Thursday, November 3, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 8

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 8 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): So good, they even beat their bye week.  Just kidding.  But seriously, they won 48-0. 

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #6): Ugh...this team is too flawed to be the second best team in the NFL.  Regardless, the Steelers don't get a break after a big home win over the Dark Lord -- they'll have to take on Terrell Suggs' hot piss at Heinz field.  Word is the Steelers are trying to sign Bear Grylls to counter Suggs for this game.    

3. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #4): One more spot before I kill myself!  Somewhere right now, the Danchise is nodding grimly and preparing my eulogy.  

4. New England Patriots (Last week: #2): Well there you have it, the Pats didn't deserve to hold on the #2 spot because they let Pittsburgh take a #2 all over their chest.  (See what I did there?  Yea I know, I have problems.)    

5. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #5): Nope, not moving them an iota for barely eeking out a win at home over the shitty Cardinals.  The big test comes this week in Pittsburgh against the revamped Steelers.  Let's see if Joe Flacco can avoid dropping dead against the NFL's #1 pass defense.  

6. Detroit Lions (Last week: #8): Stephen Tulloch: you are my hero.  The only way it could have been better is if he actually bludgeoned Tebow to death with a crucifix.  The irony was almost too much to handle as it is, that might actually have made my head explode.       

7. New York Jets (Last week: #7): Make no mistake: the game at Buffalo this weekend is a playoff game for the J-E-T-S.  They're going to need that head to head tie breaker against the Bills by the end of the year.   

8. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #3): They move back up to the #2 spot after debacling the hapless Rams in the face down 5 spots after shitting all over themselves uncontrollably and then letting the Rams Cleveland Steamer them.  (If you're squeamish or at work, do NOT click that link.)  Revenge game against the Bucs may decide the NFC South this weekend.       
9. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #9): Bills fans have a legit gripe here: are the Saints really better than this team?  In truth, I just don't know.  Buffalo almost certainly deserves to move up after buttfucking the Redskins in Toronto, but I think the Jets are the better team despite their record.  Good news is, the Bills have a shot to shove that statement directly into my asshole this weekend.         

10. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #10): They better not go into Indy and give the Colts their first win.  I swear to all that is holy they better beat the fucking Colts.  I will light my hand on fire and then shove it directly into Matt Ryan's asshole if he doesn't find a way to beat the Colts this weekend.  This is not a drill people, I am so fucking serious that it's terrifying.        

11. Houston Texans (Last week: #14): They beat the Jaguars at home.  I'm not terribly impressed, nor am I sure they beat the Giants or Bears on a neutral field.  Nonetheless, they've  more or less got this division wrapped up after week 8.  So they've got that going for them, which is nice.     

12. New York Giants (Last week: #12): Like the Ravens, the G-Men get zero credit for barely beating the slampiece Dolphins at home.  Big test going up to Foxboro against the Pats, who are coming off a loss in Pittsburgh.   

13. Chicago Bears (Last week: #13): I try not to move teams on their bye week, which is why so many teams are staying put this week.  If they can knock off the Eagles, they'll more than justify their spot ahead of the Birds in the rankings.   

14. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #17): Well now we know what it looks like when Andy Reid rips off Rob Ryan's head and shits down his neck...which was fun.  They need to keep the good times rolling by crushing Da Bears at home this weekend to continue their ascent up the rankings.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #15): They're gonna need to pound the rock to beat the Saints this weekend, so getting Legarrette Blount back is huge.  Still, a tall order to go into the Superdome and win a huge division game.           

16. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #18):  I know Bengals fans are probably shitting bricks about me not having this team higher.  But their wins are against the Browns, Colts, Jaguars, Seachickens and Bills.  Only one of those teams is anything but terrible.  Oh yea, they also lost to the Broncos.  The Red Rifle and AJ Green will have to do better than that to impress me.  I view this team as the 2010 Chiefs...without The Problem. 
17. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #11): "BAHAHA!  Classic Norv and the Chargers.  They could make a sitcom about how comically inept this team is in crunch time.  I've seen oil fires less chaotic than the Chargers two minute drill."  Yea, that was LAST week's post for this team.  Uhh...couldn't have put it better myself? 

18. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #19): They win again because Phil Rivers Chargers'd himself.  Last week Kyle Boller became a verb, and somehow Rivers has entered that rarefied air too.  Seriously, does Todd Haley have pictures of these guys wives or something??  Why do these teams keep handing the fucking Chiefs games?  What the fuck is wrong with these people!!??       

19. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #16): Are the Eagles that good, or do the Cowboys just suck pig dick?  I guess we'll find out if they can't manage a victory over the Seachickens at home this weekend.

20. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #23): They beat the Colts at home....yay?  This team still isn't making the playoffs.   

21. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #20): Carson Palmer gets the whole bye week to learn this offense and then have even less of an excuse for looking like a cumstain out there on the field this week against the Broncos.  So uhh...look forward to that Raiders fans?  

22. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #27): It's only been two games, which is way too early to make any real judgments, but someone who shall remain nameless (ME!! IT WAS ME!!!!  FUCK YOURSELVES!!!  I SAID IT!) said that C-Pond would energize this team.  So far, so good on that front.     

23. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #21): Everytime I watch this team play and Cam Newton doesn't have the football in his hands, I smell shit.  Losing to the Vikings at home?  Seriously?  Gross.  PS- Olindo Mare runs a 50/50 shot of being shanked buying groceries in Charlotte this week.     

24. Washington Redskins (Last week: #22): Anyone shocked the Bills debacled the 'Skins in Toronto?  No?  Neeeeeeeeeext.       

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #24): Clearly their win over the Ravens was an aberration.  This team is grundle-sweat.  

26. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #26): They scored a whole 10 points this week!  PROGRESS!  Rejoice, Browns fan the world over.  Uh huh -- "fan" was not an accident.  Oh yea, and they're still shitty.  

27. Denver Broncos (Last week: #25): Well that pretty much marks the end of Tebowmania.  I feel like that fad lasted about ten years too long.  And yes, I'm aware it went on for literally less than a week.         

28. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #30): If you told me their first win of the season would come with AJ Feeley at the helm, I would have told you to go Feeley my balls.  Yet here we sit.  What the fuck.    

29. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #28):  So now they're not even good at home and even the Seattle press is ripping Pete Carroll for sucking.  The only things separating them from being as useless to me as the Browns are a) a win over the Giants, and b) the comedic value their ineptitude brings to the table.  You know, like when the run on 4th and 2 at the end of a half and then get no points because Pete Carroll is an asshole.  Hahaha!  See- I feel better already.    

30. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #29): They were flaming garbage last week, and now this week they've lost Kevin Kolb to turf toe.  Can they get worse?  That's a serious question.  Part of me believes losing Kolb can only have a positive impact on this team because I'm not convinced they can actually play worse than they have to this point.   

31. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #31): They gave a good effort against the G-Men, but came up tragically short.  Just like the Football Ranter during sex.  Neither of those statements make anyone laugh.  Instead all parties involved are just left disappointed and unsurprised.  Moving on!      

32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): Well it looks like they've totally quit on Caldwell.  They could legitimately go 0-16.  Good news Colts fans: I said that about the Rams and they immediately went out and spanked the Saints - so reverse Mortal Lock!  But seriously, this team is gutless.     

Check back next week for updated power rankings.  Until next time, Lunatics.

No comments:

Post a Comment