Quote of the Day

One of the biggest concerns I hear from our fans is that we changed our defense and we are going to suffer because we have not had a chance to work with our players during the lockout. Teams that have changed coaches, teams that have new quarterbacks or that are unsettled at the quarterback position all face similar challenges. I have heard the sentiment that our product won't be as good in light of these challenges. Don't buy it (especially here in Houston!)

                                                                -Rick Smith, General Manager Houston Texans

He means don't buy the product in Houston, right...?  Have no fear, Rick.  The Football Ranter wouldn't buy your product if it was tied to naked and willing Bar Refaeli.  This team may be better this year, but that defense is not going to make enough progress in one year to upset the Godfather and his Colts in the AFC south.  A major injury to the Godfather (say, a lead pipe to the knee, Texans fans...purely as an example...) is the only way that changes this season.  So enjoy not buying the product that Rick Smith sort of isn't selling?  We'll go with that.

Monday PACMAN JONES ARREST TRIPLE BONUS!

"I just had surgery, so why would I be resisting arrest?"

"It's ridiculous, man.  I keep on going through the same thing, and it don't make no sense." 

"Only thing I can do is be me and do what I'm supposed to do, but I was not yelling at the police. I did not yell profanity at the police. And at the end of the day ... I'm the bad guy."
                                                                                 -Adam "Pacman" Jones

Yup, you guessed it.  Pacman was arrested yet again, this time at a bar in Cincinnati.  Is there anyone on earth who didn't take the "will Pacman Jones get arrested again" bet?  No one, right?  That's what I thought.  This is so old hat, the Football Ranter considered not even posting this.  "Pacman Jones arrested, huh?  You don't say, dickbag.  What do you have next for us, the sky is blue?  The sun rose in the east?  Andy Reid ate a sandwich?"  It's our job to report the football news, no matter how obvious and unintentionally hilarious it may be.  So enjoy your "Pacman got arrested" day.  Also known as Monday.

PS- Just kidding, the Football Ranter didn't for a second consider not posting this.  Love that first quote by the way.  Using his surgery to suggest he wouldn't resist arrest.  That's like saying, "I just got my car fixed the other day, why would I run over that group of schoolchildren with it?"  Classic. 

Quote of the Day

"The past several months have brought on much introspection, and I have decided that while my desire to compete on Sundays is still and always will be there, my willingness to commit to the preparation necessary to play another season has waned to a level that I feel is no longer adequate to meet the demands of the position."
                                                                  -Kerry Collins, now former Titans' QB

Insert racist and alcoholic jokes here.  Seriously though, Collins is #9 all time in completions and attempts, #11 in passing yards and #29 in passing touchdowns.  He lead the Giants to a superbowl that they lost to arguably the greatest defense in NFL history, and was murdered by Ray Lewis during that game.  The fact that he went on to play another 10 NFL seasons after that is astonishing.  He easily leads all deceased quarterbacks in every major passing category.  Kerry Collins, you will be missed.

Quote of the Day

"We are constantly looking for new and innovative ways to energize our fans, and what better way than to combine our [Dallas Cowboys] brand with some of the all-time great Super Heroes that everyone has grown up with."
                                                                                    -Jerry Jones Jr.

Hey Junior, I have a new way to energize your fans: end the fucking lockout.  Until that's over, no one gives a shit whether you're partnering with Spiderman, Superman, Cartman, or Duffman. 

Quote of the Day

"[Staying in Minnesota] is a huge possibility, but I'm still going to test the market and see what else is out there. There are a lot of teams that are interested. I met with coach Leslie Frazier on the day they lifted the lockout and had a pretty good talk with him ... we'll see what happens."
                                                                          -Sidney Rice, Vikings' WR

Translation: MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

Plus, Christian fucking Ponder?!  It's been real Minnesota, but I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.  Let Percy Harvin stay and deal with this shit.  At least he can fake a migraine and get out of being hung out to dry by Chad Pennington 2.0. 

Quote of the Day

"Through the settlement they are forging, the [Tom] Brady plaintiffs, the NFLPA and the NFL defendants are conspiring to set retiree benefits and pension levels at artificially low levels."
                                 -Former NFL Players, in the complaint of their lawsuit filed Monday morning

Just in case anyone had any thoughts that this thing might end soon, now the former players want in on the action.  This thing has really turned into a grade 5 clusterfuck, huh?  This is really a good news/bad news situation though.  The bad news is that the only way this gets worse is if both sides give up and decide to just end the NFL, as in, no more NFL forever because they don't want to fight over it anymore.  The good news is that this suit may not matter because these Alzheimer's-ridden relics will probably forget they filed suit in the first place.

Seriously, start looking up the UFL rosters now and pick your favorite team.  The odds of there being no season just jumped significantly.  Get your bets in now.    

Quote of the Day: FRIDAY DOUBLE BONUS!

"[45% is an] unacceptable amount...it sets us back to March 11...before the lockout."

                                             -Anonymous Player Source, on the fact that the owners reneged on their new flat fee 48/52 revenue split proposal

 "It's a negotiation, which is always subject to change"
                                              -Anonymous Management Source

If you didn't think the Owners were to blame for us not having NFL football to this point, the Football Ranter gives you these quotes for your reading pleasure.  These fucksticks clearly put an offer on the table without discussing it amongst themselves, and then had to backtrack when some owners resisted.  Or worse, they flat out changed their mind.  There is no other way to put it, so the Football Ranter is just going to say it.  These greedy, cumguzzling fuckmonkeys are doing everything in their power to make sure there is no season.  They know they have the cash to outlast the players and get a better deal, and they're determined to do so.  They don't give two stinking shits about the fans, the game or anything other than the balance in their account.  Load all 32 of them onto a bus, light it on fire then drive it into a gorge full of crocodiles like that one from Indiana Jones.  These penis-pumping donkey rapists make me sick.

(Owners: if a deal gets done this weekend, I fully retract any negative statements I may have made in anger about you and issue a full and complete apology.  I certainly did not mean to imply that you have non-consensual sexual intercourse with farm animals of any kind.  Please, please, please, give us football.)