Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Today we have the post-week 2 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): You know the rule- they're still undefeated, they stay #1. Admittedly, their defense has looked shaky so far. They better pull it together if they want to keep the top spot much longer, because they won't score on Da Bears this week the way they did on the Saints and Panthers.
2. New England Patriots (Last week: #4): Big win over the Norv Turners gets them the #2 spot. Can anyone stop Tom Brady from doing anything right now? This man could rob a police station and not be stopped right now.
3. New York Jets (Last week: #5): Yuck. This is too high for the Jets, they aren't this good. But 2-0 with a skull-fucking of the Jags in there puts them ahead of everyone else. Too many better teams are 1-1 due to the schedule.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #3): They lost their starting QB mid-game, turned the ball over 3 times, and were still a Jeremy Maclin dropped pass away from coming back on the Falcons in the Georgia Dome. That drops them 1 spot, no more.
5. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #6): Nice win over Da Bears to jump up a spot. This offense is batshit loco and D looks like it's improving.
6. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #2): Way to justify me going out on a limb and putting you at #2 douchebags. Still, not going to penalize them too heavily for a road loss to a pumped up division rival.
7. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #10): Matty Ice sort of got his shit together in a huge win over the Eagles. How can I still have the Eagles ahead of the Falcons? The win was at home, against a half-game of Vick. Atlanta is good, but let's see them win where they have to play Vick all game.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #8): Bludgeoned the Seachickens at home, as expected. No, you do not advance in the power rankings for bludgeoning the Seachickens at home.
9. Chicago Bears (Last week: #7): There's that expected drop I mentioned last week, as well as the bad offense. Still a pretty good team, no shame in losing to the Saints in the Superdome.
10. Detroit Lions (Last week: #12): Lions...at...#10...hurts...my...head....AGHHHHHHHH. Did someone out there divide by zero? Please, please lose to the Bucs this week and restore balance to the universe.
11. Houston Texans (Last week: #11): Why don't they move up after a nice win over the 'Fins? Let's see them beat a good team on the road before we start sucking their dicks saying they're a different team. Big game this week at NOLA.
12. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #13): Big divisional matchup this week against the Skins will settle a lot of uncertainty in the middle of the rankings. Unless Tony Romo doesn't play. Then we just have more uncertainty. Fuck my life.
13. Washington Redskins (Last week: #15): Wins over the G-Men and Cards are nothing to sneeze at. See Cowboys comment above.
14. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #9): They lost to the Pats blah blah beat themselves blah blah Norv Turner sucks.
15. New York Giants (Last week: #17): They still look shitty, but at least they won. A two spot move for beating the Rams feels about right.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #14): Looked ugly again but found a way to come back against the hapless Vikes. They're a very similar team to the Giants right now: not good enough to beat anyone good. That's why they drop even after a win.
17. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #20): A major comeback win over the Raiders- are the Bills legit now? Nope. Still the Bills, just wait for the embarrassment from Tom Brady this weekend.
18. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #25): Continuing the "who divided by zero?" week- the Titans beat the #2 ranked Ravens at home. Matty Nice turned back the clock and had himself a game, but this team won't keep winning with a mediocre CJ2K.
19. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #16): Run DMC did keep them in the game, as did Jason Campbell (somehow). Too bad the defense took them right out of it.
20. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #19): Good news- Sam Bradford is going to be good for a very long time. Bad news- the rest of this team is bad. Not dropping them too much for a bad loss to a pretty desperate Giants team. The Rams can go 7-9 and still make the playoffs in this division.
21. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #18): Tough loss to the 'Skins who are surprisingly good. Or are the Cards just worse than we thought? Whatever, I still think they theoretically lose to the Rams on a neutral field, but beat the Broncos. #21 it is.
22. Denver Broncos (Last week: #22): Well...a win is a win? I won't drop them for winning a game in which Tim Tebow appeared at WR. Plus, they beat the Bengals, so it feels wrong to slot the Broncos behind them.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #27): Andy Dalton has proved in just two games that you don't need to have a soul to win a football game. As if Brett Favre hadn't already validated that theory conclusively. Tough loss to the Broncos, but this team still isn't quite as bad as I thought.
24. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #24): A win over the Seachickens and an OT loss to the Cowboys at home. I won't drop them for those, but they're not moving up either.
25. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #21): This team admitted that even in practice, they suck. Enough said.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #23): They looked worse than bad against the Jets. They were Charles Barkley turrible. I can't say with confidence that this team is better than any of the ones below it, but that win over the Titans still happened...and then the Titans beat the Ravens...in reality...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE TEAMS.
27. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #29): Still shitty. But look at it this way Browns fans- if I told you before the season that they Brownies would be 4 spots ahead of the Colts in the power rankings, you would have came uncontrollably all over your computer screen. So uhh...the Browns are 4 spots better than the Colts!
28. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #28): I want to move this team up, because I think they would beat the Browns on a neutral field. But without a win yet, I just can't do it. Will openly admit that Cam Newton has already almost surpassed my season-long expectations for him and that this team should be ranked a little bit higher.
29. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #26): Turns out the Vikings are just shitty. Who knew Donovan McNabb could be this ba- oh...right. He played last year for Washington. So I suppose we all knew. Never mind, shut it down.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #30): This team keeps the #30 spot, but it's becoming more and more likely that they are not, in fact, better than the Colts.
31. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #31): Still turrible. Oh and now big free agent guard Robert Gallery is hurt. Yawn.
32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): They couldn't beat the Browns and they get the Steelers this week. Is there much debate that they're going to occupy this spot again next week? No? Didn't think so.
Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings. Until next time, Lunatics.
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