Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Apologies for the late post, I got stuck at work until late the last few days. We finally have the post-week 6 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): They beat the Rams by 21 and people complained about their second half performance...are you people retarded?
2. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #3): The won big at home against a depleted Houston squad, which they should have. I'm not sure they beat the Pats on a neutral field, but this defense is playing too well to bet against right now.
3. New England Patriots (Last week: #4): This defense has looked much better the last couple of weeks. The Pats and Ravens are more or less #2 and #2a in the rankings this week.
4. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #2): I said they'd hold the #2 spot until they lost, and sure enough it finally happened. Not going to penalize them too heavily for a road loss against a division opponent though. I'm sure in the offseason this week's matchup against the Colts seemed like it would be a great re-match game. Now we just get to watch Drew Brees smoke a bunch of chumps...yup -- still works for me.
5. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #8): I give up. I just flat out give up. Every time I rip this team, they jizz in my eye. Every time I have something bad to say about them, they beat someone else and make me feel like an asshole. But you know what? Most people would admit when they're wrong and change. Not me. I'm gonna continue to hate on this team until they start sucking and prove me right, or I die -- one or the other. This is me more or less declaring Football Ranter jihad against the San Francisco 49ers. It's me or them, dammit!
6. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #6): Big matchup in New York against the J-E-T-S following their bye week. It will be a big step up for this team if they can pull that one out.
7. Detroit Lions (Last week: #5): Losing at home to the Niners? Et Tu Schwartz?
8. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #7): Not going to kill this team for losing by 3 on the road to a Giants squad that was so (rightfully) disgraced after getting dicked by the Seachickens last week that I think they would have beaten anyone this week. Still, they need to get their shit together on D (#31 overall), or they'll find themselves in a free fall as the season wears on.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #9): Nope, no credit for only beating the turrible Jaguars by 4 points at home. This team should feel lucky to be where they are, I almost dropped them for that garbage performance.
10. New York Jets (Last week: #12): It feels dirty moving this team up two spots after they looked like no better than decent at home against the god-fucking-awful Dolphins. But hey, they still won big...no matter how shitty they looked.
11. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #11): I try not to move teams on their bye week. Don't think I'm not still bitter about this team blowing chunks at Pittsburgh though. I hope they suck this week so I can drop them off a cliff down the rankings next week.
12. New York Giants (Last week: #14): For once, this team did exactly what I expected: barely beat the Bills at home. Where do they go from here? No one knows. Well, actually I guess we all know since they're on the bye week. Enjoy it, Giants fans- it's the most predictable week of the year for the G-Men.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #16): This team gets teabagged by the shitty Niners on the road, then beats the Saints at home. What the fuck is wrong with this team??? Just kidding, the Niners are somehow amazing. Fuck my useless and miserable life.
14. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #17): Nothing new here: they can win at home but not on the road. Neeeeeeeeeeeext...
15. Houston Texans (Last week: #10): Hey look at that- I was finally right about something! This team does suck without Andre Johnson or Mario Williams. Actually to be more accurate, they're mediocre without them. Good news for them: mediocre will suffice in this division.
16. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #19): Is beating Rex Grossman and the 'Skins on the road an accomplishment? That's not a rhetorical question, I'm genuinely asking you because I don't know.
17. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #15): This team just cannot fucking get it straight. Run with a big lead, pass with a small one. Jason Garrett is making this far more complicated than it needs to be. Still, not going to drop them for doing something everyone seems to do: lose to the Pats in Foxboro.
18. Chicago Bears (Last week: #20): Don't care how good this offense looks, the defense is still a problem and the offensive line isn't going to play as well as they did against what was a clearly unprepared Vikings team this week. Until I see some measure of consistency, they stay in the 15-20 range. But yes, I know they beat the Falcons by a ton. I just can't reconcile the two at the moment. Consider this the first of many "Football Ranter Power Rankings Paradoxes."
19. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #18): I was set to move them up several spots, but then they traded away their entire future for a shitty 32 year old quarterback that hasn't played football in a year. Somehow Al Davis is running this team from the afterlife. I'd almost have trouble believing it if...well...I hadn't thought that was going on even before Al died.
20. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #21): They made it out of the bottom ten with a 10 point win over the worst team in the NFL. But then again, they did trade a shitty quarterback for what could be two first round picks. Celebration safety dance! (Can you tell I'm writing these at almost 2am?)
21. Washington Redskins (Last week: #13): Ahhh...Rex Grossman is officially back to being so bad that John Beck gets to start over him. I feel like everything is right in the world again and that feeling of the darkness closing in on me has subsided. But only a bit, since the fucking 49ers keep winning. And no, I know that has nothing to do with the Redskins. They're not very good. Happy now, 'Skins fans?
22. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #23): They move up during a bye week...mainly because not losing is a major accomplishment for this team. Plus I do think, as much as it pains me to admit it, that they'd beat the Panthers on a neutral field.
23. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #22): This defense is killing them. Plus Cam Newton is coming down to earth a bit, so this all spells bad news for the Cats.
24. Denver Broncos (Last week: #24): They were on the bye week. I look forward to Tebowmania upon their return to action next week.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #25): They held their own against a Steelers team that was sleepwalking through the game. They stay put mainly because all the teams below them are unbearable to watch.
26. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #26): I CALLED THAT SHIT! Everything except the S-Jank 60 yard field goal was dead on for how this team would fuck me out of money. Seriously, go back and read my week 6 game picks. It's uncanny how I called this team pounding me in the asshole and failing to cover. Oh yea, and they're still shitty.
27. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #27): The good news is, we get to find out this week whether them or the Browns sucks more. The bad news is, we get to find out this week whether the Seachickens or Browns sucks more. This game should be considered definitive proof that there is no god.
28. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #28): I want to move the Cardinals ahead of this team, who has more or less quit on its new coach, QB, fan base, small children, puppies, etc. Unfortunately I can't because they smoked the cards two weeks ago. Ah well- decisions, decisions.
29. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #29): The best news I can give Cards fans is that the team didn't lose this week. We all know why. With Pittsburgh coming into town this week, I don't expect that fact to hold up much longer.
30. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #30): Good news: still not as bad as Miami. Bad news: this team needs way more help than I realized. Some have suggested sitting Sam Bradford so he's not traumatized by the beating he's taking. I'm starting to see the logic there more and more.
31. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #31): I don't want to waste breath on this team. They're probably worse than the Colts, but because I said the Colts would be the worst team in the NFL without Peyton all year, I have to keep them in the cellar until they win a game.
32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): Still haven't won, right? Boom. They suck again.
Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings. Until next time, Lunatics.
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