"I am innocent of those charges. I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact....I shouldn't have showered with those kids."
-Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State defensive coordinator
As you may have gleaned to this point, Lunatics, I generally couldn't care less about college football. Unless it related to the NFL draft, I just don't give a shit. But despite that, I felt compelled to rip this to shreds as the quote of the day because of the absurd, unabashed stupidity inherent in the statement.
So here goes: What? How for fucks sake can you have the following two sentences in that statement: 1) "I am innocent of those charges." 2) "I shouldn't have showered with those kids." Hey, pedodoucher, isn't showering with a kid that's NOT YOURS pedophilia in and of itself? What did you get a fucking permission slip from their parents first? Yea I'm just going to go ahead and say that's probably not what happened.
The only question left here is what kind of punishment to hand down? Obviously modern justice is totally inadequate to handle a situation like this, and I feel like just letting Sandusky get raped and killed in prison is kind of a cop-out too. I really think we need to either get creative with it or go completely old school. I would be fine with some ancient Asian torture, like putting a mouse on his stomach, an iron pot over it, and starting a fire on top of the pot so that the mouse eats its way out the other side. Or maybe what Filipino rebels did to captured US soldiers during a war most people don't even know happened- bury Sandusky up to his neck in an ant-hill and let fire ants eat his face. But those are pretty grisly and I've always believed someone deserves a shot to prove their innocence. So I think we go in another direction and just put him in situations where, if he survives, he's innocent! Just spitballing here, but maybe let's have him do the running of the bulls in Spain in a potato sack? Force him into a dick-slapping contest with Patrick Ewing? Force him to re-watch that Week 7 Browns-Seachickens matchup? What do you think, Lunatics? Come up with something fun and interesting and let's see what we can do.
Until then, I guess we'll just have to settle for "modern justice." Whatever that means.
PS- is "I shouldn't have showered with those kids" the single most egregious understatement in human history? It has to be that, "You're going to need a bigger boat," or Nixon's "I am not a crook" duking it out for the top spot. And only one of those other statements were even said by real people.