Thursday, October 6, 2011

Power Rankings: Week 4

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Today we have the post-week 4 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.

1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): Ho hum- another week, another team gets a forced colonoscopy from Aaron Rodgers.  The Broncos presented no challenge at all for the dominant champs.  

2.  New Orleans Saints (Last week: #2): The fact that the only team they've lose to is above them is what's keeping them at #2.  Until they lose again, they're almost certain to hang on to this spot. 

3.  Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #3): Big win at home over the J-E-T-S keeps them at #3.  Important question about the offense though: can this team throw the ball consistently?  Flacco was almost as terrible as Sanchez on Sunday night, but he got bailed out by his defense and took slightly better care of the football.

4. New England Patriots (Last week: #4): No movement here either.  This team has serious issues on defense and they cannot keep relying on Tom Terrific to bail them every week.  Can't put them higher than this unless they can show some semblance of skill on D.

5. Detroit Lions (Last week: #7): This team has robbed me of all emotion.  I think they literally exploded my mind.  They're 4-0 and this is very, very surprising.  The way they've won games is also very, very surprising.  I've got nothin'.  The Lions really are #5. 

6. Houston Texans (Last week: #12): There is a marked drop off between the top 5 teams and the rest.  That win over Pittsburgh was ugly, but a win is a win and Pittsburgh is still decent.  Either way, very positive showing for this defense.  Too bad they lost Andre Johnson.  No way they hold on to this ranking next week.

7. New York Giants (Last week: #13): Pretty sure Victor Cruz blew one of the officials before the game for that non-call on the fumble.  Regardless, big comeback for the G-Men on the road.  But then again, the Cardinals suck.  I still have no idea what the fuck to think of this team, but that defense isn't the same without Justin Tuck in the lineup.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #9): This team barely beat the colts at home because they constantly shot themselves in the foot.  Bumping them up a spot for beating a shitty team feels dirty, but I'm out of options. 
 
9. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #8): Road loss coming off an emotional home win against a division rival?  Not exactly surprising.  Still, this team is better than the Bengals and you don't hang on to your spot in the rankings by losing.

10. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #18): Well that's more like it!  The Titans get some power rankings lovin' for a beat down of the Browns in Cleveland.  Yes, the Browns are shitty, but blowing out anyone on the road is meritorious.     

11. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #15): Whoa- the Whale's Vaginas finally played a complete game!  Granted it was against the hapless Dolphins, but baby steps.  Enjoy it while you can, San Diegoans...San Diegoites...San Diegans?   

12. New York Jets (Last week: #6): Offensive futility?  We've seen that from the Jets before.  This is not a terrible football team.  They'll right the ship and probably make the playoffs before it's all over.  But it starts this weekend with a grudge match against the hated Patriots in Foxboro.  If the Jets can pull that one out, they'll probably be forgiven for shitting the bed for the past two weeks. 

13. Washington Redskins (Last week: #16): A seven point win over the Rams isn't terrible, but the 'Skins didn't look good.  Rex Grossman really looks as if he's coming back down to earth after a hot start.  Don't expect the 'Skins to stay at #13 next week despite having the bye week.

14.  Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #14): I almost dropped this team, but the 12th man in Seattle is legit.  Still, blowing 20 point leads to the Seachickens is not a good sign.  We'll see what happens after a huge game this weekend in the Georgia Dome.

15. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #5): Wow.  Just....wow.  What's worse?  Losing to the Niners, having it happen at home, or leading the game by 20 points before giving it all back?  It's all shitty for the Eagles right now.  Someone tell Andy Reid to regurgitate the run defense he ate -- the team needs it.

16. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #11):Someone get Tony Romo a copy of this.  The Cowboys have the talent, but until they prove they can finish, they'll be mired in mediocrity.

17. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #20): There's no denying it now, this team is the favorite to win the NFC west.  Admittedly, that's like saying

18.  Chicago Bears (Last week: #19): Congratulations, Chicago -- you needed a defensive TD and a special teams TD to beat Carolina at home.  You can move up one spot and I'll mail you a cookie.  And no, I'm not bitter that this was my upset pick of the week and these lucky fucks ruined it.     

19. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #10): This is not a good football team right now.  The offensive line is the worst in football, Big Ben is hurt, and the defense has been uncharacteristically bad.  I would be less concerned if injuries could be blamed for the issues on D, but they've been mostly healthy on that side of the ball.  It's early to start in with the "Superbowl loser curse" talk -- but we're not far from that point.       

20. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #21): Moving up after a loss?  Well, they absolutely should have beaten Da Bears.  They outgained them by 150 yards and killed themselves with foolish mistakes.  I still think this team beats the Raiders on a neutral field, so here they sit.   

21. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #17): They have their moments, but until they get a real QB and some real WRs, this team won't be anything better than decent.  And no, I don't care that Jason Campbell is playing really well so far.  Mark my words, he will disappear against good defenses. 

22. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #25):  Pretty impressive win over the Bills.  Maybe I was wrong about Andy Dalton -- he might be better this year than Carson Palmer would have been.  Bahaha!  I'm just kidding.  This team still sucks, they'll just be a little bit better than last year.     

23. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #27): It's going to be a long season for the Jacksonville Gabberts.  Still, they played the Saints about as well as anyone could have expected.   

24. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #30): They won a game against the Vikings at home...slow clap.  But seriously, they're now marginally better than we thought they were. 

25. Denver Broncos (Last week: #22): Believe it or not, this team needs to start sucking worse.  They need Luck or Matt Barkley and with a few more wins they may get neither of them. 

26. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #24): Yup, still shitty.  Turns out they can't beat good teams at home.  Who would have thought?  Oh, right -- everyone.   

27. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #26): Only dropping them one spot for losing a game everyone knew they would lose.  Reggie Bush just public said Tony Sparano is a great coach.  Has a more obvious kiss of death ever been seen in human history?  This is like Mussolini talking about how great a guy Hitler was.  Nobody wins there.  

28. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #28): I don't want to hear about the fumble, Cardinals fans.  The team still gave up two TDs to Eli Manning in less than 3 minutes, then failed on their final drive of the game with plenty of time left.  This team is bad, and bad teams find ways to lose games like that one.    

29. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #29): Almost came back against a decent Atlanta team.  But as usual, even with 12 people playing, they lost.  How are they still behind the Cardinals after beating them at home just two weeks ago?  Because I don't believe the Seahawks could beat the Cardinals anywhere else.  They lose to that team on a neutral field.  

30. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #23): This is tragic.  This was not a team supposed to be entering the suck for Luck sweepstakes...yet here they sit.  If they do get the #1 pick, at least they'll be able to get a king's ransom from the Seachickens for the top pick. 

31. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #31): I don't know who this team can beat.  Unfortunately for them, they don't get to play the Colts or the Seachickens at home.  Poor AP, having to waste a year of his prime with this steaming heap of filthy garbage.    

32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): I've come to the realization that this team is going to lose a ton of close games because they aren't as abysmal as their record says they are.  Still, this team has the potential to lose 15 games.  (Reverse mortal lock Colts fans!  LOVE IT!  After I wrote that, this team will win at least 5.  You're welcome.  Thank me later.)

Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings.  Until next time, Lunatics.

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