Welcome back, loyal Lunatics. Today we have the post-week 5 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings. Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.
Feel free to disagree in the comments section. Fun starts after the jump.
1. Green Bay Packers (Last week: #1): I still bitterly blame that pussy John Abraham for fucking up what would have been a sagely call by me that the Dirty Birds would give the Pack their first loss. Instead, Aaron Rodgers made me (and the Falcons' secondary) look like an asshole. Long live A-Rod!
2. New Orleans Saints (Last week: #2): Cam Newton gave them a run for their money, but they kept it together and pulled out a tough victory. Sometimes good teams need to pull out those tough wins against shitty teams.
3. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: #3): Can't really punish them for not playing, so here they sit.
4. New England Patriots (Last week: #4): Defense looked improved against the J-E-T-S, but then again the Jets did New England some favors with the play calling. The difference between them and the Lions this week is that I'd take the Dark Lord to outwit Jim "Shorts" Schwartz on a neutral field.
5. Detroit Lions (Last week: #5): Calvin Johnson is an unstoppable beast. He is a raging bull in a china shop and things will get out of control. They will get out of control and we will be lucky to live through it. As above, the Dark Lord alone keeps them out of the #4 spot.
6. San Diego Chargers (Last week: #11): Gotta give credit where credit is due, and this team is winning non-stop. Except for that game against the Patriots, where they looked like the Chargers of old. Which they'll undoubtedly revert to at some point. Sooooo...we'll see you there SD.
7. Buffalo Bills (Last week: #9): Big win over the now-defunct Eagles. But this is still the 30th ranked defense in the NFL, and for that, they rise no higher than #7. Big test against an inconsistent G-Men squad at the Meadowlands this week.
8. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: #17): I just had an aneurysm placing this team here. This ranking personifies this season. The NFL in 2011: What the hell is this crap?
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: #19): This team is on a football see-saw right now. Blowing out a good team at home propels them upwards though. Will they come crashing back down next week against the Jags at home?
10. Houston Texans (Last week: #6): No Andre Johnson, no Mario Williams and a choke artist Matt Schaub make Gary Kubiak a sad boy. This team is going to have a tough time getting to 10 wins, but could sneak into the playoffs at 9-7 because this division is turrible.
11. Tennessee Titans (Last week: #10): Ugh...of course this team fucks me just as I jump on the band wagon. It was the classic Football Ranter Reverse Mortal Lock. I should get that term trademarked or something. Either way, bad road loss to a very good QB- I'm not going to kill this team over it. Plus, I suspect they might still beat the Texans on a neutral field, but only time will tell how the Texans' D looks without Super Mario.
12. New York Jets (Last week: #12): Why don't the Jets move down? Because it's not exactly uncommon to lose to the Pats in Foxboro. This team has serious issues though, and Marky Mark and the Sucky bunch better pull it together on offense if they want to make it to the playoffs.
13. Washington Redskins (Last week: #13): Why is this team still below the Jets? Because I'll take the Jets' Sexy Rexy over the 'Skins Sexy Rexy. I know, that doesn't make much sense. I'll try again: Rex Ryan would probably eat Rex Grossmen. Victory for the Jets. Yea OK, I got nothin'.
14. New York Giants (Last week: #7): No defense, no special teams, offense that turns the ball over as if they're allergic to it. As I said on the radio show, I fucking hate this team. Stay tuned for the next installment of "who the fuck will blow a very winnable home game this week?"
15. Dallas Cowboys (Last week: #16): I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Teams are now moving up during their BYE WEEK because they just didn't lose. I have no answers for you, and I apologize. Go back to the basic rule: who would win on a neutral field? That's why they're here.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: #8): This team barely beat the colts at home because they constantly shot themselves in the foot. Bumping them up a spot for beating a shitty team feels dirty, but I'm out of options.
17. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: #14): For a minute, just a simple, quick, "sex with the Football Ranter" minute, I really believed this team would upset the Packers. Of course, reality immediately set in and I realized that she was going to be unsatisfied no matter what I did, so I just finished in 20 seconds and left without her number. Wait, what was I talking about? Uhh...oh yea! Not dropping this team too much for losing to the defending champs without their best pass rusher.
18. Oakland Raiders (Last week: #21): Huge road win in honor of the big boss. Just win, baby!
19. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: #15): It's all be said at this point, and I won't belabor the issue. Start playing D, stop turning the ball over and you will win.
20. Chicago Bears (Last week: #18): Anyone surprised that a) they were spanked by a good team on the road or b) they're benching starting o-lineman Frank Omiyale for poor play? No? Didn't think so.
21. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: #22): This team is so ugly...yet they keep winning. I'm going to have to grudgingly move them out of the bottom ten soon.
22. Carolina Panthers (Last week: #20): This team can't close games due to lack of a defense, so they stay in the bottom 10.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: #24): Maybe the Problem isn't such a problem after all? He led an impressive comeback on the road against- oh wait, it was against the Colts. Haha- fuck that! He still sucks.
24. Denver Broncos (Last week: #25): Moving up after a loss? Pure gut feeling that they beat the Jags on a neutral field. We all know I hate mobile, left-handed QBs, but Tim Tebow's numbers in limited action warrant a longer look. He's gonna need to get that completion percentage above 48% to succeed in this league though.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: #23): Expect a pretty epic beat down at the hands of the Steelers this week (have I just reverse mortal locked the Jags to victory? GODDAMN THIS CURSE OF MINE.).
26. Cleveland Browns (Last week: #26): They didn't lose this week! Oh wait, it was a bye week. Still shitty.
27. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: #29): Big victory over the G-Men. As much as I've hated on this team, beating the Giants on the east coast at 1pm was a statement game for this team. Their starting QB situation is the only thing keeping them this low.
28. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: #31): Finally a win for the Vikes. Let's see if they can keep the AP gravy train rolling this week in a divisional matchup against Da shitty Bears.
29. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: #28): This team is BAD. Like, BAD BAD. They need a few good drafts to get back into a position to win the NFC west...which is one hell of a statement.
30. St. Louis Rams (Last week: #30): Sam Bradford is the only thing keeping this team above the 31st slot. Nothing else to say here.
31. Miami Dolphins (Last week: #27): Let's see, they may have been the worst team in the league before their last game, but now without Chad Henne for the rest of the season, this team has a legit shot to go 0-16.
32. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: #32): Just like the Packers at the top of this list, the Colts will remain at #32 until they win a game. Admittedly, the Dolphins are right on their heels for the bottom spot. Epic C-Paint vs. Matt Moore matchup would be hilariously awesome.
Check back next Thursday for updated power rankings. Until next time, Lunatics.
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