When reading the grades, remember the following points: First, grading a draft a month after it happens is completely arbitrary. It takes three years to effectively evaluate a draft, so these grades are pure speculation. Second, grades are weighted by round a prospect is drafted in; lower rounds picks have historically been far, far less likely to become valuable NFL starters. Many will never even make a team out of training camp. Because of that, nailing the upper-round picks is far more important for a team than getting good value in the later rounds and we won't discuss late round picks unless something really weird happened.
Check out the grades for picks 6-10 after the jump. The earlier picks have been included in the post for ease of reference.
- Carolina Panthers: Marty Hurney took the plunge and made The Entertainer the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL draft, confirming that the Panthers know what the rest of the league figured out long ago: that Jimmy Claussen is "please stop raping my eyes" bad at QB. Newton is the ultimate high-risk/high-reward selection. This draft pick will either haunt Carolina for years or have them back in the playoffs within a few seasons. Which will it be? Well, Cam Newton ran the simplest NCAA offense since the Single Wing. He threw a total of 282 passes during his entire one (1!!) year of starting NCAA division one experience and he has major character questions after getting into trouble at both Florida and Auburn for stealing a laptop and then for his father trying to get him $180,000 to play college football. So to put it lightly, that's the bad news. The good news is that Cam Newton kept on winning while doing all of the above. He won two national titles, the first at Junior College before he arrived at Auburn and the second this past year. The value of coming from a winning environment when helping to turn a miserable team around is an important trait for a leader to have, so it's a good thing Newton has it. With no second round pick, Newton more or less is the Panther's draft, though they picked up a couple solid if unspectacular DTs in round three that could start for them this year. OVERALL GRADE: C+; PICTURE GRADE: You may not like him, but here's what he is to Panthers fans.
- Denver Broncos: Draft a great pass rusher #2 overall then stick him at 4-3 OLB where he'll almost never get to rush the passer? Sure, why the hell not? We're the fuckin' Denver Broncos, that's how we roll. Look, this is not a judgment against Von Miller. He could end up being a great player, or he could end up never reaching his potential. Bottom line is, there's enough risk with rookies as it is. Why not put them in the best position to succeed? While the Von Miller pick alone would be a solid B, since Miller has tremendous upside but doesn't fit the system very well, safety Rahim Moore in the second round was an excellent pick- the Broncos needed help desperately at free safety. However, the Broncos have No One and his wife, Susan Walters-No One at DT and needed to draft someone to help out at that position. Well that mission was an utter fucking failure as the Broncos didn't draft even a single DT. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Sorry Broncos fans, Josh McDaniels did what he wanted and apparently John Fox does too.
- Buffalo Bills: It all started out so well for the Bills. They can't stop the run, they need help on the D-Line, BOOM! Marcell Dareus in your grill piece. Eat shit rest of the country, the Bills are BACK. They are fucking back! I can't wait to see who they pick ne- OH GOD NO. WHY! But it had so much promise! Nope, Chan Gailey came to his senses just in time to shove his cock and both balls deep into the assholes of Bills fans everywhere. Three defensive backs? Another running back? Do the Bills get some sort of prize (the prize is a banana) if they draft a RB every year? Oh, and just in case you want to argue this was a good draft, the Bills fired their head scout just days after the draft. If that's not a ringing endorsement of all the players he just took, I don't know what is. I look forward to writing about Chan Gailey's next "holy fucking god, why??" draft next year! OVERALL GRADE: D+; PICTURE GRADE: On the bright side, at least it's only a single facepalm this year.
- Cincinnati Bengals: According to many pundits, the Bungles had a pretty good draft. They needed a WR, they got A.J. Green. They needed a QB in case Carson Palmer really is done throwing pick sixes and they got Andy Dalton (this man has no soul). They needed help at guard and they got Clint Boling. So where's the problem? The problem is that teams who draft wideouts this high usually end up regretting it. Wide Receivers touch the ball 10 plays per game on a good day, most teams run 50 offensive plays per game. Not the ratio you look for in a #4 overall pick. As for Dalton, is he better than Carson Palmer? Doubtful. Why is he being anointed the franchise savior before he ever takes a snap? This is someone the Vikings and Titans, two teams in desperate need of a starting QB, passed on. Maybe Dalton can be a quality QB, but clearly a number of teams preferred other quarterbacks in a notably weak QB class. So did the Bengals fill needs? Yes, they did. Did they get talented players? On paper, yes. If you're a Bungles fan, you'll take that considering your team's history- but buyer beware on this draft class. OVERALL GRADE: B; PICTURE GRADE: Everyone else seems to love it, but the Football Ranter remains unimpressed.
- Arizona Cardinals: Well Lunatics, there's no hiding it. The Football Ranter has a raging football hard-on for Patrick Peterson. Taking the next Champ Bailey or Charles Woodson gets an A, even though corner wasn't a huge need for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, the Cards followed that up with RB Ryan Williams in the second round, which is like following a delicious 16oz steak with a tall glass of asparagus-laden piss. The Cardinals already have former 1st rounder Beanie Wells at RB and Ryan Williams is coming off a down year in his college career. Not to mention they have an offensive line who couldn't block a statue, quarterbacks that no one cares to block for anyway because they blow goats and they have no one to rush the opposing passer except 4th round pick Sam Acho. So let me explain; no, there is too much. Let me sum up. The Cardinals have no quarterback, no offensive line and no pass rush. They had every opportunity to acquire hope at those positions in this draft and utterly failed to do so until the 4th round. If this was a rebuilding project, I would have no objection. But with Ken Wisenhunt on the hot seat, this draft strategy makes as much sense as asking Captain Hook for a hand job. The only explanation is that they intend to trade for Kevin Kolb, which is all good and well, except that behind this line he'll be spending most of his time like this. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: Can't tell if very smart or very stupid.
- Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons really went all-in on this one, betting the farm on WR Julio Jones. Mark these words: the Dirty Birds are going to regret this trade for years to come. They broke two major rules of drafting that smart teams do not break. First, as the Football Ranter said above, teams usually regret spending a top ten draft pick on a wideout (see Lions, Detroit 2001-2007). Second, teams almost always regret dealing multiple high picks for one non-quarterback player (see Chargers, San Diego 2010). Atlanta went ahead and did both of those things, practically begging the gods to shove a lightning bolt up Julio Jones' ass. Now this is not to say that Julio Jones won't be a good player. Quite the opposite, he has the talent to be a true #1 WR in the NFL. The problem is that almost no player on earth, short of a franchise QB, is worth multiple first round picks. The risk of injury or bust is too high for anyone, much less a player that is only going to impact 20% of the offensive snaps. Oh, and don't give the Football Ranter this "but he's a great run blocker too!" bullshit. Cause yea, that's why teams draft wide receivers, to block. The bottom line is, the Birds needed help at WR, DE, CB, TE and Safety. Instead they traded away half their draft and half of next year's draft for a wideout who has trouble catching the football. Overall Grade: D; PICTURE GRADE: So stupid that you can't help but wonder how this was even possible.
- San Francisco 49ers: Before the draft, the Football Ranter believed this was one of the toughest picks to get right. Sure enough, the 49ers surprised everyone and took Aldon Smith 7th overall. Believe it or not though, the Football Ranter is a big fan of this pick. The Niners need a legit pass-rusher like Batman needs his parents back and Aldon Smith has the potential to . Was #7 overall too high for Smith? Probably. He's a developmental project that probably won't have the immediate impact you expect from a top 10 pick. That being said, the 49ers didn't panic and reach for a mediocre quarterback, they waited until round 2 and took Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick is also a bit of a project who will take a couple years to develop, but the 49ers are rebuilding. They have a couple of years to let a franchise QB and a premier pass rusher develop. On top of picking a couple high upside players, the Niners did a great job of addressing their top 3 needs: QB, ROLB and CB. The only issue the Football Ranter has is with 3rd round pick Chris Culliver. It was a reach for a guy with an injury history longer than Patrick Ewing's dong. OVERALL GRADE: A-; PICTURE GRADE: Unexpected, but actually pretty awesome.
- Tennessee Titans: Rumors began circulating about a week before the draft that the Titans loved
the cockJake Locker. In several iterations of the Football Ranter Mock Draft, the Football Ranter hoped that Bud Adams would fight his nature and not reach for a QB. Unfortunately no, the Titans decided to put their franchise in the hands of a quarterback who couldn't win in college and whose completion percentage is lower thanMagic Johnson's white blood cell countSnooki's IQ. To be fair, Locker isn't all downside; just mostly downside. Bud Adams has now reached twice for mobile quarterbacks with terrible accuracy and there isn't a ton of hope this pick turns out better than the last one. The saving grace of this draft is that the Titan's had very solid 2nd and 3rd round picks, filling needs at LB and DT with Akeem Ayers and Jurrell Casey. Ayers projects as quality 4-3 OLB and Casey is a good penetrating 4-3 DT, though the Titans really could have used a bigger DT to rotate with the undersized Jason Jones. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: No matter how many times Bud Adams screws up, he just keeps coming back for more. - Dallas Cowboys: In over twenty years of running the Dallas Cowboys draft room, Jerry Jones had never taken an offensive lineman in the first round. Well fuck you too, Jerry. This was a huge miss in the Football Ranter mock draft and it's possible we're a little bitter about it. In any case, back to
Sir Fagalot'sJerry Jones' draft. Dallas watched as their franchise QB was violated repeatedly while the aging Dallas O-line stood by powerless to help. It's questionable as to whether Tyron Smith projects as a left tackle long-term, but regardless of where he plays he's a big upgrade for the Cowboys. #9 seems a touch high for Smith, but he's got good upside and fills a huge need. Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, Jerry fell off the wagon again with their second and third round picks. OLB Bruce Carter has tremendous athleticism, but has never played to his potential in his career. It's a huge risk/reward pick and the Cowboys don't have a huge need at OLB. Demarco Murray in the third round is an even bigger head scratcher, as he's viewed by many as a poor man's Felix Jones. Considering Felix Jones is already a poor man's Darren McFadden and that, you know, the Cowboys already have Felix Jones on the roster, this pick made less sense than Sheriff Raptor Jesus defending the wild west. OVERALL GRADE: B-; PICTURE GRADE: It had it's moments (Kate Winslet full frontal), but you know it's bound to end tragically. - Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars gave up multiple high picks for the only position that it's acceptable to do so: a potential franchise QB. The Jaguars clearly believe David Garrard blows dolphin cock and can't lead them on a deep playoff run. When Gabbert fell to #10, the Jags were on it like Charlie Sheen on an eight ball of coke and dealt their 2nd rounder to the Redskins to move up and grab him. The Football Ranter is skeptical of Gabbert's late rise to prominence and lack of experience in a pro-style offense, but he fell into a good situation with Jacksonville: a run-heavy team with an established QB he can sit behind for a year or two while he develops. The problem with this pick is that the Jaguars are using a cardboard cutout of Aaron Kampman at DE and can't get to Peyton Manning or Matt Schaub to save their lives. The pick of guard Will Rackley was solid and should help Gabbert in the long run, but this move reeks of "rebuilding" with some high picks spent on DE next year. OVERALL GRADE: B+; PICTURE GRADE: Jacksonville collaborated with the French government on this draft.
Check back later this week for the next five teams. Until next time, Lunatics.
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