfather get sacked 16 times this year, the most since 2007.  Their run blocking went from bad to "light self on fire and leap from window to avoid seeing" awful.  In short, they need help along the O-Line, preferably with multiple picks.  That would start here by drafting Sherrod, who would hopefully take over at LT for the Horseshoes.  It's not a secret that the Colts will be looking at O-Linemen either, Bill Polian admitted as much himself.  Long live the Godfather!
23. Philadelphia Eagles: Gabe Carimi, OT Wisconsin (6'7 314lbs)- Andy "I'm still hungry" Reid loves to draft along the interior lines.  After moving up to take Brandon Graham last year, Fat Andy will go to the other side of the ball this year.  Former 2nd rounder Winston Justice is as good at playing right tackle as the Football Ranter is at being politically correct: sometimes it just looks like he's not even trying.  I'm sure Winston still has visions of Osi Umenyiora sprinting past him and waving before junk-punching Donovan McNabb.  An upgrade is needed and Carimi is the best player available at a position of need.  Andy Reid shouldn't have to put his sandwich down to get this pick in, though I'm sure he'll still botch the clock management by trying to call a timeout during the 10 minutes he has to make the pick.  Benjamin Ijalana is also a possibility here if Reid doesn't love Carimi.
24. New Orleans Saints: Mark Ingram, RB Alabama (5'10 215lbs)- Sean Payton took defensive backs in the first round the last two years because New Orleans needed help in the secondary.  Now Reggie Bush's contract is almost up, Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory cannot stay healthy and the Saints need a RB like Kim Kardashian needs black penis.  However, since drafting Reggie "The Disappointment" Bush #2 overall in 2006, Sean Payton has drafted only one other RB in 4 years.  The Saints also just resigned Pierre Thomas to a 3-year deal.  On the other hand, Ingram falling this far would be a coup for the Saints.  It's a tough choice here, but if Ingram is somehow still on the board the Football Ranter doesn't see Payton passing on him.     
25. Seattle Seahawks: Da'Quan Bowers, DE Clemson (6'3 280lbs)- The Seachickens' roster gargles my balls- this team is terrible.  I know what you're going to say Seachicken fans, "Hey, Fuck you Football Ranter.  This team won a playoff game against the defending world champions.  Eat a dick, then kill yourself."  No thank you, I'll pass.  Instead, consider the fact that this is still a 7-9 team in the weakest division in football.  They couldn't throw the ball, they couldn't run the ball, and they really couldn't stop anyone else from doing either of those things either (See for yourself).  This team made it because the Rams choked on their own dicks in the final week of the season.  There are so many holes on this roster a picture of it would look like the Titanic.  The #1 thing that needs to be addressed is Matty Nice's successor.  Originally, the Football Ranter envisioned a reach for either Colin Kaepernick or Christian Ponder, but the Seachickens did a nice job last year of waiting for talent to fall to them and then pouncing.  If Bowers makes it this far, they'll do the same and worry about a QB in round two.  However, the same logic as before applies and if the 'Hawks desperately want a QB they'll grab one here. 
26. Baltimore Ravens: Muhammed Wilkerson, DT/DE Temple (6'5 305lbs)- Many mocks have Baltimore taking a WR here due to the epic dump Anquan Boldin/TJ Houshmandzadeh took all over the field in the playoffs against Pittsburgh.  Both high priced wideouts dropped passes that might have won the game for the Ravens.  Their performances may have earned them a night-time beating with a sock full of bars of soap by Joe Flacco, but considering what the Ravens gave up to go out and get those two, I don't believe they'll waste yet another pick on a WR.  Instead John Harbaugh addresses the awful situation along the defensive line, where Kelly Gregg and Cory Redding are the current starters aside from Superman.  The Ravens need to fix this and Wilkerson is a good fit here.  Harbaugh likes his 3-4 linemen BIG; the Ravens don't have a defensive lineman that weighs less than 292lbs.  Wilkerson is a good value here and fits the Ravens requirements at a position of need.
27. Atlanta Falcons: Kyle Rudolph, TE Notre Dame (6'6 258lbs)- The Dirty Birds and Matty "Ice?" need help on offense.  Tony Gonzalez is a surefire hall of famer who had a good season, but he's declining and his time is nearly up.  Harry Douglas has not impressed anyone so far.  Roddy White is a god, but he's all they have in the passing game.  Matty Ice? needs another target to throw to, be that a TE or a WR.  This is a little high to take TE Kyle Rudolph, who may fall into the second round due to injury concerns, but the Dirty Birds do not have many options.  Jonathan Baldwin is a sick freak of nature who can catch a bald eagle with his bare hands, beat up Chuck Norris and divide by zero, but character concerns and a poor pro day showing have him dropping like a rock.  Torrey Smith projects as a #2 wideout, not a top WR on a playoff team.  Rudolph, on the other hand, has legit 1st round talent- injuries are the only concern here.    
28. New England Patriots: Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado (6'2 211lbs)- If the draft actually falls out like this, I'll sacrifice a goat to Satan in the middle of 5th Avenue if The Dark Lord doesn't trade out of this pick.  If not though, the Patriots need another CB to pair with Devin McCourty and Jimmy Smith is a good fit since character concerns vanish at the feet of the Dark Lord.  They could of course go defense yet again and help bolster their line, which could use a quality DE next to Mount Wilfork.  Now, if the Patriots traded out of the 17th overall pick earlier, then they would likely hold this one and select a DB.  Whether that's Jimmy Smith, Aaron Williams, Curtis Brown, or even FS Raheem Moore is up for debate.  Hate this pick?  Good.  Let the hate flow through you.   
29. Chicago Bears: Mike Pouncey, G Florida (6'5 313lbs)- Da Bears offensive line is full of more holes than Jesus at the end.  Unless Lovie Smith wants to see Jay Cutler be crushed to death at the bottom of a heap of sweaty men as badly as the Football Ranter does, they need to get him some help along the line.  Mike Pouncey will probably go higher than this in the actual draft, but at this slot he represeents a good chance for Da Bears to get good value and satisfy a need.  So they have that going for them...which is nice.  
30. New York Jets: Cameron Heyward, DE/DT Ohio State (6'5 294lbs) Brooks Reed, DE/ROLB Arizona (6'3 263lbs)- The Football Ranter can understand that the Jets might be wary about taking another bustacular bust Ohio State defensive end.  But what are the other options here?  The Jets need help either at Rush LB or along the line and since no rushers are available here that make sense, Heyward makes for a solid pick that should help the Jets get to the QB.  If the J-E-T-S can't get past taking another Ohio State DE, then pencil in Brooks Reed for this slot.  In truth, Reed could go much higher than this, so he would be perfectly acceptable here.  Ok fine, you got me.  Reed will probably be the pick if he's available.  No chance the Jets roll the dice on another "questionable motor" Ohio State cockbasket like Heyward.  Fuck Ohio State!  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!     
31. Pittsburgh Steelers: Benjamin Ijalana, G/OT Villanova (6'4 313lbs)- The Steelers are consistently good because they draft the best player available, regardless of position.  It wouldn't surprise the Football Ranter for Ijalana to go five picks earlier than this and the Steelers still need help along the O-Line.  Benjamin Ijalana was a guard, but many teams believe that with his size he could play right tackle.  He could easily be the pick if he's still here and no better prospect falls this far (MIKE POUNCEY, COUGH).  The Steelers could use a WR to apprentice under the good but declining Hines Ward as well, so if they go that direction Torrey Smith is an option here.  Either way, Big Ben approves of this pick. 
32. Green Bay Packers: Ryan Williams, RB Virginia Tech (5'10 202lbs)- It really doesn't matter who the Reigning Champs pick so long as Aaron Rodgers continues to cut up defenses like an emo 14 year old cuts himself.  The one thing they do need though is a running back.  Ryan Grant is coming off a huge injury and James Starks had his moments, but is unproven.  This is higher than most mocks have Williams, but at this point he's the third best RB in the draft and he won't be there when the Packers pick at the end of the second round.  The Pack could also try to grab an offensive lineman here to pair with Bryan Bulaga when Chad Clifton retires or becomes ineffective.  If so, pencil in Stefan Wisniewski or even Joseph Barksdale for the pick.

That's this update on the Football Ranters' Mock draft.  Check back soon for our next one.  Until next time, Lunatics.