When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft months after it happens is completely arbitrary. It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation. Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters. Many will never even make a team out of training camp. Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.
Check out the grades after the jump. All picks have now been included.
- Carolina Panthers: Marty Hurney took the plunge and made The Entertainer the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL draft, confirming that the Panthers know what the rest of the league figured out long ago: that Jimmy Claussen is "please stop raping my eyes" bad at QB. Newton is the ultimate high-risk/high-reward selection. This draft pick will either haunt Carolina for years or have them back in the playoffs within a few seasons. Which will it be? Well, Cam Newton ran the simplest NCAA offense since the Single Wing. He threw a total of 282 passes during his entire one (1!!) year of starting NCAA division one experience and he has major character questions after getting into trouble at both Florida and Auburn for stealing a laptop and then for his father trying to get him $180,000 to play college football. So to put it lightly, that's the bad news. The good news is that Cam Newton kept on winning while doing all of the above. He won two national titles, the first at Junior College before he arrived at Auburn and the second this past year. The value of coming from a winning environment when helping to turn a miserable team around is an important trait for a leader to have, so it's a good thing Newton has it. With no second round pick, Newton more or less is the Panther's draft, though they picked up a couple solid if unspectacular DTs in round three that could start for them this year. Training camp should give Panthers fans some hope, as Newton hasn't looked terrible under center thus far. OVERALL GRADE: C+; PICTURE GRADE: You may not like him, but here's what he is to Panthers fans.
- Denver Broncos: Draft a great pass rusher #2 overall then stick him at 4-3 OLB where he'll almost never get to rush the passer? Sure, why the hell not? We're the fuckin' Denver Broncos, that's how we roll. Look, this is not a judgment against Von Miller. He could end up being a great player, or he could end up never reaching his potential. Bottom line is, there's enough risk with rookies as it is. Why not put them in the best position to succeed? While the Von Miller pick alone would be a solid B, since Miller has tremendous upside but doesn't fit the system very well, safety Rahim Moore in the second round was an excellent pick- the Broncos needed help desperately at free safety. However, the Broncos have No One and his wife, Susan Walters-No One at DT and needed to draft someone to help out at that position. Well that mission was an utter fucking failure as the Broncos didn't draft even a single DT. Miller has looked great rushing the passer during the preseason, but as expected has struggled a bit in the 4-3. Doesn't change the grade at all. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Sorry Broncos fans, Josh McDaniels did what he wanted and apparently John Fox does too.
- Buffalo Bills: It all started out so well for the Bills. They can't stop the run, they need help on the D-Line, BOOM! Marcell Dareus in your grill piece. Eat shit rest of the country, the Bills are BACK. They are fucking back! I can't wait to see who they pick ne- OH GOD NO. WHY! But it had so much promise! Nope, Chan Gailey came to his senses just in time to shove his cock and both balls deep into the assholes of Bills fans everywhere. Three defensive backs? Another running back? Do the Bills get some sort of prize (the prize is a banana) if they draft a RB every year? Oh, and just in case you want to argue this was a good draft, the Bills fired their head scout just days after the draft. If that's not a ringing endorsement of all the players he just took, I don't know what is. I look forward to writing about Chan Gailey's next "holy fucking god, why??" draft next year! Preseason update: Dareus has looked beastly so far. He remains the only saving grace of an otherwise shitheap draft class. OVERALL GRADE: D+; PICTURE GRADE: On the bright side, at least it's only a single facepalm this year.
- Cincinnati Bengals: According to many pundits, the Bungles had a pretty good draft. They needed a WR, they got A.J. Green. They needed a QB in case Carson Palmer really is done throwing pick sixes and they got Andy Dalton (this man has no soul). They needed help at guard and they got Clint Boling. So where's the problem? The problem is that teams who draft wideouts this high usually end up regretting it. Wide Receivers touch the ball 10 plays per game on a good day, most teams run 50 offensive plays per game. Not the ratio you look for in a #4 overall pick. As for Dalton, is he better than Carson Palmer? Doubtful. Why is he being anointed the franchise savior before he ever takes a snap? This is someone the Vikings and Titans, two teams in desperate need of a starting QB, passed on. Maybe Dalton can be a quality QB, but clearly a number of teams preferred other quarterbacks in a notably weak QB class. So did the Bengals fill needs? Yes, they did. Did they get talented players? On paper, yes. If you're a Bungles fan, you'll take that considering your team's history- but buyer beware on this draft class. Confirming the Football Ranter's fear, Dalton has looked lost and Green has looked fantastic...but the offense still sucks. Big surprise there. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: Everyone else seems to love it, but the Football Ranter remains unimpressed.
- Arizona Cardinals: Well Lunatics, there's no hiding it. The Football Ranter has a raging football hard-on for Patrick Peterson. Taking the next Champ Bailey or Charles Woodson gets an A, even though corner wasn't a huge need for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, the Cards followed that up with RB Ryan Williams in the second round, which is like following a delicious 16oz steak with a tall glass of asparagus-laden piss. The Cardinals already have former 1st rounder Beanie Wells at RB and Ryan Williams is coming off a down year in his college career. Not to mention they have an offensive line who couldn't block a statue, quarterbacks that no one cares to block for anyway because they blow goats and they have no one to rush the opposing passer except 4th round pick Sam Acho. So let me explain; no, there is too much. Let me sum up. The Cardinals have no quarterback, no offensive line and no pass rush. They had every opportunity to acquire hope at those positions in this draft and utterly failed to do so until the 4th round. If this was a rebuilding project, I would have no objection. But with Ken Wisenhunt on the hot seat, this draft strategy makes as much sense as asking Captain Hook for a hand job.
The only explanation is that they intend to trade for Kevin KolbThe Cards turned around and traded for Kevin Kolb as everyone thought they would, which is all well and good, except that behind this line he'll be spending most of his time like this. Preseason update: Patrick Peterson has looked inconsistent in training camp- making some very solid plays and getting burned a few times as well. Par for the course for a good rookie in a short offseason. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Can't tell if very smart or very stupid. - Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons really went all-in on this one, betting the farm on WR Julio Jones. Mark these words: the Dirty Birds are going to regret this trade for years to come. They broke two major rules of drafting that smart teams do not break. First, as the Football Ranter said above, teams usually regret spending a top ten draft pick on a wideout (see Lions, Detroit 2001-2007). Second, teams almost always regret dealing multiple high picks for one non-quarterback player (see Chargers, San Diego 2010). Atlanta went ahead and did both of those things, practically begging the gods to shove a lightning bolt up Julio Jones' ass. Now this is not to say that Julio Jones won't be a good player. Quite the opposite, he has the talent to be a true #1 WR in the NFL. The problem is that almost no player on earth, short of a franchise QB, is worth multiple first round picks. The risk of injury or bust is too high for anyone, much less a player that is only going to impact 20% of the offensive snaps. Oh, and don't give the Football Ranter this "but he's a great run blocker too!" bullshit. Cause yea, that's why teams draft wide receivers, to block. The bottom line is, the Birds needed help at WR, DE, CB, TE and Safety. Instead they traded away half their draft and half of next year's draft for a wideout who has trouble catching the football. Preseason update: Julio Jones has looked unstoppable at time, but his latest preseason performance was disappointing. Again, this kid has to be the second coming of T.O. to make this trade worth it. Overall Grade: D; PICTURE GRADE: So stupid that you can't help but wonder how this was even possible.
- San Francisco 49ers: Before the draft, the Football Ranter believed this was one of the toughest picks to get right. Sure enough, the 49ers surprised everyone and took Aldon Smith 7th overall. Believe it or not though, the Football Ranter is a big fan of this pick. The Niners need a legit pass-rusher like Batman needs his parents back and Aldon Smith has the potential to do that. Was #7 overall too high for Smith? Probably. He's a developmental project that probably won't have the immediate impact you expect from a top 10 pick. That being said, the 49ers didn't panic and reach for a mediocre quarterback, they waited until round 2 and took Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick is also a bit of a project who will take a couple years to develop, but the 49ers are rebuilding. They have a couple of years to let a franchise QB and a premier pass rusher develop. On top of picking a couple high upside players, the Niners did a great job of addressing their top 3 needs: QB, ROLB and CB. The only issue the Football Ranter has is with 3rd round pick Chris Culliver. It was a reach for a guy with an injury history longer than Patrick Ewing's dong. Preseason update: Aldon Smith has looked phenomenal thus far, giving Niners fans hope that the Niners finally have the missing piece of their defense. OVERALL GRADE: A-; PICTURE GRADE: Unexpected, but actually pretty awesome.
- Tennessee Titans: Rumors began circulating about a week before the draft that the Titans loved
the cockJake Locker. In several iterations of the Football Ranter Mock Draft, the Football Ranter hoped that Bud Adams would fight his nature and not reach for a QB. Unfortunately no, the Titans decided to put their franchise in the hands of a quarterback who couldn't win in college and whose completion percentage is lower thanMagic Johnson's white blood cell countSnooki's IQ. To be fair, Locker isn't all downside; just mostly downside. Bud Adams has now reached twice for mobile quarterbacks with terrible accuracy and there isn't a ton of hope this pick turns out better than the last one. The saving grace of this draft is that the Titan's had very solid 2nd and 3rd round picks, filling needs at LB and DT with Akeem Ayers and Jurrell Casey. Ayers projects as quality 4-3 OLB and Casey is a good penetrating 4-3 DT, though the Titans really could have used a bigger DT to rotate with the undersized Jason Jones. Preseason update: Jake Locker has been totally inconsistent thus far, throwing up QB Ratings of 130 and 35 in consecutive games. Accuracy has been an issue for Locker so far- no surprise there. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: No matter how many times Bud Adams screws up, he just keeps coming back for more. - Dallas Cowboys: In over twenty years of running the Dallas Cowboys draft room, Jerry Jones had never taken an offensive lineman in the first round. Well fuck you too, Jerry. This was a huge miss in the Football Ranter mock draft and it's possible we're a little bitter about it. In any case, back to
Sir Fagalot'sJerry Jones' draft. Dallas watched as their franchise QB was violated repeatedly while the aging Dallas O-line stood by powerless to help. It's questionable as to whether Tyron Smith projects as a left tackle long-term, but regardless of where he plays he's a big upgrade for the Cowboys. #9 seems a touch high for Smith, but he's got good upside and fills a huge need. Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, Jerry fell off the wagon again with their second and third round picks. OLB Bruce Carter has tremendous athleticism, but has never played to his potential in his career. It's a huge risk/reward pick and the Cowboys don't have a huge need at OLB. Demarco Murray in the third round is an even bigger head scratcher, as he's viewed by many as a poor man's Felix Jones. Considering Felix Jones is already a poor man's Darren McFadden and that, you know, the Cowboys already have Felix Jones on the roster, this pick made less sense than Sheriff Raptor Jesus defending the wild west. Preseason update: Tyron smith has wowed observers at Cowboys camp and help keep opposing defenses from straight up murdering Tony Romo's ass. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: It had it's moments (Kate Winslet full frontal), but you know it's bound to end tragically. - Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars gave up multiple high picks for the only position that it's acceptable to do so: a potential franchise QB. The Jaguars clearly believe David Garrard blows dolphin cock and can't lead them on a deep playoff run. When Gabbert fell to #10, the Jags were on it like Charlie Sheen on an eight ball of coke and dealt their 2nd rounder to the Redskins to move up and grab him. The Football Ranter is skeptical of Gabbert's late rise to prominence and lack of experience in a pro-style offense, but he fell into a good situation with Jacksonville: a run-heavy team with an established QB he can sit behind for a year or two while he develops. The problem with this pick is that the Jaguars are using a cardboard cutout of Aaron Kampman at DE and can't get to Peyton Manning or Matt Schaub to save their lives. The pick of guard Will Rackley was solid and should help Gabbert in the long run, but this move reeks of "rebuilding" with some high picks spent on DE next year. Preseason update: Gabbert looked lost in his debut, which is unsurprising since he was supposed to sit behind David Garrard until he could get his feet under him. Gabbert needs time to develop into a franchise QB, but that's nothing we didn't already know. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: Jacksonville collaborated with the French government on this draft.
- Houston Texans: Garbage defense is like death and taxes to the Houston Texans: a part of life. Ranked 30th in the NFL in total defense, the Texans couldn't stop a mentally deficient three-legged turtle from scoring. To their credit, they seem to have finally gotten the message. First the Texans hired Wade Phillips, who happens to BE a mentally deficient three-legged turtle, but has always been an excellent defensive coordinator. Second, and much more important, the Texans got what appear to be quality players at positions of need on defense. Switching from the 4-3 to the 3-4 requires a ton of new personnel and the Texans took step one in making it work by selecting 3-4 DE J.J. Watt in round 1 and ROLB Brooks Reed in round 2. Then they traded into round 2 again to select cornerback Brandon Harris, who was at one point considered a first round prospect. Resisting the urge to reach for less talented players simply because they fit their system is a good step in the right direction for this Franchise. Unfortunately, they followed all of this up by announcing their intention to move 6'7 290lb top DE Mario Williams to Rush LB, which is sort of like catching Optimus Prime masturbating- at first you can only think that it shouldn't be possible, then you're just shocked, disgusted and disappointed (believe it or not, that picture is safe for work!). Fortunately for Texans fans, the Football Ranter doesn't include dumbass personnel decisions in the draft grades. OVERALL GRADE: A-; PICTURE GRADE: There's a lot of work to be done, but this is a solid first step.
- Minnesota Vikings: There's no sugar coating this one, the Vikings got desperate when they saw Newton, Gabbert and Locker fly off the board in front of them and they wasted the 12th overall selection on arguably the 6th best QB in a weak draft. This has been said before, but what the Vikings did here is the equivalent of seeing all your friends leave the bar with girls and finally at 4am taking a sea monster home just to avoid feeling left out. With needs all along the O-line, at CB, DT, TE and LB, and a number of very talented players still on the board, reaching for a QB was a classic "bad team" mistake. The only positive thing that can be said about this draft is that the Vikings made some solid picks in the following rounds, saving them from the dreaded "worst fucking draft of 2011" grade. TE Kyle Rudolph (round 2), DE Christian Ballard (round 4) and CB Brandon Burton (Round 5) all filled needs and went a round after they reasonably could have. Regardless, we'll all look forward to the Vikings selecting in the top 10 again next year. Preseason update: Ponder has looked decent during preseason, but like Gabbert and Newton he'll need time to reach even his limited potential. OVERALL GRADE: D-; PICTURE GRADE: Desperation is a stinky cologne.
- Detroit Lions: And former possible number 1 pick Nick Fairley finds a home. This is a very difficult pick to grade. On the one hand, Fairley would pull apart a bus full of schoolchildren to get to the QB and rip his spine out his ass (this is a skill people are paid very well for in the NFL, so don't act all goody-goody about it...pussies.). On the other hand, there are concerns about his work ethic and how he'll handle a 20 million dollar paycheck. If consistently motivated, Fairley could give the Lions a top 5 defensive line in the NFL. If not, then this team just took a huge step back at a time when they seemed to be on the right track. Really, all of the Lions picks fall into the "big risk/big reward" category. Titus Young and Mikel LeShoure have their flaws, but give Matthew "Mr. Glass" Stafford more options on offense. That leads us to the big problem with this draft though- the Lions didn't fix anything that was wrong with their team. The secondary is still atrocious, the offensive line still can't protect Mr. Glass and the linebacker corps is still bush league. The Football Ranter believes in the "Best Player Available" draft system, but not the pure BPA system the Lions seem to employ. Need has to temper best player available when the two line up, and how the Lions passed on Prince Amukamara or Robert Quinn is beyond my comprehension. The only explanation is that they feel Fairley is much better than either Quinn or Amukamara. They had better be right. Preseason update: Mikel Leshoure is done for the year and Nick Fairley had surgery on his foot and will miss at least a month. The injury bug is ruining this draft class for the Lions, as Leshoure's injury is BAD and it's entirely possible he'll never be the same runner again. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: Some will think it's awesome, others will hate it.
- St. Louis Rams: Steve Spagnuolo reportedly screamed, slapped an intern, then uncontrollably busted a nut all over the draft room conference table when Robert Quinn fell this far. So, I suppose the general thesis here would be that Spags did some celebrating after this pick. It was warranted though; the Rams desperately needed help at DE across from Chris Long and they got Quinn, who could have gone in the top 5 picks. The rest of their draft was not nearly as impressive, however. The Rams grabbed TE Lance Kendricks in round 2, who has tremendous potential but needs time to develop. Not a bad pick by any means, but nothing spectacular either. After that they picked a couple of wide receivers who project as 3rd options in an NFL offense. This team has the right idea though: throw the ball and stop the other team from throwing the ball and you will win in the NFL. Preseason update: Quinn has been great so far, not bad for a guy who hasn't played football since 2009. OVERALL GRADE: A-; PICTURE GRADE: The reaction to getting Robert Quinn at #14 overall.
- Miami Dolphins: Many people like the Mike Pouncey pick, but the Football Ranter does not. Guard is simply not an important enough position to justify being selected #15 overall, particularly when the guard in question is not considered an elite talent. Mike Pouncey is widely viewed to be an inferior player to his brother Maurkice, selected 18th overall last year by the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Dolphins followed in round 2 with Daniel Thomas, a solid RB who should help replace the ball-garglingly bad Ronnie Brown when the Dolphins inevitably tell him to GTFO. Look, will these players make the Dolphins better? Probably. Will these players make the Miami Dolphins a playoff team? No, they won't. The Dolphins need a QB who doesn't melt in crunch time and who can find his own receivers rather than attempting to shove his entire head into his own sphincter before handing the ball directly to opposing defensive backs. Unfortunately for them, all they have is Chad Henne. This was a tough spot to pick for the 'Fins, as none of their primary needs lined up with the value available at the draft slot. A trade down would have served them better, but sometimes moving simply isn't possible. Preseason update: How do you evaluate a Guard in the preseason? Worse than that, who gives a fuck- the Dolphins are going to suck anyway. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Easily the most boring draft of any team this year.
- Washington Redskins: The 'Skins draft hinges on the ability of talented players to make adjustments to the pro game. I know, I know. "Wow, thank you Nostradamus. You don't say. What do you have for us next, Football Ranter? Rain depends on whether or not there are clouds in the sky? Go suck a bag of dicks, then light yourself on fire. A blind lemur with AD-HD knows more about football than you." To which I say, wow. That was actually pretty good. In any case, the Redskins selected some quality players, but they're asking them to make a big leap at the next level. First rounder Ryan Kerrigan was a 4-3 DE in college and he'll be asked to switch to 3-4 ROLB. Second rounder Jarvis Jenkins was a 4-3 DT in college, he'll likely play 3-4 DE in the pros. Finally, third rounder Leonard Hankerson is going to have learn how to catch the ball consistently in order to be a productive NFL wide receiver. But the biggest issue with this draft was Mike Shanahan's staunch refusal to draft a QB. Not only did he not select one, he traded out of the tenth slot to let another team jump up and take one. As a result, the Redskins are going into this year with John Beck or Rex Grossman as the projected starters, since they're almost certainly going to cut Donovan McNabb. They'd be better off putting the throwing machine back there and just having it hand off to...well, no one. Look there's no other way to put it, so I'll just say it: the Redskins suck throbbing donkey cock. Their roster is barren and they need to rebuild from the ground up. Not drafting a QB this year was an acknowledgment of this- they want a top 3 pick next year so they can take Andrew Luck or Matt Barkley. As far as long term plans go, I've heard worse. Preseason update: Kerrigan has looked OK so far in his new 3-4 ROLB position, so only time will tell with how well his transition goes. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: This is about all Redskins fans can expect this season.
- New England Patriots: Against all odds, the Dark Lord didn't trade back and actually picked a player here. Analyzing the Patriots draft is sort of like trying to find out who killed JFK. There are a lot of wild theories, but the truth isn't nearly as interesting as you'd like it to be. (Yes, the Football Ranter does know who killed JFK. Wait, was that not him? My bad, shut it down.) It's no secret: the Pats needed help on the offensive line, at cornerback and outside linebacker. Nate Solder makes perfect sense at #17 overall. He's a big boy at 6'8, so if he can develop properly he's the perfect left tackle for a Patriots team that relies heavily on it's pass protection to win games. The flip side is that Solder is raw and many scouts were not high on his ability to adjust to the bull rush of pro-pass rushers; especially when Solder was abused during a few games at the end of last season. Regardless, if anyone can turn him into a productive NFL tackle, it's the Dark Lord. Unfortunately, the next several picks went from "I don't like it, but I see where they were going with that" to "did Chan Gailey break into the Patriots war room and start making picks while Belichick was taking a shit?" Ras-I Dowling (note: he is not the bad guy from Batman Begins) has immense talent but couldn't stay on the field if you sedated him and tied him to a goal post. He literally pulled his hamstring running the 40 at the combine. The Patriots are not a team so stacked at CB that they can afford to take a huge risk at the position. That wasn't the worst though, they somehow followed that up by taking two running backs (Shane Vereen and Stevan Ridley) #56 and #73 overall. The Pats could use fresh blood at running back, so the Vereen pick is defensible. But to go with Ridley immediately afterward, especially with Mikel LeShoure still on the board, makes absolutely no sense. Running backs truly are a dime a dozen in the NFL and the Pats had much more pressing needs. Plus, Vereen is the poor man's Jahvid best, who is the poor man's- you know what, we all know where this is going. The fact is, Vereen is a solid RB, but he's nothing mind-blowing. Ridley is worse. Finally, the Pats made two other moves that bumped their draft grade up a level. First, dealing the 28th overall pick to New Orleans and picking up extra 2011 second and 2012 first round picks. Great move for them, as next year's draft class is supposed to be much stronger than this year's class. Second, picking Ryan Mallett in the third round. This is a zero risk, potentially high reward play. Perhaps the Dark Lord can find new ways to motivate Mallet. If not, and Mallet can't grow the fuck up and learn to play under Belichick, they only spent a late third round pick on him. On the other hand, he has the talent to be the successor to Tom Brady, or they can flip him for a first or second round pick in a few years. Preseason update: Solder has looked fantastic thus far, so the Dark Lord appears validated at this point. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: Mixed feelings about this one, but respect the power of the dark side.
- San Diego Chargers: The Chargers continued their recent streak of first round head-scratchers, taking Corey Liuget with the 18 overall pick. Liuget's best talent is his ability to penetrate and disrupt plays in the backfield, a skill he'll get to use
oftennot at all playing DE in San Diego's 3-4 scheme. Nonetheless, Liuget is a solid talent who may still find a way to make himself useful. Things could be worse for Chargers fans. Unfortunately they did get worse when the second round rolled in. First the Bolts took CB/Safety Marcus Gilchrist to essentially replace Antonio Cromartie who was traded to the Jets. Let's be clear, Gilchrist is no Cromartie. He may not have the speed to play corner at the next level and had just one (1!!) interception and eight passes defensed in his final season at Clemson. Not exactly impressive numbers, but with a need at CB this pick is at least within the realm of rationality. Speaking of which, let's leave that realm and move on to LB Jonas Mouton. Considered by many to be a fifth or sixth round selection at best, the Chargers grabbed him at #61 overall. Mouton's main impact is purported to be on special teams and taking a special teams player in the second round is a bit like lighting a brillo pad on fire then using it to wipe your ass. Sure, you can do it. But...why??? Pick the best player available to augment an already excellent roster and move on with life. Preseason update: The Chargers have used Liuget as a penetrating 3-4 DE and molded the system to fit his best skills. Odd way to go about it, but with that this pick grade probably gets bumped up to a C+. OVERALL GRADE: C-; PICTURE GRADE: Why??? Just...why? - New York Giants: The G-Men, like the Chargers, have a super-talented roster that seems to morph into dog shit at all the wrong times. The Football Ranter declared prior to the draft that the Giants' biggest need was not along the offensive line or at linebacker, but at cornerback; and that if Big Blue was tired of knowing exactly how Desean Jackson's ass tastes twice a year, they needed to draft a replacement for CB Aaron Ross (who proved against the Colts, Eagles and Packers that he a) cannot stay healthy and b) can't guard a half-eaten twinkie that Andy Reid discarded at halftime). So when Prince Amukamara somehow fell to the Giants and rumors began circulating that Old Man Coughlin's uncontrollable boner killed a staffer in the Giants' draft room, the Football Ranter was inclined to believe it. His Royal Highness falling all the way to #19 gets the Football Ranter's coveted "Steal of the 1st Round" Award, which is the draft equivalent of getting a double blow job (safe for work!) from Mila Kunis and Minka Kelly. (If you didn't whack it to those pics, you are not human. And no, I don't care if you're a girl or gay. Those two chicks are that absurdly smoking hot. There are celibate monks in the mountains of Tibet who would bludgeon each other to death with a wooden cooking spoon just to smell the fart one of those two left behind after they walked past...but I digress.) As for the rest of the Giants draft, let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Second round pick Marvin Austin has first round talent and is a great fit for the G-Men 4-3 defense. Third rounder Jerrel Jernigan projects as a solid slot receiver and a quality return man, something the Giants sorely lacked last season. Finally the Giants got high upside OT James Brewer in the 4th round. Brewer is a project, but he has the potential to play LT in the NFL. You take that out of a 4th round pick. Preseason update: Prince Amukamara broke his foot in just his second overall practice. Well, I suppose I'll just go fuck myself then. OVERALL GRADE: A; PICTURE GRADE: GM Jerry Reese was shooting fish in a barrel on this one.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Bucs are a team on the rise that had a huge need at defensive end. Well consider that need addressed when the Bucs managed to get Adrian "One Armed Man" Clayborn and Da'Quan "One Knee" Bowers with their top two picks. Doing a little charity work for the cripple population is commendable, but the Football Ranter questions why many pundits were practically jerking the Bucs off over the Bowers pick. Bowers' knee is an absolute train wreck. If he can stay on the field for even 12 games a year, the Bucs have to be thrilled with that. Bowers was acceptable value in the late second round, but unless he turns into Wolverine and his knee magically heals, this pick carries a lot of risk. As for Clayborn, his Erbs Palsey limits the strength and reach of his right arm. Clayborn is reportedly a hard worker who projects as more of a solid starter than elite pass rusher, which is fine when you have Gerald McCoy and Brian Price at DT. Third round LB Mason Foster was a solid selection as well, though it was curious to see the Bucs pass on a CB early in the draft considering Aqib Talib is going to leave the team to play for the Detention Center Shower Rapists and Ronde Barber is so old he was in Jesus' entourage...until he left him hangin' to go play ball. Overall though, the Bucs addressed their top need with some talented players and got an acceptable blend of risk and talent. Preseason update: Bowers has remained (relatively) healthy through two preseason games and Adrian Clayborn has been quite good. Too early to make any rash judgments, but if this holds up the Bucs might take down the "Best Draft of 2011 Award." OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: This draft has Sean Connery potential...but it could also turn out to be Timothy Dalton.
- Cleveland Browns: New coach, new defense, new quarterback, same old sad-sack Cleveland Browns. The Football Ranter has been to funerals less depressing than a discussion about the state of this franchise. The Browns draft was completely schizophrenic. They started off by dealing the #6 overall pick to Atlanta for a King's Ransom, which gets an A+ from the Football Ranter. A rebuilding team that needs a big infusion of talent makes a brilliant move by picking up extra picks. They fleeced the Dirty Birds in this trade and all was well in Brown Town. (is that racist? That might be racist.) As usual though, it didn't stay that way for long. The Brownies promptly turned around and dealt their third rounder to move up 5 spots and take gifted nose tackle Phil Taylor. A great pick for the 3-4 Browns defense which needs a nose tackle after cutting Shaun Rogers- wait, what? The Browns switched to a 4-3? Well what the fuck did they move up 5 spots to take a nose tackle for then? Look, Phil Taylor is a talented player and he should help the Browns stop the run. But he's not an ideal 4-3 DT and other excellent selections were available here if they wanted to trade up. To call this move "puzzling" is to say Amy Winehouse had a rough morning. (Waaaaaaaaay too soon? Probably way too soon.) The Brownies made up for this slightly by picking talented but enigmatic DE Jabaal Sheard and WR Greg Little. Both those players are risky picks though, and Phil Taylor doesn't fit the scheme. Overall, picking up the Falcon's first rounder next year saves this draft. No real news on how Phil Taylor has looked yet, but as a 2 down run stuffer, his impact will be limited no matter what. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: I think nose tackle is not the position Mike Holmgren thinks it is.
- Indianapolis Colts: Last year Colts' GM Bill Polian admitted he made a huge mistake by passing on LT Rodger Saffold in favor non-existent DE Jerry Hughes. Hughes went on to such impressive exploits as riding the bench, handing Dwight Freeney a cup of gatorade, and even tackling six (6!!) people! Wow! Good for you Jerry, we're putting that one up on the office fridge. It's alright though, all Saffold did was protect Sam Bradford's blindside as the Rams went from laughingstock to respectability. Polian learned from his mistake though and was determined to help Payton Manning and the Colts running game, which was apparently stolen by the grinch in 2008. The selections of LT Anthony Castonzo and RT Benjamin Ijalana should provide two instant upgrades along a Colts' O-Line that was too busy choking on throbbing cock last year to do much of anything else. Third round selection of DT Drake Nevis was also a solid pick. Preseason update: with no Peyton Manning, it doesn't matter how good Castonzo and Ijalana are, the Colts will be terrible. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: They got what they needed and got the hell out.
- Philadelphia Eagles: Andy Reid loves him some interior linemen, but must have accidentally eaten the Eagles draft board before making his pick, because the selection of Danny Watkins was a substantial overdraft at #23. Forget the "Danny Watkins is old" shit, too. He's only 27, he could still play 6 or 7 productive NFL seasons which is perfectly fine even for a late first round pick. The issue is that he is a GUARD. The Eagles have needs at CB, DT, and right tackle, so taking Watkins was like buying a new radio for a car with no wheels. Still, Vick was sacked quite a bit last year and an upgrade along the O-line isn't the worst thing in the world for the Iggles. They followed that up with two need-filling DBs, safety Jaiquawn Jarrett and CB Curtis Marsh. The Jarrett pick was very good, but you still have to believe the Eagles would have been better off going with Jimmy Smith in round 1 and an o-lineman in round 2. Preseason update: too little time has passed to even preliminarily evaluate Watkins play along the o-line. Let's see if the Iggles run game improves once the season begins. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: ANDY REID HUNGRY FOR MORE LINEMAN OM NOM NOM.
- New Orleans Saints: The Saints get two grades, though the second will wait for their next pick at #28 overall. The Saints did exactly what smart teams do here- they waited for a talented player at a position of need to fall to them. Cameron Jordan could have easily gone 10-15 spots higher, but fell because of odd picks like Christian Ponder, Danny Watkins and Phil Taylor. Admittedly, there were pre-draft rumors that many teams weren't as high on Jordan as some draft prognosticators were, but this pick still represents excellent value for the Saints. DT was the one position this team needed to upgrade, and they got arguably a top 15 talent at #24 overall. More to come on the rest of their draft at #28 overall, but this was an excellent pick. Preseason update: Cameron Jordan has been coming along slowly, picking up just one tackle in his first preseason game. The Saints have enough talent on the D-line to let him develop slowly, though. PICK GRADE: A; PICTURE GRADE: Well this pick went better than expected.
- Seattle Seahawks: Ah, Lunatics, we have finally arrived. The Seattle Seahawks win the not-at-all coveted "Worst Fucking Draft of 2011" award. As noted in the Football Ranter Mock Drafts, the Seahawks roster is flaming dogshit sitting in a pile of elephant shit with a Monkey pissing all over it. I would list all the positions the Seachickens need help at, but I don't have time to write a document longer than the old testament. Making matters worse, they compounded draft error upon draft error in a comical litany of stupidity. The Football Ranter was actually able to capture this footage from the Seachickens draft room. It all starts at the top of the draft where Pete Carroll, despite needing a Franchise QB and help at literally every position on defense, chose guard James Carpenter at #25 overall. Carpenter was rated as a late second-early third round pick. I won't even go into how stupid drafting a guard is in the first round, you know how I feel about that. But when a team has this many holes, picking a guard is like jamming a cucumber directly into your asshole- it doesn't sound like a good idea, and it almost certainly isn't one. That by itself would get a D-, but what did Pete Carroll do next? DRAFT ANOTHER FUCKING GUARD. Is this real life? Am I hallucinating? I must be. "No defensive ends, no defensive tackles, no cornerbacks, no wide receivers, no QB. Let's take back to back guards." What the FUCK. This is beyond reasoning, it's beyond comprehension, it's beyond stupidity. Oh, and to make it worse, the second guard they took was actually a third round pick. Why? Because a year earlier Pete Carroll traded the Seachicken's 2nd rounder for CHARLIE FUCKING WHITEHURST. The Football Ranter has nothing to say to this, except we'll see you at #1 overall next year, Pete! NFC WEST BABY- WOOOOO! Preseason update: Surprise surprise, James Carpenter has looked "hide the women and children" bad so far. He's single-handedly getting Tarvaris Jackson killed, which actually may not be a bad thing for the Seachickens. OVERALL GRADE: WORST FUCKING DRAFT OF 2011 (F-); Picture Grade: This draft is "down syndrome monkey trying to peel a banana with its dick, then getting fed up and eating its own dick instead, stupid."
- Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs had an interesting draft. Unfortunately, GM Scott Pioli's draft history in his first two years with KC is pretty sketchy. While it's too early to really evaluate Pioli's 2010 draft, KC has gotten jack shit out of their 2009 draft. Just three players from that class remain on the roster and only one of them is an effective starter (nope, it's not #3 overall pick/bustacular bust Tyson Jackson, it's 7th round placekicker Ryan Succop). While KC did win the AFC west last year in a stunning improvement, it's mostly former GM Carl Peterson's picks that got them there. Top players Tamba Hali, Glenn Dorsey, Branden Albert, Brandon Flowers, Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe were all Peterson picks. Pioli's track record looks like it may have struck again here, unfortunately. First rounder Jonathan Baldwin has immense upside, but never reached that potential in college, had character concerns, showed up to training camp and promptly got into a fight with Thomas Jones in which he injured his wrist. Needless to say, that one's not looking so hot at the moment. After that though, the Chiefs made some good value selections. Most notable among them third rounder Justin Houston, who forgot they test for weed at the combine (DOO DOO BOOP: Marijuana Affects the Memory) and lost his first round status because of it. Second round guard Rodney Hudson was also a solid selection as the Chiefs needed help along the O-line. This would be a B+ draft if not for Jonathan Baldwin dragging the grade down. Preseason update: See above for Jonathan "Gladiator" Baldwin's update. OVERALL GRADE: C; PICTURE: Wasn't hard to see what might go wrong with the Baldwin pick.
- Baltimore Ravens: Draft prognosticators the world over are jerking off Ozzie Newsome and the Ravens for landing Jimmy Smith at #27 overall. The Football Ranter says, "put your dick away Ozzie, you've got a long way to go." Smith is talented, no doubt about it, but his rap sheet is in the "Ewing's Dick" length-range. Generally handing someone like that a shit ton of money doesn't help them stay out of trouble, it exacerbates the issue (::cough:: DEZ BRYANT). Wait and see if he can stay on the field and out of trouble consistently before letting Ozzie drop a moneyshot all over your faces, Mel Kiper and Todd McShay. (PS- these are the same douchebags that will later say, "yea that was a tough pick because you knew that was an issue, I wasn't a huge fan of that pick" if anything should go wrong. Sheep fuckers.) Regardless, the Smith pick gets a solid grade because it fills a need with a very talented player- if there wasn't any risk involved he wouldn't have fell to #27 overall. The Ravens went with another Smith in the second round, Torrey from from Maryland. Torrey Smith projects as a quality #2 WR at the next level and should be a good compliment to Anquan Boldin. He was a very good value in the late second round as many believed he might be the Ravens first round selection. Trading up to take Jah Reid in the third round was a bit of a head scratcher, though reportedly some teams thought highly of him and the Ravens need o-line help. Finally, fourth round WR Tandon Doss is a project but has #1 WR potential. Given the lack of success the Ravens have had with the position, drafting multiple wideouts wasn't a terrible idea at all. Preseason update: Jimmy Smith has looked good so far, but his on-field performance has never been the issue here. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: The Ravens took a calculated risk here, but it seems legit.
- New Orleans Saints: Ah, the second half of the Saints first round. Taking a running back that begins his career with knee problems is unlikely to end well. Spending two first rounders and a second round pick to move up and get that same RB is, well, bound to end with a big black dildo to the face. However, in defense of the Saints, the Football Ranter understands this move. Their window to win is closing. Drew Brees is on the wrong side of 30, Marques Colston's knee issues are worsening, and as Brees declines so will the Saints chances of winning the Lombardi trophy again. In essence, the Saints are going for it now while they still have a good shot. If they can get a year or two out of Ingram's knees, that might be enough to get a ring. Regardless, for their long term outlook this move looks bad. Third round MLB Martez Wilson was a solid selection, but he's really better suited to a 3-4 defense. Nevertheless, the Saints needed to get younger on D and Wilson may help them do that. Preseason update: Ingram has looked inconsistent so far, but the fact that he's remained healthy is a positive. OVERALL DRAFT GRADE (Including pick grade for Cameron Jordan Above): B; PICTURE GRADE: The Saints are going for it all, no matter the cost.
- Chicago Bears: Kim Kardashian's vagina took less of a pounding than Jay Cutler did last year. After being sacked an NFL high 60 times, Da Bears needed to do something to help keep him alive. Drafting OT Gabe Carimi was a step in the right direction. Carimi should be able to step in at right tackle and help protect Cutler, though the short offseason will make that more difficult. Second round DT Stephen Paea was another solid selection at a position of need, as was safety Chris Conte- particularly in light of Da Bears losing starting safety Danieal Manning to the Texans. Not a flashy draft, but Chicago got what they needed. Preseason update: too soon to evaluate Carimi. Let's see how Da Bears sack numbers look this season before passing any kind of judgment. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: This draft was solid as a rock.
- New York Jets: The Jets had one of the most difficult drafts to grade. On the one hand, Wilkerson and Kenrick Ellis were great value picks that filled needs along the defensive line. On the other hand, the Jets still failed to address their number one need: an edge rusher. The Jets also ignored needs along the O-line in favor of two WR's, a RB and a backup QB, which is going to hurt if Mark "Dirty" Sanchez gets gang raped by defenders as Matt Slaussen and Vladimir Ducasse try to dislodge their thumbs from their assholes. You can't help but wonder if they would have been better off taking Brooks Reed at #30 overall, but picking the best player available is usually a recipe for sustained success, so you can't penalize the Jets too much here. Sexy Rexy will just have to hope the upgraded defensive line can apply more pressure on the QB and open up rush lanes for Calvin Pace and Bryan Thomas. Factor in the second round pick they gave up to get Antonio Cromartie and this was a very good draft. Preseason update: Wilkerson has looked fine so far. Nothing special to report here. OVERALL GRADE: A-; PICTURE GRADE: A pass rusher: The Jets could sure use one right now.
- Pittsburgh Steelers: Behind the strength of Ben Roethlisberger's right arm, the Steelers raped their way to the Superbowl last year. (Eh? See what I did there? It's funny because Roethlisberger raped someone. I look forward to sorting through thousands of death threats from angry Steelers fans, as well as one cease and desist order from Rapelisberger's lawyers.) Regardless, the Steelers are usually savvy drafters, so it was interesting to see them take risks on some inconsistent but talented players. First rounder Cameron Heyward dominated at times, but often disappeared as well. If the Steelers can motivate him, they got a steal at the end of round one. Second round OT Marcus Gilbert was another upside pick that helps along the O-line, where the Steelers need all the help they can get. The 6'6 330lber has the size to be a top flight tackle in the NFL, but hasn't lived up to his potential at Florida. Third rounder Curtis Brown helps out in the secondary, where the now injured 31 year old Ike Taylor returns as the top CB. It's unlikely any of these prospects help the Steelers this year, and all qualify as "boom or bust" prospects to an extent. But with a great team on the field already, the Steelers can afford to take risks and let them develop over time into productive starters. Decent draft for the Steel City. Preseason update: OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Risky business for the steel city- better hope this one turns out better than Tom Cruise did.
- Green Bay Packers: We finally arrive at the superbowl champs. With a roster built to dominate now, Green Bay made some luxury picks that they can afford. First round OT Derek Sherrod has the size and length to be elite (That's what she said!) but will play inside at guard for this season. Second round pick Randall Cobb also fits their offense well and could do serious damage with the Football Ranter Man-Boner-Inducing Aaron Rodgers at the helm. They also addressed their RB issue with Alex Green in the third round, though the Football Ranter isn't in love with that pick. Either way, it's tough to hit a home run when constantly picking at the end of the round, so the Pack did well considering. Preseason update: Sherrod's been having a rough go, resulting in Rodgers getting rocked a couple of times. Interesting that the Pack moved him inside to guard, as his quickness not his strength was his best attribute. He may actually have an easier time outside at tackle. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: Doesn't matter who they pick as long as this man stays healthy.
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