Thursday, November 10, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 9

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 9 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): It's not the first time I've said this, but there has to be concern about a defense that gave up 460 yards of offense to Phil "Down Year" Rivers.  Granted, they also had 3 picks and 14 points scored on D, so I guess you take the good with the bad.  Oh yea, and the Danchise coined a new phrase we'll be using to describe Aaron Rodgers from here on out.  He'll now forever be known on this site as Aaron "God-gers."      

2. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #5): Tremendous win in the Steel City Sunday night to give them a tiebreaker over the Steelers in the division race.  Are they really the second best team in the NFL?  Truthfully, I have no idea.  There really isn't anyone that deserves to be #2 behind the Packers; instead I should just skip from 1 to 4 and then put the Ravens there.  In other news, someone get on the phone to Cam Cameron and let him know he has Ray Rice on his team.  Rice has only had 20+ carries in 2 of 8 games this year.  The Ravens need to "feed the horse" as Terrell Suggs put it if they want to keep winning games.  (Seriously, is Suggs not an absolute quote machine???  THE MAN CANNOT BE STOPPED!)       

3. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #3): The only reason this team isn't #2 is because I said I'd kill myself if they made it that high.  Literally if I put them at #2 I have to throw myself through my window and plummet 35 stories to my death.  Fortunately, I can sort-of-kind-of-not-really-at-all justify it because San Fran only beat the shitty Redskins by 8 points.  Plus Joe Flacco is better than Alex Smith and this is a QB driven league.  And no, I don't care that Alex Smith has the lead on Flacco in completion percentage (64.1% to 54.7%), TDs (10 to 9), INTs (2 to 6), QB rating (97.3 to 76.9) and yards-per-attempt (7.1 to 6.6).  (I absolutely just torpedoed my own case.  Alex Smith is playing like an elite QB right now, far better than Flacco.  You win, Niners fans.  They're not #2 because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself like I promised I would.  I'll just go fuck myself instead.)     

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #2): I'm not going to drop this team off the face of the earth for a last second loss to a bitter division rival.  Still, the late game meltdown for the defense was disturbing, getting burned twice for game winning scores.  They were lucky that Torrey Smith dropped the first one.     

5. New York Giants (Last week: #12):  Sadly, I still don't know what to make of this team.  Are they really good, or are the Patriots just really NOT good?  It's going to be a week to week type thing with the Giants.  Don't be surprised to see the G-Men ride the power rankings roller coaster each week through their brutal schedule.
6. Detroit Lions (Last week: #6): Big divisional matchup with Da Bears at Soldier Field coming off the bye week.  Whether the Lions can go to town on a recently improved Bears o-line is going to determine the outcome of the game, and possibly a wild card spot in the NFC.       

7. New York Jets (Last week: #7): Well no denying it, that's a big win up in Buffalo.  With a little help from their New York counterparts over the weekend, the Jets are now in prime position to make a run on the AFC East, starting with this week's showdown with the arch rival Pats.  No doubt about the importance here, you know the Dark Lord will pull out all the stops to trample the Jets, and Sexy Rexy will do everything he can to foot-fuck Belichick into oblivion.  A loss here means the Jets are more or less relegated to fighting for the wild card, as they'll have lost the head to head tiebreaker with the Pats.       

8. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #8): Another team coming off a big division win with perhaps an even more important back-to-back division game this weekend.  If the Saints can knock off the Dirty Birds in the Georgia Dome, the NFC south becomes theirs to lose.  Like the Packers though, I have deep concerns about this defense -- currently 28th in the NFL.         
9. Chicago Bears (Last week: #13): This team owns Mike Vick (5-0 in their last 5 meetings) and I have no idea why.  Also, when did this offensive line go from being "holy christ, RUN AWAY!" bad to "actually, doucher, they're pretty good"?  Did I miss the memo on that one?  It just doesn't make sense.  I feel like this is a little high for Da Bears, they'll probably lose to the Lions this weekend and fall back into the 11-12 range where they belong.       

10. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #10): Crisis averted: they skull-fucked the Colts in their own house.  Whether or not they can do the same to the Saints in the Georgia Dome will say a lot about how good this team really is.          

11. Houston Texans (Last week: #11): Welp, I've been more wrong than when I said the this squad would lose to the shits Browns last week, but before now those situations always involved a paternity suit.  Matt Schaub looked like shit though (14 of 23, 119 yards 0 TDs, 1 INT, 56.2 QB rating, 5.2 YPA), and they need him to be better than that to beat non-shitheap teams.       

12. New England Patriots (Last week: #4): It's now apparent to me that I've overrated this team for some time now.  The simple fact is that a team with the worst pass defense in the NFL cannot be counted upon to win consistently -- which is what a top 5 team does.  Instead they deserve to be thrown back into the middle of the pack.  And for once, I don't particularly care if the Dark Lord finds my lack of faith disturbing.     

13. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #16):  Nothing new to report here: they can beat bad teams.  There will be much more to discuss one way or another after their showdown with the Steelers this weekend.  It feels so dirty to be a little pumped for a Red Rifle-Big Ben showdown, but rarely do we get to see two QBs without souls go head to head (Dalton is a redhead and Rapelisberger got head in a bathroom).      

14. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #9): Aaaaaaaaand cue the Bills falling all the way back to earth.  A terrible home loss to the J-E-T-S puts them on the outside looking in for a playoff spot in the AFC.  The defense is awful, they just placed arguably their best defensive player (NT Kyle Williams) on IR for the year, Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like he's turning back into a pumpkin, getting cored, filled with dogshit, lit on fire, and then launched at a bus full of school children.  In other words, it's just another year in Buffalo.

15. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #14): Why does this team only drop 1 spot after blowing a nationally televised home game that Da Bears were desperately trying to hand them all night?  Because 15 is precisely where this team belongs.  They are the quintessential 15th best team in the league.  You could see them beating every single team below them, and losing to every single team above them.  They go from looking like dogshit to unstoppable back to dogshit in the blink of an eye.  No team has ever been more deserving of the 15th spot in Football Ranters' Power Rankings history.  The question is, can they rip off the 8 straight wins it's going to take to win this division?  Who the fuck knows.             

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #15): Lots of people lose to the Saints in the Superdome (though Katrina is notably 1-0 in NOLA) (WAAAAAY too soon?  Probably WAAAAAY too soon.).  I'm not killing them for that, although unfortunately they may have killed their own shot at the division with New Orleans and Atlanta on the rise.       
17. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #19): They beat the Seachickens at home!! Oh happy day!  They still only won by 10 though, so yea.  This team is more or less the very definition of mediocre.    

18. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #17): Why don't they drop more for a home loss?  Because they're just not worse than any of these teams below them.  Yes, I know they lost to KC just two weeks ago.  But they beat KC at home prior to that and that win didn't require the Problem fumbling the game away after it was as good as won.  Plus, it's general policy not to fire teams down the rankings for losing to God-gers and the Pack.       

19. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #18): Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.  That was me breathing a tremendous sigh of relief.  Watching the Chiefs implode against the 'Fins really felt like I was letting out a fire-hose type piss just as my beach-ball sized bladder was about to explode.  Just when I started to worry that the Problem wasn't quite as bad as I thought and that this team wasn't as miserable as I claimed, they ate their own dicks against the Dolphins at home.  Somehow this weekend's game against the Tebows has huge divisional implications.  Blegh. 

20. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #20): I just have nothing else of interest left to say about this team.  I'm out of pithy remarks about how CJ2K has completely vanished and how Matt "Matty Nice" Hasselbeck hasn't been the same without his top WR.  So unlike my girlfriend, I'm not going to fake it just to make you feel better but then forget I was doing so and fall asleep halfway through anyway.

21. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #22): Sorry Vikes fans, but this game against the Pack at Lambeau probably won't go half as well as the last one.  Though that's not the worst thing in the world.  This team isn't making the playoffs anyway, so they might as well lose and secure better draft position anyway.  So they've got that going for them...which is nice.     

22. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #23): Is there a less relevant game this week than Panthers vs. Titans?  Does anyone give even a quarter of a shit who wins this?  Oh yea, I'm really stoked to watch Matty Nice try not to throw his back out torching the shitty Panthers' D, or maybe I'll be lucky enough to see someone actually tackle Cam Newton.   Can't wait!         

23. Denver Broncos (Last week: #27): Thank god some sanity has been instilled in fans and media regarding Tim Tebow.  For once people weren't shoving past each other lining up to mouth-polish Tebow's virgin dong after a win.  I was significantly less nauseous reading anything about the Broncos this week because of it.  Well done, Timmy.       

24. Washington Redskins (Last week: #24): Holy raining shitbombs batman!  This team is disgustingly terrible.  And I lied.  This is the game that's less relevant than Panthers vs. Titans.  No smart ass joke here -- I made plans for when Redskins-Dolphins is on TV.           

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #25): I'm running out of ways to say that this team is terrible and Jack Del Rio needs to be fired.  So...yea.  I guess I just said it.  Maybe it will actually happen too if they lose in Indy this week.    

26. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #21): Told you this was a bottom-feeding team with Carson "Interceptionitis" Palmer under center.  But a small consolation for Raiders fans: there's always a good chance the Chargers Norv Turner themselves.       

27. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #26): I picked the Browns to win last week.  No, I don't know why.  Clearly, I'm a fucking moron who knows nothing about football.  But there's a mistake I won't be making again.  (Just kidding, I'll pick them to win at least one more time this year only to watch them get debacled in the asshole.)  Oh, and they're still shitty.          

28. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #29):  Anyone surprised they lost in Dallas?  Anyone?  Bueller... Bueller? 

29. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #30): Patrick Peterson!  There- I said something positive about this team.  Moving on.     

30. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #28): At least their one win came against the Saints?  It could be worse, they could be the Dolphins?  Jim Caldwell could be their head statue coach?  Nope, I've really got nothing to say that will make Rams fans feel better. 

31. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #31): The hunted down an elusive win on the road against the Chiefs...but since the Chiefs suck, I really can't find a reason to move them up.  Let's see them win again before I let them leapfrog the Rams.        

32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): Good News: their game against the Falcons was tied for almost 4 minutes.  Bad news, it took this team 44 seconds to turn the ball over.  This weekend presents the Colts best chance to pick up a win -- they have the Jaguars at home.  If they can't win this game, I'll go so far as to say they're a lock to go 0-16.      

Check back next week for updated power rankings.  Until next time, Lunatics.

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